With that, she turned and walked away.
Finn let her go. He didn’t need her. He didn’t need anybody. Only he knew he was lying. If he really didn’t care, he could get on the next plane to Alaska and leave his brothers to their fate. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be wondering how badly he’d messed up with Dakota and how he could fix it without getting deeper into a relationship that wasn’t meant to be.
CHAPTER NINE
“YOU’VE GOT TO GIVE ME something to work with,” Karen said. “I think you’re a cute couple with a lot of potential, but there’s nothing there. No fights, no kissing and certainly no making up. There’s nothing interesting to film. You know how Geoff is. You two came in second to last on the voting. That means you’re at risk of being voted off.”
“Do we have to come in last before we’re let go?” Stephen asked. “Is that decision based on numbers or does Geoff make it?”
Karen sighed. “Technically you have to go if you come in last on the viewer voting. My point is, if you want to stay on the show, you have to give us something. Otherwise you’re gonna be gone.”
“Thanks for letting us know,” Aurelia said.
She was doing her best to accept the information in the spirit in which it was given. But it was very difficult not to feel even more romantically inept than usual. Here she was, failing at a fake relationship. If she couldn’t make this work, when it wasn’t even real, how was she supposed to ever find a man and fall in love?
“I think you two like each other,” Karen said. “Maybe you should think about that and stop worrying about the cameras.”
Aurelia nodded. She knew that a lot of the couples had no trouble being around the cameras. But she was always aware of them, afraid of how she looked. Afraid of what people would say. After the show first aired, her mother called with her critique. It was not kind. She didn’t like her daughter’s clothes, or her hair or what she said. She also didn’t like how young Stephen was but agreed there was nothing to be done about it. It wasn’t as if Aurelia had picked him.
The only bright spot was the fact that Aurelia wasn’t expected to visit her mother as much.
“I need to get back to the office,” Karen said. “Please don’t say anything. I’m not supposed to tell you, but I wanted to.”
“We won’t say anything,” Stephen promised. “We’ll do better next time.”
Aurelia waited until the production assistant had left, then turned to him. “I guess we’re done,” she said. “The twin factor helped us the first couple of weeks, but the thrill is probably wearing off.”
Or it was her. A conversation she didn’t want to have with Stephen.
They were sitting on the grass in the large park in the center of town. The live portion of the show had been the previous night, and now they were on their own for a couple of days. For Aurelia, that meant going back to work. Show or no show, she still had clients.
“I’m not ready for this to be over,” Stephen told her. “Do you want to be finished with the show?”
“No, but we’re not like your brother and Lani. Do you want to play with Fire Poi to get more votes?”
“I would prefer to get out of the show unscarred,” he said with a grin. “But we could do something.”
“What I should do is grow a spine,” she murmured. “Stand up to my mother. I’m a lot more afraid of her than I am of Geoff.”
Stephen sat across from her. His blue eyes darkened with concern. “Why does she scare you?”
“Scared isn’t exactly the right word. When I’m with her, I feel bad about myself. I feel guilty. Like I’m always doing something wrong. When I was a kid, it was just the two of us. We felt like a team. We did everything together. But then something changed. I’m not sure exactly when, but one day there were expectations. Rather than going off with my friends, I was supposed to come home and hang out with her. In high school, I didn’t date. Some of it was me. I was bookish and not very pretty. Some of it was her, though. When I did get asked out, she always had a dozen reasons as to why I couldn’t go.”
“Because she wanted to keep you for herself?”
Aurelia hesitated. “I’m not sure. Although she’s always complaining I’m not married or giving her grandchildren, I’m not sure she would be happy if I was. She has a sense of entitlement. She believes that it’s my responsibility to take care of her.”
“Is she sick?”
“No. She works, but she expects me to pay most of her expenses. It’s as if I only exist to serve her. She doesn’t like that I have a life. And somehow I’ve let that be okay. She talks about all the things she did for me and tells me over and over again that I should be grateful. I am. It’s just, when do I get to have a life of my own?”
Stephen leaned toward her and took her hands in his. “Now,” he said softly. “You get to have a life now. The longer you let her do this to you, the harder it’s going to be to break away. Don’t you want more?”
What she wanted was someone to look at her the way he was looking at her now. With caring and concern. With an intensity that made her fingers tremble.
She must be dehydrated or something. This was Stephen. He was young enough to be her baby brother. Nothing about him should make her tremble or even see him as anything but a friend. He was practically a teenager.
“I do want more,” she said. “I want what most women want. A husband and children.”
“That’s not going to happen until you’re willing to stand up to her. So which is bigger—your fear of her or your desire for your dreams? Because that’s what it comes down to.”
In the space of a few minutes, he’d managed to articulate everything she’d been thinking for the past five years. “You’re right,” she whispered. “I do have to confront her.” She looked at him, then bit her lower lip. “Does it have to be today?”
He laughed. “No, it doesn’t.”
“Good. I need to work on my courage a little bit.”
“So you’re not ready for the show to be over yet?”
She shook her head. Even just another week with Stephen would be wonderful. He was so easy to be with, someone she could really talk to. He was…safe. Not a description he would like, but to her it meant the world.
“Then we’re going to have to work on giving the camera something,” he said, moving toward her. “I suggest we start with this.”
Before she knew what he was talking about, he’d taken her in his arms and pressed his mouth to hers.
She didn’t know which shocked her more—the kiss or the fact that they were outside, in the middle of the afternoon, where anyone could see. She wasn’t a middle-of-the-day kind of girl. Not that she had a whole lot of kissing experience. There had been a few boys in college, but still. Those had all been night kisses.
Yet she couldn’t seem to summon the indignation to protest. Not when he had one hand on her shoulder and the other on her thigh. Not when she could feel the heat from his body and feel how her heart bumped around in her chest. Not when his lips on hers felt so good.
Tentatively, she raised her arm so it rested on his shoulder. She slowly, very slowly, tilted her head and let her lips soften. She found herself straining toward him, wanting more than just a simple kiss.
Then it happened. Somewhere deep inside of her a small, cold, empty space came to life. Instead of feeling inadequate, she felt powerful. Instead of wondering what everyone else was thinking, she found herself thinking about what she wanted. Instead of holding back and being scared, she leaned in and touched his bottom lip with her tongue.
Stephen responded by wrapping both arms around her, lowering her to the grass, then kissing her with a passionate intensity that stole her breath away.
She met him stroke for stroke, enjoying the warmth that poured through her, feeling long-numb parts come to life. At that moment it didn’t matter that he was nine years younger or that she was a wallflower who hadn’t been on a date in six years. In his arms, with the bright sun blessing them, she was a woman and he was a man and everything about this moment was right.
DAKOTA WALKED THROUGH the production offices, looking for Finn. She hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and felt badly about their last conversation. In truth, he should be the one coming to look for her, but she wasn’t going to wait for that to happen. She liked Finn and wanted to make sure they stayed friends.
She found him in one of the empty offices, working a column of numbers with a calculator.
“Hi,” she said as she leaned against the door frame. “How’s it going?”
He looked up. “Things are good.” He grinned. “I talked to your boss about the flying school.”
“How did that go?”
“Great. He had a lot of information on starting a nonprofit business. It’s going to take a hell of a lot of money, but he gave me some ideas on where to start.”
“You sound excited.”
“I am. I’ve been playing with the idea for a while, but never thought anything could come of it.”
“See what happens when you come down to the lower forty-eight?”
“Yes, I do. I have a lot to figure out. My charter business, the twins, this damn show. But I’m thinking I want to seriously consider the flight school. I’m not sure what the focus would be right now, or where I’d start it, but I know it’s important.”
He was enthused and not worrying as much about his brothers. At least not the way he had before. The flight school idea had some interesting consequences. As he’d mentioned before, there weren’t a lot of inner-city kids in South Salmon. Which meant Finn had to be considering moving. Maybe Fool’s Gold would make the list.
“I wondered if you wanted to come over for dinner,” she said. “I have another chicken recipe that’s pretty good.”
He rose, shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, then rocked back on his heels. “Thanks for asking, but I’m going to pass.”
“Oh. Okay. Sure.”
The refusal surprised her. She told herself not to take his words personally, that she couldn’t know everything going on in his life. Saying no wasn’t a personal rejection. But psychological training didn’t make it any easier to avoid feeling hurt.
“I guess I’ll see you around,” she said and turned to leave.
“Dakota, wait.”
She faced him again.
“This isn’t a good idea.” He pulled one hand free of his jeans and motioned between them. “Us seeing each other. I’m not staying, which means this isn’t going anywhere.”
He was dumping her? They hadn’t technically been dating. How could he be dumping her?
“I didn’t expect it to go anywhere,” she told him, doing her best to keep her voice even. So much for the hopes he would settle here. “I know that you’re heading back to Alaska or wherever, and I’m staying here. This was always just going to be for fun.”
“I thought you might be getting more involved.”
“What gave you that idea?”
He shrugged.
She moved from hurt to pissed. This was so like a man. “I wasn’t,” she said coolly. “I was very clear on the parameters. Please don’t worry about my feelings.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
Her anger grew. She wanted to scream or throw something, then told herself to keep breathing and take the high road. She might not like it now, but she would feel a whole lot better about herself later.
“Have a good night,” she said between clenched teeth and left.
Once outside, she started home, then changed direction a block later and walked toward Jo’s Bar. Tonight was definitely a margarita night. She would drink tequila, have a salad and watch HGTV. Later, when she was at her place, she would take a bath, go to bed, all the while reminding herself that Finn Andersson was an annoying jerk and that she was well rid of the likes of him.
In a couple of days, she would even believe it.
NEVADA’S INVITATION to dinner came at exactly the right time. Dakota appreciated the chance to get out of her house and spend time with her sisters. Three grilled steaks and one bottle of red wine later, they were all feeling pretty good. Dakota hated to upset the mood, but she knew it was time to come clean.
Her sisters were sprawled on the red sectional sofa. There was a fire in the fireplace and the soundtrack from Mamma Mia playing in the background. Montana had already mocked her sister for her choice in music, so Dakota didn’t bother. But she did wait until the song about money was over, before introducing the topic of her infertility.
“I need to tell you something,” she said in the brief silence between songs.
“We already know you’re sleeping with Finn,” Montana told her. “I can’t decide if I want details or not. On the one hand, at least one of us is getting some. On the other hand, I don’t know that I want to be made aware of how pathetic I am. It’s a tough decision.”
“I don’t want to know,” Nevada said. “I don’t want the reminder of what I’m missing.”
Eventually she was going to have to tell them that Finn had dumped her. But it wasn’t what she wanted to talk about tonight. Instead, she had to figure out a way to explain that she would probably never have children. At least not the old-fashioned way.
Montana sat up and looked at her. “What’s wrong?”
“What is it?” Nevada asked, at almost exactly the same moment.
Finn let her go. He didn’t need her. He didn’t need anybody. Only he knew he was lying. If he really didn’t care, he could get on the next plane to Alaska and leave his brothers to their fate. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be wondering how badly he’d messed up with Dakota and how he could fix it without getting deeper into a relationship that wasn’t meant to be.
CHAPTER NINE
“YOU’VE GOT TO GIVE ME something to work with,” Karen said. “I think you’re a cute couple with a lot of potential, but there’s nothing there. No fights, no kissing and certainly no making up. There’s nothing interesting to film. You know how Geoff is. You two came in second to last on the voting. That means you’re at risk of being voted off.”
“Do we have to come in last before we’re let go?” Stephen asked. “Is that decision based on numbers or does Geoff make it?”
Karen sighed. “Technically you have to go if you come in last on the viewer voting. My point is, if you want to stay on the show, you have to give us something. Otherwise you’re gonna be gone.”
“Thanks for letting us know,” Aurelia said.
She was doing her best to accept the information in the spirit in which it was given. But it was very difficult not to feel even more romantically inept than usual. Here she was, failing at a fake relationship. If she couldn’t make this work, when it wasn’t even real, how was she supposed to ever find a man and fall in love?
“I think you two like each other,” Karen said. “Maybe you should think about that and stop worrying about the cameras.”
Aurelia nodded. She knew that a lot of the couples had no trouble being around the cameras. But she was always aware of them, afraid of how she looked. Afraid of what people would say. After the show first aired, her mother called with her critique. It was not kind. She didn’t like her daughter’s clothes, or her hair or what she said. She also didn’t like how young Stephen was but agreed there was nothing to be done about it. It wasn’t as if Aurelia had picked him.
The only bright spot was the fact that Aurelia wasn’t expected to visit her mother as much.
“I need to get back to the office,” Karen said. “Please don’t say anything. I’m not supposed to tell you, but I wanted to.”
“We won’t say anything,” Stephen promised. “We’ll do better next time.”
Aurelia waited until the production assistant had left, then turned to him. “I guess we’re done,” she said. “The twin factor helped us the first couple of weeks, but the thrill is probably wearing off.”
Or it was her. A conversation she didn’t want to have with Stephen.
They were sitting on the grass in the large park in the center of town. The live portion of the show had been the previous night, and now they were on their own for a couple of days. For Aurelia, that meant going back to work. Show or no show, she still had clients.
“I’m not ready for this to be over,” Stephen told her. “Do you want to be finished with the show?”
“No, but we’re not like your brother and Lani. Do you want to play with Fire Poi to get more votes?”
“I would prefer to get out of the show unscarred,” he said with a grin. “But we could do something.”
“What I should do is grow a spine,” she murmured. “Stand up to my mother. I’m a lot more afraid of her than I am of Geoff.”
Stephen sat across from her. His blue eyes darkened with concern. “Why does she scare you?”
“Scared isn’t exactly the right word. When I’m with her, I feel bad about myself. I feel guilty. Like I’m always doing something wrong. When I was a kid, it was just the two of us. We felt like a team. We did everything together. But then something changed. I’m not sure exactly when, but one day there were expectations. Rather than going off with my friends, I was supposed to come home and hang out with her. In high school, I didn’t date. Some of it was me. I was bookish and not very pretty. Some of it was her, though. When I did get asked out, she always had a dozen reasons as to why I couldn’t go.”
“Because she wanted to keep you for herself?”
Aurelia hesitated. “I’m not sure. Although she’s always complaining I’m not married or giving her grandchildren, I’m not sure she would be happy if I was. She has a sense of entitlement. She believes that it’s my responsibility to take care of her.”
“Is she sick?”
“No. She works, but she expects me to pay most of her expenses. It’s as if I only exist to serve her. She doesn’t like that I have a life. And somehow I’ve let that be okay. She talks about all the things she did for me and tells me over and over again that I should be grateful. I am. It’s just, when do I get to have a life of my own?”
Stephen leaned toward her and took her hands in his. “Now,” he said softly. “You get to have a life now. The longer you let her do this to you, the harder it’s going to be to break away. Don’t you want more?”
What she wanted was someone to look at her the way he was looking at her now. With caring and concern. With an intensity that made her fingers tremble.
She must be dehydrated or something. This was Stephen. He was young enough to be her baby brother. Nothing about him should make her tremble or even see him as anything but a friend. He was practically a teenager.
“I do want more,” she said. “I want what most women want. A husband and children.”
“That’s not going to happen until you’re willing to stand up to her. So which is bigger—your fear of her or your desire for your dreams? Because that’s what it comes down to.”
In the space of a few minutes, he’d managed to articulate everything she’d been thinking for the past five years. “You’re right,” she whispered. “I do have to confront her.” She looked at him, then bit her lower lip. “Does it have to be today?”
He laughed. “No, it doesn’t.”
“Good. I need to work on my courage a little bit.”
“So you’re not ready for the show to be over yet?”
She shook her head. Even just another week with Stephen would be wonderful. He was so easy to be with, someone she could really talk to. He was…safe. Not a description he would like, but to her it meant the world.
“Then we’re going to have to work on giving the camera something,” he said, moving toward her. “I suggest we start with this.”
Before she knew what he was talking about, he’d taken her in his arms and pressed his mouth to hers.
She didn’t know which shocked her more—the kiss or the fact that they were outside, in the middle of the afternoon, where anyone could see. She wasn’t a middle-of-the-day kind of girl. Not that she had a whole lot of kissing experience. There had been a few boys in college, but still. Those had all been night kisses.
Yet she couldn’t seem to summon the indignation to protest. Not when he had one hand on her shoulder and the other on her thigh. Not when she could feel the heat from his body and feel how her heart bumped around in her chest. Not when his lips on hers felt so good.
Tentatively, she raised her arm so it rested on his shoulder. She slowly, very slowly, tilted her head and let her lips soften. She found herself straining toward him, wanting more than just a simple kiss.
Then it happened. Somewhere deep inside of her a small, cold, empty space came to life. Instead of feeling inadequate, she felt powerful. Instead of wondering what everyone else was thinking, she found herself thinking about what she wanted. Instead of holding back and being scared, she leaned in and touched his bottom lip with her tongue.
Stephen responded by wrapping both arms around her, lowering her to the grass, then kissing her with a passionate intensity that stole her breath away.
She met him stroke for stroke, enjoying the warmth that poured through her, feeling long-numb parts come to life. At that moment it didn’t matter that he was nine years younger or that she was a wallflower who hadn’t been on a date in six years. In his arms, with the bright sun blessing them, she was a woman and he was a man and everything about this moment was right.
DAKOTA WALKED THROUGH the production offices, looking for Finn. She hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and felt badly about their last conversation. In truth, he should be the one coming to look for her, but she wasn’t going to wait for that to happen. She liked Finn and wanted to make sure they stayed friends.
She found him in one of the empty offices, working a column of numbers with a calculator.
“Hi,” she said as she leaned against the door frame. “How’s it going?”
He looked up. “Things are good.” He grinned. “I talked to your boss about the flying school.”
“How did that go?”
“Great. He had a lot of information on starting a nonprofit business. It’s going to take a hell of a lot of money, but he gave me some ideas on where to start.”
“You sound excited.”
“I am. I’ve been playing with the idea for a while, but never thought anything could come of it.”
“See what happens when you come down to the lower forty-eight?”
“Yes, I do. I have a lot to figure out. My charter business, the twins, this damn show. But I’m thinking I want to seriously consider the flight school. I’m not sure what the focus would be right now, or where I’d start it, but I know it’s important.”
He was enthused and not worrying as much about his brothers. At least not the way he had before. The flight school idea had some interesting consequences. As he’d mentioned before, there weren’t a lot of inner-city kids in South Salmon. Which meant Finn had to be considering moving. Maybe Fool’s Gold would make the list.
“I wondered if you wanted to come over for dinner,” she said. “I have another chicken recipe that’s pretty good.”
He rose, shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, then rocked back on his heels. “Thanks for asking, but I’m going to pass.”
“Oh. Okay. Sure.”
The refusal surprised her. She told herself not to take his words personally, that she couldn’t know everything going on in his life. Saying no wasn’t a personal rejection. But psychological training didn’t make it any easier to avoid feeling hurt.
“I guess I’ll see you around,” she said and turned to leave.
“Dakota, wait.”
She faced him again.
“This isn’t a good idea.” He pulled one hand free of his jeans and motioned between them. “Us seeing each other. I’m not staying, which means this isn’t going anywhere.”
He was dumping her? They hadn’t technically been dating. How could he be dumping her?
“I didn’t expect it to go anywhere,” she told him, doing her best to keep her voice even. So much for the hopes he would settle here. “I know that you’re heading back to Alaska or wherever, and I’m staying here. This was always just going to be for fun.”
“I thought you might be getting more involved.”
“What gave you that idea?”
He shrugged.
She moved from hurt to pissed. This was so like a man. “I wasn’t,” she said coolly. “I was very clear on the parameters. Please don’t worry about my feelings.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
Her anger grew. She wanted to scream or throw something, then told herself to keep breathing and take the high road. She might not like it now, but she would feel a whole lot better about herself later.
“Have a good night,” she said between clenched teeth and left.
Once outside, she started home, then changed direction a block later and walked toward Jo’s Bar. Tonight was definitely a margarita night. She would drink tequila, have a salad and watch HGTV. Later, when she was at her place, she would take a bath, go to bed, all the while reminding herself that Finn Andersson was an annoying jerk and that she was well rid of the likes of him.
In a couple of days, she would even believe it.
NEVADA’S INVITATION to dinner came at exactly the right time. Dakota appreciated the chance to get out of her house and spend time with her sisters. Three grilled steaks and one bottle of red wine later, they were all feeling pretty good. Dakota hated to upset the mood, but she knew it was time to come clean.
Her sisters were sprawled on the red sectional sofa. There was a fire in the fireplace and the soundtrack from Mamma Mia playing in the background. Montana had already mocked her sister for her choice in music, so Dakota didn’t bother. But she did wait until the song about money was over, before introducing the topic of her infertility.
“I need to tell you something,” she said in the brief silence between songs.
“We already know you’re sleeping with Finn,” Montana told her. “I can’t decide if I want details or not. On the one hand, at least one of us is getting some. On the other hand, I don’t know that I want to be made aware of how pathetic I am. It’s a tough decision.”
“I don’t want to know,” Nevada said. “I don’t want the reminder of what I’m missing.”
Eventually she was going to have to tell them that Finn had dumped her. But it wasn’t what she wanted to talk about tonight. Instead, she had to figure out a way to explain that she would probably never have children. At least not the old-fashioned way.
Montana sat up and looked at her. “What’s wrong?”
“What is it?” Nevada asked, at almost exactly the same moment.
