“I have actually.”
His eyes widened and that desperation grew. “Yeah? How’s my baby doing?”
I didn’t respond for a moment. Fuck, this was hard. How was I going to do this? I couldn’t look at him. I looked over his shoulder, eyeing the guard for a moment. It took seconds for Ryker to sense something was amiss, and the look of fear on his face fucking killed me.
“Tell me she hasn’t moved on,” he begged, his voice tightening. “Man, don’t look at me like that, Heath. Tell me she’s waiting for me.”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah, man, it’s not that…”
His shoulders relaxed a little. “Is she waiting?”
“She… She’s got a lot on her shoulders, Ryker, and you need to know about it.”
His brows came together. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you need to put aside whether she’s waiting for you or not because she’s got other problems –”
“Like what, Heath? Just out with it.”
I licked my lips slowly, carefully saying, “She came to me. She’s pregnant, Ryker. Her crazy ma kicked her out of the house when she found out. Apparently went all psycho on her, told her never to come around unless she wanted to be saved or some shit. She needed a place to crash, and I gave her your room. She saw the doctor yesterday. Nine weeks pregnant and got a twelve week ultrasound coming up next.”
Ryker was still as stone. His face was void of emotion as he stared at me hard like he wasn’t comprehending what I’d just told him. It was painfully silent for a few moments.
“Pregnant?” he finally uttered out.
“Yeah, but I got it all figured out,” I quickly reassured him, leaning over the table to rest my hand on his shoulder.
He didn’t acknowledge my touch. Instead, his eyes glazed over and the shock continued to show in him. “Nine weeks?”
“Yeah.”
Come on, Ryker, snap out of it.
He did, but it wasn’t in a good way. He shrugged my hand off of him and rubbed his face in exasperation.
“Nine weeks,” he repeated before looking at me. “That’s enough time to get it taken care of, right?”
I pressed my lips down hard and didn’t respond. Really? This was the first fucking reaction he was giving me upon hearing the love of his life was pregnant?
“She’s still got time,” he continued. “You gotta tell her to get it done, man. Don’t let her get a fucking ultrasound. That shit will make her attached –”
“She’s not getting an abortion,” I icily interrupted him, feeling my back stiffen at the anger that was coursing through me. “Wanna know why? Because I talked her out of it.”
Ryker glared at me now. “Talked her out of it? The fuck you on about? This is our business, not yours.”
I gritted my teeth. “Ryker, listen to yourself, this a fucking kid we’re talking about –”
“A kid that I can’t look after or protect,” he cut in, raising his voice. “I’m not going to have some prison baby. That kid doesn’t deserve that. And once I’m outta here, what the fuck kind of life can I give it? I’d be a fuck up daddy with no good job prospects.”
“We’re talking about your kid here –”
“Fuck the kid! I care about Allie. I care about her future. Not some fucking mistake we made.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Look, Allie’s got a bright life ahead of her. She’s smart. She’s got college soon. She studies hard, and she’s got so much potential. I see fire in her. Always have. It’s one of the things that drew me to her, and I’m not ruining that by making her have a kid. I’m not making her some ghetto mother –”
“She wouldn’t be a ghetto mother,” I fired back, balling my fists. “Fuck, Ryker, have some compassion. You know Mom was pressured to abort us? The fuckheads in her life didn’t want us, but she went on through and she had us. I want the same for this kid.”
“But it ain’t your kid!” he howled back, causing some heads to turn our way. “And look how we ended up anyway! Fucking broke as hell all our lives. No daddy around, just a bunch of violent fuck-ups that ruined her life. So don’t be preaching that keeping a fucking kid means it’s giving it a good life –”
“It means it’s giving it a shot!”
“Look, I understand where you’re coming from, bro. I admire that. I know you’re against it, and hell, maybe one day you’ll face the same decision with a chick you dig. But this is my business, my woman, my mistake. You don’t have a say.”
I shouldn’t have said it, but fuck I was angry when I retorted with, “Yeah, well I’m on this side of the table, aren’t I? A free man has more of a say than one who isn’t. And judging by her indifference to you, I’d say she isn’t your woman.”
In just a second his anger broke, and his eyes watered.
“Fuck you, Heath,” he hissed, pained by my words. “That’s low.”
I didn’t reply for a moment. I sighed as the guilt built inside of me. That was low.
“Shit, Ryker,” I whispered regretfully, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck, I just got angry.”
He shrugged, looking down at the table without a word.
“Now you’re right, it’s your mistake, but you need to be a man and accept that this pregnancy is happening. Allie’s going through with it. Whether you’re in it or not, she’s going to do this, with or without your support.”
Still no word from him, but his body was tense. This wasn’t how I intended for this to go. I’d hoped to speak some sense into him, not have an argument that left him feeling like shit. I should have chosen my words more carefully. Fuck, maybe he was right about everything and it wasn’t my business. I had just inserted myself in their issues, didn’t I? I’d had no right to, either.
“Is she done with me?” he asked, a hollow look on his face.
“It’s not my place to answer that,” I said, hating myself for letting that out.
“Just give me one, man. I’m begging you.”
Fuck. “I… I don’t know, Ryker. That’s the honest truth, okay?”
His eyes were red with unshed tears. In that moment I realized just how much he really loved her. This was a goddamn mess. His heart was on the table. I could see it bleeding out hope.
“Man,” I let out, with a shake of my head, “why did you do it, Ry? Why? Everything was going well. You had her. You had work. You had friends. You had me. Why did you do it?”
He licked his bottom dry lip and blinked hard to keep the tears back. “You don’t want to fucking know, bro.”
“What don’t I want to know?”
“You don’t want to know the shit I stirred out there. It’s not something I’ll be able to get out of here and walk away from.”
I stared at him hard, trying to understand. “What did you get yourself into?”
He didn’t answer. He looked around again, those lips shut, his expression pained. I wanted to shake him and demand what the fuck he was talking about!
“Ryker,” I pressed.
“Doesn’t matter,” he whispered. “It doesn’t involve you.”
“You’re my brother. You’re my friend. You’re my blood. Whatever happens to you involves me. I love you, man. You know that.”
He nodded.
Minutes went by. The silence was killing me. I wanted inside that damn head of his. I wanted to understand everything. But that opportunity passed on by. I knew it by the look in his eyes. He was going to end the conversation and retreat back into the secretive shell of his.
“Whatever happens,” came his quiet, defeated voice as he locked his brown eyes to mine, “just look out for her, bro. You’re the only one I trust out there. The only one, Heath. And if you think she can do this, then that’s fine. I’ll… learn to accept it somehow. All I ask is you keep her safe and looked after, and I know that’s a lot to ask, but I swear to fucking God I’ll come out of here and kiss the fucking ground you walk on because she’s all I have. She’s all I need. She’s everything to me, Heath. So please…”
My throat locked up tight. My eyes felt raw with the need to cry, but I managed to hold myself together. It wasn’t right. This whole situation was fucked up. I shouldn’t be coming to a prison to see my brother. Despite the secretive bullshit he’d gotten involved in, he didn’t deserve this. How the fuck could I have thought otherwise? This was punishment enough. I wished I could throw him a key, set him free and watch him change. Because I truly believed he would. He would grab that second chance with everything inside of him and turn his life around.
“You don’t even need to ask,” I choked out with a firm nod. “It’s done, brother.”
*
Allie was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream when I walked into the apartment. She turned away from the trash show she was watching and immediately straightened her back at the sight of me. She was wearing one of Ryker’s huge motorcycle tops and his sweats. Her hair was up in a messy bun, her blue eyes wide as they met mine.
My chest stirred. I’d never walked into my place to find a woman who’d made herself at home like this. Whenever she had been around, she’d either have been in Ryker’s room with him, or ignoring me with a passion.
We never meshed.
I used to think she hated me. But now I knew she was just shy.
She set the bowl down and clasped her hands together. I could see the anxiety in her. She’d been waiting around for me. For this.
I set the keys down and took a seat next to her. She smelled like Ryker and I didn’t like the smell on her. I shook my head at the stupid knotted feeling inside of me and turned to her nervous face. God, she was pretty, wasn’t she? All doe eyed and frightened. It was a subtle attractiveness that grew until it was in your bones and you couldn’t look at her without feeling it. The less obvious kind of beautiful was the most dangerous, I realized. Because it made you want to keep looking, keep seeing that beauty, until every inch of that face was burned in you.
“He’s okay with it, Allie,” I said quietly, ignoring the way my pulse was weirdly picking up around her.
Her eyes immediately watered. “Really?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“He didn’t try for an abortion?”
I shook my head immediately, knowing this lie was needed. “No, he was shocked. I mean, he was asking me all kinds of questions.”
“Like what?”
“Like how far along you are.”
“And you told him?
“Yeah.”
“What did he say?”
“He wants you to go through with it.”
She wiped her eyes and smiled brightly at me. It was a beautiful smile. Made her look less like the miserable person she’d been the last week. “That’s amazing,” she said. “I was thinking about it all day. I’ve already grown so attached to this pregnancy, I decided I didn’t care what he’d say. Because it’s my choice, you know?”
I nodded, feeling relieved by her conviction. “It is your choice, Al. If I pushed you in the start –”
“You didn’t. You were right. I was reacting impulsively. Now I’m not. Now I’m looking at the bigger picture, and I know I’ll be okay. I don’t care if I have to postpone College and work at a shit job. I want to do this because I want to prove that I can be responsible for whatever unexpected things come my way. Because life never goes according to plan, right? It’s just a bunch of rollercoaster bullshit, and you never learn anything by picking the easiest way out.”
God, how the fuck could someone so young pull herself together like this? I’d never given her this mindset. She’d developed it on her own. Grabbed a shit situation and turned it around. It was hard – very fucking hard – not to admire Allison Wallace in that moment. It was hard not to feel jealous at Ryker for having someone whose head was screwed on so right. Yeah, they made a mistake, but so did everyone else. Making a mistake isn’t the issue. It’s how you handle it that defines you. She was handling it beautifully, and in a calm manner that helped me feel grounded.
“None of that is going to happen,” I told her softly, unable to turn away from those enthralling eyes. “Wanna know why?”
She scanned my face and whispered, “Why?”
“Because you got me.”
She surprised me with a hug, leaning over to wrap her arms around me. I was stiff at first. She’d never gotten very close to me before. This was out of her element. After a tense moment, I relaxed and hugged her back, bringing one arm around her little frame. My face was against the side of her head, my nose breathing in the scent of shampoo.
My shampoo.
My heart did that weird fucking thing again, thumping a little faster, giving me a strange feeling like I was doing something that was out of my comfort zone. When was the last time someone gave me a genuine hug? I wondered.
Since Mom.
When she broke free from the hug first, I immediately hid the conflicted look on my face and smiled warmly at her. I then leaned my back against the couch, pretending that contact was normal for me.
Yeah, fucking right. That was not normal. That was weird as hell.
She seemed comfortable, though; smiling to herself as she also leaned back, relaxing before turning her attention back to the television. I stared at her for a while. Watching, she brought her knees up to her chest and ran a hand through her long hair. She might have even forgotten I was there, a foot away from her. But that was okay. I liked watching her. She carried her emotions on her sleeve, and I could read every single one of them as she lost herself in some trashy reality show.
His eyes widened and that desperation grew. “Yeah? How’s my baby doing?”
I didn’t respond for a moment. Fuck, this was hard. How was I going to do this? I couldn’t look at him. I looked over his shoulder, eyeing the guard for a moment. It took seconds for Ryker to sense something was amiss, and the look of fear on his face fucking killed me.
“Tell me she hasn’t moved on,” he begged, his voice tightening. “Man, don’t look at me like that, Heath. Tell me she’s waiting for me.”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah, man, it’s not that…”
His shoulders relaxed a little. “Is she waiting?”
“She… She’s got a lot on her shoulders, Ryker, and you need to know about it.”
His brows came together. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you need to put aside whether she’s waiting for you or not because she’s got other problems –”
“Like what, Heath? Just out with it.”
I licked my lips slowly, carefully saying, “She came to me. She’s pregnant, Ryker. Her crazy ma kicked her out of the house when she found out. Apparently went all psycho on her, told her never to come around unless she wanted to be saved or some shit. She needed a place to crash, and I gave her your room. She saw the doctor yesterday. Nine weeks pregnant and got a twelve week ultrasound coming up next.”
Ryker was still as stone. His face was void of emotion as he stared at me hard like he wasn’t comprehending what I’d just told him. It was painfully silent for a few moments.
“Pregnant?” he finally uttered out.
“Yeah, but I got it all figured out,” I quickly reassured him, leaning over the table to rest my hand on his shoulder.
He didn’t acknowledge my touch. Instead, his eyes glazed over and the shock continued to show in him. “Nine weeks?”
“Yeah.”
Come on, Ryker, snap out of it.
He did, but it wasn’t in a good way. He shrugged my hand off of him and rubbed his face in exasperation.
“Nine weeks,” he repeated before looking at me. “That’s enough time to get it taken care of, right?”
I pressed my lips down hard and didn’t respond. Really? This was the first fucking reaction he was giving me upon hearing the love of his life was pregnant?
“She’s still got time,” he continued. “You gotta tell her to get it done, man. Don’t let her get a fucking ultrasound. That shit will make her attached –”
“She’s not getting an abortion,” I icily interrupted him, feeling my back stiffen at the anger that was coursing through me. “Wanna know why? Because I talked her out of it.”
Ryker glared at me now. “Talked her out of it? The fuck you on about? This is our business, not yours.”
I gritted my teeth. “Ryker, listen to yourself, this a fucking kid we’re talking about –”
“A kid that I can’t look after or protect,” he cut in, raising his voice. “I’m not going to have some prison baby. That kid doesn’t deserve that. And once I’m outta here, what the fuck kind of life can I give it? I’d be a fuck up daddy with no good job prospects.”
“We’re talking about your kid here –”
“Fuck the kid! I care about Allie. I care about her future. Not some fucking mistake we made.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Look, Allie’s got a bright life ahead of her. She’s smart. She’s got college soon. She studies hard, and she’s got so much potential. I see fire in her. Always have. It’s one of the things that drew me to her, and I’m not ruining that by making her have a kid. I’m not making her some ghetto mother –”
“She wouldn’t be a ghetto mother,” I fired back, balling my fists. “Fuck, Ryker, have some compassion. You know Mom was pressured to abort us? The fuckheads in her life didn’t want us, but she went on through and she had us. I want the same for this kid.”
“But it ain’t your kid!” he howled back, causing some heads to turn our way. “And look how we ended up anyway! Fucking broke as hell all our lives. No daddy around, just a bunch of violent fuck-ups that ruined her life. So don’t be preaching that keeping a fucking kid means it’s giving it a good life –”
“It means it’s giving it a shot!”
“Look, I understand where you’re coming from, bro. I admire that. I know you’re against it, and hell, maybe one day you’ll face the same decision with a chick you dig. But this is my business, my woman, my mistake. You don’t have a say.”
I shouldn’t have said it, but fuck I was angry when I retorted with, “Yeah, well I’m on this side of the table, aren’t I? A free man has more of a say than one who isn’t. And judging by her indifference to you, I’d say she isn’t your woman.”
In just a second his anger broke, and his eyes watered.
“Fuck you, Heath,” he hissed, pained by my words. “That’s low.”
I didn’t reply for a moment. I sighed as the guilt built inside of me. That was low.
“Shit, Ryker,” I whispered regretfully, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck, I just got angry.”
He shrugged, looking down at the table without a word.
“Now you’re right, it’s your mistake, but you need to be a man and accept that this pregnancy is happening. Allie’s going through with it. Whether you’re in it or not, she’s going to do this, with or without your support.”
Still no word from him, but his body was tense. This wasn’t how I intended for this to go. I’d hoped to speak some sense into him, not have an argument that left him feeling like shit. I should have chosen my words more carefully. Fuck, maybe he was right about everything and it wasn’t my business. I had just inserted myself in their issues, didn’t I? I’d had no right to, either.
“Is she done with me?” he asked, a hollow look on his face.
“It’s not my place to answer that,” I said, hating myself for letting that out.
“Just give me one, man. I’m begging you.”
Fuck. “I… I don’t know, Ryker. That’s the honest truth, okay?”
His eyes were red with unshed tears. In that moment I realized just how much he really loved her. This was a goddamn mess. His heart was on the table. I could see it bleeding out hope.
“Man,” I let out, with a shake of my head, “why did you do it, Ry? Why? Everything was going well. You had her. You had work. You had friends. You had me. Why did you do it?”
He licked his bottom dry lip and blinked hard to keep the tears back. “You don’t want to fucking know, bro.”
“What don’t I want to know?”
“You don’t want to know the shit I stirred out there. It’s not something I’ll be able to get out of here and walk away from.”
I stared at him hard, trying to understand. “What did you get yourself into?”
He didn’t answer. He looked around again, those lips shut, his expression pained. I wanted to shake him and demand what the fuck he was talking about!
“Ryker,” I pressed.
“Doesn’t matter,” he whispered. “It doesn’t involve you.”
“You’re my brother. You’re my friend. You’re my blood. Whatever happens to you involves me. I love you, man. You know that.”
He nodded.
Minutes went by. The silence was killing me. I wanted inside that damn head of his. I wanted to understand everything. But that opportunity passed on by. I knew it by the look in his eyes. He was going to end the conversation and retreat back into the secretive shell of his.
“Whatever happens,” came his quiet, defeated voice as he locked his brown eyes to mine, “just look out for her, bro. You’re the only one I trust out there. The only one, Heath. And if you think she can do this, then that’s fine. I’ll… learn to accept it somehow. All I ask is you keep her safe and looked after, and I know that’s a lot to ask, but I swear to fucking God I’ll come out of here and kiss the fucking ground you walk on because she’s all I have. She’s all I need. She’s everything to me, Heath. So please…”
My throat locked up tight. My eyes felt raw with the need to cry, but I managed to hold myself together. It wasn’t right. This whole situation was fucked up. I shouldn’t be coming to a prison to see my brother. Despite the secretive bullshit he’d gotten involved in, he didn’t deserve this. How the fuck could I have thought otherwise? This was punishment enough. I wished I could throw him a key, set him free and watch him change. Because I truly believed he would. He would grab that second chance with everything inside of him and turn his life around.
“You don’t even need to ask,” I choked out with a firm nod. “It’s done, brother.”
*
Allie was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream when I walked into the apartment. She turned away from the trash show she was watching and immediately straightened her back at the sight of me. She was wearing one of Ryker’s huge motorcycle tops and his sweats. Her hair was up in a messy bun, her blue eyes wide as they met mine.
My chest stirred. I’d never walked into my place to find a woman who’d made herself at home like this. Whenever she had been around, she’d either have been in Ryker’s room with him, or ignoring me with a passion.
We never meshed.
I used to think she hated me. But now I knew she was just shy.
She set the bowl down and clasped her hands together. I could see the anxiety in her. She’d been waiting around for me. For this.
I set the keys down and took a seat next to her. She smelled like Ryker and I didn’t like the smell on her. I shook my head at the stupid knotted feeling inside of me and turned to her nervous face. God, she was pretty, wasn’t she? All doe eyed and frightened. It was a subtle attractiveness that grew until it was in your bones and you couldn’t look at her without feeling it. The less obvious kind of beautiful was the most dangerous, I realized. Because it made you want to keep looking, keep seeing that beauty, until every inch of that face was burned in you.
“He’s okay with it, Allie,” I said quietly, ignoring the way my pulse was weirdly picking up around her.
Her eyes immediately watered. “Really?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“He didn’t try for an abortion?”
I shook my head immediately, knowing this lie was needed. “No, he was shocked. I mean, he was asking me all kinds of questions.”
“Like what?”
“Like how far along you are.”
“And you told him?
“Yeah.”
“What did he say?”
“He wants you to go through with it.”
She wiped her eyes and smiled brightly at me. It was a beautiful smile. Made her look less like the miserable person she’d been the last week. “That’s amazing,” she said. “I was thinking about it all day. I’ve already grown so attached to this pregnancy, I decided I didn’t care what he’d say. Because it’s my choice, you know?”
I nodded, feeling relieved by her conviction. “It is your choice, Al. If I pushed you in the start –”
“You didn’t. You were right. I was reacting impulsively. Now I’m not. Now I’m looking at the bigger picture, and I know I’ll be okay. I don’t care if I have to postpone College and work at a shit job. I want to do this because I want to prove that I can be responsible for whatever unexpected things come my way. Because life never goes according to plan, right? It’s just a bunch of rollercoaster bullshit, and you never learn anything by picking the easiest way out.”
God, how the fuck could someone so young pull herself together like this? I’d never given her this mindset. She’d developed it on her own. Grabbed a shit situation and turned it around. It was hard – very fucking hard – not to admire Allison Wallace in that moment. It was hard not to feel jealous at Ryker for having someone whose head was screwed on so right. Yeah, they made a mistake, but so did everyone else. Making a mistake isn’t the issue. It’s how you handle it that defines you. She was handling it beautifully, and in a calm manner that helped me feel grounded.
“None of that is going to happen,” I told her softly, unable to turn away from those enthralling eyes. “Wanna know why?”
She scanned my face and whispered, “Why?”
“Because you got me.”
She surprised me with a hug, leaning over to wrap her arms around me. I was stiff at first. She’d never gotten very close to me before. This was out of her element. After a tense moment, I relaxed and hugged her back, bringing one arm around her little frame. My face was against the side of her head, my nose breathing in the scent of shampoo.
My shampoo.
My heart did that weird fucking thing again, thumping a little faster, giving me a strange feeling like I was doing something that was out of my comfort zone. When was the last time someone gave me a genuine hug? I wondered.
Since Mom.
When she broke free from the hug first, I immediately hid the conflicted look on my face and smiled warmly at her. I then leaned my back against the couch, pretending that contact was normal for me.
Yeah, fucking right. That was not normal. That was weird as hell.
She seemed comfortable, though; smiling to herself as she also leaned back, relaxing before turning her attention back to the television. I stared at her for a while. Watching, she brought her knees up to her chest and ran a hand through her long hair. She might have even forgotten I was there, a foot away from her. But that was okay. I liked watching her. She carried her emotions on her sleeve, and I could read every single one of them as she lost herself in some trashy reality show.
