Nothing Left to Lose
Page 115
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A breathtaking smile stretched across his face. “I want you right now too.”
He moved to sit up again, so I pushed him back down, leaving my hands on his shoulders. I needed to explain before this went any further, he needed to understand and agree to it before this could happen. “I just want you for tonight, that’s all. Tomorrow we pretend like this never happened,” I offered, biting my lip, begging him with my eyes to accept.
He frowned. His expression was like I’d just slapped him in the face. He looked both hurt and shocked. “Anna, what? I don’t want to pretend that it never happened.”
My heart sank. “Please?” I begged. “I need you. Ever since that first time we were together, I just can’t stop thinking about it. Sex, no strings, one night, I’ll do whatever you want. It’s your birthday, so you name it and I’ll do it,” I bargained as I ran my fingertips down his chest.
“Anna, I don’t just want you for one night.” His voice was a little strained and the sad tone of it made my heart ache.
“I just want to make myself happy, just for one night. I promise I won’t feel guilty about it tomorrow and get upset. I promise, please?” I leant down so our faces were inches apart. Indecision was clear across his face. “Please? I want you and I know you want me too. Just for tonight?”
“Tell me why you won’t let me in,” he said suddenly. “Try and explain it to me.” His eyes searched mine for answers that I myself didn’t even know.
I blinked, a little shocked at his request and the sudden change in conversation. I sighed, feeling dejected. Clearly my request was ruining the easy relationship we had. I shouldn’t have wished to be happy, even for one night, because I obviously didn’t deserve it.
“I just… can’t. I let Jack in and when he died, it killed me inside. I’m broken. I don’t have anything to give you. Jack took all of me when he died,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I knew that wasn’t true though, Jack didn’t take everything, I thought for the longest time that he had, but since I’d met Ashton, I’d started to feel again. I couldn’t be dead inside because I could feel the tug at my heart when Ashton looked at me just as he was looking at me now: pleading and hurt. I wanted to make him feel better; it was almost painful to see that look on his face. So that was how I knew that my heart didn’t die when Jack did. The trouble was, I couldn’t let Ashton have my heart. I couldn’t feel heartbreak again; I wouldn’t live through it a second time. I wasn’t strong enough to go through another man leaving me; I couldn’t open myself up like that again. But I could give myself to him physically and give us what we both wanted.
“But if you could just give me a chance…” He looked at me pleadingly, begging me with his sad puppy dog face.
I shook my head fiercely. “No. I’ve been there and felt what it’s like to have your heart ripped out. I won’t ever let myself get in that position again, not ever. I can’t.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But I just want to feel happy for one night. I want to be normal and not worry about anything or anyone. Please? Will you just… make me forget everything, Ashton?” I begged.
I could feel the disappointment and devastation building inside with each passing second. Tears welled in my eyes as I pressed my face into the side of his neck, willing them not to fall as I breathed in his smell that I was fast becoming addicted to. His arms wrapped tightly around me and hugged me to him while I fought for control.
After a couple of minutes he spoke, “This is what you want? Just one night? Sex, no strings?” I nodded, not taking my face from its nice little hiding place; I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. He rolled suddenly so I was under him again. “You know I want more than that, don’t you?”
My eyes widened in surprise. Was he about to say yes? “I can’t give you more than that,” I whispered in answer. His eyes fluttered closed as he sighed. I waited, feeling hope building in my chest. When his eyes opened again, they burned with a passion that made my stomach twist into a knot. After a slight nod of his head, his lips claimed mine in a scorching hot kiss that resonated through every single cell in my body.
I whimpered as the excitement became almost too much to bear. I smiled against his lips as my hands hurriedly went to his belt buckle. My fingers were shaking, making the process hard as I unfastened the buttons on his jeans and pushed them down slightly, sliding my hand down the back of his underwear, feeling his tight little behind. A moan of appreciation left my lips as the kiss deepened and turned into something that burned through my senses, leaving me barely able to breathe.
As he unfastened my bra and slid it off, his heavily-lidded eyes showed his appreciation. “You are so beautiful, Anna,” he whispered, dipping his head and flicking his tongue over the tip of my nipple. I moaned and arched my back, trying to get closer to him as his tongue lavished attention on my sensitive skin. He smiled and blew gently across the wet trail, making my skin tighten and my arousal bump up another notch.
While his hands worked the buttons of my shorts and pushed them down, his mouth travelled further down, sucking on the skin of my stomach, dipping into my belly button. His weight shifted off of me as his thumbs hooked into the side of my panties, easing them down my thighs teasingly. His hot tongue made its way down my leg before coming back up again. He nudged my thighs apart as he settled himself between them and looked up at me with a devilish glint to his eyes.
He moved to sit up again, so I pushed him back down, leaving my hands on his shoulders. I needed to explain before this went any further, he needed to understand and agree to it before this could happen. “I just want you for tonight, that’s all. Tomorrow we pretend like this never happened,” I offered, biting my lip, begging him with my eyes to accept.
He frowned. His expression was like I’d just slapped him in the face. He looked both hurt and shocked. “Anna, what? I don’t want to pretend that it never happened.”
My heart sank. “Please?” I begged. “I need you. Ever since that first time we were together, I just can’t stop thinking about it. Sex, no strings, one night, I’ll do whatever you want. It’s your birthday, so you name it and I’ll do it,” I bargained as I ran my fingertips down his chest.
“Anna, I don’t just want you for one night.” His voice was a little strained and the sad tone of it made my heart ache.
“I just want to make myself happy, just for one night. I promise I won’t feel guilty about it tomorrow and get upset. I promise, please?” I leant down so our faces were inches apart. Indecision was clear across his face. “Please? I want you and I know you want me too. Just for tonight?”
“Tell me why you won’t let me in,” he said suddenly. “Try and explain it to me.” His eyes searched mine for answers that I myself didn’t even know.
I blinked, a little shocked at his request and the sudden change in conversation. I sighed, feeling dejected. Clearly my request was ruining the easy relationship we had. I shouldn’t have wished to be happy, even for one night, because I obviously didn’t deserve it.
“I just… can’t. I let Jack in and when he died, it killed me inside. I’m broken. I don’t have anything to give you. Jack took all of me when he died,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I knew that wasn’t true though, Jack didn’t take everything, I thought for the longest time that he had, but since I’d met Ashton, I’d started to feel again. I couldn’t be dead inside because I could feel the tug at my heart when Ashton looked at me just as he was looking at me now: pleading and hurt. I wanted to make him feel better; it was almost painful to see that look on his face. So that was how I knew that my heart didn’t die when Jack did. The trouble was, I couldn’t let Ashton have my heart. I couldn’t feel heartbreak again; I wouldn’t live through it a second time. I wasn’t strong enough to go through another man leaving me; I couldn’t open myself up like that again. But I could give myself to him physically and give us what we both wanted.
“But if you could just give me a chance…” He looked at me pleadingly, begging me with his sad puppy dog face.
I shook my head fiercely. “No. I’ve been there and felt what it’s like to have your heart ripped out. I won’t ever let myself get in that position again, not ever. I can’t.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But I just want to feel happy for one night. I want to be normal and not worry about anything or anyone. Please? Will you just… make me forget everything, Ashton?” I begged.
I could feel the disappointment and devastation building inside with each passing second. Tears welled in my eyes as I pressed my face into the side of his neck, willing them not to fall as I breathed in his smell that I was fast becoming addicted to. His arms wrapped tightly around me and hugged me to him while I fought for control.
After a couple of minutes he spoke, “This is what you want? Just one night? Sex, no strings?” I nodded, not taking my face from its nice little hiding place; I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. He rolled suddenly so I was under him again. “You know I want more than that, don’t you?”
My eyes widened in surprise. Was he about to say yes? “I can’t give you more than that,” I whispered in answer. His eyes fluttered closed as he sighed. I waited, feeling hope building in my chest. When his eyes opened again, they burned with a passion that made my stomach twist into a knot. After a slight nod of his head, his lips claimed mine in a scorching hot kiss that resonated through every single cell in my body.
I whimpered as the excitement became almost too much to bear. I smiled against his lips as my hands hurriedly went to his belt buckle. My fingers were shaking, making the process hard as I unfastened the buttons on his jeans and pushed them down slightly, sliding my hand down the back of his underwear, feeling his tight little behind. A moan of appreciation left my lips as the kiss deepened and turned into something that burned through my senses, leaving me barely able to breathe.
As he unfastened my bra and slid it off, his heavily-lidded eyes showed his appreciation. “You are so beautiful, Anna,” he whispered, dipping his head and flicking his tongue over the tip of my nipple. I moaned and arched my back, trying to get closer to him as his tongue lavished attention on my sensitive skin. He smiled and blew gently across the wet trail, making my skin tighten and my arousal bump up another notch.
While his hands worked the buttons of my shorts and pushed them down, his mouth travelled further down, sucking on the skin of my stomach, dipping into my belly button. His weight shifted off of me as his thumbs hooked into the side of my panties, easing them down my thighs teasingly. His hot tongue made its way down my leg before coming back up again. He nudged my thighs apart as he settled himself between them and looked up at me with a devilish glint to his eyes.
