“No.” She walked toward me slowly, her arms crossed over her chest. “I’m not much of a Riesling girl.”
I nodded. The silence that followed was awkward. The apology I owed her was stuck in the back of my throat, I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and she did not appear inclined to rescue me. Could I blame her?
But a moment later she came into the kitchen and took another glass down. “Would you like some?” Her voice held no enthusiasm whatsoever.
It was a fairly lackluster invitation, but I took it. “Okay. Thanks.”
She poured wine for both of us and handed one glass to me. Then without saying anything, she leaned back against the counter and took a long drink from hers. I was trying to think of something to say when she spoke up.
“I saw my cousin on Monday, and she offered me a job up north.”
“Are you going to take it?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
Immediately there was a pit in my stomach. I didn’t want her to take a job somewhere else, but I couldn’t say that. “You should. That’s a great area.”
“It is.”
I could tell from the look on her face she was hurt. God, I was a fuck-up. I’d come over here because I’d missed her laugh, and all I was doing was making her miserable. I tried again. “Last time we drank wine in your kitchen, there was a barbecued bunny on your counter.”
She nodded.
“And more of a smile on your face.”
“Sorry. Guess it’s been a long day.” She crossed her legs at the ankle and held one arm across her stomach. The message was clear.
Damn. She’s tough. I set my wine glass down without drinking from it. “Emme, come on.”
“What?”
“Stop trying to freeze me out.”
Her jaw dropped. “I’m trying to freeze you out?”
“Yes. It’s obvious.”
Then she laughed, but it wasn’t the kind I’d been waiting for. “That’s a good one, Nate, since you’re the one who acted like a total stranger Monday morning.”
“I did not act like a total stranger,” I said defensively, although I knew exactly what she meant. “I acted like a friend, which is what we are.”
She rolled her eyes. “Okay, whatever. If you want to pretend like nothing happened between us, go right ahead. But we had a conversation about it, and—”
“During which you said you’d be patient with me,” I interrupted.
“And during which you said you’d be open and honest with me.”
“I said I’d try,” I shot back. “I told you, I’m bad at this. I don’t get it.”
She came off the counter and stood up taller. “That’s bullshit, Nate. You’re not bad at this because you don’t get it. You’re bad at this because you won’t let yourself be good. Because you don’t want anybody to need you.”
My temper flared. How dare she throw my own words back in my face! This was why you shouldn’t reveal your weaknesses to people—they used them against you. I was so mad, I couldn’t find the words to defend myself. That never happened to me.
Emme, however, had plenty of words. “Well, I don’t need you. And I don’t need this in my life. So you got what you wanted.”
This is not what I wanted! I felt like screaming. But I just stood there, my hands clenched into fists, my face and neck boiling hot, my jaw locked. Paisley began to cry.
Without saying anything else, I turned around and stormed out. Her door had slammed behind me when I realized I’d forgotten to bring a key and was locked out of my apartment. Fuck!
I drummed my head with the heels of my hands while Paisley cried and squirmed in the sling. Now I had to knock on her door and ask for her help, again, when I’d just been a dick to her, again. What was the matter with me? I braced myself with one arm against my door and took a few deep breaths. With the other hand I rubbed Paisley’s tummy through the front of the sling. “I’m sorry, kid. This is not your fault.”
It wasn’t Emme’s fault either. I couldn’t lash out at her because I was angry at the direction my life had taken and felt ill-equipped to deal with it. Nor could I blame her for getting so close to me that she saw through my crap. I’d let her get this close. I wanted her even closer. It was just so fucking hard to let someone in after all this time.
But I didn’t like who I’d been in there. I could do better.
Turning around, I closed my eyes for a second, took one more deep breath, then knocked on her door.
She didn’t answer right away, and when she finally did, I could tell she’d been crying. Her eyes were bloodshot, her mascara was smudged, and her nose was red. I felt horrible.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You were right. I was a dick on Monday morning, and I knew it. I’ve been missing you for two days but I was too stubborn to admit it and apologize. Returning the containers was only an excuse to see you.”
She sniffed.
“Can you forgive me? Please?”
It took her a moment, but she nodded slowly, her arms crossing over her chest again. “Fine. Is that all you want? Forgiveness?”
I swallowed hard. I could say yes. I could walk away from this right now. And she could take that job up north and meet some great guy in the wine business who’d treat her right. But when I pictured her in someone else’s arms, I felt sick. “No. That’s not all I want.”
She waited, listening.
“I want another chance with you. I want to try harder. And I don’t want you to take that job up north.”
“Nate,” she said, her voice shaky. “Don’t say these things if you don’t mean them.”
“I mean them.” I looked her right in the eye. “Please, Emme. Give me another chance. I can do better.”
“You have to let me in,” she said, tearing up again. “I can be patient, I can be your friend, I can forgive. But you have to let me in. Talk to me. Trust me.”
“I will,” I promised, wishing I could hug her right now. Between us, Paisley cried louder. “From now on, I will.”
Emme sniffed and smiled. “Poor thing. You should get her to bed.”
“I know, but…” I hung my head. “I locked myself out.”
“You what?”
“I forgot my key.”
She burst out laughing, wiping her eyes. “Oh my God. This is a first. Hold on, let me get your key.” Then she cocked her head. “Wait a minute. That’s not why you apologized, is it? Just so you could get your key?”
I held up both hands. “No. I swear to God, I meant the apology and I would have done it anyway. Forgetting my key just sort of…sped it up.”
“Ha. Serves you right.”
A minute later, she let us into my apartment and lingered in the doorway. “Need help with her?” she asked.
“No, I’ve got her,” I said, lifting Paisley from the sling. “I’ll try to get her back to sleep. But I’d love it if you’d stay.”
The smile I’d been waiting for lit up her face. “Let me change out of my work clothes and come back, okay?”
“Of course.” I took off the sling and tossed it onto a chair. “But first, come here.” Holding Paisley off to one side, I opened my other arm to Emme. She snuggled into my side, laying her head on my shoulder and wrapping her arms around my waist. I kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry,” I said again. “I was an idiot.”
“You were,” she agreed. “But you’re going through a lot of stuff right now, and none of it is easy. I’m here for you.”
“Thanks.” I closed my eyes, wondering how long she’d last.
Paisley fell asleep relatively quickly, after only about fifteen minutes of pacing and rocking. I put her in her sleeper and went downstairs, surprised to find Emme sitting on one of the chrome and leather chairs, wearing a pink T-shirt and plaid pajama pants. Her feet were bare, she’d let her hair down, and her makeup was off.
“I let myself in,” she said, rising. “Hope that was okay.”
I nodded. The silence that followed was awkward. The apology I owed her was stuck in the back of my throat, I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and she did not appear inclined to rescue me. Could I blame her?
But a moment later she came into the kitchen and took another glass down. “Would you like some?” Her voice held no enthusiasm whatsoever.
It was a fairly lackluster invitation, but I took it. “Okay. Thanks.”
She poured wine for both of us and handed one glass to me. Then without saying anything, she leaned back against the counter and took a long drink from hers. I was trying to think of something to say when she spoke up.
“I saw my cousin on Monday, and she offered me a job up north.”
“Are you going to take it?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
Immediately there was a pit in my stomach. I didn’t want her to take a job somewhere else, but I couldn’t say that. “You should. That’s a great area.”
“It is.”
I could tell from the look on her face she was hurt. God, I was a fuck-up. I’d come over here because I’d missed her laugh, and all I was doing was making her miserable. I tried again. “Last time we drank wine in your kitchen, there was a barbecued bunny on your counter.”
She nodded.
“And more of a smile on your face.”
“Sorry. Guess it’s been a long day.” She crossed her legs at the ankle and held one arm across her stomach. The message was clear.
Damn. She’s tough. I set my wine glass down without drinking from it. “Emme, come on.”
“What?”
“Stop trying to freeze me out.”
Her jaw dropped. “I’m trying to freeze you out?”
“Yes. It’s obvious.”
Then she laughed, but it wasn’t the kind I’d been waiting for. “That’s a good one, Nate, since you’re the one who acted like a total stranger Monday morning.”
“I did not act like a total stranger,” I said defensively, although I knew exactly what she meant. “I acted like a friend, which is what we are.”
She rolled her eyes. “Okay, whatever. If you want to pretend like nothing happened between us, go right ahead. But we had a conversation about it, and—”
“During which you said you’d be patient with me,” I interrupted.
“And during which you said you’d be open and honest with me.”
“I said I’d try,” I shot back. “I told you, I’m bad at this. I don’t get it.”
She came off the counter and stood up taller. “That’s bullshit, Nate. You’re not bad at this because you don’t get it. You’re bad at this because you won’t let yourself be good. Because you don’t want anybody to need you.”
My temper flared. How dare she throw my own words back in my face! This was why you shouldn’t reveal your weaknesses to people—they used them against you. I was so mad, I couldn’t find the words to defend myself. That never happened to me.
Emme, however, had plenty of words. “Well, I don’t need you. And I don’t need this in my life. So you got what you wanted.”
This is not what I wanted! I felt like screaming. But I just stood there, my hands clenched into fists, my face and neck boiling hot, my jaw locked. Paisley began to cry.
Without saying anything else, I turned around and stormed out. Her door had slammed behind me when I realized I’d forgotten to bring a key and was locked out of my apartment. Fuck!
I drummed my head with the heels of my hands while Paisley cried and squirmed in the sling. Now I had to knock on her door and ask for her help, again, when I’d just been a dick to her, again. What was the matter with me? I braced myself with one arm against my door and took a few deep breaths. With the other hand I rubbed Paisley’s tummy through the front of the sling. “I’m sorry, kid. This is not your fault.”
It wasn’t Emme’s fault either. I couldn’t lash out at her because I was angry at the direction my life had taken and felt ill-equipped to deal with it. Nor could I blame her for getting so close to me that she saw through my crap. I’d let her get this close. I wanted her even closer. It was just so fucking hard to let someone in after all this time.
But I didn’t like who I’d been in there. I could do better.
Turning around, I closed my eyes for a second, took one more deep breath, then knocked on her door.
She didn’t answer right away, and when she finally did, I could tell she’d been crying. Her eyes were bloodshot, her mascara was smudged, and her nose was red. I felt horrible.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You were right. I was a dick on Monday morning, and I knew it. I’ve been missing you for two days but I was too stubborn to admit it and apologize. Returning the containers was only an excuse to see you.”
She sniffed.
“Can you forgive me? Please?”
It took her a moment, but she nodded slowly, her arms crossing over her chest again. “Fine. Is that all you want? Forgiveness?”
I swallowed hard. I could say yes. I could walk away from this right now. And she could take that job up north and meet some great guy in the wine business who’d treat her right. But when I pictured her in someone else’s arms, I felt sick. “No. That’s not all I want.”
She waited, listening.
“I want another chance with you. I want to try harder. And I don’t want you to take that job up north.”
“Nate,” she said, her voice shaky. “Don’t say these things if you don’t mean them.”
“I mean them.” I looked her right in the eye. “Please, Emme. Give me another chance. I can do better.”
“You have to let me in,” she said, tearing up again. “I can be patient, I can be your friend, I can forgive. But you have to let me in. Talk to me. Trust me.”
“I will,” I promised, wishing I could hug her right now. Between us, Paisley cried louder. “From now on, I will.”
Emme sniffed and smiled. “Poor thing. You should get her to bed.”
“I know, but…” I hung my head. “I locked myself out.”
“You what?”
“I forgot my key.”
She burst out laughing, wiping her eyes. “Oh my God. This is a first. Hold on, let me get your key.” Then she cocked her head. “Wait a minute. That’s not why you apologized, is it? Just so you could get your key?”
I held up both hands. “No. I swear to God, I meant the apology and I would have done it anyway. Forgetting my key just sort of…sped it up.”
“Ha. Serves you right.”
A minute later, she let us into my apartment and lingered in the doorway. “Need help with her?” she asked.
“No, I’ve got her,” I said, lifting Paisley from the sling. “I’ll try to get her back to sleep. But I’d love it if you’d stay.”
The smile I’d been waiting for lit up her face. “Let me change out of my work clothes and come back, okay?”
“Of course.” I took off the sling and tossed it onto a chair. “But first, come here.” Holding Paisley off to one side, I opened my other arm to Emme. She snuggled into my side, laying her head on my shoulder and wrapping her arms around my waist. I kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry,” I said again. “I was an idiot.”
“You were,” she agreed. “But you’re going through a lot of stuff right now, and none of it is easy. I’m here for you.”
“Thanks.” I closed my eyes, wondering how long she’d last.
Paisley fell asleep relatively quickly, after only about fifteen minutes of pacing and rocking. I put her in her sleeper and went downstairs, surprised to find Emme sitting on one of the chrome and leather chairs, wearing a pink T-shirt and plaid pajama pants. Her feet were bare, she’d let her hair down, and her makeup was off.
“I let myself in,” she said, rising. “Hope that was okay.”
