What did I have to lose?
She clapped giddily. “Yay!”
“What do I wear?”
“Don’t worry about that. I have tons of clothes at my apartment. I’ll bring the measurements for the drapes and pick you up.”
“Okay, see you at eight on Friday.”
What the hell just happened?
***
God, I loved being drunk.
Charisma turned out to be a bad influence in more ways than one. At the time, though, I thought meeting her was the best thing to ever happen to me because it had gotten me out of my funk.
We started hanging out a few times a week. Her family’s apartment wasn’t too far from the fabric store, so I would walk over after work and sometimes spend the night. The doorman got to know me and would let me go right up. Her parents were vacationing in Fiji that summer, so she had the whole place to herself. The décor was modern, lots of white with sleek geometric furniture.
There was a small bar in the corner of the living room, and Charisma would make me whatever mixed drink I wanted. SoCo and Sours and Cosmos were my favorites.
For the first time in my life, I actually understood the hype. Getting hammered helped to momentarily ease the pain. Nothing else had been able to do that. With each drink, the bad stuff faded away, replaced by a euphoric fogginess. While blissfully intoxicated, I’d also tell Charisma all of my secrets, including the real reason I had broken up with Mitch. She wasn’t able to provide much insight, but it was good therapy just to get it all off my chest to someone impartial.
She introduced me to some of the friends she grew up with, and they’d often join us for our cocktail hours. Also in the group was Charisma’s cousin, Chad. He was tall, blonde, preppy and had teeth that shined like the top of the Chrysler building. He was home from Harvard for the summer.
Whether it was the way he looked at me or the subtle brushing of his hand on my knee, Chad always made it clear he was interested. Charisma had been trying to get me to give him a chance. He was attractive and nice enough, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to date. She told me he never had serious girlfriends, so I knew that meant he just wanted to “hook up.”
A part of me knew it was time to lose my virginity. I was the last person I knew who was still a virgin. A bigger part felt a deep sadness at the thought since my first time was always supposed to belong to Mitch. He was truly the only guy I wanted, and if I was going to lose my virginity now, it probably didn’t even matter whom it was with; all other guys were interchangeable.
Charisma was pouring Midori into the glass for my drink. “You need a good f**k to get you over that Mitch dude, Skylar.”
Tonight, we were scheduled to go to Club Nicole downtown with Chad and a few girls in Charisma’s circle.
Chad walked in with his usual fitted sweater smelling like the woodsy cologne he always wore. “Skylar, I wanna see how you dance tonight.”
I was already starting to get buzzed. “A few more of these, and you might just get your wish, Harvard punk.”
Charisma handed me another drink. “Doesn’t Skylar look pretty tonight?”
“She always looks pretty. In fact, pretty isn’t a strong enough word for her.”
Charisma winked at me. “Should I be leaving the room now?”
I said nothing and continued to sip my drink. She was totally pushing the Chad thing. Maybe I’d give him a chance.
***
After a long wait in line in front of the club, a large bouncer that looked like the Rock let us in. Chad clasped hands with him, confirming my suspicions that despite his Ivy League status, he was also a well-known party boy. I let out a sigh of relief because it was the first time we’d successfully used the fake i.d.s that Charisma scored downtown.
The humidity outside was replaced by a blast of cold air-conditioning that made my ni**les harden. My ears felt like they were going to explode from the loud techno music.
Chad disappeared then returned with a beer for him and a Tom Collins for me. There were girls dancing in cages, and people would dance around them on the sides of these raised platforms. I downed my drink and suddenly felt like I wanted to join them. As if on cue, Charisma pulled me up there, and the two of us, drunk off our asses, started to grind on each other. We caught the attention of a group of men dancing nearby. I normally wouldn’t have been caught dead dancing around a cage with some random guy rubbing his balls up against me. At the time, though, and under the influence, it felt totally normal.
Chad whistled at us. When the music switched, he gave me his hand and helped me down.
“That was fun!” Charisma said as she danced away through the artificial smoke toward the bar where the other girls were waiting.
Chad’s breath was warm and smelled like beer when he spoke into my ear. “You wanna go upstairs?”
“What’s upstairs?”
“It’s the VIP area.”
I looked up at the balcony, and it seemed dark with a hint of purple lighting. I could only make out shadows of movement up there.
“Sure,” I said, suddenly feeling anxious.
“Let’s get another round before we go,” he said.
Chad returned with our drinks and reached out his hand for me to follow him up the black-carpeted stairs. The music became more distant with each step. A guard stood at the top. “Hello, Mr. Carter.”
“Hey, Hollis.”
“Why did he call you, Mr. Carter?” I asked as we sat down on one of the purple velour couches.
He smirked. “Because my parents own this club.”
“What?”
“My family actually owns three of the nightclubs on this street.”
I knew he was loaded but Jeez…
“Wow. That’s really cool.”
“I think so.” He took my drink and placed it on a table. “See that door back there?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a private room. The walls and floor are made of glass that overlooks the dance floor downstairs, but nobody can see up into it.” He lowered his voice. “We can do whatever we want on top of everyone, and no one will know. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
I thought about it for a good thirty seconds because I knew what he was really asking me. “Sure.” Even in my drunken state, I was fully aware of what was about to happen. The hairs on my arms stiffened as he took my hand.
Inside the room, the sound of the music seemed distant, but the beat of the bass was more pronounced.
He shut the door, and I heard the lock click. My heart started to pound as he said, “Stand in front of the wall. Enjoy the view.” He came up from behind me and kissed my neck. “I’m enjoying this view.” He ran his fingertips down my arm. “You have an incredible body. Have you ever been a dancer?”
I stiffened and shook my head. “No.”
The contact felt good, but not in a comfortable way. My body responded, but this felt foreign, not like it had been with Mitch. My heart and mind weren’t in it. Nerves replaced the intense passion I always experienced before. Still, I needed to grow up and wasn’t going to resist anything if he tried. I needed this. Mitch was moving on, and I needed to see if another guy could help me to do the same.
The beat of the music vibrated through my tense body as Chad continued to kiss my neck then began to suck on it.
“I’m gonna make you so feel good, Skylar. I’ve wanted you for so long.”
I closed my eyes, trying to push away my conscience as Chad slowly unzipped my dress and let it fall to the floor. He turned me around and plastered my body against the glass wall.
“Are you sure they can’t see?”
“It’s one-sided. Don’t worry.”
I focused on a black chrome chandelier dripping with crystals as he slowly pulled down my underwear.
There’s still time to change your mind.
“I bet you’ve never done it like this before…on top of hundreds of people.”
Should I tell him I’m a virgin?
“Definitely not. Not…like this.”
He unhooked my bra and began sucking on my breasts. Everything was happening so fast, but in a way, that was how I wanted it. I didn’t want to feel it. I just wanted it over with as if my virginity were the last piece of Mitch I needed to let go of in order to move on.
I closed my eyes again and heard the zipper lower on his pants.
He stopped kissing me. When I opened my eyes, he reached into his back pocket. The condom wrapper crinkled as he ripped it open with his teeth. I looked down and watched as he slipped it on then squeezed the tip. I couldn’t help but notice how much smaller he was than Mitch.
Chad didn’t waste any time. Within seconds, he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around him. I immediately felt the burn as he tried to enter me while Lady Gaga’s Do What You Want played on the lower level.
How ironic.
“Ow. Slow down,” I said.
“I’m hurting you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…sorry, baby.”
Don’t call me baby.
I inhaled slowly and decided I was going to do whatever it took to withstand the pain. When he pushed inside me again, I whimpered but breathed though it as my back hit the wall.
“You’re so tight,” he said as his dick thrust harder again into my burning vagina.
I was pretty sure he mistook my heavy breathing for a good thing as he continued to f**k me slowly. When he gradually broke through my hymen, he began to pound into me faster.
As the pain between my legs subsided a little, the realization of what was happening started to sink in. My eyes were closed, and all I could see was Mitch’s face. The burning between my legs paled in comparison to the image of his blue eyes burning into my soul in that moment. It should have been him. Tears came pouring out of my eyes as Chad’s movements became more pronounced. A few minutes later, he said, “I’m about to come.”
I sniffled and lied. “Me, too.”
As he moaned, I tightened my eyes to rid them of the tears.
When the movements stopped, he slowly pulled out of me and looked down. “Fuck.”
“What?”
“There’s blood everywhere.”
When I lowered my head, I saw red all over his khaki pants, and it was also running down my leg.”
“Shit. Is that your period?”
I covered my mouth unable to fight my tears and shook my head.
He ran his hand through his hair. “You…don’t tell me you were a virgin?”
My voice trembled. “Yes.”
He seemed angry, like I had tricked him somehow. “Shit. I wouldn’t have done this if I knew that. How the f**k am I supposed to go out there covered in blood?”
My own blood was boiling at the insensitive audacity of his question. “I don’t know…I—”
He left the room abruptly then came back with a small white towel from the bar, and I used it to wipe my leg down.
He grabbed my hand. “Come on. Let’s sneak out the side door.” He practically dragged me downstairs and out the side entrance into an abandoned alley. Through the night fog, we walked in silence on gravel to the street where he hailed a cab.
Chad said nothing to me on the ride back to Charisma’s apartment. I stared vacantly out the window, still shell-shocked at his Jekyll and Hyde behavior.
When the vehicle stopped, he walked me to the front door and hugged me awkwardly before getting back in the cab, which sped off.
I was speechless, feeling empty. Used.
The doorman let me in, and I took the elevator up in a daze, still feeling like a fire had been put out in my vagina. Once upstairs, I realized Charisma was still at the club. All of my stuff was locked inside her apartment because I was spending the night.
I banged the back of my head against her locked door and slid my body down to rest on the floor of the hallway. I took out my phone and sifted through to the pictures of Mitch and me from Lake George. This was the first time I had allowed myself to look at one single photo of him since I wrote that dreaded email. Seeing his face and the eyes that always reflected a love for me within them made me yearn for him. I clutched the phone to my heart and cried. What happened with Chad did nothing to help me move past my feelings. If anything, it reiterated how indestructible my love for Mitch was. Being with another man had only made me long for him more.
An hour later, the elevator doors slid open, and Charisma came from around the corner. “Hey, girl. What happened? I thought you were with Chad.”
I was still on the ground. “Yeah…about that. Your cousin’s an asshole.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
She opened the apartment door. “You want a drink?”
“No…please. That’s how I got into trouble tonight in the first place. I’m done with the drinking. And as for your cousin—if you really want to know—he took off in a cab with my virginity after kicking me to the curb. Apparently, you don’t need a soul to get into Harvard.”
That summer with Charisma was a learning experience. Between losing my virginity and discovering that alcohol was not my friend, I also realized that it was impossible to move on without your heart. Mitch was my heart. My feelings would all come to a head at Jake and Nina’s engagement party.
***
The following November, Jake and Nina had finally set a date for their long-awaited wedding. They had gotten engaged after A.J. was born, but finances were tight, so they waited a couple of years to make wedding plans.
As Nina’s maid of honor, I had to travel to Boston to be there for the celebration held at a fancy Italian restaurant in the city’s North End. Jake’s sister, Allison and her husband, Cedric paid for the party held in a private room with a small dance floor.
She clapped giddily. “Yay!”
“What do I wear?”
“Don’t worry about that. I have tons of clothes at my apartment. I’ll bring the measurements for the drapes and pick you up.”
“Okay, see you at eight on Friday.”
What the hell just happened?
***
God, I loved being drunk.
Charisma turned out to be a bad influence in more ways than one. At the time, though, I thought meeting her was the best thing to ever happen to me because it had gotten me out of my funk.
We started hanging out a few times a week. Her family’s apartment wasn’t too far from the fabric store, so I would walk over after work and sometimes spend the night. The doorman got to know me and would let me go right up. Her parents were vacationing in Fiji that summer, so she had the whole place to herself. The décor was modern, lots of white with sleek geometric furniture.
There was a small bar in the corner of the living room, and Charisma would make me whatever mixed drink I wanted. SoCo and Sours and Cosmos were my favorites.
For the first time in my life, I actually understood the hype. Getting hammered helped to momentarily ease the pain. Nothing else had been able to do that. With each drink, the bad stuff faded away, replaced by a euphoric fogginess. While blissfully intoxicated, I’d also tell Charisma all of my secrets, including the real reason I had broken up with Mitch. She wasn’t able to provide much insight, but it was good therapy just to get it all off my chest to someone impartial.
She introduced me to some of the friends she grew up with, and they’d often join us for our cocktail hours. Also in the group was Charisma’s cousin, Chad. He was tall, blonde, preppy and had teeth that shined like the top of the Chrysler building. He was home from Harvard for the summer.
Whether it was the way he looked at me or the subtle brushing of his hand on my knee, Chad always made it clear he was interested. Charisma had been trying to get me to give him a chance. He was attractive and nice enough, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to date. She told me he never had serious girlfriends, so I knew that meant he just wanted to “hook up.”
A part of me knew it was time to lose my virginity. I was the last person I knew who was still a virgin. A bigger part felt a deep sadness at the thought since my first time was always supposed to belong to Mitch. He was truly the only guy I wanted, and if I was going to lose my virginity now, it probably didn’t even matter whom it was with; all other guys were interchangeable.
Charisma was pouring Midori into the glass for my drink. “You need a good f**k to get you over that Mitch dude, Skylar.”
Tonight, we were scheduled to go to Club Nicole downtown with Chad and a few girls in Charisma’s circle.
Chad walked in with his usual fitted sweater smelling like the woodsy cologne he always wore. “Skylar, I wanna see how you dance tonight.”
I was already starting to get buzzed. “A few more of these, and you might just get your wish, Harvard punk.”
Charisma handed me another drink. “Doesn’t Skylar look pretty tonight?”
“She always looks pretty. In fact, pretty isn’t a strong enough word for her.”
Charisma winked at me. “Should I be leaving the room now?”
I said nothing and continued to sip my drink. She was totally pushing the Chad thing. Maybe I’d give him a chance.
***
After a long wait in line in front of the club, a large bouncer that looked like the Rock let us in. Chad clasped hands with him, confirming my suspicions that despite his Ivy League status, he was also a well-known party boy. I let out a sigh of relief because it was the first time we’d successfully used the fake i.d.s that Charisma scored downtown.
The humidity outside was replaced by a blast of cold air-conditioning that made my ni**les harden. My ears felt like they were going to explode from the loud techno music.
Chad disappeared then returned with a beer for him and a Tom Collins for me. There were girls dancing in cages, and people would dance around them on the sides of these raised platforms. I downed my drink and suddenly felt like I wanted to join them. As if on cue, Charisma pulled me up there, and the two of us, drunk off our asses, started to grind on each other. We caught the attention of a group of men dancing nearby. I normally wouldn’t have been caught dead dancing around a cage with some random guy rubbing his balls up against me. At the time, though, and under the influence, it felt totally normal.
Chad whistled at us. When the music switched, he gave me his hand and helped me down.
“That was fun!” Charisma said as she danced away through the artificial smoke toward the bar where the other girls were waiting.
Chad’s breath was warm and smelled like beer when he spoke into my ear. “You wanna go upstairs?”
“What’s upstairs?”
“It’s the VIP area.”
I looked up at the balcony, and it seemed dark with a hint of purple lighting. I could only make out shadows of movement up there.
“Sure,” I said, suddenly feeling anxious.
“Let’s get another round before we go,” he said.
Chad returned with our drinks and reached out his hand for me to follow him up the black-carpeted stairs. The music became more distant with each step. A guard stood at the top. “Hello, Mr. Carter.”
“Hey, Hollis.”
“Why did he call you, Mr. Carter?” I asked as we sat down on one of the purple velour couches.
He smirked. “Because my parents own this club.”
“What?”
“My family actually owns three of the nightclubs on this street.”
I knew he was loaded but Jeez…
“Wow. That’s really cool.”
“I think so.” He took my drink and placed it on a table. “See that door back there?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a private room. The walls and floor are made of glass that overlooks the dance floor downstairs, but nobody can see up into it.” He lowered his voice. “We can do whatever we want on top of everyone, and no one will know. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
I thought about it for a good thirty seconds because I knew what he was really asking me. “Sure.” Even in my drunken state, I was fully aware of what was about to happen. The hairs on my arms stiffened as he took my hand.
Inside the room, the sound of the music seemed distant, but the beat of the bass was more pronounced.
He shut the door, and I heard the lock click. My heart started to pound as he said, “Stand in front of the wall. Enjoy the view.” He came up from behind me and kissed my neck. “I’m enjoying this view.” He ran his fingertips down my arm. “You have an incredible body. Have you ever been a dancer?”
I stiffened and shook my head. “No.”
The contact felt good, but not in a comfortable way. My body responded, but this felt foreign, not like it had been with Mitch. My heart and mind weren’t in it. Nerves replaced the intense passion I always experienced before. Still, I needed to grow up and wasn’t going to resist anything if he tried. I needed this. Mitch was moving on, and I needed to see if another guy could help me to do the same.
The beat of the music vibrated through my tense body as Chad continued to kiss my neck then began to suck on it.
“I’m gonna make you so feel good, Skylar. I’ve wanted you for so long.”
I closed my eyes, trying to push away my conscience as Chad slowly unzipped my dress and let it fall to the floor. He turned me around and plastered my body against the glass wall.
“Are you sure they can’t see?”
“It’s one-sided. Don’t worry.”
I focused on a black chrome chandelier dripping with crystals as he slowly pulled down my underwear.
There’s still time to change your mind.
“I bet you’ve never done it like this before…on top of hundreds of people.”
Should I tell him I’m a virgin?
“Definitely not. Not…like this.”
He unhooked my bra and began sucking on my breasts. Everything was happening so fast, but in a way, that was how I wanted it. I didn’t want to feel it. I just wanted it over with as if my virginity were the last piece of Mitch I needed to let go of in order to move on.
I closed my eyes again and heard the zipper lower on his pants.
He stopped kissing me. When I opened my eyes, he reached into his back pocket. The condom wrapper crinkled as he ripped it open with his teeth. I looked down and watched as he slipped it on then squeezed the tip. I couldn’t help but notice how much smaller he was than Mitch.
Chad didn’t waste any time. Within seconds, he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around him. I immediately felt the burn as he tried to enter me while Lady Gaga’s Do What You Want played on the lower level.
How ironic.
“Ow. Slow down,” I said.
“I’m hurting you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…sorry, baby.”
Don’t call me baby.
I inhaled slowly and decided I was going to do whatever it took to withstand the pain. When he pushed inside me again, I whimpered but breathed though it as my back hit the wall.
“You’re so tight,” he said as his dick thrust harder again into my burning vagina.
I was pretty sure he mistook my heavy breathing for a good thing as he continued to f**k me slowly. When he gradually broke through my hymen, he began to pound into me faster.
As the pain between my legs subsided a little, the realization of what was happening started to sink in. My eyes were closed, and all I could see was Mitch’s face. The burning between my legs paled in comparison to the image of his blue eyes burning into my soul in that moment. It should have been him. Tears came pouring out of my eyes as Chad’s movements became more pronounced. A few minutes later, he said, “I’m about to come.”
I sniffled and lied. “Me, too.”
As he moaned, I tightened my eyes to rid them of the tears.
When the movements stopped, he slowly pulled out of me and looked down. “Fuck.”
“What?”
“There’s blood everywhere.”
When I lowered my head, I saw red all over his khaki pants, and it was also running down my leg.”
“Shit. Is that your period?”
I covered my mouth unable to fight my tears and shook my head.
He ran his hand through his hair. “You…don’t tell me you were a virgin?”
My voice trembled. “Yes.”
He seemed angry, like I had tricked him somehow. “Shit. I wouldn’t have done this if I knew that. How the f**k am I supposed to go out there covered in blood?”
My own blood was boiling at the insensitive audacity of his question. “I don’t know…I—”
He left the room abruptly then came back with a small white towel from the bar, and I used it to wipe my leg down.
He grabbed my hand. “Come on. Let’s sneak out the side door.” He practically dragged me downstairs and out the side entrance into an abandoned alley. Through the night fog, we walked in silence on gravel to the street where he hailed a cab.
Chad said nothing to me on the ride back to Charisma’s apartment. I stared vacantly out the window, still shell-shocked at his Jekyll and Hyde behavior.
When the vehicle stopped, he walked me to the front door and hugged me awkwardly before getting back in the cab, which sped off.
I was speechless, feeling empty. Used.
The doorman let me in, and I took the elevator up in a daze, still feeling like a fire had been put out in my vagina. Once upstairs, I realized Charisma was still at the club. All of my stuff was locked inside her apartment because I was spending the night.
I banged the back of my head against her locked door and slid my body down to rest on the floor of the hallway. I took out my phone and sifted through to the pictures of Mitch and me from Lake George. This was the first time I had allowed myself to look at one single photo of him since I wrote that dreaded email. Seeing his face and the eyes that always reflected a love for me within them made me yearn for him. I clutched the phone to my heart and cried. What happened with Chad did nothing to help me move past my feelings. If anything, it reiterated how indestructible my love for Mitch was. Being with another man had only made me long for him more.
An hour later, the elevator doors slid open, and Charisma came from around the corner. “Hey, girl. What happened? I thought you were with Chad.”
I was still on the ground. “Yeah…about that. Your cousin’s an asshole.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
She opened the apartment door. “You want a drink?”
“No…please. That’s how I got into trouble tonight in the first place. I’m done with the drinking. And as for your cousin—if you really want to know—he took off in a cab with my virginity after kicking me to the curb. Apparently, you don’t need a soul to get into Harvard.”
That summer with Charisma was a learning experience. Between losing my virginity and discovering that alcohol was not my friend, I also realized that it was impossible to move on without your heart. Mitch was my heart. My feelings would all come to a head at Jake and Nina’s engagement party.
***
The following November, Jake and Nina had finally set a date for their long-awaited wedding. They had gotten engaged after A.J. was born, but finances were tight, so they waited a couple of years to make wedding plans.
As Nina’s maid of honor, I had to travel to Boston to be there for the celebration held at a fancy Italian restaurant in the city’s North End. Jake’s sister, Allison and her husband, Cedric paid for the party held in a private room with a small dance floor.
