"Logan," Heidi called out from across the firepit. She didn't wait for conversation to die down. She just cut right in. Everyone turned to her. She hadn't said much during the night. I figured maybe she was embarrassed in front of Amanda for the way she’d treated her the last time we'd seen her, but looking at her now, she was beyond the buzzed state the rest of us were in. She was drunk, which was evident when she mumbled, "You ever think about what would've happened if you and I never broke up? We could've been good—you and me."
Her eyes were bloodshot, half hooded. She struggled to hold her head up. I struggled to answer. "Um, I think maybe—"
"I mean, I know we just fucked . . . a lot . . ."
Amanda tried to wriggle her hand out of my hold, but I tightened my grip. I felt her body move away, but I couldn't take my eyes of Heidi.
"And when I told you that I wanted to date another guy—Dylan." She rolled her eyes. "I thought you'd at least try to stop me, you know. I thought we had something good. Not just the sex."
Amanda tried again to remove her hand. I held onto it tighter still.
We all sat in silence, but Heidi kept going. "We could have worked. You and I could've been the hot power couple through high school, maybe even college. Then I wouldn't be some college junior whose boyfriend dumped her for the marines." She laughed once. "Remember how we'd lay naked in bed all day and teach each other everything. Those were good times, Logan. We should do it again sometime."
My eyebrows pinched. What the hell had happened to her while I was gone? It had to be more than just Dylan leaving.
Jake cut in. I'm glad he did, because I couldn't have formed words if I’d tried. "I think you've had enough to drink, Heids. Maybe it's time to call it a night."
I turned to face him.
"Yeah. You're right," Heidi agreed. "I've texted my friend. She's on her way."
I was too busy looking at Micky, who was frowning.
I followed her gaze.
Amanda.
Shit.
Amanda
I kept my head down, not wanting them to notice the stupid tears in my stupid eyes. Then I heard her speak, "Well, Logan, it was really nice seeing you again. I'm really glad you're home." I saw her feet stop in front of his from the corner of my eye. I still refused to look up. But then he released my hand that I'd been trying to withdraw, and the movements made me glance up at them.
And I wish that I hadn't.
Her arms were out, an invitation for a hug.
He stood up.
She placed her hands around his shoulders.
He wrapped his around her waist.
Then her fingers curled into his hair, bringing his face closer to hers.
And then their mouths connected.
She moaned.
Thump. Thump.
And then nothing.
My eyes shut tight.
My stomach hit the floor.
My head dropped.
His voice broke through. "I'll walk you out," he said.
And then he was gone.
Seconds passed. It felt like hours.
"Amanda?" Micky crooned.
I lifted my eyes to her.
"She's not in a good way. She's been struggling with a lot of stuff lately. It doesn't mean anything. He didn't kiss her back."
I nodded once. It was all I could do.
Then I cleared my throat. "It doesn't matter." It really didn't. Because I was here, and he was with her.
32
Logan
I tried to take her hand when I got back, but she crossed her arms over her chest and looked down. I sighed, and moved so I could speak into her ear. "I didn't kiss her back, babe. I pulled away as soon as I knew what was happening."
"It doesn't matter," she said quietly, but refused to look at me. It did matter. Obviously, it mattered.
"Amanda," I tried again.
She chewed her lip, her exhale of breath causing it to quiver. I leaned in close and softly kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
She raised her hand and wiped at her eyes. "It's fine. We'll talk about it later, not here." Her voice broke.
So did my heart.
I pulled back, not knowing what else to do. I placed my hand on her leg, and watched as it began to tremble. She glanced at it quickly, before staring off into the distance.
She didn't cover it.
She didn't comfort me.
She didn't speak for the rest of our time there.
We said goodbye earlier than expected. It was awkward, not just for us, but for everyone.
I kept my hand on her leg on the drive home. It hadn't stopped trembling. She kept quiet, eyes fixed on the road in front of her.
I spoke first. "You obviously didn't see it, but I pushed her away as soon as—"
"I don't care about that," she cut in. She sounded sad, and tired. Maybe she was tired of me fucking up.
"Then what's wrong? Will you please talk to me?"
"If you don't know—"
"No. I'm sorry, but don't pull that, if you don't know then I shouldn't have to tell you shit. Obviously I don't know. You need to tell me."
She sighed, glancing at me quickly. "I don't know, Logan. It's not just about her kissing you. It's that you just let her sit there and talk about you guys like that. You didn't interrupt her; you didn't ask her to stop. Do you know how that made me feel? She was disrespecting me, and you didn't even care."
Shit.
"Why didn't you say anything?" she asked.
I got defensive. I don't know why. Maybe because I knew she was right, and I felt like an asshole. "Why didn't you say anything?"
She got louder. "Because she's your friend, Logan. Not mine."
"It's just stupid that we're arguing about this right now."
"You think my feelings are stupid?" she cried.
"That's not what I said."
"How the hell would you like it if Tyson sat in front of you and all of my friends and started talking about us, and how we used to fuck." She spat out the last word, wanting to hurt me.
It did.
I stayed silent.
"You think it would be okay if he told you about how he took my virginity? And that I had no idea what I was doing so he taught me everything, just the way he liked it? Maybe the things you like, that I do to you, are things he showed me." I felt the bile rise in my throat. I wanted to tell her to stop, but she kept talking. "You'd want to sit there and listen to how he used to sneak into my room at night so we could have sex? Or the times out in his car, when we had nowhere else to go? Or how about the first time we made each other co—"
"Stop!" It came out more forcefully than I’d intended, but I felt sick. Legit, sick to my stomach. I wanted to puke. "I get it, okay? Enough."
"You get it?" She laughed once. That bitter fucking laugh I hated so much. But it was different this time—quieter—as if she were still lost in her own thoughts. "That's not the point, Logan. The point is that I would never let him talk about that stuff. Not in front of our friends, and definitely not in front of you. And you know why?" It wasn't a question. "Because I respect you, and I respect us. And you—you didn't. You just let it happen. And then you left me sitting there, feeling disrespected and pathetic, while you walked her out of the house to make sure she was okay." She took a few calming breaths. "I hope she was okay, because I wasn't."
Her eyes were bloodshot, half hooded. She struggled to hold her head up. I struggled to answer. "Um, I think maybe—"
"I mean, I know we just fucked . . . a lot . . ."
Amanda tried to wriggle her hand out of my hold, but I tightened my grip. I felt her body move away, but I couldn't take my eyes of Heidi.
"And when I told you that I wanted to date another guy—Dylan." She rolled her eyes. "I thought you'd at least try to stop me, you know. I thought we had something good. Not just the sex."
Amanda tried again to remove her hand. I held onto it tighter still.
We all sat in silence, but Heidi kept going. "We could have worked. You and I could've been the hot power couple through high school, maybe even college. Then I wouldn't be some college junior whose boyfriend dumped her for the marines." She laughed once. "Remember how we'd lay naked in bed all day and teach each other everything. Those were good times, Logan. We should do it again sometime."
My eyebrows pinched. What the hell had happened to her while I was gone? It had to be more than just Dylan leaving.
Jake cut in. I'm glad he did, because I couldn't have formed words if I’d tried. "I think you've had enough to drink, Heids. Maybe it's time to call it a night."
I turned to face him.
"Yeah. You're right," Heidi agreed. "I've texted my friend. She's on her way."
I was too busy looking at Micky, who was frowning.
I followed her gaze.
Amanda.
Shit.
Amanda
I kept my head down, not wanting them to notice the stupid tears in my stupid eyes. Then I heard her speak, "Well, Logan, it was really nice seeing you again. I'm really glad you're home." I saw her feet stop in front of his from the corner of my eye. I still refused to look up. But then he released my hand that I'd been trying to withdraw, and the movements made me glance up at them.
And I wish that I hadn't.
Her arms were out, an invitation for a hug.
He stood up.
She placed her hands around his shoulders.
He wrapped his around her waist.
Then her fingers curled into his hair, bringing his face closer to hers.
And then their mouths connected.
She moaned.
Thump. Thump.
And then nothing.
My eyes shut tight.
My stomach hit the floor.
My head dropped.
His voice broke through. "I'll walk you out," he said.
And then he was gone.
Seconds passed. It felt like hours.
"Amanda?" Micky crooned.
I lifted my eyes to her.
"She's not in a good way. She's been struggling with a lot of stuff lately. It doesn't mean anything. He didn't kiss her back."
I nodded once. It was all I could do.
Then I cleared my throat. "It doesn't matter." It really didn't. Because I was here, and he was with her.
32
Logan
I tried to take her hand when I got back, but she crossed her arms over her chest and looked down. I sighed, and moved so I could speak into her ear. "I didn't kiss her back, babe. I pulled away as soon as I knew what was happening."
"It doesn't matter," she said quietly, but refused to look at me. It did matter. Obviously, it mattered.
"Amanda," I tried again.
She chewed her lip, her exhale of breath causing it to quiver. I leaned in close and softly kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
She raised her hand and wiped at her eyes. "It's fine. We'll talk about it later, not here." Her voice broke.
So did my heart.
I pulled back, not knowing what else to do. I placed my hand on her leg, and watched as it began to tremble. She glanced at it quickly, before staring off into the distance.
She didn't cover it.
She didn't comfort me.
She didn't speak for the rest of our time there.
We said goodbye earlier than expected. It was awkward, not just for us, but for everyone.
I kept my hand on her leg on the drive home. It hadn't stopped trembling. She kept quiet, eyes fixed on the road in front of her.
I spoke first. "You obviously didn't see it, but I pushed her away as soon as—"
"I don't care about that," she cut in. She sounded sad, and tired. Maybe she was tired of me fucking up.
"Then what's wrong? Will you please talk to me?"
"If you don't know—"
"No. I'm sorry, but don't pull that, if you don't know then I shouldn't have to tell you shit. Obviously I don't know. You need to tell me."
She sighed, glancing at me quickly. "I don't know, Logan. It's not just about her kissing you. It's that you just let her sit there and talk about you guys like that. You didn't interrupt her; you didn't ask her to stop. Do you know how that made me feel? She was disrespecting me, and you didn't even care."
Shit.
"Why didn't you say anything?" she asked.
I got defensive. I don't know why. Maybe because I knew she was right, and I felt like an asshole. "Why didn't you say anything?"
She got louder. "Because she's your friend, Logan. Not mine."
"It's just stupid that we're arguing about this right now."
"You think my feelings are stupid?" she cried.
"That's not what I said."
"How the hell would you like it if Tyson sat in front of you and all of my friends and started talking about us, and how we used to fuck." She spat out the last word, wanting to hurt me.
It did.
I stayed silent.
"You think it would be okay if he told you about how he took my virginity? And that I had no idea what I was doing so he taught me everything, just the way he liked it? Maybe the things you like, that I do to you, are things he showed me." I felt the bile rise in my throat. I wanted to tell her to stop, but she kept talking. "You'd want to sit there and listen to how he used to sneak into my room at night so we could have sex? Or the times out in his car, when we had nowhere else to go? Or how about the first time we made each other co—"
"Stop!" It came out more forcefully than I’d intended, but I felt sick. Legit, sick to my stomach. I wanted to puke. "I get it, okay? Enough."
"You get it?" She laughed once. That bitter fucking laugh I hated so much. But it was different this time—quieter—as if she were still lost in her own thoughts. "That's not the point, Logan. The point is that I would never let him talk about that stuff. Not in front of our friends, and definitely not in front of you. And you know why?" It wasn't a question. "Because I respect you, and I respect us. And you—you didn't. You just let it happen. And then you left me sitting there, feeling disrespected and pathetic, while you walked her out of the house to make sure she was okay." She took a few calming breaths. "I hope she was okay, because I wasn't."
