“Remember the night of Warren’s birthday party?”
I nod. “You mean the night I thought your bra was cute and stupidly wanted Ridge to see it?”
Sydney cringes a little. “That’s the night,” she confirms. She looks down at her hands, clasped together on the counter in front of her. “I had a lot of fun with you that night, Maggie. I really did. At the time, I thought there was a chance we’d end up becoming friends, and it excited me because I really needed a friend after what Tori did to me. But then I kind of ruined that opportunity when I broke girl code and kissed your boyfriend.” She looks up at me. “I’ve always hated that I ruined what I really do think could have been a good friendship between us. And now, months later, here we are again. And for whatever reason, you’re extending an olive branch. So, yes, lunch tomorrow sounds good. But I also really want to see the caves, so if you can find it in yourself to extend an entire olive tree, then I think it’ll be fun.”
She looks nervous as she waits for my answer. I don’t make her wait long, because I don’t want her to feel nervous. Or awkward or guilty or anything else this girl doesn’t deserve to feel. I smile at her. “You didn’t ruin anything by breaking girl code, Sydney.”
My words make her smile. “Bet you don’t bring guys around me ever again, though. And I would completely understand.”
“I’m done with guys,” I say with a laugh. “Especially after what I did to the last one.”
Sydney’s eyebrow rises in curiosity, and I suddenly realize I spoke more than I should have. I don’t want to talk about Jake, but based on the look she’s giving me right now, she wants details.
“Is this your one-night stand?”
I nod. I was honestly surprised she didn’t ask me about it when she was modifying my bucket list the other day. “Yeah. His name is Jake. I freaked out on him.”
“Why?”
“He cooked me breakfast.”
Sydney shoots me a look of mock horror. “Oh, how dare him,” she says.
I laugh at her sarcasm and then cover my face with my hands. “I know. I know, Sydney. And I tried to rectify it a couple of days later but then ended up in the hospital and found out he has a kid, and I don’t know… It just felt stupid of me to try and pursue him at that point.”
“Why? Because you hate kids?”
“No. No, not at all. I was in my hospital room, and I could hear him outside talking to his son on the phone, and it all just felt so real in that moment. Like not only would this guy—who is really awesome and smart and funny—be entering my life, but so would his kid, who sounded like a great kid, and I just… I got scared.”
“Of what?”
I sigh. That’s a good question, because even I’m confused as to why I kept pushing him away. “I think my fears flipped on me somewhere along the way. I told myself that I didn’t want to break his heart or become his burden. But in all honesty, I’m more scared that he’ll break mine. It hit me when I realized how much I liked him that maybe most people aren’t as committed as Ridge and aren’t willing to put up with what a relationship with me would entail. I became terrified that he would end up being the one to walk away, so I did it first. Maybe I didn’t want things with him to end badly. I don’t know. I question my choice every single day.”
Sydney regards me silently for a moment. “If you had the chance, knowing yours and Ridge’s relationship came to an end, would you take back the six years you spent with him?”
I don’t even need a second to answer her. I shake my head. “No. Of course not.”
Sydney lifts her shoulder in a knowing shrug. “If things ended badly between you and this Jake guy, I doubt you would take back the time you spent with him, either. We shouldn’t revolve our lives around their possible endings. We should revolve our lives around the experiences that lead to the endings.”
It’s quiet for a while.
Her words stick with me. Cling to me. Absorb into my skin.
She’s right. And while it’s been my goal to try to live life without focusing on the ending, that’s exactly what I keep reverting to. Especially when it comes to Jake. I don’t know why I’ve been telling myself that I can’t do both—experience my life to the fullest and allow myself to experience another relationship. It’s not like I can only have one and not the other.
“Maybe you should give him another chance,” Sydney suggests.
I let my head fall back with a sigh. “This poor guy,” I say. “I’m gonna give him whiplash with as much as I’ve gone back and forth with him.”
Sydney laughs. “Well, make sure you only go forth with him from now on, and not back.”
I take a deep breath and then stand up. “Okay. I’m going to call him.”
Sydney smiles, and I try to ignore my nerves as I walk back to my bedroom. I pull out my phone and open up my contacts. My hand begins to shake as I select his number. I lean against my bedroom door and close my eyes after I press his contact and put the phone on speaker.
It rings twice and then is immediately pushed through to voicemail.
He just pushed me through to voicemail.
It’s a crushing blow, but one I probably deserve. I wait for his voice.
“Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Jacob Griffin. Please leave a detailed message and I’ll return your call as soon as I’m available.”
I wait for the beep. And then I stutter my way through.
“Hey, Jake. It’s Maggie. Carson. Um…call me if you can. Or if you want, rather. If not, I understand. I just…yeah. Okay. Bye.”
As soon as I hang up, I groan and then fall onto my mattress. I can’t believe he pushed me through to voicemail. But then again, I can. And now the only thing he has that could change his mind is a nervous, embarrassing voicemail he’s probably listening to right now.
I wallow in self-pity for a few moments, but then I push myself off the bed and walk to the living room. Sydney is still at the bar, but Ridge is now back in the room. He’s showing her something on his phone, but Sydney gives her attention to me as soon as I walk out of my bedroom. I wave off her curiosity.
“He pushed me through to voicemail.”
She makes a face. “Oh. Maybe he’s busy?”
I shake my head and fall down onto the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. “Or maybe he realizes what a psycho I am for kicking him out of my house before he even finished cooking the bacon.”
“Yeah, that could be a possibility as well,” Sydney says.
I throw my arm over my face and try to come up with all the reasons why Jake isn’t worthy of this much regret.
I come up with nothing. He is absolutely worthy of my regret.
•••
It’s been two hours. I’ve showered, put on my pajamas, and have looked at my phone five thousand times. Ridge left to go pick up dinner for everyone. Bridgette and Warren are here now and are actually sitting on the couch with me. Warren is in the middle, and Bridgette is on the other side of Warren. I’m playing Toy Blast on my phone, but not because I’m interested in the game. I’m just obsessed with staring at my phone screen now. Waiting. Hoping.
“Lesbian Libidos?” Warren asks.
“Not even close,” Bridgette says.
I glance over at him, wondering why the hell he keeps spouting off weird titles that sound like porn. He’s scrolling through a list on his phone.
“Babes in Bali?”
Bridgette actually laughs at that one. “If I got to go to Bali to film a porn, I wouldn’t be working at Hooters.”
Warren turns to her. “Wait,” he says. “How long have you worked at Hooters? Is it a Hooters-related porn?”
Okay, now I’m staring at both of them. What in the hell are they talking about?
Sydney is at the kitchen table doing homework. Apparently she senses my confusion because she offers up an explanation. “Bridgette kissed a girl in a porn film, and she refuses to tell Warren the name of it so that he can watch it. It’s become his life mission.”
Wow. “That explains so much,” I say.
I nod. “You mean the night I thought your bra was cute and stupidly wanted Ridge to see it?”
Sydney cringes a little. “That’s the night,” she confirms. She looks down at her hands, clasped together on the counter in front of her. “I had a lot of fun with you that night, Maggie. I really did. At the time, I thought there was a chance we’d end up becoming friends, and it excited me because I really needed a friend after what Tori did to me. But then I kind of ruined that opportunity when I broke girl code and kissed your boyfriend.” She looks up at me. “I’ve always hated that I ruined what I really do think could have been a good friendship between us. And now, months later, here we are again. And for whatever reason, you’re extending an olive branch. So, yes, lunch tomorrow sounds good. But I also really want to see the caves, so if you can find it in yourself to extend an entire olive tree, then I think it’ll be fun.”
She looks nervous as she waits for my answer. I don’t make her wait long, because I don’t want her to feel nervous. Or awkward or guilty or anything else this girl doesn’t deserve to feel. I smile at her. “You didn’t ruin anything by breaking girl code, Sydney.”
My words make her smile. “Bet you don’t bring guys around me ever again, though. And I would completely understand.”
“I’m done with guys,” I say with a laugh. “Especially after what I did to the last one.”
Sydney’s eyebrow rises in curiosity, and I suddenly realize I spoke more than I should have. I don’t want to talk about Jake, but based on the look she’s giving me right now, she wants details.
“Is this your one-night stand?”
I nod. I was honestly surprised she didn’t ask me about it when she was modifying my bucket list the other day. “Yeah. His name is Jake. I freaked out on him.”
“Why?”
“He cooked me breakfast.”
Sydney shoots me a look of mock horror. “Oh, how dare him,” she says.
I laugh at her sarcasm and then cover my face with my hands. “I know. I know, Sydney. And I tried to rectify it a couple of days later but then ended up in the hospital and found out he has a kid, and I don’t know… It just felt stupid of me to try and pursue him at that point.”
“Why? Because you hate kids?”
“No. No, not at all. I was in my hospital room, and I could hear him outside talking to his son on the phone, and it all just felt so real in that moment. Like not only would this guy—who is really awesome and smart and funny—be entering my life, but so would his kid, who sounded like a great kid, and I just… I got scared.”
“Of what?”
I sigh. That’s a good question, because even I’m confused as to why I kept pushing him away. “I think my fears flipped on me somewhere along the way. I told myself that I didn’t want to break his heart or become his burden. But in all honesty, I’m more scared that he’ll break mine. It hit me when I realized how much I liked him that maybe most people aren’t as committed as Ridge and aren’t willing to put up with what a relationship with me would entail. I became terrified that he would end up being the one to walk away, so I did it first. Maybe I didn’t want things with him to end badly. I don’t know. I question my choice every single day.”
Sydney regards me silently for a moment. “If you had the chance, knowing yours and Ridge’s relationship came to an end, would you take back the six years you spent with him?”
I don’t even need a second to answer her. I shake my head. “No. Of course not.”
Sydney lifts her shoulder in a knowing shrug. “If things ended badly between you and this Jake guy, I doubt you would take back the time you spent with him, either. We shouldn’t revolve our lives around their possible endings. We should revolve our lives around the experiences that lead to the endings.”
It’s quiet for a while.
Her words stick with me. Cling to me. Absorb into my skin.
She’s right. And while it’s been my goal to try to live life without focusing on the ending, that’s exactly what I keep reverting to. Especially when it comes to Jake. I don’t know why I’ve been telling myself that I can’t do both—experience my life to the fullest and allow myself to experience another relationship. It’s not like I can only have one and not the other.
“Maybe you should give him another chance,” Sydney suggests.
I let my head fall back with a sigh. “This poor guy,” I say. “I’m gonna give him whiplash with as much as I’ve gone back and forth with him.”
Sydney laughs. “Well, make sure you only go forth with him from now on, and not back.”
I take a deep breath and then stand up. “Okay. I’m going to call him.”
Sydney smiles, and I try to ignore my nerves as I walk back to my bedroom. I pull out my phone and open up my contacts. My hand begins to shake as I select his number. I lean against my bedroom door and close my eyes after I press his contact and put the phone on speaker.
It rings twice and then is immediately pushed through to voicemail.
He just pushed me through to voicemail.
It’s a crushing blow, but one I probably deserve. I wait for his voice.
“Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Jacob Griffin. Please leave a detailed message and I’ll return your call as soon as I’m available.”
I wait for the beep. And then I stutter my way through.
“Hey, Jake. It’s Maggie. Carson. Um…call me if you can. Or if you want, rather. If not, I understand. I just…yeah. Okay. Bye.”
As soon as I hang up, I groan and then fall onto my mattress. I can’t believe he pushed me through to voicemail. But then again, I can. And now the only thing he has that could change his mind is a nervous, embarrassing voicemail he’s probably listening to right now.
I wallow in self-pity for a few moments, but then I push myself off the bed and walk to the living room. Sydney is still at the bar, but Ridge is now back in the room. He’s showing her something on his phone, but Sydney gives her attention to me as soon as I walk out of my bedroom. I wave off her curiosity.
“He pushed me through to voicemail.”
She makes a face. “Oh. Maybe he’s busy?”
I shake my head and fall down onto the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. “Or maybe he realizes what a psycho I am for kicking him out of my house before he even finished cooking the bacon.”
“Yeah, that could be a possibility as well,” Sydney says.
I throw my arm over my face and try to come up with all the reasons why Jake isn’t worthy of this much regret.
I come up with nothing. He is absolutely worthy of my regret.
•••
It’s been two hours. I’ve showered, put on my pajamas, and have looked at my phone five thousand times. Ridge left to go pick up dinner for everyone. Bridgette and Warren are here now and are actually sitting on the couch with me. Warren is in the middle, and Bridgette is on the other side of Warren. I’m playing Toy Blast on my phone, but not because I’m interested in the game. I’m just obsessed with staring at my phone screen now. Waiting. Hoping.
“Lesbian Libidos?” Warren asks.
“Not even close,” Bridgette says.
I glance over at him, wondering why the hell he keeps spouting off weird titles that sound like porn. He’s scrolling through a list on his phone.
“Babes in Bali?”
Bridgette actually laughs at that one. “If I got to go to Bali to film a porn, I wouldn’t be working at Hooters.”
Warren turns to her. “Wait,” he says. “How long have you worked at Hooters? Is it a Hooters-related porn?”
Okay, now I’m staring at both of them. What in the hell are they talking about?
Sydney is at the kitchen table doing homework. Apparently she senses my confusion because she offers up an explanation. “Bridgette kissed a girl in a porn film, and she refuses to tell Warren the name of it so that he can watch it. It’s become his life mission.”
Wow. “That explains so much,” I say.
