My Soul to Keep
Page 85
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What happened?
Your dad was at work, and I came over with a movie. You fell asleep on the couch, and I was gonna let you sleep. But then you woke up, and we startedkissing.
Thats it? I could tell that wasnt it. The thought of Avari kissing him with my mouth was revolting, but it wasnt bad enough to account for the crimson flush of shame in his cheeks.
No. You He let metouch you. He took your shirt off. I should have known it wasnt you, but I
Yeah, you should have! My head was a maelstrom of rage and humiliation, spinning fast and hard enough to make me dizzy. I pulled my jacket closed over my shirt, as if that could somehow block what hed already seen. What hed touched. But I couldnt undo it. It was done when I couldnt stop it, and he didnt stop it.
I stood, breathing too fast. Terrified by the thought that I could have been so out of control of my own body. I cant do this. It was too much.
I whirled on him, anger burning deep inside me. You cant remember what our real firsts felt like, and I wasnt even there for this one. How am I supposed to deal with that? I scrubbed both hands over my face. Im lost, Nash. What happened while I wasnt herewhat you thought you were doing with memay have been no big deal to you, but it would have been special to me. Something I was supposed to give to you, but someone else gave it to you instead, and now its ruined. And I want it back, but you cant give it back to me I blinked away more tears, struggling to cling to anger instead.
Nash stood, too, but gave me space. Kaylee, I swear I had no idea what was going on.
You didnt want to know! You saw what you wanted and took it, and it didnt occur to you that something wasnt right until I stopped, my focus narrowing on him as my stomach pitched with a sudden horrifying certainty. When did you know? Did you stop on your own? Did you figure it out, or did he tell you?
Nash dropped his gaze. His hands curled into fists, and he shoved them into his jeans pockets. We were He said something, and it wasnt your voice.
The churning in my stomach grew into full-fledged nausea. So he stopped you, probably only because cluing you in would be more fun. How far would you have gone if he hadnt? Would you have stopped at all?
Had Nash Hudson ever waited three months for anyone to give it up before? Could he even be expected to have that kind of willpower, when I wasnt saying no?
Nash read the fear on my face. Kaylee, no. I would have figured it out. He stepped forward, and I backed up until my spine hit the wall, and I had nowhere else to go. He stopped, begging me silently to listen. To try tounderstand. I know your limits. I know you. I would have figured it out. I would have stopped.
Why should I believe you? I felt used. I felt cheated and dirty, and though I knew that wasnt entirely Nashs fault, I couldnt help hating him a little bit, for letting it happen. You called me a tease. You said anyone else would have walked away already. But would you have, if I seemed willing? Youve already tried to Influence me out of my clothes.
Kaylee, thats not fair. I wasnt thinking. I was
High? I raised both brows, and he nodded miserably.
Yeah. You were. And youre rightit wasnt fair. So why should I believe you now?
Because he never fooled me again. Nash made eye contact and held it, letting me see the truth. I know you. I love you, Kaylee. I know you probably cant forgive mehell, I dont think I can forgive myselfbut I swear on my life that itll never happen again. Any of it. No more frost. No more lies. No more Influence. Please, just give me a chance to prove it. Will you give me one more chance?
I
But before I could come up with an answer, Tod appeared in the desk chair, where Id sat minutes earlier. Hey. Am I interrupting something?
Yes, Nash said. Get out.
But Tod was watching me, and I could tell from the angry line of his jaw that hed been listening long before he showed himself. Hed heard what Avari had done to me. What Nash had let him do.
You want me to go? Tod asked me, his back to his brother.
Nash implored me silently to say yes. Tod waited patiently.
No, I said, looking right at Nash. He scowled, and his shoulders sagged.
Good. Tod stood and kicked the rolling chair out of his way. I just checked on your friend in the straitjacket. But first The reaper swung before either of us realized what he intended to do.
Tods very solid fist slammed into Nashs jaw. Nashs head snapped back. He stumbled into the wall. Tod shook his hand like it hurt. Thats for what you let him do to Kaylee.
Nash shoved himself away from the wall, swinging at his brother. But his fist went right through the reapers incorporeal head, and Tod only frowned, turning back to me while his brother seethed.
I gaped at them both, surprised beyond speech.
Tod pushed the rolling chair toward me, and I sat. Nash sank onto his bed, glaring at his brother and rubbing his jaw. Hows Scott? I asked, still trying to absorb the abbreviated fistfight and avoid answering Nashs last question. Still hearing voices?
Your dad was at work, and I came over with a movie. You fell asleep on the couch, and I was gonna let you sleep. But then you woke up, and we startedkissing.
Thats it? I could tell that wasnt it. The thought of Avari kissing him with my mouth was revolting, but it wasnt bad enough to account for the crimson flush of shame in his cheeks.
No. You He let metouch you. He took your shirt off. I should have known it wasnt you, but I
Yeah, you should have! My head was a maelstrom of rage and humiliation, spinning fast and hard enough to make me dizzy. I pulled my jacket closed over my shirt, as if that could somehow block what hed already seen. What hed touched. But I couldnt undo it. It was done when I couldnt stop it, and he didnt stop it.
I stood, breathing too fast. Terrified by the thought that I could have been so out of control of my own body. I cant do this. It was too much.
I whirled on him, anger burning deep inside me. You cant remember what our real firsts felt like, and I wasnt even there for this one. How am I supposed to deal with that? I scrubbed both hands over my face. Im lost, Nash. What happened while I wasnt herewhat you thought you were doing with memay have been no big deal to you, but it would have been special to me. Something I was supposed to give to you, but someone else gave it to you instead, and now its ruined. And I want it back, but you cant give it back to me I blinked away more tears, struggling to cling to anger instead.
Nash stood, too, but gave me space. Kaylee, I swear I had no idea what was going on.
You didnt want to know! You saw what you wanted and took it, and it didnt occur to you that something wasnt right until I stopped, my focus narrowing on him as my stomach pitched with a sudden horrifying certainty. When did you know? Did you stop on your own? Did you figure it out, or did he tell you?
Nash dropped his gaze. His hands curled into fists, and he shoved them into his jeans pockets. We were He said something, and it wasnt your voice.
The churning in my stomach grew into full-fledged nausea. So he stopped you, probably only because cluing you in would be more fun. How far would you have gone if he hadnt? Would you have stopped at all?
Had Nash Hudson ever waited three months for anyone to give it up before? Could he even be expected to have that kind of willpower, when I wasnt saying no?
Nash read the fear on my face. Kaylee, no. I would have figured it out. He stepped forward, and I backed up until my spine hit the wall, and I had nowhere else to go. He stopped, begging me silently to listen. To try tounderstand. I know your limits. I know you. I would have figured it out. I would have stopped.
Why should I believe you? I felt used. I felt cheated and dirty, and though I knew that wasnt entirely Nashs fault, I couldnt help hating him a little bit, for letting it happen. You called me a tease. You said anyone else would have walked away already. But would you have, if I seemed willing? Youve already tried to Influence me out of my clothes.
Kaylee, thats not fair. I wasnt thinking. I was
High? I raised both brows, and he nodded miserably.
Yeah. You were. And youre rightit wasnt fair. So why should I believe you now?
Because he never fooled me again. Nash made eye contact and held it, letting me see the truth. I know you. I love you, Kaylee. I know you probably cant forgive mehell, I dont think I can forgive myselfbut I swear on my life that itll never happen again. Any of it. No more frost. No more lies. No more Influence. Please, just give me a chance to prove it. Will you give me one more chance?
I
But before I could come up with an answer, Tod appeared in the desk chair, where Id sat minutes earlier. Hey. Am I interrupting something?
Yes, Nash said. Get out.
But Tod was watching me, and I could tell from the angry line of his jaw that hed been listening long before he showed himself. Hed heard what Avari had done to me. What Nash had let him do.
You want me to go? Tod asked me, his back to his brother.
Nash implored me silently to say yes. Tod waited patiently.
No, I said, looking right at Nash. He scowled, and his shoulders sagged.
Good. Tod stood and kicked the rolling chair out of his way. I just checked on your friend in the straitjacket. But first The reaper swung before either of us realized what he intended to do.
Tods very solid fist slammed into Nashs jaw. Nashs head snapped back. He stumbled into the wall. Tod shook his hand like it hurt. Thats for what you let him do to Kaylee.
Nash shoved himself away from the wall, swinging at his brother. But his fist went right through the reapers incorporeal head, and Tod only frowned, turning back to me while his brother seethed.
I gaped at them both, surprised beyond speech.
Tod pushed the rolling chair toward me, and I sat. Nash sank onto his bed, glaring at his brother and rubbing his jaw. Hows Scott? I asked, still trying to absorb the abbreviated fistfight and avoid answering Nashs last question. Still hearing voices?
