More Than Forever
Page 71
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"What's with the sunrise?" Rose asks, pulling me from my thoughts. She's standing in front of the mural with her back to me.
She looks over her shoulder while I wipe my never-ending tears. "It's the sunrise and sunset," I tell her. "He says it reminds him of our love." I struggle to speak, but I push it down and continue, "Because it's eternal—the rise and fall of the sun. It's forever. Just like us."
***
I leave campus and drive back home. I end up at the one place that I know will help. And I speak to the one person that I know can fix me.
"Mom," I whisper. "I need you."
I lay the flowers in front of her headstone and sit in front of it. "I'm scared," I tell her. "And I'm broken."
I sit for an hour, shedding more tears, wondering how it's possible that tears can keep flowing when your heart is left dry. Then I reach into my bag, pull out pen and notebook, and do something I haven't done since before she passed away.
*Untitled*
By Lucy Lovesalot.
...
-CAMERON-
She was supposed to be on campus yesterday, but I haven't heard a word. She hasn't contacted me, or Micky—so Jake tells me. If she's seen her room, surely someone would know. I've left Rose as a last resort because I don't know if she knows anything that happened to us this summer, and I don't want to be the one to tell her.
"Dude," Minge says, walking into our room. He lifts a package in his hands to show me. "Have you seen this?"
I narrow my eyes before getting off my desk chair and taking it from his hands. Sitting on the bed, I look at the newspaper wrapped package with my name scribbled on it in Lucy's handwriting.
"So... I'm gonna go... and uh... do... something else," Minge mutters.
I glance back up at him. "Thanks man."
He nods before leaving the room and shutting the door after him.
I wipe my hands on the bedspread, waiting for my heart to stop thumping. On the first breath that doesn't feel like a thousand hammers to my chest, I slowly rip it open. It's the Back to the Future hoodie she had in that picture she texted from New Jersey, a model Delorean, and a folded note. The thumping of my heart starts again, but I don't wait for it to settle. I unfold it and read the first line.
Untitled - by Lucy Lovesalot.
I laugh once, and then stop myself, because I have no fucking clue what her next words will do to me.
******
This is a story of a boy, and a girl, falling in love.
Or at least it should be. But it's more than that. It's a story of a boy and a girl who fell so hard in love that love was the only thing they knew. And for so long, that love was enough. That love was their everything.
They shared their dreams, their hopes, their plans for their future. They shared it all, and in doing so, they gave themselves each other. Not just in the physical sense, but in all the other senses possible. Then one night, after sharing their most intimate possession, the girl got scared. She worried that maybe someday the boy would not be there, and this broke the girl's heart.
"You're wrong," the boy told her. And then he proceeded to tell her his thoughts, his dreams, and what he envisioned for their future. Kids. He wanted a perfect little house, with his perfect little wife, and their perfect little kids.
And the girl—her heart swelled at the thought of it. Not just of their future, but of their now. And the eternal love the boy showed for her.
And then one day... it was over.
Just like that.
They shed a thousand tears, over and over. And when it was done, they shed a thousand more.
Now, the boy is still there. Still watching her. Still waiting.
With their dreams of the future broken, he waits.
But the girl is scared. The girl can't let her heartbreak belong to both of them forever. Because one day, she believes, this boy will build a time machine.
He'll go back to the past, to where it began, to where their love was all they needed. Where they could imagine their future, and a house full of their children. He'll want to go back to the boy, falling in love with the girl. And to the girl that could give him his dreams.
He'll want to stay there forever, in a life that was simple, and the only thing that mattered was love.
But here they are, stuck in the present, wondering how to move forward.
The girl thinks, and feels, and thinks some more, no matter how much it hurts her. But she doesn't have the answers. So one day the girl builds a time machine, but she doesn't join him in the past, she goes to the future. To where she sees the boy she fell in love with many, many years ago. And she sees his sadness. She sees him look into the room he designed just for her. She sees the frown that pulls on his lips when he glances at a single armchair. She sees him watching his friend's kids at little league, and wondering to himself what he did in life that was so wrong that he couldn't have that. Then she sees the way he looks at her, with so much held in regret, and sadness, and anger, because he couldn't have any of it. And one day, that regret and sadness and anger—they turn into hate. And the love they once had, the love that made their world spin, has turned into hate.
So there they are; the boy in the past, falling in love with the girl. And the girl in the future, with the boy that can no longer love her.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
-CAMERON- My body shakes as I march to her dorm, her note scrunched roughly in my hands. I bang on her door harder than I should. People stare, call me crazy, but I don't care. "LUCY!" I bang again. Harder, louder. "LUCY!"
The door opens, but it's not her. "Where is she?"
"Whoa," Rose says, her hands up in surrender. "Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not fucking okay! Where is she?" I shove the door further open and step inside, my eyes frantically scanning for her. I push open the bathroom door, but she's not there either.
"Where is she, Rose?"
"I don't know, Cameron, you need to calm down." She settles her hand on my shoulder. "Breathe," she says.
And I do.
Once the adrenaline settles and my muscles relax, I look her in the eyes. "Rose, if you know where she is... please tell me," I beg. "I need to see her."
***
Ten minutes later I'm parked behind Lucy's car at the front of Jake and Micky's house. I try to stay calm as I knock on their door. Jake answers but I shove him out of the way and I walk to Lucy sitting on their couch. "What the hell is this?" I yell, raising her note in my hand.
She flinches and brings her knees up to her chin.
"I'm fucking serious, Lucy. What the hell?" I tried to stay level, I really did, but I'm pissed. Beyond pissed.
"Cameron," Micky says, standing up and pushing me away.
Lucy starts crying, or maybe she already was. I don't know.
"Lucy! Look at me!"
She doesn't. She just continues to sob with her arms shielding her head, hiding herself.
Hiding from me.
My fists ball. "How the fuck can you feel any of this? At what point have I ever done anything, ANYTHING," I shout, "to make you feel like this! To make you feel like I didn't love you or would ever stop loving you! This is bullshit! I've done nothing but fucking love you every day since the day I knew your goddamn name and you think you can walk away! I'm not letting you go!"
She looks over her shoulder while I wipe my never-ending tears. "It's the sunrise and sunset," I tell her. "He says it reminds him of our love." I struggle to speak, but I push it down and continue, "Because it's eternal—the rise and fall of the sun. It's forever. Just like us."
***
I leave campus and drive back home. I end up at the one place that I know will help. And I speak to the one person that I know can fix me.
"Mom," I whisper. "I need you."
I lay the flowers in front of her headstone and sit in front of it. "I'm scared," I tell her. "And I'm broken."
I sit for an hour, shedding more tears, wondering how it's possible that tears can keep flowing when your heart is left dry. Then I reach into my bag, pull out pen and notebook, and do something I haven't done since before she passed away.
*Untitled*
By Lucy Lovesalot.
...
-CAMERON-
She was supposed to be on campus yesterday, but I haven't heard a word. She hasn't contacted me, or Micky—so Jake tells me. If she's seen her room, surely someone would know. I've left Rose as a last resort because I don't know if she knows anything that happened to us this summer, and I don't want to be the one to tell her.
"Dude," Minge says, walking into our room. He lifts a package in his hands to show me. "Have you seen this?"
I narrow my eyes before getting off my desk chair and taking it from his hands. Sitting on the bed, I look at the newspaper wrapped package with my name scribbled on it in Lucy's handwriting.
"So... I'm gonna go... and uh... do... something else," Minge mutters.
I glance back up at him. "Thanks man."
He nods before leaving the room and shutting the door after him.
I wipe my hands on the bedspread, waiting for my heart to stop thumping. On the first breath that doesn't feel like a thousand hammers to my chest, I slowly rip it open. It's the Back to the Future hoodie she had in that picture she texted from New Jersey, a model Delorean, and a folded note. The thumping of my heart starts again, but I don't wait for it to settle. I unfold it and read the first line.
Untitled - by Lucy Lovesalot.
I laugh once, and then stop myself, because I have no fucking clue what her next words will do to me.
******
This is a story of a boy, and a girl, falling in love.
Or at least it should be. But it's more than that. It's a story of a boy and a girl who fell so hard in love that love was the only thing they knew. And for so long, that love was enough. That love was their everything.
They shared their dreams, their hopes, their plans for their future. They shared it all, and in doing so, they gave themselves each other. Not just in the physical sense, but in all the other senses possible. Then one night, after sharing their most intimate possession, the girl got scared. She worried that maybe someday the boy would not be there, and this broke the girl's heart.
"You're wrong," the boy told her. And then he proceeded to tell her his thoughts, his dreams, and what he envisioned for their future. Kids. He wanted a perfect little house, with his perfect little wife, and their perfect little kids.
And the girl—her heart swelled at the thought of it. Not just of their future, but of their now. And the eternal love the boy showed for her.
And then one day... it was over.
Just like that.
They shed a thousand tears, over and over. And when it was done, they shed a thousand more.
Now, the boy is still there. Still watching her. Still waiting.
With their dreams of the future broken, he waits.
But the girl is scared. The girl can't let her heartbreak belong to both of them forever. Because one day, she believes, this boy will build a time machine.
He'll go back to the past, to where it began, to where their love was all they needed. Where they could imagine their future, and a house full of their children. He'll want to go back to the boy, falling in love with the girl. And to the girl that could give him his dreams.
He'll want to stay there forever, in a life that was simple, and the only thing that mattered was love.
But here they are, stuck in the present, wondering how to move forward.
The girl thinks, and feels, and thinks some more, no matter how much it hurts her. But she doesn't have the answers. So one day the girl builds a time machine, but she doesn't join him in the past, she goes to the future. To where she sees the boy she fell in love with many, many years ago. And she sees his sadness. She sees him look into the room he designed just for her. She sees the frown that pulls on his lips when he glances at a single armchair. She sees him watching his friend's kids at little league, and wondering to himself what he did in life that was so wrong that he couldn't have that. Then she sees the way he looks at her, with so much held in regret, and sadness, and anger, because he couldn't have any of it. And one day, that regret and sadness and anger—they turn into hate. And the love they once had, the love that made their world spin, has turned into hate.
So there they are; the boy in the past, falling in love with the girl. And the girl in the future, with the boy that can no longer love her.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
-CAMERON- My body shakes as I march to her dorm, her note scrunched roughly in my hands. I bang on her door harder than I should. People stare, call me crazy, but I don't care. "LUCY!" I bang again. Harder, louder. "LUCY!"
The door opens, but it's not her. "Where is she?"
"Whoa," Rose says, her hands up in surrender. "Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not fucking okay! Where is she?" I shove the door further open and step inside, my eyes frantically scanning for her. I push open the bathroom door, but she's not there either.
"Where is she, Rose?"
"I don't know, Cameron, you need to calm down." She settles her hand on my shoulder. "Breathe," she says.
And I do.
Once the adrenaline settles and my muscles relax, I look her in the eyes. "Rose, if you know where she is... please tell me," I beg. "I need to see her."
***
Ten minutes later I'm parked behind Lucy's car at the front of Jake and Micky's house. I try to stay calm as I knock on their door. Jake answers but I shove him out of the way and I walk to Lucy sitting on their couch. "What the hell is this?" I yell, raising her note in my hand.
She flinches and brings her knees up to her chin.
"I'm fucking serious, Lucy. What the hell?" I tried to stay level, I really did, but I'm pissed. Beyond pissed.
"Cameron," Micky says, standing up and pushing me away.
Lucy starts crying, or maybe she already was. I don't know.
"Lucy! Look at me!"
She doesn't. She just continues to sob with her arms shielding her head, hiding herself.
Hiding from me.
My fists ball. "How the fuck can you feel any of this? At what point have I ever done anything, ANYTHING," I shout, "to make you feel like this! To make you feel like I didn't love you or would ever stop loving you! This is bullshit! I've done nothing but fucking love you every day since the day I knew your goddamn name and you think you can walk away! I'm not letting you go!"
