“Well, he’d have gotten me, that’s for sure.” I giggled again. “And I’m going to get my sisters with it.”
“Adam would be proud.”
“What else did he like to do?”
“Whatever I was doing. He was forever tagging along after me. He used to sleep at the foot of my bed like a puppy. And when he got too big for that, he’d sleep on the floor in my room.”
“Aww. I bet he idolized you.”
“He did.” He paused and swallowed hard. “He was a good kid. I miss him every day.”
I kissed the back of his hand. “Thanks for telling me about him.”
We listen to the radio for a while after that—we discovered we both loved This American Life on NPR—but it wasn’t too long before Paisley woke up. Since we were still about an hour from Nate’s mom’s house, we decided to pull off the road and feed her. “Are you hungry?” asked Nate as we exited the highway. “Do you want to grab lunch?”
“Sure,” I said. “Anyplace is fine with me.”
We ended up at a Coney Island, and the hostess seated us in a big corner booth. I shrugged out of my jacket and fluffed my hair, which was damp from the rain. Nate set Paisley’s car seat in the booth, sat down next to her, and unbuckled the straps. “Can you make the bottle for me?” he asked, handing me the diaper bag. “I should change her.”
“Why don’t I take her to the ladies room and change her? They’ll probably have a changing table in there.”
“Won’t they have one in the men’s room?”
I shrugged. “Not usually.”
Nate’s expression was angry. “That doesn’t seem fair. They just assume a dad would never need to change a diaper?”
“I guess.”
“That’s bullshit.” He stood up. “Give me the diaper bag.”
I handed it to him, and he threw it over his shoulder and took off toward the bathrooms with Paisley crying in his arms.
Ten minutes later, he was back, his expression much more relaxed. “They had a family restroom with a table,” he said as he slid into the booth. “I didn’t even know there was such a thing.”
“You learn something new every day.” I turned my menu to face him. “Here. Take a look at that while I make the bottle.”
He glanced at it. “God, I need to get back in the gym. I have not been eating well.”
“I might be able to watch her for you a few times next week so you can go work out if you want. Although with Coco still out, my schedule is pretty full. Hand me the diaper bag?”
He passed it over the table. “Yeah, I probably have to hire an actual babysitter or nanny. I can’t be off work for much longer.”
“I can help you find someone,” I said as the server approached. “I think Coco mentioned an agency or website that she used to find a sitter one time. I’ll ask her what it is.”
We ordered burgers and fries and took turns eating and holding Paisley, since she continued to be fussy even after her bottle. At some point while I was holding her and trying to eat the last few bites of my burger, Nate pulled a twenty-dollar bill from his wallet, put it on the table, and stood up. “I’ll take her so you can finish,” he said. “I’m done. If she comes back, will you ask for the check?” He took Paisley from my arms and walked up front with her.
I quickly finished eating, and when the server came by to check on us, I asked her for the bill.
“Of course,” she said. “Is your husband finished with his plate?” She gestured toward Nate’s unfinished fries.
For a few seconds, I couldn’t answer. I was too busy being pleased she had referred to Nate as my husband. “Yes. The baby was fussy so he took her up front, but he’s done.”
She smiled and picked up the plate, stacking it on top of mine. “Any man who takes a crying baby so his wife can finish her lunch is a keeper. I’ll be right back with the check.”
“Thanks, Sharon,” I said, referring to the name on her name tag. I loved Sharon. Sharon was awesome.
By the time Nate returned to the table to put Paisley in her car seat, Sharon was setting the change on the table. “Good job, dad. You got her to quiet down. I was just telling your wife how lucky she is to have a man who helps with the baby.”
Nate’s eyebrows rose, and he gave me a surprised look. I bit my lip. I was kind of afraid he was going to tell her the truth and spoil my little fantasy, but he didn’t. Actually, he looked more amused than anything. “Thanks,” he said to Sharon. He carefully transferred Paisley to her car seat and buckled her up while I put my coat on, then we left the restaurant, hurrying across the parking lot in the rain.
When we were on the highway again, he glanced over at me. “My wife? Did I miss the part where we got married?”
I laughed. “Relax, you’re still single.”
“Oh, good. Because I can only handle one identity crisis at a time. I just discovered I’m a father. I can’t discover I’m a husband all of a sudden, too.” He shuddered.
I shifted in my seat to face him and crossed my arms. “Would it be so horrible, to be married to me?”
“No, darling. The man who marries you will be the luckiest man in the world, and I promise to represent you in the divorce and make sure we rake his stupid ass over the coals for fucking up a good thing. It would, however, be horrible to be married to me. I wouldn’t put you through it.”
I rolled my eyes and faced forward again, and he turned on NPR again. But I couldn’t pay attention to the show. My mind kept drifting back to what he had said about getting married. It’s not like I hadn’t known his views on the subject before, but it hadn’t been personal then. Now he wasn’t only saying he had no interest in marriage, he was also saying he had no interest in marriage to me. Was I crazy to feel a little hurt by that?
Yes, said a voice in my head. You have been dating for exactly two weeks. Get a grip. Stay in the moment.
No, said my heart. It’s only natural to dream about a future with someone you love. It’s impossible to stay in the moment all the time.
Was I in love with Nate?
I glanced at his handsome profile and it gave me butterflies, but I hadn’t really needed to look at him to know the answer.
Of course I was in love with Nate. I even thought he might be in love with me. What had he said last night? You have me. Maybe they weren’t the usual three little words you dreamed of hearing from the one who’d captured your heart, but there was something about the way he said them that made them just as meaningful. You have me. I felt it in my bones. And I’d heard other guys say “I love you” before when they clearly hadn’t meant it. It wasn’t the words themselves that mattered. It was the sentiment.
But what did it mean to have him? Or to be his? What good did it do to belong to each other if you knew it was only temporary? How could you enjoy the moment if you were constantly aware that there would be no future? That your time together was running out? It made our entire relationship seem like sand in an hourglass.
Then again, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just needed to be patient with Nate, like I’d promised to be. After all, look how far he’d come as a father. It wasn’t that far-fetched to think he might change his mind about marriage in the future, was it? And it’s not like I was in a rush. I just liked knowing it was a possibility. I liked anticipation. My favorite moments at the weddings I planned were always those right before the bride walked up the aisle. When she stood at the back of the church and looked toward the front where her future husband waited for her. When she took that first step, it wasn’t only toward a man. It was toward a dream. It gave me chills every single time.
I wanted that for myself.
Time. That’s all I needed to do, give it time. If Nate was really the one, and something in my gut told me he was, then he was worth waiting for.
I could be patient.
Sixteen
Nate
Something was off with me.
Or maybe it was off with Emme—she’d gone quiet after that whole marriage conversation. Was it that? Did it bother her that I had no intention of getting married? Were her feelings hurt? I hoped not. It wasn’t personal—I was crazy about her, and I mean that in the truest sense of the word. There were times I actually thought I was losing my mind because I wanted her so badly. I was constantly thinking about her, always wondering what I could do to make her smile, and keeping my hands off her was nearly impossible. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her…
“Adam would be proud.”
“What else did he like to do?”
“Whatever I was doing. He was forever tagging along after me. He used to sleep at the foot of my bed like a puppy. And when he got too big for that, he’d sleep on the floor in my room.”
“Aww. I bet he idolized you.”
“He did.” He paused and swallowed hard. “He was a good kid. I miss him every day.”
I kissed the back of his hand. “Thanks for telling me about him.”
We listen to the radio for a while after that—we discovered we both loved This American Life on NPR—but it wasn’t too long before Paisley woke up. Since we were still about an hour from Nate’s mom’s house, we decided to pull off the road and feed her. “Are you hungry?” asked Nate as we exited the highway. “Do you want to grab lunch?”
“Sure,” I said. “Anyplace is fine with me.”
We ended up at a Coney Island, and the hostess seated us in a big corner booth. I shrugged out of my jacket and fluffed my hair, which was damp from the rain. Nate set Paisley’s car seat in the booth, sat down next to her, and unbuckled the straps. “Can you make the bottle for me?” he asked, handing me the diaper bag. “I should change her.”
“Why don’t I take her to the ladies room and change her? They’ll probably have a changing table in there.”
“Won’t they have one in the men’s room?”
I shrugged. “Not usually.”
Nate’s expression was angry. “That doesn’t seem fair. They just assume a dad would never need to change a diaper?”
“I guess.”
“That’s bullshit.” He stood up. “Give me the diaper bag.”
I handed it to him, and he threw it over his shoulder and took off toward the bathrooms with Paisley crying in his arms.
Ten minutes later, he was back, his expression much more relaxed. “They had a family restroom with a table,” he said as he slid into the booth. “I didn’t even know there was such a thing.”
“You learn something new every day.” I turned my menu to face him. “Here. Take a look at that while I make the bottle.”
He glanced at it. “God, I need to get back in the gym. I have not been eating well.”
“I might be able to watch her for you a few times next week so you can go work out if you want. Although with Coco still out, my schedule is pretty full. Hand me the diaper bag?”
He passed it over the table. “Yeah, I probably have to hire an actual babysitter or nanny. I can’t be off work for much longer.”
“I can help you find someone,” I said as the server approached. “I think Coco mentioned an agency or website that she used to find a sitter one time. I’ll ask her what it is.”
We ordered burgers and fries and took turns eating and holding Paisley, since she continued to be fussy even after her bottle. At some point while I was holding her and trying to eat the last few bites of my burger, Nate pulled a twenty-dollar bill from his wallet, put it on the table, and stood up. “I’ll take her so you can finish,” he said. “I’m done. If she comes back, will you ask for the check?” He took Paisley from my arms and walked up front with her.
I quickly finished eating, and when the server came by to check on us, I asked her for the bill.
“Of course,” she said. “Is your husband finished with his plate?” She gestured toward Nate’s unfinished fries.
For a few seconds, I couldn’t answer. I was too busy being pleased she had referred to Nate as my husband. “Yes. The baby was fussy so he took her up front, but he’s done.”
She smiled and picked up the plate, stacking it on top of mine. “Any man who takes a crying baby so his wife can finish her lunch is a keeper. I’ll be right back with the check.”
“Thanks, Sharon,” I said, referring to the name on her name tag. I loved Sharon. Sharon was awesome.
By the time Nate returned to the table to put Paisley in her car seat, Sharon was setting the change on the table. “Good job, dad. You got her to quiet down. I was just telling your wife how lucky she is to have a man who helps with the baby.”
Nate’s eyebrows rose, and he gave me a surprised look. I bit my lip. I was kind of afraid he was going to tell her the truth and spoil my little fantasy, but he didn’t. Actually, he looked more amused than anything. “Thanks,” he said to Sharon. He carefully transferred Paisley to her car seat and buckled her up while I put my coat on, then we left the restaurant, hurrying across the parking lot in the rain.
When we were on the highway again, he glanced over at me. “My wife? Did I miss the part where we got married?”
I laughed. “Relax, you’re still single.”
“Oh, good. Because I can only handle one identity crisis at a time. I just discovered I’m a father. I can’t discover I’m a husband all of a sudden, too.” He shuddered.
I shifted in my seat to face him and crossed my arms. “Would it be so horrible, to be married to me?”
“No, darling. The man who marries you will be the luckiest man in the world, and I promise to represent you in the divorce and make sure we rake his stupid ass over the coals for fucking up a good thing. It would, however, be horrible to be married to me. I wouldn’t put you through it.”
I rolled my eyes and faced forward again, and he turned on NPR again. But I couldn’t pay attention to the show. My mind kept drifting back to what he had said about getting married. It’s not like I hadn’t known his views on the subject before, but it hadn’t been personal then. Now he wasn’t only saying he had no interest in marriage, he was also saying he had no interest in marriage to me. Was I crazy to feel a little hurt by that?
Yes, said a voice in my head. You have been dating for exactly two weeks. Get a grip. Stay in the moment.
No, said my heart. It’s only natural to dream about a future with someone you love. It’s impossible to stay in the moment all the time.
Was I in love with Nate?
I glanced at his handsome profile and it gave me butterflies, but I hadn’t really needed to look at him to know the answer.
Of course I was in love with Nate. I even thought he might be in love with me. What had he said last night? You have me. Maybe they weren’t the usual three little words you dreamed of hearing from the one who’d captured your heart, but there was something about the way he said them that made them just as meaningful. You have me. I felt it in my bones. And I’d heard other guys say “I love you” before when they clearly hadn’t meant it. It wasn’t the words themselves that mattered. It was the sentiment.
But what did it mean to have him? Or to be his? What good did it do to belong to each other if you knew it was only temporary? How could you enjoy the moment if you were constantly aware that there would be no future? That your time together was running out? It made our entire relationship seem like sand in an hourglass.
Then again, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just needed to be patient with Nate, like I’d promised to be. After all, look how far he’d come as a father. It wasn’t that far-fetched to think he might change his mind about marriage in the future, was it? And it’s not like I was in a rush. I just liked knowing it was a possibility. I liked anticipation. My favorite moments at the weddings I planned were always those right before the bride walked up the aisle. When she stood at the back of the church and looked toward the front where her future husband waited for her. When she took that first step, it wasn’t only toward a man. It was toward a dream. It gave me chills every single time.
I wanted that for myself.
Time. That’s all I needed to do, give it time. If Nate was really the one, and something in my gut told me he was, then he was worth waiting for.
I could be patient.
Sixteen
Nate
Something was off with me.
Or maybe it was off with Emme—she’d gone quiet after that whole marriage conversation. Was it that? Did it bother her that I had no intention of getting married? Were her feelings hurt? I hoped not. It wasn’t personal—I was crazy about her, and I mean that in the truest sense of the word. There were times I actually thought I was losing my mind because I wanted her so badly. I was constantly thinking about her, always wondering what I could do to make her smile, and keeping my hands off her was nearly impossible. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her…
