My Soul to Save
Page 16
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Emma.
My best friends death had been unbearably awful, made even worse because Id known it was coming. Id seen Em wearing the death shroud for at least two minutes before she collapsed on the gym floor, surrounded by hundreds of other students and parents, gathered to mourn a dead classmate.
But I chose Emmas death to focus on because hers had a happy ending.
Okay, a bittersweet ending, but that was better than the screaming, panicking, clawing-my-way-out-of-the-Nether-fog ending most of them had. Id suspended Emmas soul above her body with my wail to keep it from the reaper whod killed her, while Nash had directed it back into her body. Emma had lived.
But someone else had died instead. That was the price, and the decision wed made. Id felt guilty about it ever since, but Id do it all over again if I had to, because I couldnt let Emma die before her time, no matter who took her place.
So two months later I sat on Nashs couch beside his mother, picturing my best friends death.
Emma, in the gym, several steps ahead. Voices buzzing around us. Nashs arm around my waist. His fingers curled over my hip. Then the death shroud.
It smeared her blond hair with thin, runny black, like a childs watercolors. Streaks smudged her clothes and her arms, and the scream built inside me. It clawed at my throat, scraping my skin raw even as I clenched my jaws shut, denying it exit.
As in memory, so in life.
The scream rose again, and my throat felt full. Hot. Bruised from the inside out.
My eyes flew open in panic, and Harmony stared calmly back at me. She smiled, a tiny upturn of full lips both of her sons had inherited. Youve got it! she whispered, eyes shining with pride. Okay, now here comes the hard part.
It gets harder?
I couldnt ask my question because once a bean sidhes wail takes over, her throat can be used for nothing else until that scream has either burst loose or been swallowed. I couldnt swallow itnot without Nashs voice to calm me, to coax my birthright into submissionand I wasnt willing to let it loose. Never again, if I could help it.
This lesson was on harnessing my wail. Making it work for me, rather than the other way around. So I nodded, telling Harmony I was ready for the hard part.
Good. I want you to keep a tight rein on it. Then let it out a little at a timelike a very slow leakwithout actually opening your mouth. Only keep the volume down. You want to just barely hear it.
Because the whole point was for me to be able to see and hear the Netherworld through my wail, without humans noticing anything weird. Like me screaming loud enough to shatter their minds. But that was easier said than done, especially considering how much time Id spent trying to hold back my wail. Evidently suppressing it completely and lettingjust a little leak through were two very different skill sets.
But I tried.
Keeping my lips sealed, I opened my throat a tiny bit, forcing my jaws to relax. Thats where the whole thing went downhill. Instead of that little leak of sound Harmony had mentioned, the entire wail ruptured from my throat, shoving my mouth open wide.
My screech filled the room. The entire house. My whole body hummed with the keening, a violent chord of discordant sounds no human could have produced. My head throbbed, my brain seeming to bounce around within my skull.
I closed my eyes. I couldnt take it.
Cold, smooth fingers brushed my arm, and I opened my eyes again to find Harmony speaking to me. The room around her had become a blur of colors and textures, thanks to my inability to focus on it. Her pretty face was twisted into a constant wince of pain from the shards of steel my scream was no doubt driving into her brain. Male bean sidhes hear a females wail as an eerie, beautiful soul song. They crave the sound, and are pulled toward it. Almost seduced by it.
Female bean sidhes hear it as it is. As humans hear it. As a titanic racket loud enough to deafen, and sharp enough to shatter not just glass, but your ever-loving sanity.
Harmony glanced at her living-room window, the glass trembling in its frame. Because we shared a gender and speciesthough I was fuzzy on exactly how the whole thing workedI could hear her words through my own screaming, but they sounded like they came from within my own head.
Calm down. Take a breath. Close your mouth.
I snapped my jaws shut, muffling the sound, but not eradicating it. It buzzed in my mouth now, rattling my teeth, and still seeped out like a moan on steroids. But I could hear her normally now.
Breathe deeply, Kaylee, Harmony soothed, rubbing my arms until goose bumps stood up beneath my sleeves. Close your eyes and draw it back in. All but that last little bit.
I let my eyelids fall, though that small effort took a lot of courage, because closing my eyes meant blocking her out and embracing my own private darkness. Being alone with the ruthless keening. With the memory of Emmas death, before Id known it would be temporary.
But I did it.
Okay, now pull it back. Deep inside you. Picture swallowing your wailforcing it down past your throat into your heart. You can set it free in there. Let it bounce around. Ricochet. The human heart is a fragile thing, all thin vessels and delicate pumps. But the bean sidhe heart is armored. It has to be, for us to survive.
I pictured my heart with iron plating. I forced my arms to relax, my hands to fall into my lap. I listened to my wail as it seeped from my throat, forcing myself to hear each inharmonic note individually. And slowly, painfully, I drew them back into myself. Forced them down into my center.
My best friends death had been unbearably awful, made even worse because Id known it was coming. Id seen Em wearing the death shroud for at least two minutes before she collapsed on the gym floor, surrounded by hundreds of other students and parents, gathered to mourn a dead classmate.
But I chose Emmas death to focus on because hers had a happy ending.
Okay, a bittersweet ending, but that was better than the screaming, panicking, clawing-my-way-out-of-the-Nether-fog ending most of them had. Id suspended Emmas soul above her body with my wail to keep it from the reaper whod killed her, while Nash had directed it back into her body. Emma had lived.
But someone else had died instead. That was the price, and the decision wed made. Id felt guilty about it ever since, but Id do it all over again if I had to, because I couldnt let Emma die before her time, no matter who took her place.
So two months later I sat on Nashs couch beside his mother, picturing my best friends death.
Emma, in the gym, several steps ahead. Voices buzzing around us. Nashs arm around my waist. His fingers curled over my hip. Then the death shroud.
It smeared her blond hair with thin, runny black, like a childs watercolors. Streaks smudged her clothes and her arms, and the scream built inside me. It clawed at my throat, scraping my skin raw even as I clenched my jaws shut, denying it exit.
As in memory, so in life.
The scream rose again, and my throat felt full. Hot. Bruised from the inside out.
My eyes flew open in panic, and Harmony stared calmly back at me. She smiled, a tiny upturn of full lips both of her sons had inherited. Youve got it! she whispered, eyes shining with pride. Okay, now here comes the hard part.
It gets harder?
I couldnt ask my question because once a bean sidhes wail takes over, her throat can be used for nothing else until that scream has either burst loose or been swallowed. I couldnt swallow itnot without Nashs voice to calm me, to coax my birthright into submissionand I wasnt willing to let it loose. Never again, if I could help it.
This lesson was on harnessing my wail. Making it work for me, rather than the other way around. So I nodded, telling Harmony I was ready for the hard part.
Good. I want you to keep a tight rein on it. Then let it out a little at a timelike a very slow leakwithout actually opening your mouth. Only keep the volume down. You want to just barely hear it.
Because the whole point was for me to be able to see and hear the Netherworld through my wail, without humans noticing anything weird. Like me screaming loud enough to shatter their minds. But that was easier said than done, especially considering how much time Id spent trying to hold back my wail. Evidently suppressing it completely and lettingjust a little leak through were two very different skill sets.
But I tried.
Keeping my lips sealed, I opened my throat a tiny bit, forcing my jaws to relax. Thats where the whole thing went downhill. Instead of that little leak of sound Harmony had mentioned, the entire wail ruptured from my throat, shoving my mouth open wide.
My screech filled the room. The entire house. My whole body hummed with the keening, a violent chord of discordant sounds no human could have produced. My head throbbed, my brain seeming to bounce around within my skull.
I closed my eyes. I couldnt take it.
Cold, smooth fingers brushed my arm, and I opened my eyes again to find Harmony speaking to me. The room around her had become a blur of colors and textures, thanks to my inability to focus on it. Her pretty face was twisted into a constant wince of pain from the shards of steel my scream was no doubt driving into her brain. Male bean sidhes hear a females wail as an eerie, beautiful soul song. They crave the sound, and are pulled toward it. Almost seduced by it.
Female bean sidhes hear it as it is. As humans hear it. As a titanic racket loud enough to deafen, and sharp enough to shatter not just glass, but your ever-loving sanity.
Harmony glanced at her living-room window, the glass trembling in its frame. Because we shared a gender and speciesthough I was fuzzy on exactly how the whole thing workedI could hear her words through my own screaming, but they sounded like they came from within my own head.
Calm down. Take a breath. Close your mouth.
I snapped my jaws shut, muffling the sound, but not eradicating it. It buzzed in my mouth now, rattling my teeth, and still seeped out like a moan on steroids. But I could hear her normally now.
Breathe deeply, Kaylee, Harmony soothed, rubbing my arms until goose bumps stood up beneath my sleeves. Close your eyes and draw it back in. All but that last little bit.
I let my eyelids fall, though that small effort took a lot of courage, because closing my eyes meant blocking her out and embracing my own private darkness. Being alone with the ruthless keening. With the memory of Emmas death, before Id known it would be temporary.
But I did it.
Okay, now pull it back. Deep inside you. Picture swallowing your wailforcing it down past your throat into your heart. You can set it free in there. Let it bounce around. Ricochet. The human heart is a fragile thing, all thin vessels and delicate pumps. But the bean sidhe heart is armored. It has to be, for us to survive.
I pictured my heart with iron plating. I forced my arms to relax, my hands to fall into my lap. I listened to my wail as it seeped from my throat, forcing myself to hear each inharmonic note individually. And slowly, painfully, I drew them back into myself. Forced them down into my center.
