***
Not for a second did I expect to have the kind of time I had with Logan. He brought out parts of me in that one night that I hadn't felt for a long time. Not since the beginning of my relationship with Ty. With Ty—it was different. It was a gradual build up, a slow burn before acceptance. With Logan—there was nothing to accept. It just was.
So the entire ride home at four in the morning, after an amazing first date, I began to panic. It wasn't like I was instantly head over heels in love with him. But I thought, that given time, maybe I could be. I had no idea if he felt the same thing I did, in fact, I had no idea how he felt at all. And then he reached over, took my hand in his, gave me a small smile, and that was it.
That was all I needed.
Stupid.
Ty answered on the second ring.
"Hey," he said quietly, followed by a sigh.
It sounded like I was the last person he wanted to speak to.
"Were you sleeping?"
Another sigh. "No, Amanda. I just got home."
He never called me Amanda. Since the day I brought him home to meet my parents, and he found out they all called me Dimmy —and why—he started calling me that, too.
"What's up?" he said. "Why are you calling me so late? Or early? Or whatever."
I swallowed down the knot in my throat. My eyes stung with tears.
"We need to talk," I managed to get out.
Nothing.
"Ty?"
"You're breaking up with me, right?" He said it so quietly; I thought for a second that I imagined it. But then it all made sense. He was expecting it. Waiting for it. Wanting it.
"I met someone else," I told him.
I could hear him blow out a breath, then movement, like he was standing up and walking somewhere else.
"You did?" he asked.
That's when the tears fell. Like a damn that'd been broken. And I don't know if it was just Ty, or the lack of college plans, or any future plans at all, or if it was the fact that I still hadn't heard from my dad. Most likely, it was all of it.
"Who is he?" he said, when I hadn't spoken.
"Just a guy. You don't know him."
"And?"
"What?"
"You want to be with him now?" His voice broke. "You don't want to be with me anymore?"
I thought about my next words carefully, "Are we, though? I mean, are we together? I haven't spoken to you in weeks."
"The phone works both ways, Amanda."
He was right. It did. But the first few times I called him he didn't answer. He was always so busy that I didn't want to disturb him. "You're always busy."
He laughed once, but it was a bitter laugh. "Yeah, fuck, Dim. I'm sorry I'm in college, and working, and doing this stupid half assed paid internship just to be treated like scum everyday. I'm sorry that I don't have time to talk to my girlfriend 500 miles away. I'm sorry that I'm here and you're stuck all the way over there and there's not a Goddamn thing we can do about it. I'm sorry my life is so busy and complicated, while you're what? Meeting random guys and going out with them? I'm really fucking sorry." His voice got louder with every word, his tone icy.
I bit my lip, trying so hard not to break down.
"So that's it, huh?" he continued, "We're done? You want to be with him?"
I nodded, and even though he couldn't see it, he must've sensed it.
"What the hell happened to us?" he said, but it was more to himself.
I wiped away the tears and gripped the phone tighter. "I don't know Ty, you tell me. Where have you been? We barely even talk anymore. Ever since I told you I couldn't go to New York, it's like you've shut me out completely. And I don't know why-"
"It's not important...not anymore," he cut me off.
"Ty..." I tried to reason with him.
"Look, Dim. I just need some time," he paused. "Just please don't call me, okay? I'll call you when I'm ready."
And then he hung up.
He didn't call me.
But neither did Logan.
***
Two weeks passed, and I was a mess.
I had come to terms with the fact that I was also a fucking idiot.
Because I let some guy I didn't even know unknowingly work his way into my heart. So I did what I thought was right at the time. I called Ty and begged him to forgive me. I begged him to take me back. I needed him to take back.
The first thing he asked was whether I slept with Logan, and when I told him I hadn't, he said it was worse. He said that maybe he could have forgiven me if it was just sex—if it was something physical. But the fact that I actually wanted to be with someone else, spend time with someone else, give my heart to someone else - that he couldn't forgive me for. He couldn't understand how after years of making things work long distance, and how strongly we felt for each other—how I could just throw it all away.
I sat there, on the edge of my bed, and listened to everything he had to say. And he was right, about all of it.
But then I brought up the fact that I thought he wanted me to break up with him. I mentioned that he stopped calling, and that he was always busy and it seemed like he stopped caring about me— and that's when he told me. He told me he was trying to keep up with classes while working two jobs as well as a shitty internship because he was saving money to get an apartment for us. So that even if I wasn't going to school there, we could at least be together.
And I ruined it. I ruined us. I broke his heart. I broke mine. I broke us.
I fucked up.
And I couldn't even blame Logan.
As much as I tried, I couldn't.
It wasn't his fault I was stupid enough to believe him.
***
The night I saw him at the club, making out with another girl, just happened to be the same night Greg was there. Greg—Ty's best friend. He caught me on my way out, with tears streaming down my face—tears I shed for a boy I barely knew.
He was with a bunch of his friends, most of them I knew—only in passing—because they were Ty's friends, too. "Hey," he soothed, lifting my chin so he could see my face. I'm sure I looked as messy on the outside as I felt on the inside. "Are you okay?" He's brows creased with what I believed was genuine concern.
I bit my lip to stop the sob escaping, but it didn't work. The next thing I knew I was in his arms as he led me to his car. He didn't say anything, and he didn't ask me to, either. When the crying finally stopped, all he said was, "You want to tell me how sucky your life is?"
It made me laugh, and I did. I wanted to tell somebody. So I told him. I told him about my dad, and about Ty, and how I felt shut out after I told him I couldn't be in New York with him. I told him about how I thought it was over between us, and I even told him about the stupid date with Logan, and the phone call I made after. I told him about how I fucked up with Ty, and even though I begged for him to take me back, he wouldn't, and I had to accept that.
