"Yeah."
"Eden?" Clarice asks. "Could you take Annabelle's hand? I need to borrow Sofia for a minute."
I relax a little. I talked to Clarice yesterday and she was horrified. She said some of the trainers they brought on were new and overzealous, and what they were doing with Fia was completely inappropriate. She said she'd fix it immediately. I smile and let go of my sister's hand. Clarice is going to tell her that she'll never have to do that insane class again.
There's so much noise here, so many different sounds to filter through. The water, constant, under and over everything. Birds. I didn't notice the birds in my vision-I'll have to pay closer attention next time. Traffic. We must still be near a road. Conversations around me. I can pick out Clarice and Fia.
"Why?" Fia asks.
"We want to see if you can do it. Think of it as a game."
"It's stupid. I won't do it."
"You want out of Ms. Roberston's sessions?"
Pause. "Yes."
"Then show me you can do this. Focus. Go on instinct. All you need to do is figure out a way to get this into that woman's bag without anyone around her noticing."
Pause. "That's all?"
"That's all."
"It doesn't feel right."
"Make it feel right then. You can focus it. I know you can."
"Fine. Whatever."
Then the conversation is over and I'm confused. That wasn't what Clarice was going to talk to her about. Maybe Ms. Robertson is in charge of the self-defense classes. But what was that about a woman and a bag?
I let go of Eden's hand and sit where I am, sifting sand between my fingers, wondering if this is the part where Fia turns back with that look on her face.
"I'm gonna go down to the water; wanna come?" Eden asks, but I shake my head, lost in what I saw. She puts her hand on top of my hair. "You worry too much. Shout if you want me."
A few minutes later someone flops to the sand next to me, and I can tell from the scent and feel of her nearby that it's Fia.
"What did Clarice want?"
"Nothing. Just a stupid game."
"But you're out of the classes, right?"
"Right."
"Good." I smile and lean my head onto her shoulder. "I like how it smells out here."
"It smells like rotten things. You're crazy."
"It smells like it looks. And I know how it looks, too." I smile like the crazy person Fia said I was, and she lets out a small laugh, even though I can feel from the tension in her shoulder she still isn't happy. I'll make her happy. I can fix things. I can be the big sister. "Oh! They said the doctor should have some of the test results back soon, but they want some samples of your DNA to compare and-"
A crack louder than thunder rips through the air, and a flash of heat whooshes past, carrying stinging bits of sand. Fia knocks us to the ground, throwing herself on top of me, and everyone is screaming and I didn't see this, what happened, what happened?
"What happened?" I shout in Fia's ear. But then she shoves off me and she is gone in the blackness now, screaming, screaming as loud as she can.
"WHAT DID YOU MAKE ME DO? WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID I DO?"
She screams and screams until a soft thud hits the ground near me and then she is silent but everyone else is screaming and this is not the beach I saw and I crawl desperately in the sand, searching, because I don't know where Fia is.
Where is Fia?
Chapter Eight
FIA
Monday Evening
"DRUGS, DRUGS, PLEASE GIVE ME DRUGS." I MAKE A face at my pale reflection. My arm hurts. My head hurts. I don't understand anything that's happened today. Annie put the hit on Adam. She's helping Keane. Why? And thanks to Keane's rules, I can't visit her or even call her without being spied on. How could she do this to me? To us? She used me.
My arm hurts.
My life hurts.
"Drugs, drugs, drugs, I want some drugs," I sing, dancing out of the bathroom and into my living room. It's a beautiful apartment, Lincoln Park, impeccably furnished. James picked it for me when we got back from Europe and they decided it was dangerous for me to have easy access to Annie. One too many stray thoughts of grabbing her and running. Stupid Readers.
So she stays at the school and I get "freedom" that is as much a prison as Annie's secure hall because they know I'll never leave her.
As long as I do exactly what I am told I am perfectly free.
"Drugs, James, drugs, drugs-" I stop short, almost tripping, and let my anger (always on simmer, I keep it on simmer just for this) explode. "What are they doing here?"
Ms. Robertson and Eden are sitting on my couch-my couch-and James is by the window on his phone. Anger, anger, anger, Eden is already squirming, looking like she's going to be sick. I turn to Ms. Robertson and mentally list every dirty, foul, obscene word I've ever heard or read. I start screaming them in my head, letting them bounce around inside my skull, the whole place a vast echo chamber of filth and bile and words, words, words.
Then, because her severe mouth is a single straight line but she hasn't gotten truly angry yet, I smile, bare all my teeth at her, and think three simple words: Andy, Ashley, Ally. She gasps in horror and rushes from the couch straight at me, grabbing both my arms (my arm, my arm, pain pain pain) and slamming me into the wall.
"How do you know their names? How?"
Andy, Ashley, Ally. Andy, Ashley, Ally. ANDY, ASHLEY, ALLY.
"STOP IT!" she screams, and I sigh in relief as James pulls her off me. Oh, my arm; spots dance in front of my eyes, but it's worth it.
Ms. Robertson is screaming at James and he's talking, trying to calm her down. I sink along the wall to the floor and laugh. I knew it was a good idea to pick up her cell phone when she left it out on her desk the other day. I didn't even have to sing pop songs, and my thoughts are safe.
"If she doesn't have anything to hide, then why does she do that? You don't know what it's like, having to listen in on her thoughts! She's a monster!"
"Rawr," I say.
James walks her to the door. "I think everyone could use a break. Doris, thank you so much for your efforts, and I promise your family is safe and she doesn't know where they are and even if she did"-he cuts a sharp glance my direction with his warm brown beautiful eyes-"she would never hurt them. She's just disoriented and in pain. It'll pass."
"I doubt that." She opens the door.
"Give my love to the kids," I shout as the door closes, and I've never seen that shade of red on a face. It's quite lovely, actually, I should aim for it more often.
Eden stands. Oh, Eden, why haven't you gotten out of here yet? You could go, you could be free-why are you still working with them? They have nothing on you.
"She's calming down," she says, "but her arm hurts a lot and she's very confused and angry. The last one goes without saying. She's not going to kill herself, though. Can I leave now? I have a headache."
James nods and I see the way she leans toward him, the hand she casually puts on his arm, before pulling herself back and walking carefully to the door. She is aware of how her h*ps look in those jeans-she wants him to want her. I wonder if he still does. I send a big burst of anger in her direction as a parting gift. I hate her.
"Fia," James says, raising an eyebrow. His hair is somewhere between blond and brown, golden really, backlit by the last rays of sun sneaking through my huge picture window, and he is glowing and so very, very handsome. I'm glad Ms. Robertson is gone because I'm thinking things about James I don't want her to hear. About tracing the broad line of his shoulders and his arms, about the way he walks. The curve of his lips. I'm thinking about running my hand down his stomach. He knows what my hands do, he knows about them. He'd still let me, I bet.
I wonder if Adam would let me touch him with my horrible hands, if he knew, if he really knew. I told him I killed people, but I don't think he understands what that means. He can't. If he could, he wouldn't be Adam. Calm and steady and sweet. I wonder where he is, if he's okay.
Don't think about it. Thoughts aren't safe, ever.
James is staring back at me. He knows he's handsome. He uses it to his advantage constantly. Is it bad that I like that about him? I miss him so much. I miss how easy it was, being his.
"James," I say, mimicking his tone, then stand and stumble over to the couch, throwing myself across it. Dr. Grant stitched me up all nice, then James brought me home and actually let me take something. They never let me take anything. (It'll mess with my abilities, they say. You'll take too many again, they don't say.) "I would like some more drugs, please."
"I think no."
"Why not? Come on. I earned it. Besides, I'm about to start my period, and you know how PMSing messes with everything." I beam at him, but he doesn't so much as squirm.
"I seem to recall Clarice saying you were actually at your best then-you just couldn't focus your intuition on what we needed you to do, only on what you wanted to do."
"Yes, well, I seem to recall Clarice being dead."
"Fia," he says, and it's like a sigh. He sits on the other end of the couch and puts my feet across his lap. I shouldn't let him touch me. I don't, usually, because he is a liar and I promised Annie, I promised her so long ago. I broke that promise in Europe, I wanted to break it completely, but I learned better.
But Annie.
Annie.
Annie wanted me to kill Adam.
She wanted me to close gray eyes and put long, soft, sure fingers under the ground. How could she want him dead? Did she want me to do it? How could she set me up for that?
I don't know her at all. All these years, all these things I've done, all these things I've become to keep her happy, to keep her safe. I don't know her. I tap tap tap Annie's betrayal onto my leg.
"Listen," James says, and he's rubbing my feet. His hands engulf them-he's tall, so tall, and stronger than me by far. Right now he could take me in a fight, I think. Maybe not. He wears contacts. I could use that to my advantage.
His fingers linger at my ankle. I haven't let him touch me since I made him bring me back to Chicago. I think it's actually affecting him. Maybe there are a lot of other things I could use to my advantage against James. "What am I supposed to listen to?" I turn and look up at him through my eyelashes.
"You need to calm down. Quit antagonizing the other women. It makes my job a lot harder."
"Oh, poor dear. You have a hard job? I can't imagine."
He yanks my pinky toe. "I think you have a very good imagination. They complain to my father, and then my father suspects I'm not doing a good job managing here." His voice gets tight. Daddy issues. I wish I had daddy issues. Though I suppose I have issues with his daddy. "And if I'm not your manager, I can't help you anymore."
I sit up and pull my feet away from him. I look straight in his eyes. I do not look away and I do not let him look away. "I got shot and I killed someone. Do you have any idea-" I let my voice break. It's not hard. "Do you have any idea what that feels like? What it does to me? How are you helping me?"
"I want to. I'm trying to. But, see, that," he says, cupping the side of my face with his warm hand. "Why can't you let them see that? That's a perfectly acceptable reaction. That's a reaction they can report without getting us in trouble. That's a reaction that gets you trusted in this system."
I shove his hand away and stand. "I'd hate for you to get in any trouble." I put my hands on my hips. "I want something to help me sleep."
His phone rings and when he looks at the screen, his face shifts, gets harder and further away. Must be Daddy Dearest. He answers it.
"Eden?" Clarice asks. "Could you take Annabelle's hand? I need to borrow Sofia for a minute."
I relax a little. I talked to Clarice yesterday and she was horrified. She said some of the trainers they brought on were new and overzealous, and what they were doing with Fia was completely inappropriate. She said she'd fix it immediately. I smile and let go of my sister's hand. Clarice is going to tell her that she'll never have to do that insane class again.
There's so much noise here, so many different sounds to filter through. The water, constant, under and over everything. Birds. I didn't notice the birds in my vision-I'll have to pay closer attention next time. Traffic. We must still be near a road. Conversations around me. I can pick out Clarice and Fia.
"Why?" Fia asks.
"We want to see if you can do it. Think of it as a game."
"It's stupid. I won't do it."
"You want out of Ms. Roberston's sessions?"
Pause. "Yes."
"Then show me you can do this. Focus. Go on instinct. All you need to do is figure out a way to get this into that woman's bag without anyone around her noticing."
Pause. "That's all?"
"That's all."
"It doesn't feel right."
"Make it feel right then. You can focus it. I know you can."
"Fine. Whatever."
Then the conversation is over and I'm confused. That wasn't what Clarice was going to talk to her about. Maybe Ms. Robertson is in charge of the self-defense classes. But what was that about a woman and a bag?
I let go of Eden's hand and sit where I am, sifting sand between my fingers, wondering if this is the part where Fia turns back with that look on her face.
"I'm gonna go down to the water; wanna come?" Eden asks, but I shake my head, lost in what I saw. She puts her hand on top of my hair. "You worry too much. Shout if you want me."
A few minutes later someone flops to the sand next to me, and I can tell from the scent and feel of her nearby that it's Fia.
"What did Clarice want?"
"Nothing. Just a stupid game."
"But you're out of the classes, right?"
"Right."
"Good." I smile and lean my head onto her shoulder. "I like how it smells out here."
"It smells like rotten things. You're crazy."
"It smells like it looks. And I know how it looks, too." I smile like the crazy person Fia said I was, and she lets out a small laugh, even though I can feel from the tension in her shoulder she still isn't happy. I'll make her happy. I can fix things. I can be the big sister. "Oh! They said the doctor should have some of the test results back soon, but they want some samples of your DNA to compare and-"
A crack louder than thunder rips through the air, and a flash of heat whooshes past, carrying stinging bits of sand. Fia knocks us to the ground, throwing herself on top of me, and everyone is screaming and I didn't see this, what happened, what happened?
"What happened?" I shout in Fia's ear. But then she shoves off me and she is gone in the blackness now, screaming, screaming as loud as she can.
"WHAT DID YOU MAKE ME DO? WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID I DO?"
She screams and screams until a soft thud hits the ground near me and then she is silent but everyone else is screaming and this is not the beach I saw and I crawl desperately in the sand, searching, because I don't know where Fia is.
Where is Fia?
Chapter Eight
FIA
Monday Evening
"DRUGS, DRUGS, PLEASE GIVE ME DRUGS." I MAKE A face at my pale reflection. My arm hurts. My head hurts. I don't understand anything that's happened today. Annie put the hit on Adam. She's helping Keane. Why? And thanks to Keane's rules, I can't visit her or even call her without being spied on. How could she do this to me? To us? She used me.
My arm hurts.
My life hurts.
"Drugs, drugs, drugs, I want some drugs," I sing, dancing out of the bathroom and into my living room. It's a beautiful apartment, Lincoln Park, impeccably furnished. James picked it for me when we got back from Europe and they decided it was dangerous for me to have easy access to Annie. One too many stray thoughts of grabbing her and running. Stupid Readers.
So she stays at the school and I get "freedom" that is as much a prison as Annie's secure hall because they know I'll never leave her.
As long as I do exactly what I am told I am perfectly free.
"Drugs, James, drugs, drugs-" I stop short, almost tripping, and let my anger (always on simmer, I keep it on simmer just for this) explode. "What are they doing here?"
Ms. Robertson and Eden are sitting on my couch-my couch-and James is by the window on his phone. Anger, anger, anger, Eden is already squirming, looking like she's going to be sick. I turn to Ms. Robertson and mentally list every dirty, foul, obscene word I've ever heard or read. I start screaming them in my head, letting them bounce around inside my skull, the whole place a vast echo chamber of filth and bile and words, words, words.
Then, because her severe mouth is a single straight line but she hasn't gotten truly angry yet, I smile, bare all my teeth at her, and think three simple words: Andy, Ashley, Ally. She gasps in horror and rushes from the couch straight at me, grabbing both my arms (my arm, my arm, pain pain pain) and slamming me into the wall.
"How do you know their names? How?"
Andy, Ashley, Ally. Andy, Ashley, Ally. ANDY, ASHLEY, ALLY.
"STOP IT!" she screams, and I sigh in relief as James pulls her off me. Oh, my arm; spots dance in front of my eyes, but it's worth it.
Ms. Robertson is screaming at James and he's talking, trying to calm her down. I sink along the wall to the floor and laugh. I knew it was a good idea to pick up her cell phone when she left it out on her desk the other day. I didn't even have to sing pop songs, and my thoughts are safe.
"If she doesn't have anything to hide, then why does she do that? You don't know what it's like, having to listen in on her thoughts! She's a monster!"
"Rawr," I say.
James walks her to the door. "I think everyone could use a break. Doris, thank you so much for your efforts, and I promise your family is safe and she doesn't know where they are and even if she did"-he cuts a sharp glance my direction with his warm brown beautiful eyes-"she would never hurt them. She's just disoriented and in pain. It'll pass."
"I doubt that." She opens the door.
"Give my love to the kids," I shout as the door closes, and I've never seen that shade of red on a face. It's quite lovely, actually, I should aim for it more often.
Eden stands. Oh, Eden, why haven't you gotten out of here yet? You could go, you could be free-why are you still working with them? They have nothing on you.
"She's calming down," she says, "but her arm hurts a lot and she's very confused and angry. The last one goes without saying. She's not going to kill herself, though. Can I leave now? I have a headache."
James nods and I see the way she leans toward him, the hand she casually puts on his arm, before pulling herself back and walking carefully to the door. She is aware of how her h*ps look in those jeans-she wants him to want her. I wonder if he still does. I send a big burst of anger in her direction as a parting gift. I hate her.
"Fia," James says, raising an eyebrow. His hair is somewhere between blond and brown, golden really, backlit by the last rays of sun sneaking through my huge picture window, and he is glowing and so very, very handsome. I'm glad Ms. Robertson is gone because I'm thinking things about James I don't want her to hear. About tracing the broad line of his shoulders and his arms, about the way he walks. The curve of his lips. I'm thinking about running my hand down his stomach. He knows what my hands do, he knows about them. He'd still let me, I bet.
I wonder if Adam would let me touch him with my horrible hands, if he knew, if he really knew. I told him I killed people, but I don't think he understands what that means. He can't. If he could, he wouldn't be Adam. Calm and steady and sweet. I wonder where he is, if he's okay.
Don't think about it. Thoughts aren't safe, ever.
James is staring back at me. He knows he's handsome. He uses it to his advantage constantly. Is it bad that I like that about him? I miss him so much. I miss how easy it was, being his.
"James," I say, mimicking his tone, then stand and stumble over to the couch, throwing myself across it. Dr. Grant stitched me up all nice, then James brought me home and actually let me take something. They never let me take anything. (It'll mess with my abilities, they say. You'll take too many again, they don't say.) "I would like some more drugs, please."
"I think no."
"Why not? Come on. I earned it. Besides, I'm about to start my period, and you know how PMSing messes with everything." I beam at him, but he doesn't so much as squirm.
"I seem to recall Clarice saying you were actually at your best then-you just couldn't focus your intuition on what we needed you to do, only on what you wanted to do."
"Yes, well, I seem to recall Clarice being dead."
"Fia," he says, and it's like a sigh. He sits on the other end of the couch and puts my feet across his lap. I shouldn't let him touch me. I don't, usually, because he is a liar and I promised Annie, I promised her so long ago. I broke that promise in Europe, I wanted to break it completely, but I learned better.
But Annie.
Annie.
Annie wanted me to kill Adam.
She wanted me to close gray eyes and put long, soft, sure fingers under the ground. How could she want him dead? Did she want me to do it? How could she set me up for that?
I don't know her at all. All these years, all these things I've done, all these things I've become to keep her happy, to keep her safe. I don't know her. I tap tap tap Annie's betrayal onto my leg.
"Listen," James says, and he's rubbing my feet. His hands engulf them-he's tall, so tall, and stronger than me by far. Right now he could take me in a fight, I think. Maybe not. He wears contacts. I could use that to my advantage.
His fingers linger at my ankle. I haven't let him touch me since I made him bring me back to Chicago. I think it's actually affecting him. Maybe there are a lot of other things I could use to my advantage against James. "What am I supposed to listen to?" I turn and look up at him through my eyelashes.
"You need to calm down. Quit antagonizing the other women. It makes my job a lot harder."
"Oh, poor dear. You have a hard job? I can't imagine."
He yanks my pinky toe. "I think you have a very good imagination. They complain to my father, and then my father suspects I'm not doing a good job managing here." His voice gets tight. Daddy issues. I wish I had daddy issues. Though I suppose I have issues with his daddy. "And if I'm not your manager, I can't help you anymore."
I sit up and pull my feet away from him. I look straight in his eyes. I do not look away and I do not let him look away. "I got shot and I killed someone. Do you have any idea-" I let my voice break. It's not hard. "Do you have any idea what that feels like? What it does to me? How are you helping me?"
"I want to. I'm trying to. But, see, that," he says, cupping the side of my face with his warm hand. "Why can't you let them see that? That's a perfectly acceptable reaction. That's a reaction they can report without getting us in trouble. That's a reaction that gets you trusted in this system."
I shove his hand away and stand. "I'd hate for you to get in any trouble." I put my hands on my hips. "I want something to help me sleep."
His phone rings and when he looks at the screen, his face shifts, gets harder and further away. Must be Daddy Dearest. He answers it.
