Loving Mr. Daniels
Page 59

The room filled with a silence that even the gods of the earth found unsteady. Daniel folded up the piece of paper and slipped it back into his pocket. He spoke into the microphone and smiled a sad grin. “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But if there’s anyone I want to be like when I do, it’s that young man who wrote those words. I want to be unafraid of the outcome of life. I want to remember to breathe in the laughter and cherish the tears. I want to dive into hope and land in love. I want to be alive when I grow up because…I have never been alive in all of my life. And I think the least we can do, in order to honor Ryan, is to start living today. And forgive ourselves for all of the shitty yesterdays.”
On the steps of the church stood Hailey and Jake. The winter breeze was unkind to any bare skin. I watched as Jake whispered something to her and she nodded in understanding.
“Jake.” He turned my way at the sound of my voice. I nodded him over to me. He glanced at her and then moved back toward me.
He stepped in close. “She’s pretty wrecked, Ashlyn.”
“I know.”
The sad grin he gave me almost broke my heart. “She blames you.”
“I know.”
He stared out into the distance, his hands in his pockets. “Pretty much the whole senior class showed up in there for him. Everyone loved the guy. Did you know he was the king at our junior prom last year?” He took a deep inhale. “How do you get to a point where you feel that alone?”
There wasn’t an answer to that question. I thought that’s what hurt people the most—the unanswered questions.
His thumb and pointer finger pinched the bridge of his nose and he closed his eyes. “Look, Ashlyn. I know this probably isn’t the right time, but…” He sighed. “The guy you gave your heart to… Why isn’t he here?”
My voice cracked. I shifted my eyes. “You’re right, Jake. It’s not the right time.”
“Yeah. Right. But…” His voice shook. “Ryan’s dead. And when people die, you get thinking about the things unsaid. The things you were too afraid to say. And I’m about to go away for Christmas break to visit my grandparents in Chicago, so I’m just going to say it now—”
“Jake—”
“I hate him. Whoever the guy is who isn’t here for you—I hate him for leaving you alone today.” My eyes watered up from his words. He reached for his tie and loosened it. “I know you probably think that I was just into you because of your body. Yes, at first, that was why. You’re gorgeous, Ash. But then each day in chemistry you would show up and you would talk. And then I realized how much I liked the way you spoke.
“And then I realized how much you had to say and how much the world deserved to hear your thoughts. And then I thought about how much I would love you if you ever let me in. Then I thought maybe if I cleaned up my act, maybe if I stopped smoking pot or got into college or got a library card or something, then maybe you would love me, too.”
“I do love you, Jake.”
He laughed. “Don’t give me that friendship bullshit. It’s fine, really. I just… I needed to say it. No regrets, right?”
I leaned in, kissed his cheek, and whispered, “Please hug me now.” His arms wrapped around me. I breathed him in and held on to him tight. “Don’t let go yet, okay?” He pulled me in closer.
After the hug, Jake reentered the church. My footprints landed against the fallen snow as I moved in Hailey’s direction. “Hey, Hails.”
She tightened her arms, which lay across her body. Her lips pressed together. It seemed that her focus was on something across the street.
I continued. “I’m so sorr—”
“You know what I don’t understand?” she said, cutting in. “You were supposed to be with him.” Her body rotated in my direction in a haunting fashion. “You were supposed to watch over him for one night. One night! Where the hell were you, Ashlyn?!”
Words. There were so many different words, different phrases in the world, yet I couldn’t develop one.
She puffed a chilled breath. “Exactly.”
“Hailey…when Gabby died—” I started.
“No!” she hissed, holding her hand up to me. “Today isn’t about Ashlyn’s guilt. Today isn’t about Gabrielle. Ryan is dead! You promised!” she cried, choking on air, on her own misery. “You promised to watch after him and now he’s dead!” Her sobs made her words half broken, mere mutters. “Y-you hurt everyone who y-you c-c-come near,” she stuttered. Her gaze fell to the ground. She didn’t mean her words. I knew she didn’t.
If there was anything I remembered from Gabby’s funeral, it was that sometimes it was easier to be mad than to be hurt.
“Who am I supposed to eat lunch with?” her voice whispered. She wrapped her hands over her mouth as a pained cry of sadness left her lips. She continued to sob, her body shuddering. “I’m sorry, Ashlyn. I didn’t mean what I said.”
My arms wrapped around her and I shook my head back and forth. “We don’t do apologies here,” I said, quoting her from the first time I sat at their lunch table. “Because we know harm is never the intent.”
“Theo’s not here,” she cried into my shoulder. “It’s the worst day of my life and he didn’t show up. He said it was against his belief system. Bullcrap if you ask me.” She wiped her eyes and pulled away from me. “The sad thing is, I don’t believe in this, ya know? In coming to a church to mourn in this way. I know Theo isn’t really a Buddhist…but I’m starting to understand the study. I actually love it. And this”—she gestured back to the church—“this doesn’t make sense to me.”
“I can help.” A deep voice was heard, and we turned to see Randy walking toward us. He’d shown up to make sure Daniel didn’t have to be alone after losing someone else in his life. He approached us slowly, not wanting to interrupt. “I know how it is, how painfully unnecessary death can seem. It just feels like you want to get revenge on the world for taking away the things you love.” His head fell and he rubbed his temple. “I’ve studied Buddhism for many years. And if you are interested, we can say a prayer together.”
Hailey’s eyes welled up with tears. Her shoulders dropped. She was on the verge of breaking down again. “I don’t know any prayers. I didn’t study that far into it.”