“Apparently, I’d taken her boyfriend’s spot on the hockey team and she wanted to get back at me. Well, her boyfriend and some of his buddies were calling me names and fucking with me outside as we stood next to Robbie’s car.” He paused and it was like a wave of pain just washed over him. She could see the light slowly leaving his eyes. “I told the dude to fuck off. If I wasn’t hurt—I had dislocated my shoulder in gym the day before—I would have just kicked his ass. But he kept coming at me, and then Robbie stepped in. They called him names, saying that he was my boyfriend and stupid childish stuff like that. Robbie, being the hothead he was, didn’t hold back. He whaled on the dude, and then it all happened so fast. Someone pulled out a knife, and then they were stabbing him in the back of the neck.”
She hadn’t realized she had started crying until a tear fell on her arm. Wiping it away, she kept her eyes trained on him as he sucked in a deep breath.
“He died right there, and I felt like the world should have stopped, they should have mourned with me, but they didn’t. It was like he was nothing to no one, and when his mom turned on me, blaming me, it only made it worse.”
“And the drinking started?”
He nodded. “Yup, I didn’t have to think of the blood or his lifeless eyes when I was drunk.”
Julie nodded. “You know it’s not your fault, right?” she asked and he shrugged.
“Yeah, I know, but it doesn’t make the pain stop, or make me forget.”
“Because you haven’t fully forgiven yourself,” she said slowly and Kacey’s hand squeezed his. “Same with Kacey. You’ve spoken many times about what you did to her, and I know you still hold so much guilt. Especially with the miscarriage.”
Kacey looked up at him, seeing the tears welling up in his eyes, and she broke. It hurt her because she had gone through it, but they had never really spoken about it. She hadn’t realized that he was hurting because of it as well. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against his shoulder as he slowly nodded.
“I should have been there. I should have been a man and done right by her.”
“Yes, but everyone makes mistakes.”
“I know that, and I own up to mine. But because of my mistakes, my betrayal, and my rejection, she questions us. She believes that this life I am working so hard to give her will be taken from her in an instant, and it kills me.”
Biting into her lip, she looked up at him as the tears slowly rolled down his face, disappearing into his beard.
“We are buying a house, and I see it in her eyes. She wants to say, ‘But what if we break up?’ And I just hate it. I’m not leaving her. And she isn’t leaving me. I will fight tooth and nail to keep her, to be healthy for her, and to be the man she wants. I just want to ease her concerns, but I don’t know how, and it all goes back to my biggest regret. I wish I wouldn’t have pushed her away. I did this, and I’m worried that her fears, her apprehension with me, will never go away.”
Kacey was fully crying, snot and tears rushing down her face as she watched him come undone and be completely and utterly honest. She hadn’t meant to make him feel this way. It was her issues, her fears that were mentally fucking her. She never meant for them to come out and affect him. He was supposed to be getting healthy, not worrying about what she felt. Closing her eyes, she squeezed his hands as her heart jackhammered in her chest.
“Have you told her this?”
He shook his head and then shrugged. “I guess I just did,” he said, looking over at Kacey, his own heart in his eyes.
“Have you forgiven him, Kacey?” Julie asked her then, but Kacey couldn’t tear her gaze from him.
Sucking in a breath, she nodded. “I have, and I’m sorry, Jordie. I didn’t mean to make you feel this way.”
“No, it’s fine, I caused those feelings.”
“But I need to let them go. I need to do what I said, and that is that I’ve forgiven you and we are moving forward.”
“Exactly,” Julie agreed, handing Kacey a tissue. “If you two are going to make it, you have to communicate what you are feeling. Jordie, you’re so used to keeping everything inside and you can’t do that. It won’t help your recovery if you hold everything in.”
He nodded. “I’ve been better,” he pointed out and Kacey nodded.
“He has,” she said, leaning into him. “We communicate.”
“But Kacey, I feel like you are so nervous to hurt him, to drive him to drinking that you won’t share what you’re feeling and your anxiety. He can’t advance in his recovery if he is continually trying to make you feel good about you two and not succeeding.”
She was right, and Kacey hated that she hadn’t seen that she was doing that.
“This is hard,” she admitted, her eyes flooding with tears and Jordie nodded.
“It is hard, but I want this to work.”
“I do too, I really do,” she whispered, pressing her nose to his. “I don’t want any other hard but you, Jordie.”
“And it will work,” Julie agreed. “As long as you two communicate. I like that you are coming with him, Kacey. Please continue to do so.”
She nodded, getting lost in his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here.”
“Damn right,” he said, his mouth curving up before he pressed his lips to her nose. As his lips warmed the tip of her nose, she felt as if a billion-pound weight had been lifted off her chest. She’d thought a couple weeks ago that she had let go of her nervousness, but she hadn’t. Seeing Jordie come undone, how she was causing him pain with her worries over losing him, really opened her eyes. She was stressing about nothing. Jordie was there, Jordie loved her, and together, they would conquer whatever storm came their way.
She hadn’t realized she had started crying until a tear fell on her arm. Wiping it away, she kept her eyes trained on him as he sucked in a deep breath.
“He died right there, and I felt like the world should have stopped, they should have mourned with me, but they didn’t. It was like he was nothing to no one, and when his mom turned on me, blaming me, it only made it worse.”
“And the drinking started?”
He nodded. “Yup, I didn’t have to think of the blood or his lifeless eyes when I was drunk.”
Julie nodded. “You know it’s not your fault, right?” she asked and he shrugged.
“Yeah, I know, but it doesn’t make the pain stop, or make me forget.”
“Because you haven’t fully forgiven yourself,” she said slowly and Kacey’s hand squeezed his. “Same with Kacey. You’ve spoken many times about what you did to her, and I know you still hold so much guilt. Especially with the miscarriage.”
Kacey looked up at him, seeing the tears welling up in his eyes, and she broke. It hurt her because she had gone through it, but they had never really spoken about it. She hadn’t realized that he was hurting because of it as well. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against his shoulder as he slowly nodded.
“I should have been there. I should have been a man and done right by her.”
“Yes, but everyone makes mistakes.”
“I know that, and I own up to mine. But because of my mistakes, my betrayal, and my rejection, she questions us. She believes that this life I am working so hard to give her will be taken from her in an instant, and it kills me.”
Biting into her lip, she looked up at him as the tears slowly rolled down his face, disappearing into his beard.
“We are buying a house, and I see it in her eyes. She wants to say, ‘But what if we break up?’ And I just hate it. I’m not leaving her. And she isn’t leaving me. I will fight tooth and nail to keep her, to be healthy for her, and to be the man she wants. I just want to ease her concerns, but I don’t know how, and it all goes back to my biggest regret. I wish I wouldn’t have pushed her away. I did this, and I’m worried that her fears, her apprehension with me, will never go away.”
Kacey was fully crying, snot and tears rushing down her face as she watched him come undone and be completely and utterly honest. She hadn’t meant to make him feel this way. It was her issues, her fears that were mentally fucking her. She never meant for them to come out and affect him. He was supposed to be getting healthy, not worrying about what she felt. Closing her eyes, she squeezed his hands as her heart jackhammered in her chest.
“Have you told her this?”
He shook his head and then shrugged. “I guess I just did,” he said, looking over at Kacey, his own heart in his eyes.
“Have you forgiven him, Kacey?” Julie asked her then, but Kacey couldn’t tear her gaze from him.
Sucking in a breath, she nodded. “I have, and I’m sorry, Jordie. I didn’t mean to make you feel this way.”
“No, it’s fine, I caused those feelings.”
“But I need to let them go. I need to do what I said, and that is that I’ve forgiven you and we are moving forward.”
“Exactly,” Julie agreed, handing Kacey a tissue. “If you two are going to make it, you have to communicate what you are feeling. Jordie, you’re so used to keeping everything inside and you can’t do that. It won’t help your recovery if you hold everything in.”
He nodded. “I’ve been better,” he pointed out and Kacey nodded.
“He has,” she said, leaning into him. “We communicate.”
“But Kacey, I feel like you are so nervous to hurt him, to drive him to drinking that you won’t share what you’re feeling and your anxiety. He can’t advance in his recovery if he is continually trying to make you feel good about you two and not succeeding.”
She was right, and Kacey hated that she hadn’t seen that she was doing that.
“This is hard,” she admitted, her eyes flooding with tears and Jordie nodded.
“It is hard, but I want this to work.”
“I do too, I really do,” she whispered, pressing her nose to his. “I don’t want any other hard but you, Jordie.”
“And it will work,” Julie agreed. “As long as you two communicate. I like that you are coming with him, Kacey. Please continue to do so.”
She nodded, getting lost in his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here.”
“Damn right,” he said, his mouth curving up before he pressed his lips to her nose. As his lips warmed the tip of her nose, she felt as if a billion-pound weight had been lifted off her chest. She’d thought a couple weeks ago that she had let go of her nervousness, but she hadn’t. Seeing Jordie come undone, how she was causing him pain with her worries over losing him, really opened her eyes. She was stressing about nothing. Jordie was there, Jordie loved her, and together, they would conquer whatever storm came their way.
