Nothing Left to Lose
Page 91
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I dropped my eyes to the floor and stood there in silence. Ashton didn’t even glance at me, well, at least I didn’t think he did, but I didn’t dare raise my eyes to him in case he caught me looking. The car ride to school was silent too. When he came around my side of the car to open my door for me, he didn’t take my hand like he usually did.
I gulped, hating the change in routine. I was missing his contact, missing his presence at my side. Even though he was still there, it felt like he was too far away from me. He sat next to me in classes, not speaking to me apart from when he asked to borrow my pencil sharpener. My stomach was really hurting now. I felt incredibly rejected and lost without him being his usual self. Every time I looked at him, he would smile weakly at me, but it didn’t reach his eyes, it wasn’t a real smile. I hated those smiles with a passion.
At the end of our morning classes, I threw my stuff roughly into my bag, not caring if my sketches got ruined or my pencils spilled from their cases. I was getting angry; I hated this cold, distant guy. I needed the old Ashton back, the one that could make me feel better in an instant by smiling or saying something silly, or flirting his butt off with me. I’d ruined everything for a quick thrill, and I hated myself for it.
I followed him down to the cafeteria, buying a sandwich and plopping down at our table of friends, making sure to choose a seat that was a couple of spaces away from him, knowing he would hate it.
“Anna, why don’t you come sit next to me?” he suggested politely, but looking at me with a small warning gesture.
“I’m fine here, thank you, Ashton,” I replied, using his name as he’d done to me. He hardly ever used my name, and it hurt my insides that he was doing it now. I turned away from him to talk to Rosie.
She raised one eyebrow in question. “Trouble in paradise?”
I sighed. What was I supposed to say to that? ‘Yeah, he’s just pissed because I finally let him touch me last night, and then refused to speak to him this morning.’ I had a feeling that wouldn’t go down remarkably well.
I shrugged. “I guess.”
A frown lined her forehead. “You two are perfect for each other! What’s happened? He can’t have cheated on you; I’ve never even seen him look at another girl, not once,” she shook her head sternly.
I smiled sadly. “No, nothing like that. It’s just little things at home, that’s all.” I picked my sandwich apart, not hungry in the slightest.
Ashton leant over Rich so he could talk to me. “Anna, want to go for a walk before next class?”
I shook my head quickly. “No thanks. I really need to talk to Rosie about something,” I lied, looking at her pleadingly. She nodded in confirmation, helping me out, but looking a little uncomfortable because of it.
“Anna, please?” he asked.
I huffed angrily and dropped my ruined food into the carton. Why can’t he just let me have some time? “Ashton, for goodness’ sake, I said I need to talk to Rosie about something. Why don’t you go do something with the guys?” I snapped.
He recoiled instantly, and a hurt expression spread across his face. Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach. I hated being a bitch to him. This wasn’t his fault, it was mine. He hadn’t done anything wrong; this was my problem and my mistake.
I sighed and stood up, walking over to his side. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Maybe we should go for a walk,” I agreed, looking anywhere but him because I didn’t want to see the hurt on his face. Wordlessly, he stood up and followed behind me, putting his hand on the small of my back as we walked past a group of rowdy guys.
As we got outside, I instantly headed towards the picnic benches out the front, sitting down and staring at the sky. It was a really nice day, the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and the clouds were white and fluffy, but it could have been raining for all I cared at the moment.
Instead of sitting next to me, he squatted down in front of me, putting his hands on my knees. “Anna,” he said quietly, trying to get my attention. My heart was racing. I had no idea what to say to him. I reluctantly dragged my eyes to meet his and saw what I hadn’t wanted to see there all morning: hurt and confusion. “Anna, talk to me. Don’t shut me out like this, please, I can’t stand it,” he begged.
My chin trembled as my emotions threatened to boil over. I fought desperately to keep them in check and not break down and weep. “I don’t know what to say,” I admitted weakly. “I guess I should say that I’m sorry. I should say that I shouldn’t have done that last night and that I won’t do it again. But I don’t want to say that. I’m not sorry. I enjoyed it.” I frowned, not knowing how to express this conflict that was going on inside me. I decided to tell him the truth – well, half of it at least. I figured it was best to leave out the fact that I was frightened to death that he’d break my heart. I took a deep breath before I spoke, “Look, I like you. You are the sexiest damn thing I have ever seen, and I want you so badly that it hurts sometimes. I’ve never wanted anyone the way that I want you, not even Jack. But the fact is that I love Jack, and I shouldn’t be doing this when I’m not over him. And the thing that is tearing me up inside is that I know I’ll never be over him,” I winced, dreading his reaction. This was the first time I’d ever let him into my messed-up head. Maybe this would send him running from me. He’d finally see how screwed up I was and he’d bolt.
I gulped, hating the change in routine. I was missing his contact, missing his presence at my side. Even though he was still there, it felt like he was too far away from me. He sat next to me in classes, not speaking to me apart from when he asked to borrow my pencil sharpener. My stomach was really hurting now. I felt incredibly rejected and lost without him being his usual self. Every time I looked at him, he would smile weakly at me, but it didn’t reach his eyes, it wasn’t a real smile. I hated those smiles with a passion.
At the end of our morning classes, I threw my stuff roughly into my bag, not caring if my sketches got ruined or my pencils spilled from their cases. I was getting angry; I hated this cold, distant guy. I needed the old Ashton back, the one that could make me feel better in an instant by smiling or saying something silly, or flirting his butt off with me. I’d ruined everything for a quick thrill, and I hated myself for it.
I followed him down to the cafeteria, buying a sandwich and plopping down at our table of friends, making sure to choose a seat that was a couple of spaces away from him, knowing he would hate it.
“Anna, why don’t you come sit next to me?” he suggested politely, but looking at me with a small warning gesture.
“I’m fine here, thank you, Ashton,” I replied, using his name as he’d done to me. He hardly ever used my name, and it hurt my insides that he was doing it now. I turned away from him to talk to Rosie.
She raised one eyebrow in question. “Trouble in paradise?”
I sighed. What was I supposed to say to that? ‘Yeah, he’s just pissed because I finally let him touch me last night, and then refused to speak to him this morning.’ I had a feeling that wouldn’t go down remarkably well.
I shrugged. “I guess.”
A frown lined her forehead. “You two are perfect for each other! What’s happened? He can’t have cheated on you; I’ve never even seen him look at another girl, not once,” she shook her head sternly.
I smiled sadly. “No, nothing like that. It’s just little things at home, that’s all.” I picked my sandwich apart, not hungry in the slightest.
Ashton leant over Rich so he could talk to me. “Anna, want to go for a walk before next class?”
I shook my head quickly. “No thanks. I really need to talk to Rosie about something,” I lied, looking at her pleadingly. She nodded in confirmation, helping me out, but looking a little uncomfortable because of it.
“Anna, please?” he asked.
I huffed angrily and dropped my ruined food into the carton. Why can’t he just let me have some time? “Ashton, for goodness’ sake, I said I need to talk to Rosie about something. Why don’t you go do something with the guys?” I snapped.
He recoiled instantly, and a hurt expression spread across his face. Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach. I hated being a bitch to him. This wasn’t his fault, it was mine. He hadn’t done anything wrong; this was my problem and my mistake.
I sighed and stood up, walking over to his side. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Maybe we should go for a walk,” I agreed, looking anywhere but him because I didn’t want to see the hurt on his face. Wordlessly, he stood up and followed behind me, putting his hand on the small of my back as we walked past a group of rowdy guys.
As we got outside, I instantly headed towards the picnic benches out the front, sitting down and staring at the sky. It was a really nice day, the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and the clouds were white and fluffy, but it could have been raining for all I cared at the moment.
Instead of sitting next to me, he squatted down in front of me, putting his hands on my knees. “Anna,” he said quietly, trying to get my attention. My heart was racing. I had no idea what to say to him. I reluctantly dragged my eyes to meet his and saw what I hadn’t wanted to see there all morning: hurt and confusion. “Anna, talk to me. Don’t shut me out like this, please, I can’t stand it,” he begged.
My chin trembled as my emotions threatened to boil over. I fought desperately to keep them in check and not break down and weep. “I don’t know what to say,” I admitted weakly. “I guess I should say that I’m sorry. I should say that I shouldn’t have done that last night and that I won’t do it again. But I don’t want to say that. I’m not sorry. I enjoyed it.” I frowned, not knowing how to express this conflict that was going on inside me. I decided to tell him the truth – well, half of it at least. I figured it was best to leave out the fact that I was frightened to death that he’d break my heart. I took a deep breath before I spoke, “Look, I like you. You are the sexiest damn thing I have ever seen, and I want you so badly that it hurts sometimes. I’ve never wanted anyone the way that I want you, not even Jack. But the fact is that I love Jack, and I shouldn’t be doing this when I’m not over him. And the thing that is tearing me up inside is that I know I’ll never be over him,” I winced, dreading his reaction. This was the first time I’d ever let him into my messed-up head. Maybe this would send him running from me. He’d finally see how screwed up I was and he’d bolt.
