“Why do you see this in such either/or terms? Jay might just surprise you with how much skill he’s got. Why assume he’s taking this lying down?”
“What other assumptions can I make? I mean, really. I haven’t heard a single word from him in months. I’ve left him messages. I’ve texted him a few times. Nothing. So okay. I hope his new income with my clients gets him some therapy and maybe some management classes. But he’s doing nothing that I can see, so what other choices do I have?”
“Did you think we all should have quit in solidarity?”
She rolled her eyes. “Stop. I never asked for, nor do I expect, that. You’re all happy in some way, so why would you leave? If I’d been listened to and valued, I’d have stayed too. I love my family, Shawn. I just don’t think you all get to make me feel like shit for the rest of my life because I dropped out of college and have a ring in my eyebrow. Oh, and a uterus.”
“I’m sitting here begging you to come back. So why would I want you to feel like shit? I want you back at Colman because it’s yours. As much as it’s mine and Julie’s and Jay’s. I think you judge him too harshly. Jay, I mean. He knows how to run a company. It’s all he’s known. It makes him slower to act, more conservative, because he’s been educated that way,” Shawn countered.
PJ shrugged. “We all have to live with the choices we make. Or don’t make. He owes me a lot of words, and a lot of deeds. I haven’t received any of them. So while I don’t think he’s Fee, I think he needs to figure out who he is before I’d go tossing my power – which is minor, really – behind him.”
“If he comes to a meeting with you, me, and Julie to talk about how we’re going to take Colman into the future, would you consider that a meaningful step?”
“You’ve been planning, haven’t you? Why not you then? Or Julie?”
“Because Jay has been groomed for this his whole life. You have no idea what it’s like.”
“I don’t, no. But I’m making my way. Because no one at my place of employment found it necessary to attempt to keep me on. You need to remember that, because I sure as hell do.”
“You said you wanted to make a point by leaving. We tried to back you up. You can’t have it both ways.” Her favorite thing about Shawn was that he never let her get past him with an argument he thought was fast and loose. It had always meant to her that he believed her capable of backing up her choices.
“I’m not talking about you and Julie. I left. That’s the way I’m trying to have it. That way I can make my own mistakes and fix them. That way I can look at myself in the mirror each morning and know my boss thinks I’m worthy. I left. I thought it would make a difference. I was wrong.” She shrugged.
“You’re just going to quit your plan? Along with quitting your job.”
She’d missed this sibling back-and-forth with Shawn. “Nope. I quit my old job because Colman sells tires and that’s all they want to do. You’re all great at it, but that’s not what I want to do. My job now is awesome. My plan was to be relevant to this industry. It was to broaden our appeal and serve more customers than Colman did at that time. I’d hoped it would make a difference with Dad, yes. I’ve sent him my receipts for the last three months. I’ve forwarded him articles and pieces about what I’m doing. He hasn’t replied. My plan didn’t work the way I hoped it would. I wanted to come back. I wanted a place at Colman I’d helped build. But I can’t do either of those things because I don’t have the ear of anyone with a vote. So you can sit here and make it my fault that our brother won’t stand up, or that our father is useless and would rather drink too much and play golf than let his children build for the future. But we both know the truth.”
“I don’t want you to give up because it’s hard. It is hard. And I’m sorry you’re the one who has to bear the weight of this. But if you walk off, it weakens us.”
PJ threw her hands up, frustrated. “Then why wasn’t this presented to me weeks ago? Why didn’t anyone else bring it up? I’ve got to be the one to get punched in the face again because why? How does my leaving weaken you anyway? Shawn, has it not occurred to you that they don’t want me back? That my leaving is exactly what they wanted?” She couldn’t stop the crack in her voice and he softened his tone in response.
“What about our feelings? What about what Julie, Jay, and I think? We want you back.”
“I’m still your sister. I love you and Julie and Jay. I just referred someone to you for tires this week, as it happens. But sometimes you need to let go so you can truly be better. I respect myself. The people I work with respect me. That means everything. I’ll meet with you guys if you can actually make it happen, but it’s going to take a lot more than I originally thought it would to get me back there. I’m not sure at this point if there is anything that could bring me to Colman again.”
She couldn’t make her father see her for the amazing person she was. She couldn’t. But she could make every person who ever hired her know she was capable of really good work.
Chapter Twenty
She came to the door looking so pretty he paused to just take a long look. This was his. It had long ceased to matter how she’d ended up in his life, only that she remained there.
He bent to kiss her.
“You look very handsome,” she said, smoothing a palm down his shirtfront.
“What other assumptions can I make? I mean, really. I haven’t heard a single word from him in months. I’ve left him messages. I’ve texted him a few times. Nothing. So okay. I hope his new income with my clients gets him some therapy and maybe some management classes. But he’s doing nothing that I can see, so what other choices do I have?”
“Did you think we all should have quit in solidarity?”
She rolled her eyes. “Stop. I never asked for, nor do I expect, that. You’re all happy in some way, so why would you leave? If I’d been listened to and valued, I’d have stayed too. I love my family, Shawn. I just don’t think you all get to make me feel like shit for the rest of my life because I dropped out of college and have a ring in my eyebrow. Oh, and a uterus.”
“I’m sitting here begging you to come back. So why would I want you to feel like shit? I want you back at Colman because it’s yours. As much as it’s mine and Julie’s and Jay’s. I think you judge him too harshly. Jay, I mean. He knows how to run a company. It’s all he’s known. It makes him slower to act, more conservative, because he’s been educated that way,” Shawn countered.
PJ shrugged. “We all have to live with the choices we make. Or don’t make. He owes me a lot of words, and a lot of deeds. I haven’t received any of them. So while I don’t think he’s Fee, I think he needs to figure out who he is before I’d go tossing my power – which is minor, really – behind him.”
“If he comes to a meeting with you, me, and Julie to talk about how we’re going to take Colman into the future, would you consider that a meaningful step?”
“You’ve been planning, haven’t you? Why not you then? Or Julie?”
“Because Jay has been groomed for this his whole life. You have no idea what it’s like.”
“I don’t, no. But I’m making my way. Because no one at my place of employment found it necessary to attempt to keep me on. You need to remember that, because I sure as hell do.”
“You said you wanted to make a point by leaving. We tried to back you up. You can’t have it both ways.” Her favorite thing about Shawn was that he never let her get past him with an argument he thought was fast and loose. It had always meant to her that he believed her capable of backing up her choices.
“I’m not talking about you and Julie. I left. That’s the way I’m trying to have it. That way I can make my own mistakes and fix them. That way I can look at myself in the mirror each morning and know my boss thinks I’m worthy. I left. I thought it would make a difference. I was wrong.” She shrugged.
“You’re just going to quit your plan? Along with quitting your job.”
She’d missed this sibling back-and-forth with Shawn. “Nope. I quit my old job because Colman sells tires and that’s all they want to do. You’re all great at it, but that’s not what I want to do. My job now is awesome. My plan was to be relevant to this industry. It was to broaden our appeal and serve more customers than Colman did at that time. I’d hoped it would make a difference with Dad, yes. I’ve sent him my receipts for the last three months. I’ve forwarded him articles and pieces about what I’m doing. He hasn’t replied. My plan didn’t work the way I hoped it would. I wanted to come back. I wanted a place at Colman I’d helped build. But I can’t do either of those things because I don’t have the ear of anyone with a vote. So you can sit here and make it my fault that our brother won’t stand up, or that our father is useless and would rather drink too much and play golf than let his children build for the future. But we both know the truth.”
“I don’t want you to give up because it’s hard. It is hard. And I’m sorry you’re the one who has to bear the weight of this. But if you walk off, it weakens us.”
PJ threw her hands up, frustrated. “Then why wasn’t this presented to me weeks ago? Why didn’t anyone else bring it up? I’ve got to be the one to get punched in the face again because why? How does my leaving weaken you anyway? Shawn, has it not occurred to you that they don’t want me back? That my leaving is exactly what they wanted?” She couldn’t stop the crack in her voice and he softened his tone in response.
“What about our feelings? What about what Julie, Jay, and I think? We want you back.”
“I’m still your sister. I love you and Julie and Jay. I just referred someone to you for tires this week, as it happens. But sometimes you need to let go so you can truly be better. I respect myself. The people I work with respect me. That means everything. I’ll meet with you guys if you can actually make it happen, but it’s going to take a lot more than I originally thought it would to get me back there. I’m not sure at this point if there is anything that could bring me to Colman again.”
She couldn’t make her father see her for the amazing person she was. She couldn’t. But she could make every person who ever hired her know she was capable of really good work.
Chapter Twenty
She came to the door looking so pretty he paused to just take a long look. This was his. It had long ceased to matter how she’d ended up in his life, only that she remained there.
He bent to kiss her.
“You look very handsome,” she said, smoothing a palm down his shirtfront.
