Midnight's Kiss
Page 56

His old anger and pain had become such a toxic habit. He could feel the emotions begin to wrap around him again, like a familiar, restricting straitjacket. They felt as heavy as ever, only this time after the lightness of the sensuality and laughter that he and Melly had just shared, the weight felt intolerable and crushed his chest.
Intolerable.
No. No more.
Living with it was like living forever in the tunnels, or finding himself trapped back in the slave pits. It was a dirty, ugly place to exist. He might not have much of a soul, but those negative emotions were strangling whatever he had left.
He wanted her laughter. He needed her tenderness. He wanted her head resting on his chest in front of a winter fire, her fingers laced through his. He needed to embrace the possibility that he really could make different choices at the beginning of a new day.
“I want to let go of the past,” he said quietly. “Can we do that? Let’s draw a line right here and agree that whatever happened before is over and done. We make a pact to forgive each other and move on.”
He could hear the stress in her breathing from across the room. “Why?”
“Because I love you more than anything we’ve done to each other,” he told her. “Because I want to believe you’re right, and that we can make different choices that redefine our lives. Because I believe in you now more than I was able to believe in you then.”
He stood and walked over to kneel in front of her. She watched him with a damp, wary gaze, her expression closed in. Carefully easing the teacup away from her, he set it aside and took her hands.
“I want to tell you some things for your sake, not mine,” he whispered. “Okay?”
Her mouth worked, then she pressed her lips together and nodded.
“You’re a genuinely good person.” His voice was gentle. “You are so much better than I am. You’re kind, and you’re funny, and you’re ingenious and loyal to the point of stupidity.”
“Hey,” she said in warning.
In answer, he pulled the robe open and drew one finger lightly down the path of the scabs on her shoulder, where the feral had clawed her at the gate, and he raised his eyebrows pointedly at her. She scowled at him and yanked the robe closed.
Biting back a brief impulse to smile, he told her, “You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I see you better now than I did when we were together before, and I love you more.” He paused and shook his head. “Whereas, I’m still a bastard. I learned all the many ways there are to kill a person before I ever learned anything else, and I’m always going to be rough around the edges. I know where the spoons, knives and forks are supposed to go, and I just don’t care.”
A small snort escaped her, even as a tear spilled down her cheek.
Carefully, he wiped her face with a thumb as he told her, “When we were together, I wanted to believe all the things you said to me, but I think at my core, I never did believe I was worthy of you. So of course you would end up with someone else. It was inevitable, wasn’t it? After you learned who I really was, there was no way you would ever want to be with me.”
“Oh, Julian.”
“Hush, I’m not finished.” He tightened his hold on her slender fingers and brought them up to his mouth. He said against them, “For the longest time, all I wanted to do was strike out at you and hurt you the way I was hurting. And I don’t want to live that way, or be that man anymore with you. I’m sorry I caused you so much pain, and I want very much to try again, if you will.”
Sniffing, she tugged at her hands. When he released her, she picked up the napkin off the tray and blew her nose.
“I have so many reactions, I don’t know where to start,” she murmured. “Which is par for the course with you. So I’m going to tell them one at a time, okay?”
“Okay.”
She met his gaze. “You’re worthy of me. You’re worth it. Spoons and knives and forks are the most unimportant things in the world. Even when you’re at your lowest point, you have so much damn heart. You offered your life in exchange for mine when you were angry and full of bitterness. I think that’s one of the finest things I’ve ever seen anybody do. So if you can be that man with me, and I mean if you can really let go of your bitterness and trust me when I say I want to be with you, and I love you, and I won’t leave you, hurt or betray you – then yes, I want to try again.”
He felt the smile begin to break over his face, and he opened his mouth to reply.
She put a hand over his mouth. “Hush, I’m the one who’s not finished now. I listened very carefully to what you just said. It sounds like you still might think I cheated on you, even when I told you down by the tunnel gate that I didn’t.”
His smile vanished. “What happened in the past doesn’t matter. All I want to do is draw the line between now and then, and let it all go.”
“You want to forgive and forget, even that.” She looked at him intently. “I’m not rehashing an old issue, Julian. That conversation just happened.”
He felt his world start to slide away. She wasn’t going to accept his proposition. This wasn’t going to work.
There were only two choices in front of him, and both were impossible.
He couldn’t say that he believed her, because she would hear the lie in his voice.
If he said he didn’t believe her, they started the whole cycle over again.
He was trapped, here, in his darkest place. Trapped by the witch to live forever in the role of the Nightkind King. Never connecting with his princess, never winning the love of his life. There would be no transformative magic, no new day.
Looking at her, he did the only thing he could. He told her the truth.
“Is forgiveness such a bad thing?” he whispered. “I love you enough to forgive you anything.”
Her expression was almost indescribable. Tender and exasperated, and with a deep, underlying well of concern.
Then she did a foolish thing.
The most completely unexpected thing.
She took his face in both hands and kissed him. Her lips were so soft, the caress so generous, it made everything clean and new again. It couldn’t be the last kiss, the final touch he would ever receive from her, or he would lie down and die. When she pulled away, he snatched her out of the chair and held on to her.
“It’s a hell of a thing to know, isn’t it?” she said. “That somebody loves you enough to forgive you for anything. I have to tell you, soldier – right now it’s a good thing I love you enough to forgive you anything too. So, yay for us, right?”