The tears dripped down my cheeks, but I silently wiped them away in the dark. This wasn’t about me, and I didn’t want him to stop if he needed to get these things out.
“Or how about the farmer I killed that didn’t respond to warning shots, the one whose son later told us was deaf and mute? Should I be thanked for that?”
I could see how furious and heartsick he was, and I hated that I’d brought this on. “Yes,” I said firmly, although I continued to cry. “Because you’re brave and strong and you did what you were trained to do, what you had to do.”
“I used to think that too,” he said bitterly as he left the road and headed across the lawn for the barn, me following tight on his heels. “But did I have to do all those things? Did I have to kill innocent people? Is something wrong with me that after a while I was able to pull the trigger without feeling a fucking thing?”
We’d rounded the back of the barn when he suddenly spun around and faced me in the darkness. “Because I don’t, you know. Feel anything. I can’t.”
Both of us were breathing hard, and tears were still hot on my cheeks. I felt horrible. I’d ruined our last night together, but worse, I’d made him suffer. All I wanted now was to take that pain away.
I put my hands on his chest. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I’ll never be okay. You shouldn’t even be here with me.”
“Shhh,” I whispered, rising on tiptoe to kiss his lips. “I trust you.”
“You shouldn’t.” He dropped his forehead to mine, and moved forward, forcing me backward until I was pressed against the back of the barn. “You shouldn’t.”
For a fraction of a second, I was slightly nervous.
You don’t really know him.
Even sociopaths can like apple pie.
You let your hormones lead you into an unsafe situation.
But something deep inside me, some gut instinct I couldn’t name and didn’t even fully understand, had a voice too.
This wounded man is healing something in you.
Don’t give up on him.
Open your heart—you can feel enough for both of you.
A moment later, his lips were on mine, and my fears melted away inside his kiss.
Nineteen
Ryan
Take her home, I thought when I saw her tears. You’ve fucked everything up beyond reason already.
I’d lost my temper. Likely my job. Probably this whole new life I was trying to build for myself.
I’d have to move away again. Start over. And this time, I wouldn’t have Mack there to help me.
You don’t deserve his help. You’re a lost cause. And you certainly don’t deserve this woman’s trust.
But here she was. Soft and sweet and reaching for me. A safe place. A sanctuary.
I needed her. I needed her so badly it scared me—even if it was just for tonight.
She could make me feel good again. She could wrap me up in her warmth and her trust and her desire. She would take me inside her even after knowing who I really was.
And I needed to make her feel good too, to channel this hot pulsing rage in me toward something good, to hear her moan and sigh, to feel her fall apart around me, to know I wasn’t alone.
My hands were everywhere. In her hair, beneath her blouse, between her legs. They shoved my jacket from her shoulders. They fumbled frantically with the button and zipper on her jeans. I slid one down her underwear and moaned at the snug, slick warmth as my fingers slipped inside her.
She clung to me, kissed my lips, my jaw, my throat. She ran her hands inside my jacket, over my chest, around my lower back. She yanked my shirt from my jeans so she could feel my skin, and my stomach tightened at her touch. She slid her palm over the bulge at my crotch, moved it up and down over my cock, which strained at the zipper.
“I want my mouth on you,” she whispered at my ear before sucking my earlobe into her mouth, teasing it with her teeth and tongue. Her fingers traced the outline of my erection lingering at the tip. “I want to lick you like this. I want my tongue right here.”
“Fuck,” I growled, circling my wet fingertips over her clit, knowing if I didn’t get her off first, my dick would take over and all would be lost.
She began to writhe above my fingers. “Oh God,” she whispered. She clenched a fist in my shirt and turned her face to the side, her mouth falling open. I slid my fingers inside her again, and she rocked her hips over my hand, driving both of us closer to orgasm. A second later, she cried out and I nearly came in my pants at the sight of her climaxing in front of me.
As soon as she opened her eyes and looked at me, I undid my jeans and shoved them down, desperate to get inside her.
“Oh fuck,” I said, hating myself. “I didn’t bring anything.”
“That’s okay.” She dropped to her knees in front of me and freed my cock from its prison. “We don’t need one. And don’t worry …” Wrapping her hand tightly around my shaft, she circled the crown with one sweep of her tongue. “I know what oral sex is now.”
I groaned, my knees close to buckling. I put my hands on the wall behind her. Fuck yes she knew—I don’t know what books she’d started reading once she realized the truth, but Christ, she’d paid attention. She used her hands, her lips, her tongue. She licked and sucked and swirled and teased. She moaned like my dick was the best thing she’d ever tasted, and she told me she’d never imagined she’d be with anyone so big, so hard, so intimidating.
It was possibly bullshit. I definitely didn’t fucking care.
I was rough with her. I was too loud. I pulled her hair and forced her to look me in the eye, which she did—unabashedly, while moving her mouth up and down my cock so slowly I thought I was going to die. I held her head and fought the urge to fuck her mouth like the monster I was, then gave up, bracing my hands against the wall and thrusting with deep, vicious strokes between her perfect round lips. She grabbed my hips, took me to the back of her throat again and again and again. I watched it all, until my body reached the breaking point and my vision went starry and all that heat and tension exploded in hot, rhythmic bursts.
I don’t know how she didn’t choke.
She did gasp for air, however, as soon as I pulled out. “Holy shit,” she panted.
“Are you okay?” I asked, barely able to breathe myself, still propped up with my palms against the barn. I didn’t trust my legs not to give way.
“Yes.” She wiped her mouth with the back of one wrist. “More than okay. That was amazing.”
“For me it was. I hope I didn’t hurt you.”
She looked up at me. “You didn’t. But if you did, I wouldn’t tell you, because I wanted it.”
I reached down and pulled her to her feet, yanking my jeans up before wrapping my arms around her. “You’re too good to be true.”
She twined her arms around my waist and lay her cheek on my chest. “I wanted to make you feel better. I felt bad for ruining our night.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. And you made me feel so good I forgot about everything but you.”
She squeezed me tighter. “Good. I’ve never done that before.”
“What?” I leaned back at the waist so I could see her face without letting go of her. “You can’t be serious.”
She looked up at me guilelessly. “I’m serious. I haven’t.”
“Not ever?”
“Well, I might have tried to give it a go a couple times, but I was never into it. And I for sure never … you know, made it to the finish line. I dropped out of the race every time.”
“Well, fuck. You definitely won the marathon this time.”
She smiled. “It was more like a sprint, actually. You’re fast, just like you said.”
I groaned. “That is not what I meant when I told you I was fast.”
Giggling, she snuggled close to me again. “I’m teasing. Don’t worry, you were perfect. I loved every second.”
Jesus, was this woman real? “I feel like I should pinch myself. Make sure this isn’t a dream.”
“I’ll pinch you if you want me to. But I promise this is real.”
“Or how about the farmer I killed that didn’t respond to warning shots, the one whose son later told us was deaf and mute? Should I be thanked for that?”
I could see how furious and heartsick he was, and I hated that I’d brought this on. “Yes,” I said firmly, although I continued to cry. “Because you’re brave and strong and you did what you were trained to do, what you had to do.”
“I used to think that too,” he said bitterly as he left the road and headed across the lawn for the barn, me following tight on his heels. “But did I have to do all those things? Did I have to kill innocent people? Is something wrong with me that after a while I was able to pull the trigger without feeling a fucking thing?”
We’d rounded the back of the barn when he suddenly spun around and faced me in the darkness. “Because I don’t, you know. Feel anything. I can’t.”
Both of us were breathing hard, and tears were still hot on my cheeks. I felt horrible. I’d ruined our last night together, but worse, I’d made him suffer. All I wanted now was to take that pain away.
I put my hands on his chest. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I’ll never be okay. You shouldn’t even be here with me.”
“Shhh,” I whispered, rising on tiptoe to kiss his lips. “I trust you.”
“You shouldn’t.” He dropped his forehead to mine, and moved forward, forcing me backward until I was pressed against the back of the barn. “You shouldn’t.”
For a fraction of a second, I was slightly nervous.
You don’t really know him.
Even sociopaths can like apple pie.
You let your hormones lead you into an unsafe situation.
But something deep inside me, some gut instinct I couldn’t name and didn’t even fully understand, had a voice too.
This wounded man is healing something in you.
Don’t give up on him.
Open your heart—you can feel enough for both of you.
A moment later, his lips were on mine, and my fears melted away inside his kiss.
Nineteen
Ryan
Take her home, I thought when I saw her tears. You’ve fucked everything up beyond reason already.
I’d lost my temper. Likely my job. Probably this whole new life I was trying to build for myself.
I’d have to move away again. Start over. And this time, I wouldn’t have Mack there to help me.
You don’t deserve his help. You’re a lost cause. And you certainly don’t deserve this woman’s trust.
But here she was. Soft and sweet and reaching for me. A safe place. A sanctuary.
I needed her. I needed her so badly it scared me—even if it was just for tonight.
She could make me feel good again. She could wrap me up in her warmth and her trust and her desire. She would take me inside her even after knowing who I really was.
And I needed to make her feel good too, to channel this hot pulsing rage in me toward something good, to hear her moan and sigh, to feel her fall apart around me, to know I wasn’t alone.
My hands were everywhere. In her hair, beneath her blouse, between her legs. They shoved my jacket from her shoulders. They fumbled frantically with the button and zipper on her jeans. I slid one down her underwear and moaned at the snug, slick warmth as my fingers slipped inside her.
She clung to me, kissed my lips, my jaw, my throat. She ran her hands inside my jacket, over my chest, around my lower back. She yanked my shirt from my jeans so she could feel my skin, and my stomach tightened at her touch. She slid her palm over the bulge at my crotch, moved it up and down over my cock, which strained at the zipper.
“I want my mouth on you,” she whispered at my ear before sucking my earlobe into her mouth, teasing it with her teeth and tongue. Her fingers traced the outline of my erection lingering at the tip. “I want to lick you like this. I want my tongue right here.”
“Fuck,” I growled, circling my wet fingertips over her clit, knowing if I didn’t get her off first, my dick would take over and all would be lost.
She began to writhe above my fingers. “Oh God,” she whispered. She clenched a fist in my shirt and turned her face to the side, her mouth falling open. I slid my fingers inside her again, and she rocked her hips over my hand, driving both of us closer to orgasm. A second later, she cried out and I nearly came in my pants at the sight of her climaxing in front of me.
As soon as she opened her eyes and looked at me, I undid my jeans and shoved them down, desperate to get inside her.
“Oh fuck,” I said, hating myself. “I didn’t bring anything.”
“That’s okay.” She dropped to her knees in front of me and freed my cock from its prison. “We don’t need one. And don’t worry …” Wrapping her hand tightly around my shaft, she circled the crown with one sweep of her tongue. “I know what oral sex is now.”
I groaned, my knees close to buckling. I put my hands on the wall behind her. Fuck yes she knew—I don’t know what books she’d started reading once she realized the truth, but Christ, she’d paid attention. She used her hands, her lips, her tongue. She licked and sucked and swirled and teased. She moaned like my dick was the best thing she’d ever tasted, and she told me she’d never imagined she’d be with anyone so big, so hard, so intimidating.
It was possibly bullshit. I definitely didn’t fucking care.
I was rough with her. I was too loud. I pulled her hair and forced her to look me in the eye, which she did—unabashedly, while moving her mouth up and down my cock so slowly I thought I was going to die. I held her head and fought the urge to fuck her mouth like the monster I was, then gave up, bracing my hands against the wall and thrusting with deep, vicious strokes between her perfect round lips. She grabbed my hips, took me to the back of her throat again and again and again. I watched it all, until my body reached the breaking point and my vision went starry and all that heat and tension exploded in hot, rhythmic bursts.
I don’t know how she didn’t choke.
She did gasp for air, however, as soon as I pulled out. “Holy shit,” she panted.
“Are you okay?” I asked, barely able to breathe myself, still propped up with my palms against the barn. I didn’t trust my legs not to give way.
“Yes.” She wiped her mouth with the back of one wrist. “More than okay. That was amazing.”
“For me it was. I hope I didn’t hurt you.”
She looked up at me. “You didn’t. But if you did, I wouldn’t tell you, because I wanted it.”
I reached down and pulled her to her feet, yanking my jeans up before wrapping my arms around her. “You’re too good to be true.”
She twined her arms around my waist and lay her cheek on my chest. “I wanted to make you feel better. I felt bad for ruining our night.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. And you made me feel so good I forgot about everything but you.”
She squeezed me tighter. “Good. I’ve never done that before.”
“What?” I leaned back at the waist so I could see her face without letting go of her. “You can’t be serious.”
She looked up at me guilelessly. “I’m serious. I haven’t.”
“Not ever?”
“Well, I might have tried to give it a go a couple times, but I was never into it. And I for sure never … you know, made it to the finish line. I dropped out of the race every time.”
“Well, fuck. You definitely won the marathon this time.”
She smiled. “It was more like a sprint, actually. You’re fast, just like you said.”
I groaned. “That is not what I meant when I told you I was fast.”
Giggling, she snuggled close to me again. “I’m teasing. Don’t worry, you were perfect. I loved every second.”
Jesus, was this woman real? “I feel like I should pinch myself. Make sure this isn’t a dream.”
“I’ll pinch you if you want me to. But I promise this is real.”
