Me Before You
Page 102
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I opened my eyes. Patrick was standing in the doorway, holding my holiday folder. He held up several pieces of paper. ‘What’s all this?’
‘It’s … the trip. The one I told you about.’
I watched him flick through the paperwork I had shown my sister, taking in the itinerary, the pictures, the Californian beach.
‘I thought … ’ His voice, when it emerged, sounded strangely strangled. ‘I thought you were talking about Lourdes.’
‘What?’
‘Or … I don’t know … Stoke Mandeville … or somewhere. I thought, when you said you couldn’t come because you had to help him, it was actual work. Physio, or faith healing, or something. This looks like … ’ He shook his head disbelievingly. ‘This looks like the holiday of a lifetime.’
‘Well … it kind of is. But not for me. For him.’
Patrick grimaced. ‘No … ’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You wouldn’t enjoy this at all. Hot tubs under the stars, swimming with dolphins … Oh, look, “five-star luxury” and “twenty-four-hour room service”.’ He looked up at me. ‘This isn’t a work trip. This is a bloody honeymoon.’
‘That’s not fair!’
‘But this is? You … you really expect me to just sit here while you swan off with another man on a holiday like this?’
‘His carer is coming too.’
‘Oh. Oh yes, Nathan. That makes it all right, then.’
‘Patrick, come on – it’s complicated.’
‘So explain it to me.’ He thrust the papers towards me. ‘Explain this to me, Lou. Explain it in a way that I can possibly understand.’
‘It matters to me that Will wants to live, that he sees good things in his future.’
‘And those good things would include you?’
‘That’s not fair. Look, have I ever asked you to stop doing the job you love?’
‘My job doesn’t involve hot tubs with strange men.’
‘Well, I don’t mind if it does. You can have hot tubs with strange men! As often as you like! There!’ I tried to smile, hoping he would too.
But he wasn’t having any of it. ‘How would you feel, Lou? How would you feel if I said I was going on some keep-fit convention with – I don’t know – Leanne from the Terrors because she needed cheering up?’
‘Cheering up?’ I thought of Leanne, with her flicky blonde hair and her perfect legs, and I wondered absently why he had thought of her name first.
‘And then how would you feel if I said she and I were going to eat out together all the time, and maybe sit in a hot tub or go on days out together. In some destination six thousand miles away, just because she had been a bit down. That really wouldn’t bother you?’
‘He’s not “a bit down”, Pat. He wants to kill himself. He wants to take himself off to Dignitas, and end his own bloody life.’ I could hear my blood thumping in my ears. ‘And you can’t turn it around like this. You were the one who called Will a cripple. You were the one who made out he couldn’t possibly be a threat to you. “The perfect boss,” you said. Someone not even worth worrying about.’
He put the folder back down on the worktop.
‘Well, Lou … I’m worrying now.’
I sank my face into my hands and let it rest there for a minute. Out in the corridor I heard a fire door swing, and the voices of people swallowed up as a door was unlocked and closed behind them.
Patrick slid his hand slowly backwards and forwards along the edge of the kitchen cabinets. A little muscle worked in his jaw. ‘You know how this feels, Lou? It feels like I might be running, but I feel like I’m permanently just a little bit behind the rest of the field. I feel like … ’ He took a deep breath, as if he were trying to compose himself. ‘I feel like there’s something bad on the bend around the corner, and everyone else seems to know what it is except me.’
He lifted his eyes to mine. ‘I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. But I don’t want you to go. I don’t care if you don’t want to do the Viking, but I don’t want you to go on this … this holiday. With him.’
‘But I –’
‘Nearly seven years, we’ve been together. And you’ve known this man, had this job, for five months. Five months. If you go with him now, you’re telling me something about our relationship. About how you feel about us.’
‘That’s not fair. It doesn’t have to say anything about us,’ I protested.
‘It does if I can say all this and you’re still going to go.’
The little flat seemed so still around us. He was looking at me with an expression I had never seen before.
When my voice emerged, it did so as a whisper. ‘But he needs me.’
I realized almost as soon as I said it, heard the words and how they twisted and regrouped in the air, knew already how I would have felt if he had said the same to me.
He swallowed, shook his head a little as if he were having trouble taking in what I said. His hand came to rest on the side of the worktop, and then he looked up at me.
‘Whatever I say isn’t going to make a difference, is it?’
That was the thing about Patrick. He always was smarter than I gave him credit for.
‘Patrick, I –’
He closed his eyes, just for a moment, and then he turned and walked out of the living room, leaving the last of the empty dishes on the sideboard.
‘It’s … the trip. The one I told you about.’
I watched him flick through the paperwork I had shown my sister, taking in the itinerary, the pictures, the Californian beach.
‘I thought … ’ His voice, when it emerged, sounded strangely strangled. ‘I thought you were talking about Lourdes.’
‘What?’
‘Or … I don’t know … Stoke Mandeville … or somewhere. I thought, when you said you couldn’t come because you had to help him, it was actual work. Physio, or faith healing, or something. This looks like … ’ He shook his head disbelievingly. ‘This looks like the holiday of a lifetime.’
‘Well … it kind of is. But not for me. For him.’
Patrick grimaced. ‘No … ’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You wouldn’t enjoy this at all. Hot tubs under the stars, swimming with dolphins … Oh, look, “five-star luxury” and “twenty-four-hour room service”.’ He looked up at me. ‘This isn’t a work trip. This is a bloody honeymoon.’
‘That’s not fair!’
‘But this is? You … you really expect me to just sit here while you swan off with another man on a holiday like this?’
‘His carer is coming too.’
‘Oh. Oh yes, Nathan. That makes it all right, then.’
‘Patrick, come on – it’s complicated.’
‘So explain it to me.’ He thrust the papers towards me. ‘Explain this to me, Lou. Explain it in a way that I can possibly understand.’
‘It matters to me that Will wants to live, that he sees good things in his future.’
‘And those good things would include you?’
‘That’s not fair. Look, have I ever asked you to stop doing the job you love?’
‘My job doesn’t involve hot tubs with strange men.’
‘Well, I don’t mind if it does. You can have hot tubs with strange men! As often as you like! There!’ I tried to smile, hoping he would too.
But he wasn’t having any of it. ‘How would you feel, Lou? How would you feel if I said I was going on some keep-fit convention with – I don’t know – Leanne from the Terrors because she needed cheering up?’
‘Cheering up?’ I thought of Leanne, with her flicky blonde hair and her perfect legs, and I wondered absently why he had thought of her name first.
‘And then how would you feel if I said she and I were going to eat out together all the time, and maybe sit in a hot tub or go on days out together. In some destination six thousand miles away, just because she had been a bit down. That really wouldn’t bother you?’
‘He’s not “a bit down”, Pat. He wants to kill himself. He wants to take himself off to Dignitas, and end his own bloody life.’ I could hear my blood thumping in my ears. ‘And you can’t turn it around like this. You were the one who called Will a cripple. You were the one who made out he couldn’t possibly be a threat to you. “The perfect boss,” you said. Someone not even worth worrying about.’
He put the folder back down on the worktop.
‘Well, Lou … I’m worrying now.’
I sank my face into my hands and let it rest there for a minute. Out in the corridor I heard a fire door swing, and the voices of people swallowed up as a door was unlocked and closed behind them.
Patrick slid his hand slowly backwards and forwards along the edge of the kitchen cabinets. A little muscle worked in his jaw. ‘You know how this feels, Lou? It feels like I might be running, but I feel like I’m permanently just a little bit behind the rest of the field. I feel like … ’ He took a deep breath, as if he were trying to compose himself. ‘I feel like there’s something bad on the bend around the corner, and everyone else seems to know what it is except me.’
He lifted his eyes to mine. ‘I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. But I don’t want you to go. I don’t care if you don’t want to do the Viking, but I don’t want you to go on this … this holiday. With him.’
‘But I –’
‘Nearly seven years, we’ve been together. And you’ve known this man, had this job, for five months. Five months. If you go with him now, you’re telling me something about our relationship. About how you feel about us.’
‘That’s not fair. It doesn’t have to say anything about us,’ I protested.
‘It does if I can say all this and you’re still going to go.’
The little flat seemed so still around us. He was looking at me with an expression I had never seen before.
When my voice emerged, it did so as a whisper. ‘But he needs me.’
I realized almost as soon as I said it, heard the words and how they twisted and regrouped in the air, knew already how I would have felt if he had said the same to me.
He swallowed, shook his head a little as if he were having trouble taking in what I said. His hand came to rest on the side of the worktop, and then he looked up at me.
‘Whatever I say isn’t going to make a difference, is it?’
That was the thing about Patrick. He always was smarter than I gave him credit for.
‘Patrick, I –’
He closed his eyes, just for a moment, and then he turned and walked out of the living room, leaving the last of the empty dishes on the sideboard.
