“Hiring someone who is capable of reading a book is a good start. I’d also prefer someone ten to fifteen years older than me, married or already engaged, submissive enough to complete tasks without sarcasm, Ivy League education, and someone who knows how to tell the goddamn time.”
“Yeah, okay. Let’s put up the job description in those exact words and see how much of a field day the press has with that one.”
“I’m willing to bend on the Ivy League part if it’s a college with a good reputation. I’m not bending on anything else.”
“We’ll see.” He was definitely rolling his eyes, and I could tell he was about to give me his infamous lecture about hiring laws and blind interviews, so I beat him to it.
“Just get me the best person for the job. I’ll wait however long it takes since this fire today, hire tomorrow approach isn’t working. And actually, just get me someone who impresses you, because if that’s the case I know this person will impress me.”
“Now, you’re finally thinking smart,” he said. “Give me six weeks. I’ll screen the hell out of everyone and make sure the next executive assistant you have is someone who’ll last over a year.
“Thank you, Brad.” I hung up, wanting to feel optimistic, but with my track record, I knew the odds of me employing the same executive assistant for a year were highly unlikely. Just like I knew the chances of me going twelve months without fucking someone were too unbelievable to completely fathom.
I’ll try it though...
THE EMAILS
Mya Subject: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
So...I’m pretty sure this job listing is for that “sexy” CEO we sometimes see on all the tabloids!
You should definitely apply for this. You’d be perfect.
Check out the attachment below.
Your bestie,
Amy
—-—Forwarded Message——-
High level executive at Leighton Publishing seeks a highly competent and professional executive assistant. Requirements and salary package attached via pdf below. Send resume(s) and contact information to Brad.CollinsLeightonPublishing.
—Bachelor’s degree from an accredited college institution (master’s preferred)
—A minimum of five (5) years experience working for high level corporate executive
—Passion for literature
—Ability to work under high stress and for at least 50-60 hours a week
—Ability to draft error-free press releases and PR copy at a moment’s notice
Salary&BenefitsLeightonPublishing.pdf
Subject: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
It can’t be. There’s no way a guy like that would post a job like this on Craigslist, is there? And at that huge of a salary range?!! O.M.G!
Wait. I thought he was the “naughty” CEO? Isn’t that what they call him?
Your bestie,
Mya
PS—I definitely applied. :-)
Subject: Re: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
“Naughty.” “Sexy.” Same thing. And who knows? Maybe he’s desperate?
According to Page Six and his former EA, he can’t keep an assistant for more than two months at a time. She claims he was “really demanding” and asked her to do “hard labor.”
Then again, I’m sure the real reason no women last around him is because they’re all distracted by how big his cock is.
(If you get hired, please find out how big it is. Do it for me, at least.)
Your bestie,
Amy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
The Brad guy from the ad just called me and told me to be at Leighton Publishing next Friday for an interview. AN. INTERVIEW!
Wish me luck!
Your bestie,
Mya
Subject: Did you get the job?
Haven’t heard anything from you in two weeks! The two of us aren’t that busy these days and you stay right across the hall! What gives?
Did you meet Michael Leighton during the interview?
Your bestie (Do we really have to continue signing off like this on every email like we’re still teenagers?)
Amy
Subject: Re: Did you get the job?
Sorry, I’ve been swamped with some massive reading and pre-research. (Don’t ask.) But yes! I got hired On. The. Spot! The Brad guy (Leighton’s advisor) even doubled the initial salary offer in the middle of our negotiations.
I didn’t technically get to “see” Mr. Leighton until this morning when I went to officially sign the paperwork and I lie to you not, the man is the sexiest man I’ve ever seen in my life. Hands down.
He made me wet after he shook my hand and said the words, “Welcome to my company, Mya.” That’s honestly all it took...
Sexy as ever or not, I’m determined to last way longer than all of his other assistants. He can’t be that bad, right?
Your bestie (Yes. It’s tradition to sign off like this :) ),
Mya
ONE YEAR LATER...
THE ASSISTANT
Mya Manhattan, New York
I stumbled into the glittering lobby of Leighton Publishing, balancing a small box of files in one hand and a binder of reports in the other. I was over an hour early, but I knew that wouldn’t be enough for my boss.
Taking the elevator straight to the top floor, I rolled my eyes as the golden numbers lit up above the doors. Michael Leighton insisted on having the entire top floor to himself, and only allowed me and the lowly secretaries access when we had a morning meeting like today. Or, when he was too lazy to travel down one flight of stairs, when he would call and say, “Come up to my office.”
The second the doors sprung open, I headed toward the massive conference room that was right across from his office. I unlocked the doors and hit the lights, pulling down the projector screen as I made my way around the room.
I set out notepads and pens at each chair, and then I dialed the breakfast caterer.
“Fifth Avenue Catering,” a woman answered on the first ring. “How may I help you this morning?”
“Hello, this is Mya London with Leighton Publishing,” I said. “I was wondering what time your delivery person was going to—”
“They’re on the elevator right now, Miss London.” She interrupted, a slight smile in her voice. “We know how your boss feels about time. No worries.”
“Thank you.” I ended the call and dialed the literary agent who was due to arrive or a separate meeting later today, letting her know that we would only have time for a twenty-minute pitch. Then I emailed each and every staff person a reminder to arrive to the boardroom at least ten minutes early.
As soon as I hit send on the message, an email from Mr. Leighton popped onto my screen.
Subject: What I Need Today.
Coffee from Dean & DeLuca. Mary Kubica’s new book. Ad report. Hotel confirmations for next Saturday night, two. Q3 revenue reports. Travel itinerary for January. Files for meeting at 3 o’clock on my desk by noon.
Michael Leighton,
CEO, Leighton Publishing
There was never any point in responding to his first email of the day. One hundred percent rhetorical and two hundred percent rude, he always sent them at exactly seven o’clock and they were always comprised of staccato-like sentences. There was never a “Hello,” “Good morning,” or a mere, “Hope all is well today.” The asshole never even said, “Please.”
“Yeah, okay. Let’s put up the job description in those exact words and see how much of a field day the press has with that one.”
“I’m willing to bend on the Ivy League part if it’s a college with a good reputation. I’m not bending on anything else.”
“We’ll see.” He was definitely rolling his eyes, and I could tell he was about to give me his infamous lecture about hiring laws and blind interviews, so I beat him to it.
“Just get me the best person for the job. I’ll wait however long it takes since this fire today, hire tomorrow approach isn’t working. And actually, just get me someone who impresses you, because if that’s the case I know this person will impress me.”
“Now, you’re finally thinking smart,” he said. “Give me six weeks. I’ll screen the hell out of everyone and make sure the next executive assistant you have is someone who’ll last over a year.
“Thank you, Brad.” I hung up, wanting to feel optimistic, but with my track record, I knew the odds of me employing the same executive assistant for a year were highly unlikely. Just like I knew the chances of me going twelve months without fucking someone were too unbelievable to completely fathom.
I’ll try it though...
THE EMAILS
Mya Subject: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
So...I’m pretty sure this job listing is for that “sexy” CEO we sometimes see on all the tabloids!
You should definitely apply for this. You’d be perfect.
Check out the attachment below.
Your bestie,
Amy
—-—Forwarded Message——-
High level executive at Leighton Publishing seeks a highly competent and professional executive assistant. Requirements and salary package attached via pdf below. Send resume(s) and contact information to Brad.CollinsLeightonPublishing.
—Bachelor’s degree from an accredited college institution (master’s preferred)
—A minimum of five (5) years experience working for high level corporate executive
—Passion for literature
—Ability to work under high stress and for at least 50-60 hours a week
—Ability to draft error-free press releases and PR copy at a moment’s notice
Salary&BenefitsLeightonPublishing.pdf
Subject: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
It can’t be. There’s no way a guy like that would post a job like this on Craigslist, is there? And at that huge of a salary range?!! O.M.G!
Wait. I thought he was the “naughty” CEO? Isn’t that what they call him?
Your bestie,
Mya
PS—I definitely applied. :-)
Subject: Re: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
“Naughty.” “Sexy.” Same thing. And who knows? Maybe he’s desperate?
According to Page Six and his former EA, he can’t keep an assistant for more than two months at a time. She claims he was “really demanding” and asked her to do “hard labor.”
Then again, I’m sure the real reason no women last around him is because they’re all distracted by how big his cock is.
(If you get hired, please find out how big it is. Do it for me, at least.)
Your bestie,
Amy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant
The Brad guy from the ad just called me and told me to be at Leighton Publishing next Friday for an interview. AN. INTERVIEW!
Wish me luck!
Your bestie,
Mya
Subject: Did you get the job?
Haven’t heard anything from you in two weeks! The two of us aren’t that busy these days and you stay right across the hall! What gives?
Did you meet Michael Leighton during the interview?
Your bestie (Do we really have to continue signing off like this on every email like we’re still teenagers?)
Amy
Subject: Re: Did you get the job?
Sorry, I’ve been swamped with some massive reading and pre-research. (Don’t ask.) But yes! I got hired On. The. Spot! The Brad guy (Leighton’s advisor) even doubled the initial salary offer in the middle of our negotiations.
I didn’t technically get to “see” Mr. Leighton until this morning when I went to officially sign the paperwork and I lie to you not, the man is the sexiest man I’ve ever seen in my life. Hands down.
He made me wet after he shook my hand and said the words, “Welcome to my company, Mya.” That’s honestly all it took...
Sexy as ever or not, I’m determined to last way longer than all of his other assistants. He can’t be that bad, right?
Your bestie (Yes. It’s tradition to sign off like this :) ),
Mya
ONE YEAR LATER...
THE ASSISTANT
Mya Manhattan, New York
I stumbled into the glittering lobby of Leighton Publishing, balancing a small box of files in one hand and a binder of reports in the other. I was over an hour early, but I knew that wouldn’t be enough for my boss.
Taking the elevator straight to the top floor, I rolled my eyes as the golden numbers lit up above the doors. Michael Leighton insisted on having the entire top floor to himself, and only allowed me and the lowly secretaries access when we had a morning meeting like today. Or, when he was too lazy to travel down one flight of stairs, when he would call and say, “Come up to my office.”
The second the doors sprung open, I headed toward the massive conference room that was right across from his office. I unlocked the doors and hit the lights, pulling down the projector screen as I made my way around the room.
I set out notepads and pens at each chair, and then I dialed the breakfast caterer.
“Fifth Avenue Catering,” a woman answered on the first ring. “How may I help you this morning?”
“Hello, this is Mya London with Leighton Publishing,” I said. “I was wondering what time your delivery person was going to—”
“They’re on the elevator right now, Miss London.” She interrupted, a slight smile in her voice. “We know how your boss feels about time. No worries.”
“Thank you.” I ended the call and dialed the literary agent who was due to arrive or a separate meeting later today, letting her know that we would only have time for a twenty-minute pitch. Then I emailed each and every staff person a reminder to arrive to the boardroom at least ten minutes early.
As soon as I hit send on the message, an email from Mr. Leighton popped onto my screen.
Subject: What I Need Today.
Coffee from Dean & DeLuca. Mary Kubica’s new book. Ad report. Hotel confirmations for next Saturday night, two. Q3 revenue reports. Travel itinerary for January. Files for meeting at 3 o’clock on my desk by noon.
Michael Leighton,
CEO, Leighton Publishing
There was never any point in responding to his first email of the day. One hundred percent rhetorical and two hundred percent rude, he always sent them at exactly seven o’clock and they were always comprised of staccato-like sentences. There was never a “Hello,” “Good morning,” or a mere, “Hope all is well today.” The asshole never even said, “Please.”
