Reminding myself that it was okay to appear less than perfect in her eyes, that she actually wanted that, I opened up about Monday’s visit to the office and how it had affected me. “It’s hard enough dealing with my own negative feelings about suddenly being a father,” I admitted. “Hearing other people’s made it ten times worse.”
She was furious. “Why would people say those things to you? How can people be so horrible?”
“They were being honest, I guess.”
“Fuck that. Honesty is not an excuse for rudeness. If you don’t have something nice to say…”
I kissed the top of her head. “You’re so cute.”
We sat in silence for a moment, then she tilted her face toward mine, a smile on her lips. “Did you really think I wouldn’t see through that whole ‘returning your containers’ thing?”
I grinned sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess that was sort of transparent.”
“It was totally transparent. If I hadn’t been so upset with you, I would have laughed.”
I brushed the hair back from her face. “You know I’m probably still going to fuck up from time to time. Say stupid shit. Act like a dick. Try to push you away.”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Don’t let me.” I held her closer, pressed my lips to her forehead. “Don’t let me.”
Thirteen
Emme
Four days later I met my sisters for Sunday brunch at PARC in Campus Martius downtown.
“Good morning,” I chirped as I slid onto the booth along the wall next to Stella. Across the table, Maren gave me a smile.
“Morning,” she said. “You look nice. Is that a new blouse?”
“Thanks. It is new, actually.” Nate had bought it for me yesterday during our shopping excursion at Partridge Creek. His mother had canceled their planned visit last minute, something about not feeling up to having guests, and even though he’d pretended not to be upset about it, I could tell that he was. I suggested the afternoon shopping trip as a way to get him and Paisley out of the apartment and into the sunshine. It had been a gorgeous couple of days—warm and sunny, temperatures in the mid sixties even though the official start of spring was still a few days away.
“It’s really pretty,” said Stella. “You don’t normally wear a lot of patterns.”
The blouse was floral patterned silk chiffon, a rose print on a sheer white background. Very springy and romantic. I lifted my shoulders. “Guess I’m branching out a little bit. Changing up my style.”
“It’s more than the blouse.” Maren was studying me with a sister’s critical eye. “There’s something different about you. You’re glowing.”
“Am I?” I pretended to study the menu.
Stella leaned around me, trying to get a better look at my face. “Yes. What’s going on with you?”
“Let me get something to drink and I’ll tell you.” I signaled a server and put in an order for a glass of champagne.
“Ooh, that sounds good. I’ll join you,” said Maren.
“Me too,” said Stella.
While we waited for our drinks, I looked at the menu for real. I had never been here before, but everything sounded scrumptious. Or maybe it was just my good mood.
The server returned after a minute with our glasses of bubbly, promising to come back shortly to take our order.
“Okay, spill,” Stella said as soon as we were alone again.
“Yes. Why are you glowing?” Maren asked.
“First, a toast. To spring!” I raised my glass. “A time of rebirth and awakening.”
They exchanged a look as we clinked. “She’s having sex with someone,” said Stella.
“Good sex,” added Maren.
I leaned forward dramatically. “Amazing sex,” I clarified. “Four nights of the most amazing sex you can possibly imagine.”
Maren groaned with envy. “Nate?”
“Yes.” I took a sip of my champagne—it was delicious, possibly the best thing I had ever tasted.
“So tell us what happened,” said Stella, shifting impatiently next to me in the booth. “When we saw you last Sunday, you were all we’re just friends about it.”
I laughed. “Well, that was true, but then I went over there later that night.”
Maren was on the edge of her seat. “And?”
“And things got unexpectedly and very decidedly more than friendly.” I leaned even closer to them and whispered. “I had two.”
“Two?” Stella questioned, like she didn’t quite believe it.
“Two.”
“I’ve heard that’s possible, but no one I know has ever verified it,” Maren said.
I took another sip, delighted with the way the bubbles danced on my tongue. “Consider it verified.”
“How did you even manage it with the baby and all?” Stella wondered.
“We were on the couch that time, and she was sleeping upstairs. I don’t know how we didn’t wake her up, but thankfully we didn’t.”
The server came back over, and we put in our orders—Stella went for shrimp and polenta, Maren ordered the omelette, and I chose the cinnamon roll bread pudding. I didn’t even feel guilty about it. I’d worked out four times this week, and besides, I figured Nate and I were burning at least a couple hundred calories a night.
“Okay, keep going,” Maren prodded.
“Okay, so after that first time, he got a little weird. I mean, not that night—that night he was fine and when I left, everything felt good between us. He basically admitted he felt something for me, but he’s got this thing about needing people. He doesn’t want to need anybody, and he doesn’t want anybody to need him. I babysat for him the following morning, and I could tell something was wrong. He was kind of aloof and indifferent.”
“Did you ask him why?” Stella looked curious.
“No, because I sort of knew why. He was scared.”
“So what did you do?” Maren asked.
“Actually, nothing. I wasn’t happy about it, but I figured there was no point in pursuing him if he wasn’t interested in taking a chance with me, so I let it go. And we went almost three days without even talking or seeing each other.”
“You let it go?” The look on Maren’s face told me how surprised she was, and admittedly, in the past I probably would have gone over there to pick a fight or at least demand to know what I had done wrong.
“I did,” I confirmed with a shrug. “I felt like it was his issue, and he needed to work it out on his own.”
“Wow.” She sat back, her expression thoughtful and a little impressed. “Very Zen of you, Emme. You didn’t even call us to vent about it. The blouse really isn’t the only thing that’s new.”
“Thank you.” I wasn’t going to mention that the biggest reason I didn’t call them to vent was because I didn’t want them to say I-told-you-so about Nate just using me as Nanny McFuck across the hall. “I’m really trying to do things differently with Nate. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past by either choosing the wrong guys, or expecting too much too soon, and blaming myself when they let me down. I don’t want to do that this time.”
“That’s great,” said Stella. “You sound very healthy.”
“I feel it. I mean, I didn’t for the few days we weren’t speaking, but he showed up at my door Wednesday night with the baby in a sling on his chest and these plastic containers of mine in his hand, pretending he just wanted to return them.” I laughed, shaking my head. “It was so obvious what he was doing.” I told them about our argument and how I’d stood up for myself. “It was scary, because I knew I risked alienating him completely, but I was looking at him and I could see that he didn’t believe the bullshit he was giving me. He was just scared and too stubborn to admit it.” I shrugged. “So I called him out on it. I figured I had nothing to lose.”
The server appeared with our plates and set them down in front of us. When she was gone, Stella patted my leg beneath the table. “I’m really proud of you. That took guts.” She picked up her knife and fork and began cutting a piece of shrimp. “It’s not easy to change your relationship habits, but I’m so glad to see you realize you deserve more.”
She was furious. “Why would people say those things to you? How can people be so horrible?”
“They were being honest, I guess.”
“Fuck that. Honesty is not an excuse for rudeness. If you don’t have something nice to say…”
I kissed the top of her head. “You’re so cute.”
We sat in silence for a moment, then she tilted her face toward mine, a smile on her lips. “Did you really think I wouldn’t see through that whole ‘returning your containers’ thing?”
I grinned sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess that was sort of transparent.”
“It was totally transparent. If I hadn’t been so upset with you, I would have laughed.”
I brushed the hair back from her face. “You know I’m probably still going to fuck up from time to time. Say stupid shit. Act like a dick. Try to push you away.”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Don’t let me.” I held her closer, pressed my lips to her forehead. “Don’t let me.”
Thirteen
Emme
Four days later I met my sisters for Sunday brunch at PARC in Campus Martius downtown.
“Good morning,” I chirped as I slid onto the booth along the wall next to Stella. Across the table, Maren gave me a smile.
“Morning,” she said. “You look nice. Is that a new blouse?”
“Thanks. It is new, actually.” Nate had bought it for me yesterday during our shopping excursion at Partridge Creek. His mother had canceled their planned visit last minute, something about not feeling up to having guests, and even though he’d pretended not to be upset about it, I could tell that he was. I suggested the afternoon shopping trip as a way to get him and Paisley out of the apartment and into the sunshine. It had been a gorgeous couple of days—warm and sunny, temperatures in the mid sixties even though the official start of spring was still a few days away.
“It’s really pretty,” said Stella. “You don’t normally wear a lot of patterns.”
The blouse was floral patterned silk chiffon, a rose print on a sheer white background. Very springy and romantic. I lifted my shoulders. “Guess I’m branching out a little bit. Changing up my style.”
“It’s more than the blouse.” Maren was studying me with a sister’s critical eye. “There’s something different about you. You’re glowing.”
“Am I?” I pretended to study the menu.
Stella leaned around me, trying to get a better look at my face. “Yes. What’s going on with you?”
“Let me get something to drink and I’ll tell you.” I signaled a server and put in an order for a glass of champagne.
“Ooh, that sounds good. I’ll join you,” said Maren.
“Me too,” said Stella.
While we waited for our drinks, I looked at the menu for real. I had never been here before, but everything sounded scrumptious. Or maybe it was just my good mood.
The server returned after a minute with our glasses of bubbly, promising to come back shortly to take our order.
“Okay, spill,” Stella said as soon as we were alone again.
“Yes. Why are you glowing?” Maren asked.
“First, a toast. To spring!” I raised my glass. “A time of rebirth and awakening.”
They exchanged a look as we clinked. “She’s having sex with someone,” said Stella.
“Good sex,” added Maren.
I leaned forward dramatically. “Amazing sex,” I clarified. “Four nights of the most amazing sex you can possibly imagine.”
Maren groaned with envy. “Nate?”
“Yes.” I took a sip of my champagne—it was delicious, possibly the best thing I had ever tasted.
“So tell us what happened,” said Stella, shifting impatiently next to me in the booth. “When we saw you last Sunday, you were all we’re just friends about it.”
I laughed. “Well, that was true, but then I went over there later that night.”
Maren was on the edge of her seat. “And?”
“And things got unexpectedly and very decidedly more than friendly.” I leaned even closer to them and whispered. “I had two.”
“Two?” Stella questioned, like she didn’t quite believe it.
“Two.”
“I’ve heard that’s possible, but no one I know has ever verified it,” Maren said.
I took another sip, delighted with the way the bubbles danced on my tongue. “Consider it verified.”
“How did you even manage it with the baby and all?” Stella wondered.
“We were on the couch that time, and she was sleeping upstairs. I don’t know how we didn’t wake her up, but thankfully we didn’t.”
The server came back over, and we put in our orders—Stella went for shrimp and polenta, Maren ordered the omelette, and I chose the cinnamon roll bread pudding. I didn’t even feel guilty about it. I’d worked out four times this week, and besides, I figured Nate and I were burning at least a couple hundred calories a night.
“Okay, keep going,” Maren prodded.
“Okay, so after that first time, he got a little weird. I mean, not that night—that night he was fine and when I left, everything felt good between us. He basically admitted he felt something for me, but he’s got this thing about needing people. He doesn’t want to need anybody, and he doesn’t want anybody to need him. I babysat for him the following morning, and I could tell something was wrong. He was kind of aloof and indifferent.”
“Did you ask him why?” Stella looked curious.
“No, because I sort of knew why. He was scared.”
“So what did you do?” Maren asked.
“Actually, nothing. I wasn’t happy about it, but I figured there was no point in pursuing him if he wasn’t interested in taking a chance with me, so I let it go. And we went almost three days without even talking or seeing each other.”
“You let it go?” The look on Maren’s face told me how surprised she was, and admittedly, in the past I probably would have gone over there to pick a fight or at least demand to know what I had done wrong.
“I did,” I confirmed with a shrug. “I felt like it was his issue, and he needed to work it out on his own.”
“Wow.” She sat back, her expression thoughtful and a little impressed. “Very Zen of you, Emme. You didn’t even call us to vent about it. The blouse really isn’t the only thing that’s new.”
“Thank you.” I wasn’t going to mention that the biggest reason I didn’t call them to vent was because I didn’t want them to say I-told-you-so about Nate just using me as Nanny McFuck across the hall. “I’m really trying to do things differently with Nate. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past by either choosing the wrong guys, or expecting too much too soon, and blaming myself when they let me down. I don’t want to do that this time.”
“That’s great,” said Stella. “You sound very healthy.”
“I feel it. I mean, I didn’t for the few days we weren’t speaking, but he showed up at my door Wednesday night with the baby in a sling on his chest and these plastic containers of mine in his hand, pretending he just wanted to return them.” I laughed, shaking my head. “It was so obvious what he was doing.” I told them about our argument and how I’d stood up for myself. “It was scary, because I knew I risked alienating him completely, but I was looking at him and I could see that he didn’t believe the bullshit he was giving me. He was just scared and too stubborn to admit it.” I shrugged. “So I called him out on it. I figured I had nothing to lose.”
The server appeared with our plates and set them down in front of us. When she was gone, Stella patted my leg beneath the table. “I’m really proud of you. That took guts.” She picked up her knife and fork and began cutting a piece of shrimp. “It’s not easy to change your relationship habits, but I’m so glad to see you realize you deserve more.”
