“What should I do, Saint? Pretend like your father doesn’t exist even though he lives in the same town and is flaunting his new, younger, prettier girlfriend in my face every chance he gets? You tell me, Ms. Smarty Pants, what should I do that’s healthier than what I’m doing now?”
I let her shoulder go and moved back around to the other side of the island. Mostly I needed a little space to avoid wringing her neck. I hated that it was so easy for her to be mean now.
“I don’t really know the answer to that, Mom. Maybe you just need some space away from it, away from them.”
She snorted and tossed her head back to wipe her cheeks off with the back of her hand. All she succeeded in doing was making a bigger mess. She looked absurd and miserable.
“You ran away when it happened to you, Saint. You didn’t come back for holidays or to visit, not for anything. All because you wanted to get away from a boy and hurt feelings. When college was done you took the first job you could find out there when all your family was here. Even when Faith started having all those babies, it wasn’t enough to bring you home. Try and tell me all about the healthy ways of dealing with things, Saint, go right ahead.”
I blew out a breath and curled my hands into fists on the marble top of the island. That was a low blow. She was on a roll and there was no getting through to her, and if I kept trying to reason with her while she was in this state, there was going to be irreversible damage done to our relationship, and as irritated as I was at her childish behavior, I didn’t want that to happen. Part of the reason I was back in Colorado was to work on things with my mom, not to drive us further apart.
“Mom, the holidays are right around the corner. Try and pull it together or no one is going to want to spend time together as a family. I know this has been hard for you, that Dad disappointed you and broke your heart, but life goes on. It’s going on two years, something has to give.” I was used to my family being a safe zone not a war zone, and the change was horrible.
She groaned and gave me a hard look through her watery eyes. For the last couple of years we had done Christmas Eve with Dad and Christmas Day with her. It seemed to work all right, even if no one was comfortable with Dad’s new girlfriend and Mom spent the entire next day lambasting us for spending time with them. I wasn’t looking forward to a repeat and I doubted Faith was either. A nice family get-together just wasn’t in the cards, though.
“Try and remember that it should be about family and the kids this year. Look, the roads are bad. I wanted to see you and check in. I’m worried about you for real, Mom, that fire should have been a wake-up call. You need to really evaluate what you are doing to yourself and what that is doing to the rest of the family. I really don’t want to have to bail you out of jail, or something even worse.”
I gave her one last hug and headed back toward the front door. All I could hope for was that maybe somehow my words had penetrated, that the fact that Faith and I still loved her like crazy would make up for the fact my dad no longer did. Maybe instead of just telling her to get some space, I should try and make it happen. I had plenty of vacation time saved up: maybe I should try and drag her to the Hot Springs for a long weekend or something. I just felt like she needed some kind of clarity to get back to where she was before my dad had devastated her. I got back in the Jetta, which by now had a pretty thick layer of snow coating it, and started the motor to let it warm up. While I was waiting I found a Pixies song I liked on my iPod and called my sister.
It took a few rings for her to answer, and when she did she sounded harried and out of breath.
“How was she?”
I was rubbing my hands together to keep them warm and just grunted a response.
“That bad?”
I sighed heavily and turned on the windshield wipers to clear away the fluffy white blanket covering the windshield.
“She’s a mess of pills and wine. She’s being mean and hateful. I don’t know anything because I’m a coward and left after high school and didn’t come home right after college.” With Faith, I let the sarcasm get as thick as the snow. “She’s lost her mind, but the final divorce papers came, so it’s officially over. That’s what inspired the bonfire. Honestly, I’m kind of worried about her, but I’m not sure what to do about it.”
“Shit.”
“Pretty much. Christmas should be fun this year.”
There was a really long silence on the other end of the phone that made me frown.
“What’s up, Faith?”
She muttered something again and let out a deep sigh. “I’m tired, Saint. I’m pregnant, I have a bunch of little kids that deserve an awesome Christmas for once, and a long-suffering husband that has finally reached his limit of my family drama. Justin and I are taking the kids to Aspen for Christmas. Mom and Dad are just going to have to deal with it. You’re welcome to escape with us if you want, but we just rented a tiny cabin and you’ll have to take a sleeping bag and bunk on the floor with Owen.”
I curled my hands around the steering wheel and tried to settle myself. I couldn’t say the news surprised me, but still it nipped at me. Faith was the one person I always relied on, who was always there for me even when I lived half a country away. She deserved a peaceful family holiday away from all the nonsense, but that meant I would be alone … because there was no way in hell I was tackling my parents and all their resentment and insanity on my own. No way.
“No, I’ll be fine. You guys go and have fun. I’ll drop the kids’ presents off sometime this weekend so you can take them with you.”
“Are you sure? You sound bummed out. You know we would love to have you.”
I rubbed my fingers across my forehead and gave a sharp laugh that had no humor in it.
“I guess it just proves it’s past time I get a life.”
“Oh, Saint … come on.”
“Seriously, Faith. I’m twenty-five, you’re my only friend, the rest of my family is bonkers, and God forbid a guy talks to me, or even worse shows some kind of genuine interest in me. I turn into a mute. I need to get my shit together just as much as Mom does.”
“Stop it. You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“Maybe. Hey, I’ll see you this weekend, okay?”
“Are you sure you’re all right?”
I wasn’t, but that wasn’t her problem. Suddenly the idea of being alone on Christmas, the thought of sitting in my apartment sad and depressed, overran my usual hesitancy and sense of self-preservation. I was headed back to Denver with a plan, and I wasn’t going to back out of it. Now I just needed to get back to the city in one piece because the driving conditions were terrible and the things running around my head had my concentration all over the place when it should be firmly on the road.
Traffic was moving at a snail’s pace even with the snowplows out, and it seemed like there was an accident or car out of control every half mile. It took me almost three and a half hours to get back to the city and then another half an hour to get to the hospital because rush-hour traffic was at a standstill. When I finally reached the giant building on the cusp of downtown, I parked and ran inside. I felt kind of breathless, a little out of control, and I had to say it was exhilarating.
I hoped no one would notice that I was there on my day off, or notice that I was operating on a heady mix of panic and adrenaline. Of course I wasn’t that lucky. Sunny was walking right across the entrance to the ER and stopped short when she saw me.
“Aren’t you off today?”
I shrugged and shifted uneasily. I was a woman on a mission and didn’t have time to stop and chitchat. I was worried that if I waited, all my nervous energy would fade and I would rationalize my way out of doing what I was about to do.
“Yeah.”
“What are you doing here? Didn’t I just tell you that you needed to get a life outside of this place? You’re going to run yourself into the ground, Saint. I know you had a difficult time with that case yesterday, but you have to leave that here and not take it home with you.”
I gave her a wan smile and tucked some of my long hair back behind my ears. When it was loose it curled and twisted all over the place and tended to be uncontrollable, so I just let it do whatever.
“I’m actually here looking for someone.”
She lifted a black eyebrow at me and shifted the paperwork she had in her hands.
“Dr. Bennet? He was talking about you again this week.”
I was opening my mouth to tell her no when the person I was actually looking for came strolling through the door. He had that black wool hat on and dark pea coat over his always-present hoodie. His eyes flickered over me and he gave me a grin. There was just something about him that was so magnetic. He always seemed to be the only thing I could focus on when we were in the same room, and it wasn’t just because he was so big and interesting to look at … it was something polarizing that came from deep inside of him.
“Hey.”
Sunny made a noise in her throat and looked between me and Nash with big eyes.
I didn’t give him a greeting back, didn’t introduce the two of them, I just blurted out, “Yes, I’ll go with you!” In a rush like the words couldn’t get off my tongue fast enough.
I sounded like an idiot and I could feel a scalding blush burn up my neck and flood into my face. He lifted his dark eyebrows up but didn’t say anything, or ask any questions that would have made me feel more awkward. He just dug his wallet out of his back pocket and handed me a business card. It was covered with bright ink and looked like the graffiti that covered the sides of trains and buildings in town. It was far more interesting and visually captivating than any other business card I had ever seen. It had his name on the front and the name of a tattoo shop. Of course he was a tattoo artist. What other job could he have that let him have yellow and orange flames inked on his scalp? It fit.
“The shop number is the one on the top. My cell is the bottom. Just hit me up and we’ll figure it out as we go. They’re getting married at the clock tower downtown on Arapahoe. I’m glad, Saint, really glad you decided to go with me.”
He didn’t draw it out, didn’t make me scramble for an explanation or ask why I sounded like a crazy person with the way I accepted. He just gave me a little wink and continued on his way to the elevator. I watched him walk away and curled my hand around the card like it was a lifeline.
Sunny gave me a wide-eyed look and cocked her head to the side.
“So you have a handsome, successful doctor interested in taking you out and you are actively avoiding accepting his invitations out, but a guy that looks like a miscreant comes strolling in and you practically jump out of your skin in your eagerness to go out with him. Wanna explain that to me, Saint?”
I couldn’t explain it to her. The desire to not be alone on Christmas outweighed any reservations I had about spending time with Nash. Plus she was my boss; I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell her that kissing Nash made my brain turn to mush and being close to him melted the typically frozen barriers I had in place when it came to interacting with the opposite sex.
“He’s a tattoo artist not a miscreant. We went to high school together. Plus he doesn’t make me nervous and anxious the way Dr. Bennet does.” Oh no, Nash made me nervous and anxious in an entirely different way that had all my bits and pieces reminding me I was a girl and he was a boy.
She clicked her tongue at me. “I think it has more to do with the type of guy you think you can get. It ties back into that whole you not being Bennet’s type. Well, you are his type and so much more than you give yourself credit for. You don’t have to settle for a guy with a ring through his nose.”
I wanted to argue that I liked the ring in his nose, it made his too-pretty face more masculine, but she kept going.
I let her shoulder go and moved back around to the other side of the island. Mostly I needed a little space to avoid wringing her neck. I hated that it was so easy for her to be mean now.
“I don’t really know the answer to that, Mom. Maybe you just need some space away from it, away from them.”
She snorted and tossed her head back to wipe her cheeks off with the back of her hand. All she succeeded in doing was making a bigger mess. She looked absurd and miserable.
“You ran away when it happened to you, Saint. You didn’t come back for holidays or to visit, not for anything. All because you wanted to get away from a boy and hurt feelings. When college was done you took the first job you could find out there when all your family was here. Even when Faith started having all those babies, it wasn’t enough to bring you home. Try and tell me all about the healthy ways of dealing with things, Saint, go right ahead.”
I blew out a breath and curled my hands into fists on the marble top of the island. That was a low blow. She was on a roll and there was no getting through to her, and if I kept trying to reason with her while she was in this state, there was going to be irreversible damage done to our relationship, and as irritated as I was at her childish behavior, I didn’t want that to happen. Part of the reason I was back in Colorado was to work on things with my mom, not to drive us further apart.
“Mom, the holidays are right around the corner. Try and pull it together or no one is going to want to spend time together as a family. I know this has been hard for you, that Dad disappointed you and broke your heart, but life goes on. It’s going on two years, something has to give.” I was used to my family being a safe zone not a war zone, and the change was horrible.
She groaned and gave me a hard look through her watery eyes. For the last couple of years we had done Christmas Eve with Dad and Christmas Day with her. It seemed to work all right, even if no one was comfortable with Dad’s new girlfriend and Mom spent the entire next day lambasting us for spending time with them. I wasn’t looking forward to a repeat and I doubted Faith was either. A nice family get-together just wasn’t in the cards, though.
“Try and remember that it should be about family and the kids this year. Look, the roads are bad. I wanted to see you and check in. I’m worried about you for real, Mom, that fire should have been a wake-up call. You need to really evaluate what you are doing to yourself and what that is doing to the rest of the family. I really don’t want to have to bail you out of jail, or something even worse.”
I gave her one last hug and headed back toward the front door. All I could hope for was that maybe somehow my words had penetrated, that the fact that Faith and I still loved her like crazy would make up for the fact my dad no longer did. Maybe instead of just telling her to get some space, I should try and make it happen. I had plenty of vacation time saved up: maybe I should try and drag her to the Hot Springs for a long weekend or something. I just felt like she needed some kind of clarity to get back to where she was before my dad had devastated her. I got back in the Jetta, which by now had a pretty thick layer of snow coating it, and started the motor to let it warm up. While I was waiting I found a Pixies song I liked on my iPod and called my sister.
It took a few rings for her to answer, and when she did she sounded harried and out of breath.
“How was she?”
I was rubbing my hands together to keep them warm and just grunted a response.
“That bad?”
I sighed heavily and turned on the windshield wipers to clear away the fluffy white blanket covering the windshield.
“She’s a mess of pills and wine. She’s being mean and hateful. I don’t know anything because I’m a coward and left after high school and didn’t come home right after college.” With Faith, I let the sarcasm get as thick as the snow. “She’s lost her mind, but the final divorce papers came, so it’s officially over. That’s what inspired the bonfire. Honestly, I’m kind of worried about her, but I’m not sure what to do about it.”
“Shit.”
“Pretty much. Christmas should be fun this year.”
There was a really long silence on the other end of the phone that made me frown.
“What’s up, Faith?”
She muttered something again and let out a deep sigh. “I’m tired, Saint. I’m pregnant, I have a bunch of little kids that deserve an awesome Christmas for once, and a long-suffering husband that has finally reached his limit of my family drama. Justin and I are taking the kids to Aspen for Christmas. Mom and Dad are just going to have to deal with it. You’re welcome to escape with us if you want, but we just rented a tiny cabin and you’ll have to take a sleeping bag and bunk on the floor with Owen.”
I curled my hands around the steering wheel and tried to settle myself. I couldn’t say the news surprised me, but still it nipped at me. Faith was the one person I always relied on, who was always there for me even when I lived half a country away. She deserved a peaceful family holiday away from all the nonsense, but that meant I would be alone … because there was no way in hell I was tackling my parents and all their resentment and insanity on my own. No way.
“No, I’ll be fine. You guys go and have fun. I’ll drop the kids’ presents off sometime this weekend so you can take them with you.”
“Are you sure? You sound bummed out. You know we would love to have you.”
I rubbed my fingers across my forehead and gave a sharp laugh that had no humor in it.
“I guess it just proves it’s past time I get a life.”
“Oh, Saint … come on.”
“Seriously, Faith. I’m twenty-five, you’re my only friend, the rest of my family is bonkers, and God forbid a guy talks to me, or even worse shows some kind of genuine interest in me. I turn into a mute. I need to get my shit together just as much as Mom does.”
“Stop it. You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“Maybe. Hey, I’ll see you this weekend, okay?”
“Are you sure you’re all right?”
I wasn’t, but that wasn’t her problem. Suddenly the idea of being alone on Christmas, the thought of sitting in my apartment sad and depressed, overran my usual hesitancy and sense of self-preservation. I was headed back to Denver with a plan, and I wasn’t going to back out of it. Now I just needed to get back to the city in one piece because the driving conditions were terrible and the things running around my head had my concentration all over the place when it should be firmly on the road.
Traffic was moving at a snail’s pace even with the snowplows out, and it seemed like there was an accident or car out of control every half mile. It took me almost three and a half hours to get back to the city and then another half an hour to get to the hospital because rush-hour traffic was at a standstill. When I finally reached the giant building on the cusp of downtown, I parked and ran inside. I felt kind of breathless, a little out of control, and I had to say it was exhilarating.
I hoped no one would notice that I was there on my day off, or notice that I was operating on a heady mix of panic and adrenaline. Of course I wasn’t that lucky. Sunny was walking right across the entrance to the ER and stopped short when she saw me.
“Aren’t you off today?”
I shrugged and shifted uneasily. I was a woman on a mission and didn’t have time to stop and chitchat. I was worried that if I waited, all my nervous energy would fade and I would rationalize my way out of doing what I was about to do.
“Yeah.”
“What are you doing here? Didn’t I just tell you that you needed to get a life outside of this place? You’re going to run yourself into the ground, Saint. I know you had a difficult time with that case yesterday, but you have to leave that here and not take it home with you.”
I gave her a wan smile and tucked some of my long hair back behind my ears. When it was loose it curled and twisted all over the place and tended to be uncontrollable, so I just let it do whatever.
“I’m actually here looking for someone.”
She lifted a black eyebrow at me and shifted the paperwork she had in her hands.
“Dr. Bennet? He was talking about you again this week.”
I was opening my mouth to tell her no when the person I was actually looking for came strolling through the door. He had that black wool hat on and dark pea coat over his always-present hoodie. His eyes flickered over me and he gave me a grin. There was just something about him that was so magnetic. He always seemed to be the only thing I could focus on when we were in the same room, and it wasn’t just because he was so big and interesting to look at … it was something polarizing that came from deep inside of him.
“Hey.”
Sunny made a noise in her throat and looked between me and Nash with big eyes.
I didn’t give him a greeting back, didn’t introduce the two of them, I just blurted out, “Yes, I’ll go with you!” In a rush like the words couldn’t get off my tongue fast enough.
I sounded like an idiot and I could feel a scalding blush burn up my neck and flood into my face. He lifted his dark eyebrows up but didn’t say anything, or ask any questions that would have made me feel more awkward. He just dug his wallet out of his back pocket and handed me a business card. It was covered with bright ink and looked like the graffiti that covered the sides of trains and buildings in town. It was far more interesting and visually captivating than any other business card I had ever seen. It had his name on the front and the name of a tattoo shop. Of course he was a tattoo artist. What other job could he have that let him have yellow and orange flames inked on his scalp? It fit.
“The shop number is the one on the top. My cell is the bottom. Just hit me up and we’ll figure it out as we go. They’re getting married at the clock tower downtown on Arapahoe. I’m glad, Saint, really glad you decided to go with me.”
He didn’t draw it out, didn’t make me scramble for an explanation or ask why I sounded like a crazy person with the way I accepted. He just gave me a little wink and continued on his way to the elevator. I watched him walk away and curled my hand around the card like it was a lifeline.
Sunny gave me a wide-eyed look and cocked her head to the side.
“So you have a handsome, successful doctor interested in taking you out and you are actively avoiding accepting his invitations out, but a guy that looks like a miscreant comes strolling in and you practically jump out of your skin in your eagerness to go out with him. Wanna explain that to me, Saint?”
I couldn’t explain it to her. The desire to not be alone on Christmas outweighed any reservations I had about spending time with Nash. Plus she was my boss; I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell her that kissing Nash made my brain turn to mush and being close to him melted the typically frozen barriers I had in place when it came to interacting with the opposite sex.
“He’s a tattoo artist not a miscreant. We went to high school together. Plus he doesn’t make me nervous and anxious the way Dr. Bennet does.” Oh no, Nash made me nervous and anxious in an entirely different way that had all my bits and pieces reminding me I was a girl and he was a boy.
She clicked her tongue at me. “I think it has more to do with the type of guy you think you can get. It ties back into that whole you not being Bennet’s type. Well, you are his type and so much more than you give yourself credit for. You don’t have to settle for a guy with a ring through his nose.”
I wanted to argue that I liked the ring in his nose, it made his too-pretty face more masculine, but she kept going.
