He hummed in reaction to my voice. Even though he couldn’t respond to me in words, I truly believed he understood everything I was saying.
“I’ll be home in a couple of days, okay? Be good for Grammy.”
I could hear the computer-generated voice from the iPad. “I want to go to McDonald’s.”
I laughed. “Daddy will take you to McDonald’s this weekend when I get back, okay? We’ll go Sunday. I promise.”
“I want Daddy.”
“I know. I love you, buddy. I’ll be home soon.”
My mother came back to the phone. “He misses you. He keeps pulling up the picture of your face and pressing it.”
“It f**king breaks my heart. I hate that he can’t tell me whether he understands that I’m coming back.”
“Don’t worry about things here, okay? You deserve this break.”
“Thank you, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
I missed my son, and I was feeling down on the drive into work. The phone call home had brought me back to reality. With only two days left, I was becoming more pessimistic that things would work out in my favor. Skylar was a good person. She wasn’t going to do this guy dirty and dump him after a few days with me even if she loved me. She’d go home, probably still unsure then get sucked in again to the perfect, safe life he built for her. This trip would be a mere memory. She’d leave me and my baggage behind and take off to California for a new start.
When I walked into the house, Skylar was directing one of the guys as to where to hang a picture of a giant bass.
She stopped mid-sentence, and her eyes widened when she noticed me. “Hey.”
I waved and silently walked right past her.
I was stewing while unloading my tools to finish off the electrical work in the upstairs bathroom. I could still smell her perfume while my head became lost in a sea of doubt. We belonged together. It just seemed so clear to me, but I couldn’t force it. If she was intent on ending up with the safer choice, the one who never caused her any pain, there was nothing I could do. Fuck history. Fuck love. Fuck fate. Fuck happiness. Fuck mind-blowing sex. Fuck it all.
About ten minutes had passed when she appeared at the door then came in and shut it. “You forgot what I said.”
The sound of her sweet voice alone immediately weakened my new supposed stance.
I put down my pliers and tried not to look at her. “What?”
“You’re pretending I don’t exist because you’re scared. It’s exactly what you used to do when we were teenagers. Remember how you would avoid me when you started to have feelings? You’re doing that right now. Back then, I told you I didn’t want to lose moments with you just because you were afraid. I made a promise, though, that I couldn’t keep. I told you that if we screwed up, no matter what, you wouldn’t lose me. I told you I would always be there, and I wasn’t. When things got worse than either of us could have imagined, I ran. I lied to you, and I’m sorry.” Her eyes started to glisten as she continued, “But we have two days left here. Again, I’m telling you I don’t want to lose one moment with you. I realize I haven’t given you any answers, but just know, I need every second of this time with you like my life depends on it.”
Me, too. Fuck. I needed that too.
I had no resolve. I pulled her into a hug that lasted for at least a full minute. Her hair was practically in my mouth. I was breathing into her neck while my helpless dick swelled. I knew I had to stick this out. I’d be gambling with my heart because even a small chance of winning her love and trust was impossible to pass up.
That night, we watched old nineties movies back at the beach house and talked until all hours. There was no touching. I went back to my hotel, tossing and turning, knowing that the next night would be our last at the house on Sandbridge Beach. What really kept me up, though, was the fear that it would be our last night together period.
***
Friday had finally arrived, and all of the work at the house was completed. The unveiling was set for tomorrow morning.
Skylar spent the afternoon putting the finishing decorative touches on all of the rooms. She had picked a nautical theme with lots of blue and white, along with images of anchors, boats and the ocean. An actual oar hung on the wall. She laid throw pillows down, put out candles, silk flowers and seashells. Her skills were seriously impressive. She also managed to keep us 500-dollars under budget.
The last thing on my agenda was surveying the site along with the building inspector, making sure everything was up to code.
Skylar and I were able to make it back to the rental house in good time for our last night in Virginia Beach. The only other obligation we had was to show up for the big reveal tomorrow morning. Then, she would head to the airport in the early afternoon, and I would begin the long drive back to New Jersey alone.
Skylar said she wasn’t hungry, so we had a small meal of appetizers at a local fried seafood shack. The mood was tense and somber like the cloudy weather outside tonight. Even though I felt like I knew where her heart was, I had no idea where her head was. Her expression had been stoic throughout dinner.
When we returned to the beach house, Skylar looked like she wanted to say something the second we walked in the door. She put her purse down and chewed her lip nervously. “I want you to spend the night here in the spare room. Will you?”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
There was no way I trusted myself.
“You paid for this house. I want you to enjoy it for at least one night. The second room overlooks the ocean, too. There’s nothing like waking up to that view and smelling the salty air. I’ve felt guilty this whole time. We’re both adults. There’s no reason why you can’t stay here for our last night.”
“If that’s what makes you happy, I’ll stay.” I had no idea what was going to really happen tonight. My heart started to beat rapidly. I smiled. She smiled back.
Her phone rang, interrupting our moment. She looked unsettled, and I immediately knew who it was. In the past, I walked away when she took his call. Tonight was different. I stayed looking at her the entire time she spoke to him, my heart mangled.
She picked it up. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Yes, everything’s still on target. We finished up today.”
“Ugh…you know…just watching TV…relaxing.”
Fucking around with my ex. Same thing.
“Yup.”
“I’ll call you when I land. I can just catch a cab.”
“If you insist…”
“Me, too.”
There was a long pause.
“You know I do.”
Then, a longer pause. Her eyeballs were frantically moving back and forth.
“Kevin…”
Her breathing was rapid, and her face turned red as a beet. What was he saying to her?
Her gaze fell on mine. “I love you,” she finally said to him.
She immediately closed her eyes in shame and hung up the phone.
She might as well have shot me at point blank range.
My eyes bugged out of my head. “What the f**k was that?”
“It wasn’t what it seemed.”
“You…just told him…you loved him and were looking straight at me. You just said ‘I love you’ to another man while looking into my eyes as if you were saying it to me.” I yelled, “Do you know what a mind f**k that is?”
Skylar was shaking. “He made me say it. If I hadn’t, he would have suspected something. I’m pretty sure he already knows something’s up with me.”
Wow.
I looked down at the floor, rubbing my chin and just knew. This was it. I’d reached the end of my rope.
I looked deeply into her eyes because she needed to understand what I was about to say. “From the moment you came into my life all those years ago, you made me feel like I had a purpose on this Earth. Over time, I discovered what it was. It was to love you. I don’t know who I am without you. I’m Henry’s dad. But Mitch…Mitch is lost. I feel stuck in a time warp, like I’m still that teenager waiting to make love to his girlfriend over Christmas break. Everything changed in a flash. Physically, I became a grown man, but inside, I’m still that lost boy waiting for you to come back. I think I finally just realized that’s never going to happen.”
Tears fell from her eyes. “Mitch…”
“Do you know how painful it is to love someone so f**king much that you’d die for them, yet they don’t even feel safe with you? Go on and marry him. Have your perfect life on your perfect street with your perfect man…and see my face every night when he’s f**king you. I’m DONE.” I couldn’t look at her as I headed straight for the door. “Goodbye, Skylar.”
She didn’t even bother to follow me out this time.
CHAPTER 28
SKYLAR
My entire body was shaking as I fell to the ground. I stayed in the same spot, leaning against the wall with my head in my hands unable to handle the enormity of what had just happened. I had finally managed to push him away. The pain in my chest was overpowering.
He loved me, but he could only put up with so much. How could I have told Kevin I loved him while looking straight into Mitch’s eyes?
Kevin suspected something. He was acting uncharacteristically insecure on the phone and kept hounding me to say those three words. I didn’t know what to do because if I didn’t say them, he’d demand an explanation. He would have kept me on the phone all night, and I didn’t want to ruin my last hours alone with Mitch. But that was exactly what happened anyway. I thought I could sweep it under the rug after, but the hurt was beyond repair.
Letting him leave was cowardly. All of the things I wanted to say to him were at the tip of my tongue, but none would come out.
I should’ve been relieved, right? Wasn’t that what I had been looking for…someone to make the decision for me? Mitch giving up the fight now meant I could walk off into the sunset with Kevin sans temptation.
So, why did I feel like my life was over?
My eyelids shut tight as the wind shook the windows on the French doors. It was starting to rain outside. I prayed to God to take this immeasurable pain away. The thought of taking a second chance on Mitch had always scared me, but nothing compared to how scared I was now that I’d pushed him away.
Love can’t exist without fear.
The thought had come out of nowhere, almost as if a spirit guide had whispered it in my ear. Where had I heard that before?
I wracked my brain and remembered the conversation Jake and I had years ago at the engagement party right before the nightmare with Charisma happened.
“If the thought of losing someone doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then it’s not love.”
Throughout all of this, not once had I been scared to lose Kevin. I was scared to hurt him but never scared to live without him. It finally became crystal clear to me. Kevin took care of me and made me feel safe. I cared about him, but there was no fear. It wasn’t love. I couldn’t marry someone I wasn’t in love with.
On the other hand, the thought of living without Mitch made me physically ill. It terrified me. The agony in my chest worsened. Mitch left tonight thinking I didn’t love him when that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
He needed to come back. I reached for my phone and dialed his number, but it went to voicemail. I called the hotel. He should have been there by now. The front desk connected me to his room, but there was no answer.
My heart started racing. The roads were probably slick. What if he got into an accident because he was upset? What if something happened to him, and he never knew how much he meant to me?
I grabbed my keys in a panic. When I ran out the door, the wind blew sand in my eyes. As I was about to get into the car, I noticed a silhouette in the distance by the shoreline.
It was a strong, muscular, beautiful silhouette of a man with his hands in his pockets, staring out at the ocean with the wind blowing through his hair.
Mitch.
Drizzle hit my face as I ran through the damp sand, stopping a few feet away from him.
I was out of breath. “You came back.”
He turned around. “I never left…not for a second.”
I knew he meant that literally and figuratively. He’d always been waiting for me to come back to him.
I walked slowly toward him.
“Don’t come near me,” he said.
I ignored him and put my hands on his face. His eyes were dark, empty, devoid of all life.
I started to cry. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for putting you through that. It should have never happened. I don’t love him, Mitch. I realize that now.”
He took my hands off his face and held them in a firm grip. “Look into my eyes. What do you see when you look at me? Can you even f**king see me anymore? It’s still me. Please tell me you still see who I am.”
In that moment, I chose to set aside my fears and truly saw him for the first time since coming home.
My Mitch.
The boy. The teenager. The man. His eyes were the one constant and the window into the soul of all three. I’d loved them all equally.
I sniffled. “Yes. I see you. I see you, and I love you.”
“Don’t f**k with me, Skylar. I was mourning you out here, like it was the f**king burial of our relationship. Then, you come out of nowhere telling me you love me. What changed?”
“I chose to let go of the fear and saw the love that lies beneath. It was always there. It never left.”
“You’re serious?”
I didn’t answer him. Instead, I lifted the dress off of my body and let it blow away in the wind. My br**sts were bare as I stood before him in nothing but my lace underwear.
“I’ll be home in a couple of days, okay? Be good for Grammy.”
I could hear the computer-generated voice from the iPad. “I want to go to McDonald’s.”
I laughed. “Daddy will take you to McDonald’s this weekend when I get back, okay? We’ll go Sunday. I promise.”
“I want Daddy.”
“I know. I love you, buddy. I’ll be home soon.”
My mother came back to the phone. “He misses you. He keeps pulling up the picture of your face and pressing it.”
“It f**king breaks my heart. I hate that he can’t tell me whether he understands that I’m coming back.”
“Don’t worry about things here, okay? You deserve this break.”
“Thank you, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
I missed my son, and I was feeling down on the drive into work. The phone call home had brought me back to reality. With only two days left, I was becoming more pessimistic that things would work out in my favor. Skylar was a good person. She wasn’t going to do this guy dirty and dump him after a few days with me even if she loved me. She’d go home, probably still unsure then get sucked in again to the perfect, safe life he built for her. This trip would be a mere memory. She’d leave me and my baggage behind and take off to California for a new start.
When I walked into the house, Skylar was directing one of the guys as to where to hang a picture of a giant bass.
She stopped mid-sentence, and her eyes widened when she noticed me. “Hey.”
I waved and silently walked right past her.
I was stewing while unloading my tools to finish off the electrical work in the upstairs bathroom. I could still smell her perfume while my head became lost in a sea of doubt. We belonged together. It just seemed so clear to me, but I couldn’t force it. If she was intent on ending up with the safer choice, the one who never caused her any pain, there was nothing I could do. Fuck history. Fuck love. Fuck fate. Fuck happiness. Fuck mind-blowing sex. Fuck it all.
About ten minutes had passed when she appeared at the door then came in and shut it. “You forgot what I said.”
The sound of her sweet voice alone immediately weakened my new supposed stance.
I put down my pliers and tried not to look at her. “What?”
“You’re pretending I don’t exist because you’re scared. It’s exactly what you used to do when we were teenagers. Remember how you would avoid me when you started to have feelings? You’re doing that right now. Back then, I told you I didn’t want to lose moments with you just because you were afraid. I made a promise, though, that I couldn’t keep. I told you that if we screwed up, no matter what, you wouldn’t lose me. I told you I would always be there, and I wasn’t. When things got worse than either of us could have imagined, I ran. I lied to you, and I’m sorry.” Her eyes started to glisten as she continued, “But we have two days left here. Again, I’m telling you I don’t want to lose one moment with you. I realize I haven’t given you any answers, but just know, I need every second of this time with you like my life depends on it.”
Me, too. Fuck. I needed that too.
I had no resolve. I pulled her into a hug that lasted for at least a full minute. Her hair was practically in my mouth. I was breathing into her neck while my helpless dick swelled. I knew I had to stick this out. I’d be gambling with my heart because even a small chance of winning her love and trust was impossible to pass up.
That night, we watched old nineties movies back at the beach house and talked until all hours. There was no touching. I went back to my hotel, tossing and turning, knowing that the next night would be our last at the house on Sandbridge Beach. What really kept me up, though, was the fear that it would be our last night together period.
***
Friday had finally arrived, and all of the work at the house was completed. The unveiling was set for tomorrow morning.
Skylar spent the afternoon putting the finishing decorative touches on all of the rooms. She had picked a nautical theme with lots of blue and white, along with images of anchors, boats and the ocean. An actual oar hung on the wall. She laid throw pillows down, put out candles, silk flowers and seashells. Her skills were seriously impressive. She also managed to keep us 500-dollars under budget.
The last thing on my agenda was surveying the site along with the building inspector, making sure everything was up to code.
Skylar and I were able to make it back to the rental house in good time for our last night in Virginia Beach. The only other obligation we had was to show up for the big reveal tomorrow morning. Then, she would head to the airport in the early afternoon, and I would begin the long drive back to New Jersey alone.
Skylar said she wasn’t hungry, so we had a small meal of appetizers at a local fried seafood shack. The mood was tense and somber like the cloudy weather outside tonight. Even though I felt like I knew where her heart was, I had no idea where her head was. Her expression had been stoic throughout dinner.
When we returned to the beach house, Skylar looked like she wanted to say something the second we walked in the door. She put her purse down and chewed her lip nervously. “I want you to spend the night here in the spare room. Will you?”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
There was no way I trusted myself.
“You paid for this house. I want you to enjoy it for at least one night. The second room overlooks the ocean, too. There’s nothing like waking up to that view and smelling the salty air. I’ve felt guilty this whole time. We’re both adults. There’s no reason why you can’t stay here for our last night.”
“If that’s what makes you happy, I’ll stay.” I had no idea what was going to really happen tonight. My heart started to beat rapidly. I smiled. She smiled back.
Her phone rang, interrupting our moment. She looked unsettled, and I immediately knew who it was. In the past, I walked away when she took his call. Tonight was different. I stayed looking at her the entire time she spoke to him, my heart mangled.
She picked it up. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Yes, everything’s still on target. We finished up today.”
“Ugh…you know…just watching TV…relaxing.”
Fucking around with my ex. Same thing.
“Yup.”
“I’ll call you when I land. I can just catch a cab.”
“If you insist…”
“Me, too.”
There was a long pause.
“You know I do.”
Then, a longer pause. Her eyeballs were frantically moving back and forth.
“Kevin…”
Her breathing was rapid, and her face turned red as a beet. What was he saying to her?
Her gaze fell on mine. “I love you,” she finally said to him.
She immediately closed her eyes in shame and hung up the phone.
She might as well have shot me at point blank range.
My eyes bugged out of my head. “What the f**k was that?”
“It wasn’t what it seemed.”
“You…just told him…you loved him and were looking straight at me. You just said ‘I love you’ to another man while looking into my eyes as if you were saying it to me.” I yelled, “Do you know what a mind f**k that is?”
Skylar was shaking. “He made me say it. If I hadn’t, he would have suspected something. I’m pretty sure he already knows something’s up with me.”
Wow.
I looked down at the floor, rubbing my chin and just knew. This was it. I’d reached the end of my rope.
I looked deeply into her eyes because she needed to understand what I was about to say. “From the moment you came into my life all those years ago, you made me feel like I had a purpose on this Earth. Over time, I discovered what it was. It was to love you. I don’t know who I am without you. I’m Henry’s dad. But Mitch…Mitch is lost. I feel stuck in a time warp, like I’m still that teenager waiting to make love to his girlfriend over Christmas break. Everything changed in a flash. Physically, I became a grown man, but inside, I’m still that lost boy waiting for you to come back. I think I finally just realized that’s never going to happen.”
Tears fell from her eyes. “Mitch…”
“Do you know how painful it is to love someone so f**king much that you’d die for them, yet they don’t even feel safe with you? Go on and marry him. Have your perfect life on your perfect street with your perfect man…and see my face every night when he’s f**king you. I’m DONE.” I couldn’t look at her as I headed straight for the door. “Goodbye, Skylar.”
She didn’t even bother to follow me out this time.
CHAPTER 28
SKYLAR
My entire body was shaking as I fell to the ground. I stayed in the same spot, leaning against the wall with my head in my hands unable to handle the enormity of what had just happened. I had finally managed to push him away. The pain in my chest was overpowering.
He loved me, but he could only put up with so much. How could I have told Kevin I loved him while looking straight into Mitch’s eyes?
Kevin suspected something. He was acting uncharacteristically insecure on the phone and kept hounding me to say those three words. I didn’t know what to do because if I didn’t say them, he’d demand an explanation. He would have kept me on the phone all night, and I didn’t want to ruin my last hours alone with Mitch. But that was exactly what happened anyway. I thought I could sweep it under the rug after, but the hurt was beyond repair.
Letting him leave was cowardly. All of the things I wanted to say to him were at the tip of my tongue, but none would come out.
I should’ve been relieved, right? Wasn’t that what I had been looking for…someone to make the decision for me? Mitch giving up the fight now meant I could walk off into the sunset with Kevin sans temptation.
So, why did I feel like my life was over?
My eyelids shut tight as the wind shook the windows on the French doors. It was starting to rain outside. I prayed to God to take this immeasurable pain away. The thought of taking a second chance on Mitch had always scared me, but nothing compared to how scared I was now that I’d pushed him away.
Love can’t exist without fear.
The thought had come out of nowhere, almost as if a spirit guide had whispered it in my ear. Where had I heard that before?
I wracked my brain and remembered the conversation Jake and I had years ago at the engagement party right before the nightmare with Charisma happened.
“If the thought of losing someone doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then it’s not love.”
Throughout all of this, not once had I been scared to lose Kevin. I was scared to hurt him but never scared to live without him. It finally became crystal clear to me. Kevin took care of me and made me feel safe. I cared about him, but there was no fear. It wasn’t love. I couldn’t marry someone I wasn’t in love with.
On the other hand, the thought of living without Mitch made me physically ill. It terrified me. The agony in my chest worsened. Mitch left tonight thinking I didn’t love him when that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
He needed to come back. I reached for my phone and dialed his number, but it went to voicemail. I called the hotel. He should have been there by now. The front desk connected me to his room, but there was no answer.
My heart started racing. The roads were probably slick. What if he got into an accident because he was upset? What if something happened to him, and he never knew how much he meant to me?
I grabbed my keys in a panic. When I ran out the door, the wind blew sand in my eyes. As I was about to get into the car, I noticed a silhouette in the distance by the shoreline.
It was a strong, muscular, beautiful silhouette of a man with his hands in his pockets, staring out at the ocean with the wind blowing through his hair.
Mitch.
Drizzle hit my face as I ran through the damp sand, stopping a few feet away from him.
I was out of breath. “You came back.”
He turned around. “I never left…not for a second.”
I knew he meant that literally and figuratively. He’d always been waiting for me to come back to him.
I walked slowly toward him.
“Don’t come near me,” he said.
I ignored him and put my hands on his face. His eyes were dark, empty, devoid of all life.
I started to cry. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for putting you through that. It should have never happened. I don’t love him, Mitch. I realize that now.”
He took my hands off his face and held them in a firm grip. “Look into my eyes. What do you see when you look at me? Can you even f**king see me anymore? It’s still me. Please tell me you still see who I am.”
In that moment, I chose to set aside my fears and truly saw him for the first time since coming home.
My Mitch.
The boy. The teenager. The man. His eyes were the one constant and the window into the soul of all three. I’d loved them all equally.
I sniffled. “Yes. I see you. I see you, and I love you.”
“Don’t f**k with me, Skylar. I was mourning you out here, like it was the f**king burial of our relationship. Then, you come out of nowhere telling me you love me. What changed?”
“I chose to let go of the fear and saw the love that lies beneath. It was always there. It never left.”
“You’re serious?”
I didn’t answer him. Instead, I lifted the dress off of my body and let it blow away in the wind. My br**sts were bare as I stood before him in nothing but my lace underwear.
