Nothing Left to Lose
Page 86
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“Thank you for an incredible night, Anna.”
I smiled. It had been incredible, and I was glad he’d had a nice time too.
He sighed, tracing his finger across my cheek. “I like it when you smile. Your whole face lights up.” His hand dropped from my face as he nodded over his shoulder towards the bedroom door. “Go get changed, I’ll check the windows and stuff.”
Once in the privacy of the bedroom, I shrugged out of my clothes and into a pair of pyjamas, and then used a wipe to remove my make-up. When I was ready for bed, I sat down on the corner of the mattress and looked at my photo of Jack on my bedside cabinet. I sighed; I just didn’t know what to feel anymore. I didn’t want to go back to the life I used to have before Ashton. I was enjoying college, I loved my classes, the people here were nice and made me laugh, and of course, I had Ashton. He made my life easier. He was great. Actually, he was really great, and he made me happy.
My gaze locked on my fifteen-year-old carefree face in the photo; I was smiling so happily with Jack. I hadn’t ever expected to feel happy again after what happened, but I just couldn’t help it lately. There was just something about Ashton. He was slowly fixing me, I could feel it. The trouble was though that I actually felt guilty for letting him. My head was telling me that I should stay the broken girl that walked through life alone, that I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy after what had happened to Jack and that he’d died because of me. But my heart was telling me that I was being irrational and that just because he was gone, didn’t mean that my life had to be over.
I just didn’t know the answer anymore. Everything that I knew and was absolutely sure about before I met Ashton was now a little fuzzy and confusing.
Behind me, the bedroom door opened, and he walked in with a smile on his face that made my heart stutter – which, in turn, made me feel even guiltier because I just didn’t have any control over my body at all anymore. I hated that. Control was something that Carter had taken away from me, and I’d fought with everything I had in me to regain it. But Ashton took it with just one of his smiles.
He smiled and started stripping off his clothes while I just stood there watching him unashamedly. Why is every move he makes so freaking sexy? My eyes took in every inch of him. His body was amazing; I’d never seen anything like it. Jack’s body had been nice because he'd been captain of the football team, but it was nothing like Ashton’s. Ashton was just flawless, not too much muscle but clearly defined, and wasn’t too bumpy to lie on comfortably. When he started unbuttoning his jeans, I had to look away, because my body was starting to long for things that I shouldn’t and couldn’t have.
When he picked up the spare blanket and started walking towards the sofa bed, the words tumbled from my mouth before I could stop them. “Will you sleep with me again tonight?” I winced, turning and climbing into the bed as my face flamed with heat. I hated the fact that I wanted his presence around me all the time.
“You want me to?”
I nodded in response, flopping down onto my front and burying my face into the pillow. Moments later, the bed dipped next to me. I turned to the side and smiled gratefully as I scooted closer to him, melting against him and pressing my face into the side of his neck as his arms circled around me. I loved him touching me, everywhere he touched, my body would tingle. His attention made me feel special and needed. At times like this, with his arms looped around me tightly, I pretended that he really was my boyfriend instead of just doing his job. I pretended that he really did want me and that he saw past the broken, dirty and used girl, to see the real me inside. The girl that I didn’t let anyone else see.
“Ashton?” I mumbled against his skin, half asleep already.
“Mmm?”
“That was the best date I’ve ever had,” I admitted.
His arms tightened around me, pulling me impossibly closer. “Good.”
Chapter Nineteen
Six weeks passed in a blur of school, drawing, laughing and flirting. The days and weeks passed so fast that I could barely keep up; somehow, Ashton made every day seem better than the last. He was always sweet and kind and considerate, always had something to talk about, or some way to make me laugh. He would kiss me occasionally, making me yearn for him so badly at times that I swore it would kill me soon. Every time it would be him that broke off the kiss first and not the other way around. Another thing that had changed in the last six weeks: I no longer slept alone. I gave up fighting the fact that I liked his hugs way too much, and in the end just suggested that we forgo the sofa bed in favour of sharing. So far it had worked out perfectly and I revelled waking each morning being wrapped up tightly in his arms.
Of course, Ashton was doing his job perfectly. I no longer had problems with guys hitting on me because he was the perfect, little, possessive boyfriend when someone got too close to me. Our ‘relationship’ was blossoming too. Every Friday we would go out for date night, going to different places like the movies, dinners or walks in the park. It was lovely. Another thing that was in our routine now was the shooting range and with each passing session it seemed to affect me less and less. I still hadn’t gotten a better shot though, much to his amusement.
We were hanging out with our group of friends a lot too. Usually every Saturday, we would go to a bar or a party or something. Rosie was my favourite; she was adorable and funny and our personalities seemed to click instantly. I was even getting more comfortable with the guys of the group too, so much so that when Tim put his hand on my shoulder whilst laughing one night, I didn’t even freak out and want to break it. I owed everything to Ashton, if he wasn’t here I would still be an aggressive, quivering wreck.
I smiled. It had been incredible, and I was glad he’d had a nice time too.
He sighed, tracing his finger across my cheek. “I like it when you smile. Your whole face lights up.” His hand dropped from my face as he nodded over his shoulder towards the bedroom door. “Go get changed, I’ll check the windows and stuff.”
Once in the privacy of the bedroom, I shrugged out of my clothes and into a pair of pyjamas, and then used a wipe to remove my make-up. When I was ready for bed, I sat down on the corner of the mattress and looked at my photo of Jack on my bedside cabinet. I sighed; I just didn’t know what to feel anymore. I didn’t want to go back to the life I used to have before Ashton. I was enjoying college, I loved my classes, the people here were nice and made me laugh, and of course, I had Ashton. He made my life easier. He was great. Actually, he was really great, and he made me happy.
My gaze locked on my fifteen-year-old carefree face in the photo; I was smiling so happily with Jack. I hadn’t ever expected to feel happy again after what happened, but I just couldn’t help it lately. There was just something about Ashton. He was slowly fixing me, I could feel it. The trouble was though that I actually felt guilty for letting him. My head was telling me that I should stay the broken girl that walked through life alone, that I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy after what had happened to Jack and that he’d died because of me. But my heart was telling me that I was being irrational and that just because he was gone, didn’t mean that my life had to be over.
I just didn’t know the answer anymore. Everything that I knew and was absolutely sure about before I met Ashton was now a little fuzzy and confusing.
Behind me, the bedroom door opened, and he walked in with a smile on his face that made my heart stutter – which, in turn, made me feel even guiltier because I just didn’t have any control over my body at all anymore. I hated that. Control was something that Carter had taken away from me, and I’d fought with everything I had in me to regain it. But Ashton took it with just one of his smiles.
He smiled and started stripping off his clothes while I just stood there watching him unashamedly. Why is every move he makes so freaking sexy? My eyes took in every inch of him. His body was amazing; I’d never seen anything like it. Jack’s body had been nice because he'd been captain of the football team, but it was nothing like Ashton’s. Ashton was just flawless, not too much muscle but clearly defined, and wasn’t too bumpy to lie on comfortably. When he started unbuttoning his jeans, I had to look away, because my body was starting to long for things that I shouldn’t and couldn’t have.
When he picked up the spare blanket and started walking towards the sofa bed, the words tumbled from my mouth before I could stop them. “Will you sleep with me again tonight?” I winced, turning and climbing into the bed as my face flamed with heat. I hated the fact that I wanted his presence around me all the time.
“You want me to?”
I nodded in response, flopping down onto my front and burying my face into the pillow. Moments later, the bed dipped next to me. I turned to the side and smiled gratefully as I scooted closer to him, melting against him and pressing my face into the side of his neck as his arms circled around me. I loved him touching me, everywhere he touched, my body would tingle. His attention made me feel special and needed. At times like this, with his arms looped around me tightly, I pretended that he really was my boyfriend instead of just doing his job. I pretended that he really did want me and that he saw past the broken, dirty and used girl, to see the real me inside. The girl that I didn’t let anyone else see.
“Ashton?” I mumbled against his skin, half asleep already.
“Mmm?”
“That was the best date I’ve ever had,” I admitted.
His arms tightened around me, pulling me impossibly closer. “Good.”
Chapter Nineteen
Six weeks passed in a blur of school, drawing, laughing and flirting. The days and weeks passed so fast that I could barely keep up; somehow, Ashton made every day seem better than the last. He was always sweet and kind and considerate, always had something to talk about, or some way to make me laugh. He would kiss me occasionally, making me yearn for him so badly at times that I swore it would kill me soon. Every time it would be him that broke off the kiss first and not the other way around. Another thing that had changed in the last six weeks: I no longer slept alone. I gave up fighting the fact that I liked his hugs way too much, and in the end just suggested that we forgo the sofa bed in favour of sharing. So far it had worked out perfectly and I revelled waking each morning being wrapped up tightly in his arms.
Of course, Ashton was doing his job perfectly. I no longer had problems with guys hitting on me because he was the perfect, little, possessive boyfriend when someone got too close to me. Our ‘relationship’ was blossoming too. Every Friday we would go out for date night, going to different places like the movies, dinners or walks in the park. It was lovely. Another thing that was in our routine now was the shooting range and with each passing session it seemed to affect me less and less. I still hadn’t gotten a better shot though, much to his amusement.
We were hanging out with our group of friends a lot too. Usually every Saturday, we would go to a bar or a party or something. Rosie was my favourite; she was adorable and funny and our personalities seemed to click instantly. I was even getting more comfortable with the guys of the group too, so much so that when Tim put his hand on my shoulder whilst laughing one night, I didn’t even freak out and want to break it. I owed everything to Ashton, if he wasn’t here I would still be an aggressive, quivering wreck.
