Midnight Jewel
Page 84

   Grant was clearly upset too, but he faltered for just a moment. He glanced across the room. “Maybe . . . maybe you’d like to see the lands up north.”
   I pulled the blankets off me and scooted out of the bed to search for my clothes. “I’m not going to be your tagalong, any more than you’ll be my secret lover. I have too much self-respect.”
   He stood up and began pulling on his own pants as I struggled to dress. “Does that involve using an old man for his money? Joining a group of pirates?” Grant gestured angrily around. “Even if you really are picking jobs that let you sleep at night, the rest of your friends aren’t so picky. And by supporting them with what you do choose, you’re unwittingly furthering them in what you don’t. I never thought you were that kind of person, Mirabel.”
   “I’m not doing this for me!” I cried. “I have to do whatever I can to save Lonzo. And you don’t understand that this is the only way to do it!”
   “And you don’t understand that this is the only way I can do what I need to!”
   Silence. We stood there staring at each other, eyes locked, both of us raging. All I could think was Another day, another fight with Grant.
   “I can’t keep doing this,” I said, my voice hoarse. I nodded toward the bed. “Thank you . . . for that. But I’m done. Done with everything. You should’ve listened to Silas about me. I’m cutting myself off from your case. I’m sure you’ll do just fine alone—you always have.”
   He crossed his arms. “That’s probably for the best. Don’t worry—I’ll still make sure you get some of the reward. I know how much that means to you. I’ve got some gold here—”
   “No.” I held up my palm. “Keep it. I don’t want it. I don’t want anything from you anymore.”
   He scoffed. “Of course. Because I’m out of your system now?”
   “Yes.” Even I was surprised at how cold the word sounded. “And because it’s obvious I was never in yours.” I readied myself for a biting retort, but it didn’t come.
   “Mirabel . . .”
   He reached out and touched my cheek. I jumped a little, and he quickly pulled his hand back, staring at his wet fingertip like he’d never seen anything like it before. I rubbed my face, embarrassed at those few traitorous tears. I didn’t even understand why they were there.
   He didn’t say anything else and just held that hand up wonderingly. I couldn’t handle him seeing me like this anymore. Without another word either, I spun around and rushed out of the bedroom and out the front door. I was afraid he’d try to stop me. And also afraid that he wouldn’t.
   But he let me go—like he always did—and as I slammed the door, the words of our earlier conversation hit me like a physical blow.
   “I’ve never thrown you out. You stormed out.”
   “I won’t this time.”
   I ran down the steps. Drunken revelers still staggered down the streets, but I didn’t look at anything or anyone until I was outside the city and almost to the marsh path. I stopped to gather myself and was surprised to find myself shaking. There was a terrible ache in my chest, so painful that I didn’t know how I could take another step. I wasn’t angry anymore. Just sad. And drained. I blinked back more tears and then plunged into the brush.
   What had just happened?
   I’d been overwhelmed when I found out he was alive, ecstatic when we finally gave in to each other. And now . . . now I just wanted to crawl away and hide myself from the world. His words still smarted, especially because there’d been some truth in them. I wouldn’t back down from helping Lonzo, but a shadow of dishonor definitely hung over what I was doing with Tom and Rupert, no matter how much I wanted to convince myself otherwise. I was as bad as my father, using any means I could.
   But Grant should’ve also told me he’d been planning to leave Cape Triumph—and that it wasn’t just to wander the colonies, but to settle in an entirely different nation. A nation far from me.
   I didn’t really think about us beyond this.
   I came to a sudden stop on the path as I remembered his face when I’d said those words. I hadn’t recognized it at the time, but now, I realized what I’d so briefly seen in his features. Pain. When I’d arrived, bursting with joy and relief to see him alive, he’d told me he wasn’t easy to hurt. But it turned out he was—and I’d been the one to do it.
   I picked up my pace, getting angrier and more distraught—both at myself and Grant. And the mud. It was growing softer and softer as spring pushed forward. Suddenly, desperately, I wanted to see Adelaide. She was the only person left here I still loved without complication. I knew she’d been distressed recently, but I hadn’t probed it because I had so many other things that needed my attention. I’d been a shoddy friend and needed to fix that. I’d find out what was making her sad, and I’d stop holding back from her. I’d tell her everything. She’d be shocked, but she loved me too. And it’d be a relief to finally—
   “Mira?”
   I’d almost reached the edge of the woods when someone moved ahead of me. I reached for the dirk and then recognized Aiana’s voice.
   “What are you doing here?” I asked. I could just barely see her peering behind me.
   “Is Adelaide with you?”
   Something about her tone made my blood run cold. “No, why would she be?”
   “I just checked your room—to see if you were back, actually. I wish you’d told me how early you were leaving the gala! Anyway, she wasn’t there either or in any of the washrooms.”
   I pushed my way out to the road. “Well, she must be inside there somewhere. She wouldn’t leave . . .”
   Wouldn’t she? Adelaide had never shown signs of sneaking out again, but I had no idea what the truth might be. It was another mark of my failings as a friend.