Nova and Quinton: No Regrets
Page 9

After thinking about what I really want to do for the night, I end up getting my cell phone out and texting Quinton.
Me: I saw something really interesting today.
Quinton: Let me guess. A purple dog.
Me: What kind of response is that???
Quinton: With you, it seems like a reasonable response.
Me: Hardy-fucking-har, u r soooo hilarious.
Quinton: I think that might be the first time I’ve ever heard you use the word f**king. It seems… unnatural.
Me: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Is that more natural now?
Quinton: No. Now it’s just making me think of f**k and you.
I pause, staring down at the screen, wondering if he meant that as dirty as it reads. He’s usually so careful with his comments, making sure to never get too flirty. It’s completely sidetracked me from telling him about the filming project. But maybe it’s better I don’t say anything about it to him, so I don’t either set something off or worry him that I’m going to leave. Although I’m not that confident in our relation… friendship… whatever it is, that I know for sure he’d even care if I took off for a while.
Quinton: Sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out that way. It sounded really dirty, didn’t it?
Me: No, it’s okay. And I figured u didn’t mean it.
I’m glad you said it. That’s what I really wish I could type. But I don’t because I’m not brave enough, nor do I think Quinton is ready for anything like that.
Me: Off the subject, but how have things been going with that Wilson guy and those meetings?
Quinton: Okay, I guess. It’s nice to hear someone talk about stuff that I’ve been through. I haven’t really talked to him much personally, but I think I might want to one day.
Me: You should. Talking to Lea helped me deal with Landon’s death a lot, since she’d been through something similar with her father.
Quinton: Can I ask you a really weird question?
Me: You can always ask me anything.
Quinton: I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable… it’s about Landon…
Me: I’m fine. In fact, I sometimes like talking about him because then I know I’m not forgetting him.
Quinton: U think it’s important not to forget, even if remembering is hard?
Me: I think remembering is important but you need to get to a place where it’s not so hard to remember and maybe even therapeutic.
Quinton: Yeah, I guess that sort of makes sense… I’m going to ask you that weird question now… please don’t hate me, but I really just want to understand something.
Me: I never could hate you, so ask away.
Quinton: Yeah, we’ll see… do you, I don’t know, ever feel guilty about Landon’s death?
I pause. I once told him I did, but I guess he was too high to remember. I also remember that he didn’t really want to hear it, which makes me wonder how much he’s changing if he wants to hear it now.
Me: Yeah, I used to. Not really anymore. I mean, I do have days when I overthink it and I feel shitty all over again, but it’s not as hard as it was when it first happened. Back then, I nearly went crazy thinking about all the things I could have done to save him… it was really bad that summer I spent getting high. And honestly, I kind of felt that guilt again this summer… it’s part of the reason why I wanted to help you so much… to make up for not helping Landon.
I push send, but when he doesn’t respond right away, I think maybe I shared a little too much—I’m never sure with him. But then my phone beeps.
Quinton: And how do you feel now? I mean, do u still feel the need to save people?
I can’t help but think about the film project again. While it wouldn’t necessarily be saving anyone, it could help people realize that they’re not alone in this world, which I feel is important. I remember when Landon died and how no one seemed to really talk about it and I felt really alone, confused, and just plain lost. But perhaps if I’d had Lea earlier on, I wouldn’t have fallen so fast and so hard.
Me: Yeah, but not in the helpless obsession sense. I still volunteer at the helpline sometimes and that helps. Plus, you’re okay so that makes me sort of happy.
Quinton: I want to stay okay, but sometimes it’s hard, you know. Especially when I really start thinking about stuff.
Me: I know it can get really difficult sometimes, but I know you can do it.
Quinton: Why, though? Why have you always had so much faith in me when you barely know me?
Me: I think I know you more than you think I do. And I think that you’re going to be okay because you’re working on being okay. If you were still running away from the problem, then I’d feel different.
Quinton: I hope you’re right.
Me: I’m always right and the sooner you realize that the easier things will be. J/k ;)
Quinton: You’re so goofy sometimes.
Me: Thanks :)
Quinton: It’s actually one of my favorite things about you.
I smile to myself as I type.
Me: Want to know one of my favorite things about you?
It takes him a moment to respond.
Quinton: Sure.
Me: That you’re a good, strong person.
Quinton: Are you sure u know who you’re talking to?
Me: Yeah, the person who was good to me when I was in such a vulnerable place. The person who managed to pull himself away from a life of addiction. That takes strength, my friend.
Quinton: It takes weakness to get to that place to begin with. To walk away from my life like that. Give up everything instead of being strong and actually just facing my problems. I wish I could be stronger and face them now. And I wish I hadn’t given up everything.
Me: You’ll get there. It’ll just take time. Facing the hard stuff is… well, hard. And as for giving everything up, you can still get it back. You just have to know what you want and work toward getting it.
Quinton: But I’m not sure what I want exactly. I know I like helping people and everything. It keeps me busy and makes me feel like I’m giving stuff back. But other than that, I don’t know what I want to do. Draw and paint, yeah, but that’s not a whole hell of a lot.
Me: Sure it is. U just have to do it.
Quinton: I don’t even know what to draw anymore. All my sketches and paintings over the last couple of years have been trippy. I want to draw things that mean something. I want to draw things that I can put passion into. Like life. Happiness. Sadness. Pain. I want to draw stuff that’s important to me… I want to draw you, too. And not from how I see you in my head. I want to draw you in front of me. Every line. Every inch of you.
Before I have time to react to the text, another one comes in.
Me: I’m sorry if that last text made u uncomfortable. I’m blaming it on the fact that Greg made me share way too much today and broke me down I think.
I take a deep breath, thinking about what it would be like for him to draw me like he described. I remember when Landon first sketched me: halfway through it, he kissed me for the first time. It was magical at the time and it’s heartbreaking to remember it now, but I wouldn’t want to forget how it felt for anything.
Me: I want u to draw me like that. In fact, I’m going to hold u to it and make u do it the next time I see u.
Jesus Christ. Did I seriously just text that? Wow. I can’t even breathe.
Quinton: I wish I could do it right now… see you right now… touch u right now.
My heart pitter-patters inside my chest and I have to suck in a huge breath when I realize I’ve been holding it. My initial response is to skirt around the conversation because of where it’s heading. But then I realize that it’s been a long time coming so I just go for it.
Me: I wish I could see you and touch you, too… I wish you were touching me. In fact, I think about it all the time.
My hands shake as I hit send.
Quinton: Nova you’re killing me right now. I swear to God. Now I’ve got pictures inside my head of us touching each other.
I shut my eyes and bite my lip as images appear inside my mind as well. How it felt when he ran his hands across my body. How his tongue tasted. How his tongue felt. How his fingers felt when they were in me. God, it’s been a long time.
Me: Good, because I do, too… do u remember that kiss we shared right after we got off the roller coaster last summer? It was our last kiss.
It takes him a moment to answer and I grow worried that maybe it was the wrong question to ask.
Quinton: I do. I should have never kissed u when I was like that.
Me: And I probably shouldn’t have kissed u when I knew u were like that, but at the same time, I’m glad u did. It made me realize a lot of stuff… how I feel about you. And how much I want to kiss u, over and over again.
Another pause and I start to feel stupid for being so forward. But then a message comes through.
Quinton: Nova, I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I don’t think I can take much more of this kind of talk with u. It makes me want to do things I’m not ready for. I’m seriously one step away from getting on a plane and flying over there so I can kiss u again—do a hell of a lot more than kiss. But I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet.
I restrain a grin. He said yet. Which means he’s thinking about us in the future sense. That has to be good, right? Part of me believes so, but the other part has to wonder how long is too long. What if the waiting goes on for years?
I shake the thought from my head, not ready to go there just yet. Not ready to give up hope yet.
Me: Okay, we can talk about something else. Anything u want.
Quinton: How about something to cool me off and settle me the f**k down. You’ve got me all riled up.
Me: Popsicles. Snowflakes. Icicles. Does that help?
Quinton: Lol, you are so crazy and I love it.
Me: Good. I’m glad because not a lot of people get me.
Quinton: I doubt that at all. Everyone loves u. I’m sure of it.
I want to ask him if he loves me, too, but I’m not even sure I’m ready for the answer, let alone if he’s ready to give me one. Even though I’ve let go of Landon for the most part, it still feels strange to think about loving someone again, but alarmingly exciting.
Quinton: I actually have a problem I’m trying to figure out. And since you’re a problem solver I thought u could maybe help.
Me: Of course. What’s up?
Quinton: Well, my dad’s moving to Virginia.
Me: What? Why?
Quinton: It’s for work. And he wants me to go but I don’t want to go.
Me: I think if u don’t want to go with him then don’t go. You’ve been through enough already and I think u should be focusing on getting better.
Quinton: But I worry about living by myself. Too much freedom for one thing.
Me: U could get a roommate. It’s hard to get into trouble when u have people watching u all the time. Like Lea. She’d kick my ass if I did anything.
Quinton: Yeah, but how would I know I was getting a good one? One that would help me stay out of trouble instead of get into trouble, because sometimes it’s hard to tell with people.
Me: I could come screen them for u. Break them down and discover all their secrets.
Quinton: I don’t think u would have to break them down. Knowing u, u would just start talking to them and they’d open up to u. U have that way about u.
Me: Everyone keeps saying that, but I don’t get why.
Quinton: U need to give yourself more credit. I’ve said more to u about the accident than I’ve told most people.
Me: U didn’t tell me much. In fact, u were furious when I told u the stuff I knew about the accident that I read on the Internet.
Quinton: I know.
There’s a long pause and the longer it goes on the more I think I might have lost him.
Me: R u there?
Quinton: Yeah… I was just trying to remember what I said to u… some of the stuff that went on in Vegas is a little hazy.
Me: I could tell u if u want me to, but honestly I figure what’s in the past is in the past.
Quinton: I wish it were that easy. That the things that happened in the past would just sort of fade away, but they don’t. I’m realizing that everything that happened… it’s going to stay with me forever.
Me: Although the memories won’t ever fade completely, they will eventually fade. I promise. And one day you’ll even be able to talk about what happened.
Quinton: I hope so. I want to be able to talk about it. Explain to u everything so that maybe you’ll understand how I ended up in that place. I don’t want u to always think of me like how I was in Vegas. Or even during that summer in Maple Grove. I want u to know the person that I sort of gave u a glimpse of while we were dancing in the gas station parking lot.
Me: U remember that???
Quinton: Yeah, that’s actually one of the clearer memories I have.
Me: Good. It was a good memory.
Quinton: Yeah but I was high. I feel like I should do a redo for u.
Me: U always could.
Quinton: Maybe one day.
Me: Yay :)
Me: And just so u know, I never thought of u as anything other than a person who had something really crappy happen to them that was completely out of their hands and you were just trying to find a way to survive through it. You’re not a bad person. U just made some mistakes but only because u were hurting.
Quinton: I don’t completely agree with u. Some of the stuff I did was because I was selfish. I didn’t want to stay in this world and live with the consequences of what I did.
Me: I wish I could hug u right now.
Quinton: God, I wish that too.
My phone grows silent as I try to figure out what to type next. What I want to do is put in all caps THAT’S IT. I HAVE TO COME SEE U. But he texts me before I get a chance.