"It's still pouring out, I'll give you a ride to your mom's."
Whatever.
I didn't move, but I didn't decline.
I heard him grab his keys before he brushed past me and led me to his car.
The drive home was silent apart from my soft cries.
When he pulled into the driveway, he didn't turn the car off, and he didn't look at me. Not until I opened the door to get out.
"Wait," he said again.
So I did.
Finally, he turned to face me.
And we stared at each other. Like we did the first time I sat in this car. Not knowing that one night would lead us here—to this moment.
He swallowed and cleared his throat, his eyes started to glaze with his own tears. He sniffed once, trying to hold it together. And I don't know why he chose this moment. Why he said what he said next. Or why he even said it all.
"I love you, Amanda."
And then he quickly turned and faced forward again, refusing to look at me. Refusing to acknowledge what he'd just said. What he just did.
And I know why.
It's because he doesn't.
He doesn't love me.
Not at all.
Those words he promised would belong to me forever—they don't.
And I didn't have him.
Not forever.
Not even for now.
Not anymore.
So I told him the one truth that wasn't a truth, but one I had to believe to get through the rest of my life without him.
"I hate you, Logan."
And then I was out of his car, slamming the door shut, and walking away. Because it was my turn. It was my fucking turn to leave him behind.
Logan
Dad looked up when I entered his office.
"Everything okay?"
I nodded
"You ready?"
I nodded again.
FORTY ONE
Amanda
Five weeks.
It's been five weeks since I'd seen him. I hadn't heard from him once. Not a thing. And I think it's for the best. I think that maybe I needed a clean break. A way to completely erase him from my life. I'd told Micky and Lucy, and they understood. They knew that being around them might mean being around him, or even hearing about him. And I couldn’t do that to myself. Not now. Not yet. I was back to where I was when I first got here. Trying to do everything I could to avoid him.
"I have something to tell you." Ethan turned the TV off and I faced him. He was home more often now, and I knew why. He was worried about me. He thinks I've turned into the girl from that summer. But I wasn't. Not really. I was nowhere near as broken as I was then. Maybe it was because I was immune to the fucked up ways of Logan Matthews. Maybe it was because I'd come to accept the fact that maybe—just maybe—it was my fault. That I never should have taken him back the first time. Or the second time. Or the third. Whatever it was. I didn't care. I was over it.
"Dimmy." He tried to get my attention again.
"What? What do you have to tell me? If it's about his room—not yet, okay? Just wait. Another week. I've got to go in there and clear out my stuff."
Okay, so maybe I wasn't not over it yet. But I was close.
"No." He shook his head. "That's not it. But uh, it's about him."
I looked away. "Then I don't want to know."
"Dimmy, I think you need to know."
"I don't think I need to know shit about him anymore, E. I'm done with him."
"He's gone."
My head whipped to his. "What do you mean he's gone?"
"Like, gone. Away. Out of the country. He's traveling the world or some shit. I don't know." He shrugged.
"What? How? What about college? What about med school? Traveling where?"
"Dim, I don't know. I bumped into James today and he asked how you felt about Logan experiencing the world indefinitely, or something."
"Indefinitely?"
"Seriously, I don't know. I know as much as I just told you. Look, I'm just telling you so that you know it's okay. You don't have to worry about bumping into him on campus or anything. You can hang out with your friends again. He won't be there. I just wanted you to know. And honestly, Dim, you fucking deserve to know. He should have at least told you that much."
EPILOGUE
Logan
I was the match that started the inferno.
Excerpt More Than Him
Spring 2014
A knock on the window caused me to jump out of my skin. I held my hand to my heart and turned to see a familiar face. He knocked again.
I should’ve expected to see him; we were parked at the front of his work. I wound down the window.
"Hey, Amanda," he greeted. Then rubbed the scruff of his beard with the back of his fingers. “You got a minute? I’d like to have a quick word if that’s okay?"
It could only be about one thing, and for a second, I hesitated. But I wouldn’t let this ruin what I’d spent months trying build. "Sure," I smiled at him and got out of the car.
He motioned for me to sit on a bench a few feet away. I did. “How have you been, Dr. Matthews?"
"You know to call me Alan, Amanda."
I laughed. "How have you been, Alan?"
He blew out a breath, his smile completely gone. "I’ve been better." He cleared his throat. "That’s actually why I wanted to speak to you."
My eyebrows drew in. "What do you mean?"
He took my hand in both of his. I let him. I swallowed down my emotions and blinked back the tears. I don’t know how he’d suddenly made me feel like this.
"I owe you an apology—"
I opened my mouth to interrupt but he lifted his hand to stop me.
"Please, sweetheart," he said. "I need to apologize to you. Logan—"
My breath caught. No one’s mentioned him by name since he left.
"He was in a bad way after what happened to you. And even though it happened to him, too. He never saw it like that. All he ever saw was you. He blamed himself. He thought it was his fault that it happened. And he thought that if you hadn’t of met him—well—" He let out all the air in his lungs. Then he looked at me. Right into my eyes.
I let a tear fall.
"I thought I was helping him. It was my idea for him to leave and travel. I thought that maybe it would help him if he saw things differently…but hell, I never even thought about you."
I let the dam break.
"And I’m sorry," he continued. "I’m sorry that he’s gone."
"Please." I managed to say, trying to stop him from continuing. I wiped my face. "I appreciate what you’re saying. I really do. But you’re not the one that should be apologizing."
Whatever.
I didn't move, but I didn't decline.
I heard him grab his keys before he brushed past me and led me to his car.
The drive home was silent apart from my soft cries.
When he pulled into the driveway, he didn't turn the car off, and he didn't look at me. Not until I opened the door to get out.
"Wait," he said again.
So I did.
Finally, he turned to face me.
And we stared at each other. Like we did the first time I sat in this car. Not knowing that one night would lead us here—to this moment.
He swallowed and cleared his throat, his eyes started to glaze with his own tears. He sniffed once, trying to hold it together. And I don't know why he chose this moment. Why he said what he said next. Or why he even said it all.
"I love you, Amanda."
And then he quickly turned and faced forward again, refusing to look at me. Refusing to acknowledge what he'd just said. What he just did.
And I know why.
It's because he doesn't.
He doesn't love me.
Not at all.
Those words he promised would belong to me forever—they don't.
And I didn't have him.
Not forever.
Not even for now.
Not anymore.
So I told him the one truth that wasn't a truth, but one I had to believe to get through the rest of my life without him.
"I hate you, Logan."
And then I was out of his car, slamming the door shut, and walking away. Because it was my turn. It was my fucking turn to leave him behind.
Logan
Dad looked up when I entered his office.
"Everything okay?"
I nodded
"You ready?"
I nodded again.
FORTY ONE
Amanda
Five weeks.
It's been five weeks since I'd seen him. I hadn't heard from him once. Not a thing. And I think it's for the best. I think that maybe I needed a clean break. A way to completely erase him from my life. I'd told Micky and Lucy, and they understood. They knew that being around them might mean being around him, or even hearing about him. And I couldn’t do that to myself. Not now. Not yet. I was back to where I was when I first got here. Trying to do everything I could to avoid him.
"I have something to tell you." Ethan turned the TV off and I faced him. He was home more often now, and I knew why. He was worried about me. He thinks I've turned into the girl from that summer. But I wasn't. Not really. I was nowhere near as broken as I was then. Maybe it was because I was immune to the fucked up ways of Logan Matthews. Maybe it was because I'd come to accept the fact that maybe—just maybe—it was my fault. That I never should have taken him back the first time. Or the second time. Or the third. Whatever it was. I didn't care. I was over it.
"Dimmy." He tried to get my attention again.
"What? What do you have to tell me? If it's about his room—not yet, okay? Just wait. Another week. I've got to go in there and clear out my stuff."
Okay, so maybe I wasn't not over it yet. But I was close.
"No." He shook his head. "That's not it. But uh, it's about him."
I looked away. "Then I don't want to know."
"Dimmy, I think you need to know."
"I don't think I need to know shit about him anymore, E. I'm done with him."
"He's gone."
My head whipped to his. "What do you mean he's gone?"
"Like, gone. Away. Out of the country. He's traveling the world or some shit. I don't know." He shrugged.
"What? How? What about college? What about med school? Traveling where?"
"Dim, I don't know. I bumped into James today and he asked how you felt about Logan experiencing the world indefinitely, or something."
"Indefinitely?"
"Seriously, I don't know. I know as much as I just told you. Look, I'm just telling you so that you know it's okay. You don't have to worry about bumping into him on campus or anything. You can hang out with your friends again. He won't be there. I just wanted you to know. And honestly, Dim, you fucking deserve to know. He should have at least told you that much."
EPILOGUE
Logan
I was the match that started the inferno.
Excerpt More Than Him
Spring 2014
A knock on the window caused me to jump out of my skin. I held my hand to my heart and turned to see a familiar face. He knocked again.
I should’ve expected to see him; we were parked at the front of his work. I wound down the window.
"Hey, Amanda," he greeted. Then rubbed the scruff of his beard with the back of his fingers. “You got a minute? I’d like to have a quick word if that’s okay?"
It could only be about one thing, and for a second, I hesitated. But I wouldn’t let this ruin what I’d spent months trying build. "Sure," I smiled at him and got out of the car.
He motioned for me to sit on a bench a few feet away. I did. “How have you been, Dr. Matthews?"
"You know to call me Alan, Amanda."
I laughed. "How have you been, Alan?"
He blew out a breath, his smile completely gone. "I’ve been better." He cleared his throat. "That’s actually why I wanted to speak to you."
My eyebrows drew in. "What do you mean?"
He took my hand in both of his. I let him. I swallowed down my emotions and blinked back the tears. I don’t know how he’d suddenly made me feel like this.
"I owe you an apology—"
I opened my mouth to interrupt but he lifted his hand to stop me.
"Please, sweetheart," he said. "I need to apologize to you. Logan—"
My breath caught. No one’s mentioned him by name since he left.
"He was in a bad way after what happened to you. And even though it happened to him, too. He never saw it like that. All he ever saw was you. He blamed himself. He thought it was his fault that it happened. And he thought that if you hadn’t of met him—well—" He let out all the air in his lungs. Then he looked at me. Right into my eyes.
I let a tear fall.
"I thought I was helping him. It was my idea for him to leave and travel. I thought that maybe it would help him if he saw things differently…but hell, I never even thought about you."
I let the dam break.
"And I’m sorry," he continued. "I’m sorry that he’s gone."
"Please." I managed to say, trying to stop him from continuing. I wiped my face. "I appreciate what you’re saying. I really do. But you’re not the one that should be apologizing."
