“Deserve? Hell, I don’t even want a wedding. I’ll settle for a justice of the peace. Or Vegas. Let’s fly to Vegas and get married.”
He hesitated. For a second, I thought he was going to say yes, let’s do it. Then his face went still, eyes clouding and he reached for me, ignoring my struggles as he pulled me into a hug.
“I love you, Olivia. And I wish we could get married right now. Tonight. But your mother—”
“Which mother?”
The flash of anger again. “Don’t pull that, Liv. You know what I mean. I’m not going to start our marriage by upsetting your mother and doing something you’ll eventually regret. We’re going to wait.”
“Until when?”
“I don’t know. I have to—”
“—talk to Neil?”
“Olivia.” His tone was curt now. Losing patience. Damn it, why didn’t I understand?
I did understand. I understood that he could pretend nothing had changed. He could kiss me as if nothing had changed. He could say all the right things to convince me nothing had changed.
But act as if nothing had changed? No.
I wanted him to say he didn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thought. Didn’t care if it put his political future in jeopardy. He loved me and he was marrying me now or a month from now, as we planned.
That’s what I would do if the situation were reversed. To hell with the road of caution. I’d go my own way.
But he just stood there, frustrated and impatient. Wanting me to meekly accept his reasoning, tell him I understood. I’d go away and hide until this was over. Then I’d wait until he was ready to marry me.
Like hell.
“You want to save your political future? Here, let me help you.” I wrenched off the engagement ring and whipped it at him. “You’re free. Go find a sweet little wife and get yourself elected.”
“Olivia . . .”
I stalked to the door.
“Olivia!”
• • •
The cool night air slapped me so hard my eyes stung. I jogged until I reached the end of the garden walk.
The front door creaked open behind me.
“Olivia?”
I raced across the lawn. James’s sigh wafted across the quiet yard. Then he padded back into the house, leaving the door open. Getting his shoes. Because the grass might be wet and running after me in stocking feet was foolish.
I wouldn’t have stopped for shoes.
I circled back into the shadows beside the house and waited there, hidden. He came out, looked around, then jogged in the direction I’d been heading.
When he disappeared through the hedge, I exhaled and glanced toward the road. My cab was long gone. If I went out there, I’d have to face the reporters.
I really wasn’t in the mood to face more reporters.
But I wasn’t sticking around here, either.
As I shifted my purse, my keys jangled inside. Keys to my house. Keys to my gym locker. And keys to . . .
I glanced toward James’s bedroom window and remembered lying in his bed a month ago, as he handed me a garage key and a car fob. “Yes, I know you love mixing it up with your dad’s old cars, but I’d really like to see you in something with air bags, Liv. Take my car out a few times. If you like it, I’ll know what to get you for a wedding present.”
I’d never actually driven his car. It was a Volvo. Very nice but really not my style. Now, though . . .
I pulled out the keys and sneaked around the house to the garage.
CHAPTER NINE
I walked into O’Hare airport, stopped in front of the departures board, and thought, What the hell am I doing?
Honestly, I had no idea. I’d driven here on automatic and now, looking at the board, I think if I hadn’t been too late to catch a flight, I might have proceeded on autodrive and boarded one. Done exactly what James wanted. Fled Chicago.
What good would it do to lie low for a few weeks? I couldn’t escape this. I shouldn’t try. Now that I was alone, my adrenaline had plummeted, and all I could do was stare at the board and think now what?
I had no idea.
After I checked in to the airport hotel, I called Howard. I wasn’t surprised when it went straight to voice mail. I asked him to tell my mother that I needed some time to process all this. Please trust that I’d be fine and I’d call tomorrow.
I was heading to the elevators and saw a sign for the bar. I didn’t know if it would be open, but I considered checking. I’ve never drunk for the sake of getting drunk, but there’s a first time for everything. There was just one problem—I didn’t know how much alcohol it would take to pass out. That’s what I wanted really. Oblivion. For all I knew, I’d have a few drinks and drift off into nightmares.
Instead I went into the gift shop. Not many gifts in it—just lots of overpriced items for travelers, including over-the-counter sleeping pills. I bought a bottle, went up to my room, took a double dose, and prayed for a dreamless night.
I’d lived the first years of my life with Pamela and Todd Larsen. I’d been there at the heart of their killing spree. What living nightmares had been shoved deep into my subconscious, ready now to worm their way out when I surrendered to the deepest sleep?
Or dark desires. Deeply buried lusts and needs and fantasies, coming to the fore when my conscience slumbered. What did I—?
Nothing.
That night, I dreamed of nothing.
• • •
Even with the pills, I was up by six. I waited until seven to call my mother. I had my speech all rehearsed.
She didn’t answer her cell phone.
I hung up and told myself I’d call back in an hour. I lasted five minutes. I got her voice mail again and spilled my speech onto it instead.
I told her I’d decided to stay away for a while. For her sake. I knew how hard this would be on her and I didn’t want to put her through even more by hanging around. I’d stay away until things died down. I didn’t know what I’d do or where I’d go, but I’d figure out something.
That last part hadn’t been part of the rehearsal. Even as I spoke the words, I felt ashamed of myself. It didn’t sound strong. It sounded like a little girl, desperately hoping for Mummy to call back and tell her not to be silly. I belonged at home. With her. We’d handle this together.
Two minutes after I hung up, my phone rang. I hit the answer button so fast, it didn’t connect and I had to hit it again.
He hesitated. For a second, I thought he was going to say yes, let’s do it. Then his face went still, eyes clouding and he reached for me, ignoring my struggles as he pulled me into a hug.
“I love you, Olivia. And I wish we could get married right now. Tonight. But your mother—”
“Which mother?”
The flash of anger again. “Don’t pull that, Liv. You know what I mean. I’m not going to start our marriage by upsetting your mother and doing something you’ll eventually regret. We’re going to wait.”
“Until when?”
“I don’t know. I have to—”
“—talk to Neil?”
“Olivia.” His tone was curt now. Losing patience. Damn it, why didn’t I understand?
I did understand. I understood that he could pretend nothing had changed. He could kiss me as if nothing had changed. He could say all the right things to convince me nothing had changed.
But act as if nothing had changed? No.
I wanted him to say he didn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thought. Didn’t care if it put his political future in jeopardy. He loved me and he was marrying me now or a month from now, as we planned.
That’s what I would do if the situation were reversed. To hell with the road of caution. I’d go my own way.
But he just stood there, frustrated and impatient. Wanting me to meekly accept his reasoning, tell him I understood. I’d go away and hide until this was over. Then I’d wait until he was ready to marry me.
Like hell.
“You want to save your political future? Here, let me help you.” I wrenched off the engagement ring and whipped it at him. “You’re free. Go find a sweet little wife and get yourself elected.”
“Olivia . . .”
I stalked to the door.
“Olivia!”
• • •
The cool night air slapped me so hard my eyes stung. I jogged until I reached the end of the garden walk.
The front door creaked open behind me.
“Olivia?”
I raced across the lawn. James’s sigh wafted across the quiet yard. Then he padded back into the house, leaving the door open. Getting his shoes. Because the grass might be wet and running after me in stocking feet was foolish.
I wouldn’t have stopped for shoes.
I circled back into the shadows beside the house and waited there, hidden. He came out, looked around, then jogged in the direction I’d been heading.
When he disappeared through the hedge, I exhaled and glanced toward the road. My cab was long gone. If I went out there, I’d have to face the reporters.
I really wasn’t in the mood to face more reporters.
But I wasn’t sticking around here, either.
As I shifted my purse, my keys jangled inside. Keys to my house. Keys to my gym locker. And keys to . . .
I glanced toward James’s bedroom window and remembered lying in his bed a month ago, as he handed me a garage key and a car fob. “Yes, I know you love mixing it up with your dad’s old cars, but I’d really like to see you in something with air bags, Liv. Take my car out a few times. If you like it, I’ll know what to get you for a wedding present.”
I’d never actually driven his car. It was a Volvo. Very nice but really not my style. Now, though . . .
I pulled out the keys and sneaked around the house to the garage.
CHAPTER NINE
I walked into O’Hare airport, stopped in front of the departures board, and thought, What the hell am I doing?
Honestly, I had no idea. I’d driven here on automatic and now, looking at the board, I think if I hadn’t been too late to catch a flight, I might have proceeded on autodrive and boarded one. Done exactly what James wanted. Fled Chicago.
What good would it do to lie low for a few weeks? I couldn’t escape this. I shouldn’t try. Now that I was alone, my adrenaline had plummeted, and all I could do was stare at the board and think now what?
I had no idea.
After I checked in to the airport hotel, I called Howard. I wasn’t surprised when it went straight to voice mail. I asked him to tell my mother that I needed some time to process all this. Please trust that I’d be fine and I’d call tomorrow.
I was heading to the elevators and saw a sign for the bar. I didn’t know if it would be open, but I considered checking. I’ve never drunk for the sake of getting drunk, but there’s a first time for everything. There was just one problem—I didn’t know how much alcohol it would take to pass out. That’s what I wanted really. Oblivion. For all I knew, I’d have a few drinks and drift off into nightmares.
Instead I went into the gift shop. Not many gifts in it—just lots of overpriced items for travelers, including over-the-counter sleeping pills. I bought a bottle, went up to my room, took a double dose, and prayed for a dreamless night.
I’d lived the first years of my life with Pamela and Todd Larsen. I’d been there at the heart of their killing spree. What living nightmares had been shoved deep into my subconscious, ready now to worm their way out when I surrendered to the deepest sleep?
Or dark desires. Deeply buried lusts and needs and fantasies, coming to the fore when my conscience slumbered. What did I—?
Nothing.
That night, I dreamed of nothing.
• • •
Even with the pills, I was up by six. I waited until seven to call my mother. I had my speech all rehearsed.
She didn’t answer her cell phone.
I hung up and told myself I’d call back in an hour. I lasted five minutes. I got her voice mail again and spilled my speech onto it instead.
I told her I’d decided to stay away for a while. For her sake. I knew how hard this would be on her and I didn’t want to put her through even more by hanging around. I’d stay away until things died down. I didn’t know what I’d do or where I’d go, but I’d figure out something.
That last part hadn’t been part of the rehearsal. Even as I spoke the words, I felt ashamed of myself. It didn’t sound strong. It sounded like a little girl, desperately hoping for Mummy to call back and tell her not to be silly. I belonged at home. With her. We’d handle this together.
Two minutes after I hung up, my phone rang. I hit the answer button so fast, it didn’t connect and I had to hit it again.
