“Yeah, and for a long time, I just floated through life. Then one day, I woke up in the alley of the bar I had gone to, and along the wall was a mirror. When I saw my reflection, it was as if Ava was looking back at me, disgusted,” he muttered, and Jordie could sense he was about to start crying. Who could blame him? It might have been eleven years ago, but the pain was obviously still raw. “I went straight to the closest church and I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, for strength, and I apologized not only to God, but to Ava, Leary, and Silas. Then I went to rehab and checked myself in. Never looked back either. Not one relapse in eleven years, and while some days I wouldn’t mind having a drink, others I’m glad that I gave it up.”
“How though? Did you have support?”
Benji shook his head. “Just my sponsor, Richie. I still, to this day, don’t talk to my family.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I live by the motto, if you don’t add to my life, you’re out of my life. And because of that, anyone who didn’t contribute to making me better, I left behind. I work every day to make a better me. I’m nowhere near perfect, believe me, but I want to be the man I was before the accident. I want to move on, I want to try again. Even though it really does give me anxiety,” he said with a laugh, but there was no humor in the sound. “I have my faith, and that’s helped me a lot too.”
Jordie nodded. “I’ve depended a lot on mine, even though I just found it.”
“Which is okay. For a long time, I was mad at God for taking them from me, but then I thank God for helping me get up and find help.”
“For sure, bro,” Jordie agreed, nodding his head. “Not sure it will mean anything, but I’m proud of you.”
Benji grinned. “Thanks, you too, bro. You’re doing great.”
Jordie grimaced a little as he shrugged. “I thought I was, but lately things have been tough.”
“Anything you want to share?”
Not really, but maybe he’d know how to handle it. “My mom is a bitch to the tenth power who doesn’t give two shits about me except for when she needs me.”
“Cut her out,” he said simply. “Tell her you want nothing from her.”
Jordie nodded. “See, I know this. But how do I do that to the person who gave me life?”
“Because if you don’t, she’ll take the life she gave,” he said matter-of-factly. “My mom looked me in the eyes and told me she hated me for taking her baby from her. I can still hear those words, feel them rattle my soul. And you know what? I gave her one chance to apologize afterward, when I’d been sober for two years. When she didn’t take that chance, called the police to escort me off her property, I told her she was dead to me and walked away. Was it hard? Yes. Do I miss her? Every day. But she gave up on me, she didn’t care about me the way she should have. My dad too. And, yeah, it hurts, but I had to think of me. We are in survival mode, Jordie, and some people may call us selfish, but I call it making us better.”
Jordie looked down, picking up a piece of sushi before throwing it in his mouth. “My mom is getting married for the tenth time. She’s loved the men she’s married more than me every time.”
“And she will never love you. If by now, after however many years you’ve been alive, she still hasn’t come around, she won’t. Stop letting her hurt you and cut her out.”
Jordie nodded, his heart pounding in his chest as Benji held his gaze. “And when you do it, don’t think of it as a loss, think of it as a win. Something you have to do to make you better. Because in the end, only the people who have helped lift you up through your recovery will be the people who matter.”
Jordie knew very well who those people were, and his mother was not on that list. When his phone sounded with an email, he looked down to see that it was from her. It was the reservation information for dinner. With no “I love yous,” “can’t wait to see you,” or “see you soon.” Nothing, just the restaurant and the time. Soon his heart picked up in speed and his throat started to close. He knew what he had to do. He felt it, knew the words he needed to say, but still, like a child, he wanted her love.
“She won’t ever love you though,” Benji said, and Jordie hadn’t realized he had said what he was thinking out loud. “She’ll continue to hurt you, until you start hurting other people and you’re all alone. Then I’ll read about you in the news, offing yourself. So really, you need to decide what’s more important: her love, or the love of all the people that help lift you up?”
Before he could answer, Benji nodded. “The love of the people that lift you up: Kacey, Karson, just to name a few.”
“Exactly,” Jordie agreed just as his phone rang. Looking down, he saw Kacey’s smiling face and he smiled back before saying, “My girl is calling. Give me a few.”
As he answered, Benji nodded before reaching for the remote and Jordie said, “Hey, there.”
Kacey looked back at him, her hair wet and her face red like she had been crying. “Hey, you crying?”
She shook her head. “No, new face cream, my face is on fire. What are you doing?”
“Talking with Benji. Oh, and my mom emailed me the reservations for dinner.”
She made a face as her lip went between her teeth. “Are we going?”
He smiled; he loved that she automatically assumed she was going. He wanted her to go, to be there for him, but maybe he should do it alone. “Maybe I should go alone?”
“How though? Did you have support?”
Benji shook his head. “Just my sponsor, Richie. I still, to this day, don’t talk to my family.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I live by the motto, if you don’t add to my life, you’re out of my life. And because of that, anyone who didn’t contribute to making me better, I left behind. I work every day to make a better me. I’m nowhere near perfect, believe me, but I want to be the man I was before the accident. I want to move on, I want to try again. Even though it really does give me anxiety,” he said with a laugh, but there was no humor in the sound. “I have my faith, and that’s helped me a lot too.”
Jordie nodded. “I’ve depended a lot on mine, even though I just found it.”
“Which is okay. For a long time, I was mad at God for taking them from me, but then I thank God for helping me get up and find help.”
“For sure, bro,” Jordie agreed, nodding his head. “Not sure it will mean anything, but I’m proud of you.”
Benji grinned. “Thanks, you too, bro. You’re doing great.”
Jordie grimaced a little as he shrugged. “I thought I was, but lately things have been tough.”
“Anything you want to share?”
Not really, but maybe he’d know how to handle it. “My mom is a bitch to the tenth power who doesn’t give two shits about me except for when she needs me.”
“Cut her out,” he said simply. “Tell her you want nothing from her.”
Jordie nodded. “See, I know this. But how do I do that to the person who gave me life?”
“Because if you don’t, she’ll take the life she gave,” he said matter-of-factly. “My mom looked me in the eyes and told me she hated me for taking her baby from her. I can still hear those words, feel them rattle my soul. And you know what? I gave her one chance to apologize afterward, when I’d been sober for two years. When she didn’t take that chance, called the police to escort me off her property, I told her she was dead to me and walked away. Was it hard? Yes. Do I miss her? Every day. But she gave up on me, she didn’t care about me the way she should have. My dad too. And, yeah, it hurts, but I had to think of me. We are in survival mode, Jordie, and some people may call us selfish, but I call it making us better.”
Jordie looked down, picking up a piece of sushi before throwing it in his mouth. “My mom is getting married for the tenth time. She’s loved the men she’s married more than me every time.”
“And she will never love you. If by now, after however many years you’ve been alive, she still hasn’t come around, she won’t. Stop letting her hurt you and cut her out.”
Jordie nodded, his heart pounding in his chest as Benji held his gaze. “And when you do it, don’t think of it as a loss, think of it as a win. Something you have to do to make you better. Because in the end, only the people who have helped lift you up through your recovery will be the people who matter.”
Jordie knew very well who those people were, and his mother was not on that list. When his phone sounded with an email, he looked down to see that it was from her. It was the reservation information for dinner. With no “I love yous,” “can’t wait to see you,” or “see you soon.” Nothing, just the restaurant and the time. Soon his heart picked up in speed and his throat started to close. He knew what he had to do. He felt it, knew the words he needed to say, but still, like a child, he wanted her love.
“She won’t ever love you though,” Benji said, and Jordie hadn’t realized he had said what he was thinking out loud. “She’ll continue to hurt you, until you start hurting other people and you’re all alone. Then I’ll read about you in the news, offing yourself. So really, you need to decide what’s more important: her love, or the love of all the people that help lift you up?”
Before he could answer, Benji nodded. “The love of the people that lift you up: Kacey, Karson, just to name a few.”
“Exactly,” Jordie agreed just as his phone rang. Looking down, he saw Kacey’s smiling face and he smiled back before saying, “My girl is calling. Give me a few.”
As he answered, Benji nodded before reaching for the remote and Jordie said, “Hey, there.”
Kacey looked back at him, her hair wet and her face red like she had been crying. “Hey, you crying?”
She shook her head. “No, new face cream, my face is on fire. What are you doing?”
“Talking with Benji. Oh, and my mom emailed me the reservations for dinner.”
She made a face as her lip went between her teeth. “Are we going?”
He smiled; he loved that she automatically assumed she was going. He wanted her to go, to be there for him, but maybe he should do it alone. “Maybe I should go alone?”
