Out of the Shallows
Page 51

“Well, what do you want to hear, Charley?” She narrowed her eyes right back at me. “That waking up from a fourteen-day coma was petrifying? That I had nightmares for months? That my fiancé worries every time I step outside the door? That I’ve developed a fear of yellow cabs? That I had to be emotionally and mentally evaluated and cleared before they’d let me start work? That all of this pales in comparison to the fact that nine months ago, my little sister stopped talking to me and I feel like I’ve been missing an arm ever since?”
I held her stare and let her anger and hurt flood into me like a tsunami. She deserved the chance to let me have it and I believed I deserved to take it.
“So are you going to say anything ever again?” Andie asked patiently. She glanced at the clock on the mantel above her fireplace. “It’s been ten minutes.”
I eased back against her sofa. “I’m trying to put the right words together to apologize but I can’t. There are no right words. I’m sorry we argued. I’m sorry I chose Jake over you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you for weeks. And I am beyond sorry that I couldn’t get unstuck from the quagmire I’ve found myself in since Jake… and everything… I’m sorry I didn’t get unstuck and brave and face you. I’m sorry I didn’t help you get through this.”
Andie placed coffee on the table in front of me before sitting back down on the armchair, her own mug clasped in her hands. She curled her feet underneath her and took a sip.
I waited for her to say something.
I’d been waiting for twenty minutes.
“Are you going to say anything now?”
She cocked her head to the side to study me. “What would you like me to say?”
“I don’t know. Anything.”
“You’re lying.”
I almost rolled my eyes. She was using her therapist voice. I refrained and nodded. “Okay, I admit it. I want you to forgive me.”
Time seemed to move slowly as I waited for Andie’s reply. She made me wait while she sipped her coffee until there was nothing left to sip. I waited while she leaned forward to place her empty mug on the table before slowly sitting back.
“Does this lengthy silence mean it’s irreparable?”
Andie’s expression turned curious at the question. “What’s irreparable?”
“The damage I’ve done to this family.”
She was silent so long, I feared we were about to sit through another twenty minutes of torturous quiet, but then her expression turned pained. “I knew it. I hoped I was wrong, but I knew it.”
“Knew what?”
“That the reason it’s taken you this long to turn up on my doorstep is because you’ve taken on the blame for this whole thing.”
Shocked, I said, “Don’t you blame me for this whole thing?”
Instead of answering my question, Andie leaned forward. “Is it true you took the LSATs? That you’re going to law school?”
I wasn’t there to discuss my future career. I was there to mend our relationship. “Andie—”
She held up a hand, cutting me off. “Law school?”
I sighed and reluctantly nodded. “Yes. Law school.”
“Last time we spoke, you’d decided to pursue the police academy. I want to know what changed.”
“Why are we talking about this?”
Andie raised an eyebrow at me. “Because it’s important.”
“An answer any time now would be good.”
I didn’t want to talk about my career or anything that wasn’t about Andie and repairing our relationship. This time was supposed to be about her. But I’d been sitting there for ten minutes trying to dodge the question.
I heaved another sigh. “I would think it was obvious.” When she made no reply, I continued, “Andie, you didn’t see what your accident did to Mom and Dad. They held it together but barely. They nearly lost you and it took its toll. It made them… fragile, vulnerable in a way I didn’t expect, in a way that scared me. I don’t ever want to put them through something like that again. You don’t know how relieved they were when I told them I wouldn’t pursue a career as a cop.”
I could tell by the look in her eyes that my sister understood, but there was something else there too. “And what about you? What about what you want? What about your happiness?”
“I’m not doing this out of martyrdom. I don’t want them to have to go through that again. I wanted to be a cop. But I need my family to be okay more. I’m compromising.” I leaned forward, hoping she could see the sincerity in my eyes. “It was hard to make that decision. And yes, I feel a little lost right now, but I don’t regret giving Mom and Dad peace of mind. Careers… they come and go, right? It’s the people in our lives who are important. So I’m okay with this decision.”
After a few moments, Andie nodded. “Okay.”
“I felt lost for a while after the accident,” Andie spoke up, breaking the silence.
I waited for her to elaborate.
“You said you feel lost.” She explained, “I’m just saying, I get it. Everything felt different after the accident. Mom and Dad were different. Even Rick. And you… you weren’t there at all. Was part of that because you feel lost?”
I nodded. “You’re a part of me. Like a limb. Like lungs. To be me, truly me, I need you in my life. It’s always going to be hard for me to find myself if you’re not in my life.” Emotion clawed at my chest. “I couldn’t move past the guilt and it changed me. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.”
“I was mad at you,” she said. “Like I mentioned before, when I was in recovery, I was pretty scared. I’ve never been scared like that and that’s partly because I’ve always had this brave little sister in my life who somehow managed to make me feel safe.” She glanced away and I caught the shimmer in her eyes. “I was lost too and I was mad at you.”
I looked at my hands, trying to find the right words. “I don’t know how to make sense of why. I can try to explain…”
“I’m listening,” she prompted.
My stomach flipped as it all rushed me, all the reasons my life had spiraled out of control these last few months. It all tumbled out of my mouth, just like it had done with Jake. “I felt like I was being punished. Your accident, I felt like it was punishment for the way I treated you, for putting Jake before you. The guilt was just…” I sucked it up and for the next twenty minutes, I told her everything I’d confessed to Jake. My terror that Andie would die. My guilt, my bargain with God, the resentment, and then the paralysis when she woke up.