On Second Thought
Page 27

Let my fellow diners suck on that little tidbit. Granted, the sponge bath was one time, and it was more like a practice run (at Eric’s suggestion) in case he got so weak that I’d have to do it for real. We ended up playing Naughty Nurse. He could also chew on that for a minute.
“You were wonderful,” he admitted.
“Thank you, honey. In sickness and in health, right? In my mind, we’re as married as can be. You said the same thing. The paper is just a formality, you said.”
“Oh, sweetheart, my old boyfriend used that same line on me,” murmured a blonde woman to my left. “Right until he left me for his third cousin.”
I ignored her. Clearly, she and I had nothing in common. “Eric, I think you’re just...reacting. Nathan’s death has hit us all hard. But breaking up...no.”
It just would not be allowed. I would not allow it.
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. I...I knew you’d say that. I’m sorry, Ains. I really didn’t mean to hurt you, and I acknowledge that I have. That I am. I own that. But I need to start over. I need to go to Alaska.”
“Why? So you can be a crab fisherman?”
“I’m going to take three months and camp in Denali.”
“This from the man who can’t go outside after dark because of the mosquitoes. What about grizzly bears and wolves? You’ll be eaten within an hour.”
He smiled. “I need to change. I need to live life to the fullest. I was given a second chance. Nathan wasn’t. I can’t ignore that, Ainsley.”
“Well, you can’t break up with me, either.” I smiled firmly. “What about Ollie, huh? You can’t leave us.”
He smiled back sadly. His eyes, those brown eyes that I loved, were a little shiny.
I hate to break it to you, my brain said, but he looks like a man resolved.
My own eyes started to fill. “Eric,” I whispered. “I love you. I’ve loved you my entire adult life. If you need to go to Alaska, that’s fine! That’s great! I’ll go with you. Or not. Go and come back. But we...we love each other.”
He reached across the table, his hand so familiar on mine. “That was true.”
“It still is!”
“For you, maybe. But I have to do this. I know you think this is a knee-jerk reaction, but I’ve thought about this constantly since Nathan died, and the truth is, I haven’t been happy for a long time.”
That one stabbed me in the heart. Like a child telling his mother he doesn’t love her, even if she knows it’s not true. The words still sliced right through.
“I don’t believe you,” I whispered.
“It’s true. Our life is not the one I want.”
No, because who would want unconditional love and fun and friendship and happiness and security and great sex...and...and... My chest was hitching. “Then you’re an idiot,” I managed.
“You haven’t been happy, either. That job of yours doesn’t fulfill you. It’s a huge step-down from NBC. You complain about it all the time.”
I glanced at Jonathan. Sure, now he was listening. “But our life fulfills me,” I said to Eric. “I’m very happy. My job,” I added, lowering my voice, “will be fine until something better comes along.”
“But that’s the lesson of Nathan’s life! You might not get something better coming along!” He leaned forward, eyes intent on me. “Don’t you see, Ains?”
“No, I don’t see a damn thing! I repeat. You’re not thinking clearly. We should get married. It’s time. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m sorry to hurt you. I really am.”
“You did not invite me to this gorgeous dinner to dump my ass, Eric.”
“I thought, wrongly, that you wouldn’t make a scene here.”
“You want a scene? I’ll give you a scene! How can you do this to me? How can you be so selfish?”
“I guess you’re well rid of me, aren’t you?”
He’s not serious. He’ll rethink this. “I’m going to leave now,” I said. My throat felt like it was jammed with broken glass. “I’ll see you at home.”
“I’ll be at my parents’ house tonight.”
“Fine! By all means, go home to Mommy. Maybe she can talk some sense into you.”
“Again, Ainsley, I’m so sorry, and I’ll always be grateful you were my partner during my cancer journey.”
“Oh, shut up.”
I rose from the table and glanced at my lobster. Considered taking it with me. Decided it wouldn’t be a dignified exit if I had a crustacean clutched to my breast.
This wasn’t really happening. He couldn’t break up with me. We were special.
* * *
I spent a restless night, alternating between fury, confusion and the urge to drive to Greenwich and slap him silly. I also stomped through the house, with Ollie bouncing after me with his blanket, trying to find my engagement ring.
I didn’t find it. But I did open the box that contained every single card Eric had ever given me, every note, every funny little drawing.
The notes made my eyes spill over with tears. He loved me. I knew that. It was right there in black and white.
In the garage, I found a huge box from Eastern Mountain Sports, containing a tent, cooking gear, hiking boots, hiking socks, hiking shirts, hiking shorts, hiking hat. Eric was nothing if not a man addicted to gear, after all. There was a subzero sleeping bag, backpack and trekking poles (to ensure he’d look like a total ass if he did manage to get on a trail). There was even bear repellent.
So he was Cheryl Strayed now? Taking a hike to find himself? That was so last year!
I resisted the urge to burn everything camping-related, went inside and turned on our giant TV. Watched Game of Thrones, ate Wheat Thins dipped in Nutella (I should’ve taken that lobster, damn it) and tried to distract myself by lusting after Jon Snow, Ollie in my lap.
It didn’t work.
Tears leaked out of my eyes. This was the worst fight we’d ever had. Ever.
I was scared. In eleven years together, we’d never once talked about breaking up.
This had to be a blip on the screen of our life together. This wouldn’t last. He loved me. He loved our dog. He loved our life together. How many times had he told me that? A hundred? More?
But my heart seemed to be shivering.
I didn’t get much sleep that night.
Eric’s mother called me in the morning. “He’s here,” she said. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He’s being an idiot.”
There was a rattle in the background. “Are you making him pancakes?” I asked. Judy’s pancakes were the stuff of legend, and she made them every time we came for breakfast.
“He’s hungry. Here, Eric,” she said, her voice growing distant as she breasted the phone. Yes, I knew her that well. “There’s bacon. I’m on the phone with Ainsley, you know, Ainsley—” her voice came back louder “—the woman who loves you? Remember her? Ainsley, sweetheart, I want you to know that Aaron and I are completely ashamed at how our son has treated you.”
“I appreciate that.”
“It’s like he’s forgetting the most important person in his life,” she boomed. “Here’s the butter, honey. Quitting his job? A job that pays him that salary plus a Cadillac health-care program, plus that office and his nice secretary? And the gym, Ainsley! Right there in the building? The gym!” Judy had always been dazzled by Eric’s Wall Street office. “Not so much syrup, baby, it’s just sugar, you know. Anyway, we told him he was being a fool. Alaska! Who lives in Alaska? He’ll die in Alaska.”