Wow. I hadn’t been expecting that.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Now put some makeup on and maybe a push-up bra and land one of those doctors you work with and I’ll be over the moon.”
And there she was … that sounded more like my mom.
“Stay out of trouble, Mom, and maybe quit the pills.” I tried to keep it light but I made sure she could see the concern I had for her in my gaze. I wanted better for her but realized she was going to have to take some steps herself in order to get it.
She shut the door and headed up to the front door. I waited until she went inside and pulled out my phone. I didn’t think about it, I just found his name in my phone book and pushed the button to call him. He answered on the second ring.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” My voice dropped a little huskier against my will.
“What’s up?”
“Are you busy?”
“Yeah, right now I have a client and one more after. Why, what’s up?”
I chewed on my bottom lip and tapped my fingers nervously on my knee.
“Nothing really. I just had a really weird day and thought maybe hanging out with you would make it a little better.”
He was quiet for a long minute and I thought he was going to tell me I had missed my window or that maybe if I had bothered to call him sooner we could’ve made plans. This is why I sucked so hard at the boy-girl thing. It was rude to just assume he would drop everything and make time for me. I knew his life was busy and he had a lot of friends and people clamoring for his attention and time. Who was I to ask him to be available for me when I finally forced myself to make the time for something other than my job?
“Yeah, we can hang out. Do you care if it’s later? I want to swing by Phil’s. He wasn’t looking very good yesterday when I checked in on him, and I won’t be out of here until after eight, so like around ten or so?”
I was off tomorrow, so he could show up at midnight for all I cared, just as long as he showed up.
“That’s fine. Do you want me to feed you?”
He chuckled and I heard him say something to someone in the background.
“No. Let’s go do something fun. Wear something you don’t mind getting dirty.”
That was intriguing and had me curious, which was bizarre because I hated surprises.
“What does your idea of fun look like, Nash?”
“You’ll have to wait and see. Later, Saint.”
He hung up and I was left staring at my phone in wonderment. I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t know what he was doing to me, but there was no doubt he made my day better by simply being. I shuffled through my music and landed on the Vines and headed back to the city.
I called Faith and filled her in on the situation with our mom. She sounded so stressed out and so sad, I felt bad for her, but Mom was an adult and had to make her own choices and suffer her own consequences. There wasn’t much we could do. We talked for most of the drive home. She couldn’t believe I had bailed out on the doctor. I hadn’t exactly told her who my rescuer had been. I knew she wouldn’t like it. Not after the way my younger self had broken at the hands of Nash’s thoughtless actions and words, directed at me or not.
I still didn’t fully believe that he hadn’t been talking about me, that he was just running his mouth. The vehemence in his tone, the anger in his eyes, made me want to believe him, but I just didn’t know. Frankly, even if he was talking about someone else back then, the words were still cruel and awful. If I let go of that memory, admitted that there was a distinct possibility that my own shattered sense of self, my own broken self-confidence, had fabricated what I wanted to hear, what I just expected to hear about myself back then, then it followed that I had to admit that everything I had done, all the roadblocks I faced in my interpersonal relationships up to this point, fell on me. That was a tough pill to swallow.
I cleaned up the apartment a little, took a shower, and braided my long hair, made myself a bowl of cereal for dinner because my stomach was turning up and down, and dug around in my closet for something that was okay to get dirty but didn’t make me look like a bag lady. I settled on a pair of yoga pants and a button-up flannel shirt over a tank top. It wasn’t going to win me any prizes on Project Runway, but I doubted it would send Nash running for the hills. It took me a second to recognize that I wasn’t freaking out at him seeing me like this. Maybe because he had seen me so often in my scrubs at the hospital and sans makeup while I was working. Or maybe it was because there wasn’t a part of me he hadn’t had his hands or his mouth on and he didn’t seem to have any complaints. Had I been anyone else, I think his nonverbal appreciation of my n*ked form would have been a huge stroke to my ego, but being as I was a weirdo, I was just glad he kept his actual thoughts on the subject—good or bad—to himself.
He showed up a few minutes after ten, gave me a quick once-over, pulled me into a kiss that had me panting and winded, and hauled me outside to the car. He was dressed in what I assumed he wore to work and I could see that he had dark shadows under each eye and a scruff on his normally clean-shaven chin. He looked drawn and worn out. I struggled a little with feeling guilty for asking him to give me some of his time.
I asked him shyly, “Long week?”
He opened the door for me and ushered me into the car. The interior was still warm and he had the Tossers playing on the radio. Every time I was in this monster of a car, Celtic punk rock was coming out of the speakers.
When he got back behind the wheel, he looked over at me and gave me a lopsided grin.
“Well, hearing from you was a highlight of it for sure … and the flowers. You had the shop rolling. I’m never going to hear the end of it. But Phil isn’t doing so great and I keep asking him about how I managed to go my whole life without knowing that he was really my dad and he keeps telling me to talk to my mom. I would rather eat glass. Plus now that Rule is back from his honeymoon, we have to start figuring out what we want to do about the new shop. It’s all just kind of piling up.”
“I’m sorry about Phil and I can totally relate to the mom thing. I had to go get mine out of jail today.”
He barked out a laugh and looked at me. “You’re joking?”
“Nope.” I proceeded to tell him all about it, which meant I was the one carrying on the conversation for a full fifteen minutes as he wound back across the city to the warehouse district out past Coors Field.
He asked questions along the way, but never interrupted, and I couldn’t believe how seamlessly I was engaging with him. That never happened to me. He stopped in front of a huge garage and poked the code in a big metal gate and drove through. I had no idea what we were doing in this part of the city or at this location, so I looked at him questioningly.
“How is car repair fun?”
He tsked at me and pulled the Charger up to one of the closed bay doors.
“I rebuilt this entire beast from the ground up. It was my saving grace back in the day. This car and Phil were pretty much the only things that kept me out of jail. It was how I figured out there were more productive ways to spend my time than getting in trouble and trying to get a reaction out of my mom. Phil told me that I needed a classic, something that would last the test of time. He told me if I took care of it, babied it, loved it, that it would do the same for me. I realize now he was trying to teach me about more than cars. He helped me pull it out of a junkyard and we spent years making it into the beast it is now.”
He got out of the car and punched in another code on another electric keypad, and the big bay door started to roll up. The garage was dark and intimidating at first glance, but as he pulled the car in, the headlights danced across a bunch of old cars in various stages of repair. It clearly wasn’t just a garage but a custom car shop.
“My buddy Wheeler owns this place. He helps me out with the Charger when I need him to and we trade out work. He lets me use the paint shop occasionally.”
I couldn’t help but lift an eyebrow. “A car guy named Wheeler? Really?”
He laughed and got out of the car. He reached behind the seat and pulled out a black bag and a roll of something I hadn’t noticed earlier.
“His first name is Hudsen, and who are you to talk? You’re a nurse named Saint.”
He handed me the rolled-up bundle and I noticed that it was paper. I had no idea what we were doing and told him as much.
He just took my other hand and we navigated the cars and toolboxes to the back of the shop, where there was a sealed-off room. He turned on more lights and smirked at me. His eyes were glittering with violet threads of merriment. I bit back a sigh. Really I could just stare at him all day and be happy.
“Back in the day I used to take a bunch of spray paint out and go tag a bunch of stuff to blow off steam. I thought it was cool to break the law, to leave my mark all over the city, until I got busted and Phil had to pay a huge-ass fine to keep me out of jail. That was how I got into art, into design. Really I think I wanted to get busted doing something illegal so my mom would have to deal with me, but that’s neither here nor there anymore and it’s still fun to paint with cans.”
We went into the room that was all white, had a crazy ventilation system, and had ventilators for breathing hanging on the wall and a bunch of stuff that was obviously used to paint cars in it. Nash tossed the bag on the floor and now I could hear the cans of paint inside it roll around together. He took the paper out of my hands and walked over to one of the walls that had a wire hanging from it and a bunch of metal clips.
“I can’t go out and paint walls, buildings, or trains anymore, at least not unless I’m getting paid to do it, but graffiti is fun. It’s bright and wild, there are no rules, and after tattooing stuff for other people all day, sometimes I need a change of pace. It’s nice just to get out and do my own thing, remember my own style. Wheeler lets me set up in here. No mess, no vandalism charges, and it’s always pretty fun.”
I watched as he hung up two pieces of paper that were almost as tall as me and about as wide as a door. He crouched down to start taking the multitude of paint cans in all the colors in the rainbow out of the bag. I had never had someone let me in on one of their own little rituals before, never was close enough to anyone for that. There was the pull he had on me acting up again.
“I can’t even draw a stick figure, Nash.” He was a professional artist, for goodness’ sake, how was I supposed to be comfortable even playing around with that kind of skill level and talent judging me?
He grumbled something under his breath and crammed a black baseball hat that was in the bag on his head backward. It was a good look for him.
“Saint, not everything is win or lose. We aren’t in competition with each other, we’re here to have fun and spend some time together without a bunch of noise and the outside bugging us. Just relax and let go.”
I took his word for it. I didn’t have a choice. I had missed him this week and wanted this time with him. I felt like he was giving me a peek inside the inner workings of his head. We stood side by side and considered the giant canvases. He started on his first, and before I even picked up one can of paint he had the entire background filled with swirling, primary colors that were bold and eye-catching. I couldn’t tell what he was doing, but it was fascinating and engaging to watch.
I bit the tip of my tongue and started Bob Ross–ing some happy little trees and clouds. Before I knew it, I forgot all about Nash, forgot I was in an auto body shop, and just started actually having fun. It was a lot easier than I ever remembered painting being. I added a rainbow, and then I needed a pot of gold. Of course, since I had a lopsided and runny pot of gold, I needed a leprechaun to go with it. By the time I was done, I was laughing so hard I had to hold my sides, but the paper was covered in a sloppy, drippy mess that no one would want, but it was hysterical to me, and when Nash looked over my shoulder at it and just tilted his head and squinted his eyes to try and make it out, it only made me laugh harder. This is why people kept telling me I needed to get out more. I couldn’t ever remember giggling so hard and unrestrained.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Now put some makeup on and maybe a push-up bra and land one of those doctors you work with and I’ll be over the moon.”
And there she was … that sounded more like my mom.
“Stay out of trouble, Mom, and maybe quit the pills.” I tried to keep it light but I made sure she could see the concern I had for her in my gaze. I wanted better for her but realized she was going to have to take some steps herself in order to get it.
She shut the door and headed up to the front door. I waited until she went inside and pulled out my phone. I didn’t think about it, I just found his name in my phone book and pushed the button to call him. He answered on the second ring.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” My voice dropped a little huskier against my will.
“What’s up?”
“Are you busy?”
“Yeah, right now I have a client and one more after. Why, what’s up?”
I chewed on my bottom lip and tapped my fingers nervously on my knee.
“Nothing really. I just had a really weird day and thought maybe hanging out with you would make it a little better.”
He was quiet for a long minute and I thought he was going to tell me I had missed my window or that maybe if I had bothered to call him sooner we could’ve made plans. This is why I sucked so hard at the boy-girl thing. It was rude to just assume he would drop everything and make time for me. I knew his life was busy and he had a lot of friends and people clamoring for his attention and time. Who was I to ask him to be available for me when I finally forced myself to make the time for something other than my job?
“Yeah, we can hang out. Do you care if it’s later? I want to swing by Phil’s. He wasn’t looking very good yesterday when I checked in on him, and I won’t be out of here until after eight, so like around ten or so?”
I was off tomorrow, so he could show up at midnight for all I cared, just as long as he showed up.
“That’s fine. Do you want me to feed you?”
He chuckled and I heard him say something to someone in the background.
“No. Let’s go do something fun. Wear something you don’t mind getting dirty.”
That was intriguing and had me curious, which was bizarre because I hated surprises.
“What does your idea of fun look like, Nash?”
“You’ll have to wait and see. Later, Saint.”
He hung up and I was left staring at my phone in wonderment. I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t know what he was doing to me, but there was no doubt he made my day better by simply being. I shuffled through my music and landed on the Vines and headed back to the city.
I called Faith and filled her in on the situation with our mom. She sounded so stressed out and so sad, I felt bad for her, but Mom was an adult and had to make her own choices and suffer her own consequences. There wasn’t much we could do. We talked for most of the drive home. She couldn’t believe I had bailed out on the doctor. I hadn’t exactly told her who my rescuer had been. I knew she wouldn’t like it. Not after the way my younger self had broken at the hands of Nash’s thoughtless actions and words, directed at me or not.
I still didn’t fully believe that he hadn’t been talking about me, that he was just running his mouth. The vehemence in his tone, the anger in his eyes, made me want to believe him, but I just didn’t know. Frankly, even if he was talking about someone else back then, the words were still cruel and awful. If I let go of that memory, admitted that there was a distinct possibility that my own shattered sense of self, my own broken self-confidence, had fabricated what I wanted to hear, what I just expected to hear about myself back then, then it followed that I had to admit that everything I had done, all the roadblocks I faced in my interpersonal relationships up to this point, fell on me. That was a tough pill to swallow.
I cleaned up the apartment a little, took a shower, and braided my long hair, made myself a bowl of cereal for dinner because my stomach was turning up and down, and dug around in my closet for something that was okay to get dirty but didn’t make me look like a bag lady. I settled on a pair of yoga pants and a button-up flannel shirt over a tank top. It wasn’t going to win me any prizes on Project Runway, but I doubted it would send Nash running for the hills. It took me a second to recognize that I wasn’t freaking out at him seeing me like this. Maybe because he had seen me so often in my scrubs at the hospital and sans makeup while I was working. Or maybe it was because there wasn’t a part of me he hadn’t had his hands or his mouth on and he didn’t seem to have any complaints. Had I been anyone else, I think his nonverbal appreciation of my n*ked form would have been a huge stroke to my ego, but being as I was a weirdo, I was just glad he kept his actual thoughts on the subject—good or bad—to himself.
He showed up a few minutes after ten, gave me a quick once-over, pulled me into a kiss that had me panting and winded, and hauled me outside to the car. He was dressed in what I assumed he wore to work and I could see that he had dark shadows under each eye and a scruff on his normally clean-shaven chin. He looked drawn and worn out. I struggled a little with feeling guilty for asking him to give me some of his time.
I asked him shyly, “Long week?”
He opened the door for me and ushered me into the car. The interior was still warm and he had the Tossers playing on the radio. Every time I was in this monster of a car, Celtic punk rock was coming out of the speakers.
When he got back behind the wheel, he looked over at me and gave me a lopsided grin.
“Well, hearing from you was a highlight of it for sure … and the flowers. You had the shop rolling. I’m never going to hear the end of it. But Phil isn’t doing so great and I keep asking him about how I managed to go my whole life without knowing that he was really my dad and he keeps telling me to talk to my mom. I would rather eat glass. Plus now that Rule is back from his honeymoon, we have to start figuring out what we want to do about the new shop. It’s all just kind of piling up.”
“I’m sorry about Phil and I can totally relate to the mom thing. I had to go get mine out of jail today.”
He barked out a laugh and looked at me. “You’re joking?”
“Nope.” I proceeded to tell him all about it, which meant I was the one carrying on the conversation for a full fifteen minutes as he wound back across the city to the warehouse district out past Coors Field.
He asked questions along the way, but never interrupted, and I couldn’t believe how seamlessly I was engaging with him. That never happened to me. He stopped in front of a huge garage and poked the code in a big metal gate and drove through. I had no idea what we were doing in this part of the city or at this location, so I looked at him questioningly.
“How is car repair fun?”
He tsked at me and pulled the Charger up to one of the closed bay doors.
“I rebuilt this entire beast from the ground up. It was my saving grace back in the day. This car and Phil were pretty much the only things that kept me out of jail. It was how I figured out there were more productive ways to spend my time than getting in trouble and trying to get a reaction out of my mom. Phil told me that I needed a classic, something that would last the test of time. He told me if I took care of it, babied it, loved it, that it would do the same for me. I realize now he was trying to teach me about more than cars. He helped me pull it out of a junkyard and we spent years making it into the beast it is now.”
He got out of the car and punched in another code on another electric keypad, and the big bay door started to roll up. The garage was dark and intimidating at first glance, but as he pulled the car in, the headlights danced across a bunch of old cars in various stages of repair. It clearly wasn’t just a garage but a custom car shop.
“My buddy Wheeler owns this place. He helps me out with the Charger when I need him to and we trade out work. He lets me use the paint shop occasionally.”
I couldn’t help but lift an eyebrow. “A car guy named Wheeler? Really?”
He laughed and got out of the car. He reached behind the seat and pulled out a black bag and a roll of something I hadn’t noticed earlier.
“His first name is Hudsen, and who are you to talk? You’re a nurse named Saint.”
He handed me the rolled-up bundle and I noticed that it was paper. I had no idea what we were doing and told him as much.
He just took my other hand and we navigated the cars and toolboxes to the back of the shop, where there was a sealed-off room. He turned on more lights and smirked at me. His eyes were glittering with violet threads of merriment. I bit back a sigh. Really I could just stare at him all day and be happy.
“Back in the day I used to take a bunch of spray paint out and go tag a bunch of stuff to blow off steam. I thought it was cool to break the law, to leave my mark all over the city, until I got busted and Phil had to pay a huge-ass fine to keep me out of jail. That was how I got into art, into design. Really I think I wanted to get busted doing something illegal so my mom would have to deal with me, but that’s neither here nor there anymore and it’s still fun to paint with cans.”
We went into the room that was all white, had a crazy ventilation system, and had ventilators for breathing hanging on the wall and a bunch of stuff that was obviously used to paint cars in it. Nash tossed the bag on the floor and now I could hear the cans of paint inside it roll around together. He took the paper out of my hands and walked over to one of the walls that had a wire hanging from it and a bunch of metal clips.
“I can’t go out and paint walls, buildings, or trains anymore, at least not unless I’m getting paid to do it, but graffiti is fun. It’s bright and wild, there are no rules, and after tattooing stuff for other people all day, sometimes I need a change of pace. It’s nice just to get out and do my own thing, remember my own style. Wheeler lets me set up in here. No mess, no vandalism charges, and it’s always pretty fun.”
I watched as he hung up two pieces of paper that were almost as tall as me and about as wide as a door. He crouched down to start taking the multitude of paint cans in all the colors in the rainbow out of the bag. I had never had someone let me in on one of their own little rituals before, never was close enough to anyone for that. There was the pull he had on me acting up again.
“I can’t even draw a stick figure, Nash.” He was a professional artist, for goodness’ sake, how was I supposed to be comfortable even playing around with that kind of skill level and talent judging me?
He grumbled something under his breath and crammed a black baseball hat that was in the bag on his head backward. It was a good look for him.
“Saint, not everything is win or lose. We aren’t in competition with each other, we’re here to have fun and spend some time together without a bunch of noise and the outside bugging us. Just relax and let go.”
I took his word for it. I didn’t have a choice. I had missed him this week and wanted this time with him. I felt like he was giving me a peek inside the inner workings of his head. We stood side by side and considered the giant canvases. He started on his first, and before I even picked up one can of paint he had the entire background filled with swirling, primary colors that were bold and eye-catching. I couldn’t tell what he was doing, but it was fascinating and engaging to watch.
I bit the tip of my tongue and started Bob Ross–ing some happy little trees and clouds. Before I knew it, I forgot all about Nash, forgot I was in an auto body shop, and just started actually having fun. It was a lot easier than I ever remembered painting being. I added a rainbow, and then I needed a pot of gold. Of course, since I had a lopsided and runny pot of gold, I needed a leprechaun to go with it. By the time I was done, I was laughing so hard I had to hold my sides, but the paper was covered in a sloppy, drippy mess that no one would want, but it was hysterical to me, and when Nash looked over my shoulder at it and just tilted his head and squinted his eyes to try and make it out, it only made me laugh harder. This is why people kept telling me I needed to get out more. I couldn’t ever remember giggling so hard and unrestrained.
