But Kacey shook her head. “I’m not gonna tell him.”
Lacey’s head whipped back to her, and Kacey was surprised she didn’t give herself whiplash. “What?!” she shrieked. “Are you insane?”
“No, listen,” she said, holding her hands out. “We are already worried he can’t handle it—”
“But Kacey, if he found out you hid it from him and then lost the baby, he’d lose it. That alone would have him looking for the bottle because you didn’t include him in something life-altering. You can’t do that,” she stressed, her head shaking and her eyes wide. “Seriously. You can’t. You have to tell him. I get not telling the family, but you have to tell Jordie.”
“But what if I lose it?”
She shrugged. “I guess it’s the true test of your relationship, huh? His sobriety and everything. Yeah, it’s a lot, and I agree that maybe you should have made sure you had an IUD in or, hell, used some condoms, but there is no changing that now. You’re in it to win it, and soon he will be too.”
Kacey’s tears came faster down her face as she slowly shook her head. “I don’t want to hurt him by not telling him, but I also don’t want him to have the anxiety I have.”
But Lacey shook her head. “You have to tell him, Kacey. Seriously.”
She bit the inside of her cheek and didn’t say anything else as she got dressed. She walked in silence to make her next appointment and still said nothing when Lacey talked her into getting her feet done. As the lady painted her toes and massaged her feet, Kacey sat there, hating that she couldn’t tell the future. She wanted to know what would happen. If she’d keep the baby and if they’d be happy. She wanted the reassurance, but life never gave it. It was a constantly changing traffic light, and you never knew what you were gonna get when you came up on it. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was all right, and sometimes it was downright bad.
Placing her hand on her stomach, she looked down as her eyes welled up with tears. She wanted to be excited, happy, but the thought of what losing this baby would mean was too great, and soon the tears were rolling down her cheeks again. So much was going on. Jordie was finally on the ice, enjoying it. His sobriety was going great and he was doing well. But his mother’s visit loomed over them and she wasn’t sure what would happen. That woman had the power to knock him back a hundred odd days, and he’d be right back where he was.
And so would she.
Loving a man who couldn’t be the man she wanted.
But this time she’d be stuck, because there was no way Jordie wouldn’t be there for his child and she knew she wouldn’t leave him. She’d stay, trying to fix him and raise their child, all while being so fucking unhappy that her life wouldn’t matter.
No. That wouldn’t happen.
Taking Kacey’s hand in hers, Lacey squeezed it, demanding her attention. As she met Kacey’s brown-eyed gaze, Lacey smiled. “Don’t cry, it’s gonna be great.”
“Maybe I should wait till after his mom comes?”
But she was already shaking her head. “No, you tell him as soon as he gets home. Don’t do it on the phone. He’s gonna wanna kiss and love on you.”
Bringing her lip between her teeth, she shrugged. “But all this at once? His mom is gonna be here in a week’s time.”
“So? He’s got this; you’ve said that yourself.”
She had.
And she had to believe that, or like the therapist, Karson, and everyone else said, she’d be the one to ruin them.
“Does he want this, Kacey?” she asked, and Kacey looked up. “I mean, obviously, since you guys weren’t using protection, he had to know this could happen.”
She nodded. “Yeah, it was mentioned a while back after the first time we hooked up again. But I brushed it off because I trusted the IUD that I don’t have in me.”
She smiled. “That’s kinda funny.”
“To who?” she asked and Lacey smiled.
“I guess just me,” she said offhandedly, but then she shrugged. “Do you want this?”
“You know I do.”
“Then what’s the problem? If it all comes crashing down and Jordie relapses, at least you’ll have the baby you wanted. And it will be with the man you love.”
“But can’t even have,” she said, and Lacey looked away. “I’d stay because I love him so much and he’d ruin me. I really didn’t fucking think this through.”
Her tears came faster as she slowly shook her head. “I rushed into this, jumped in bed with him, and just fucking loved him. I didn’t think through what would happen if he failed because I wanted to believe he wouldn’t. I wanted to think he’d beat this and be the man I want.”
“Then believe it!” Lacey yelled, getting the attention of most of the clients in the salon. “Stop doubting him.”
“I don’t doubt him!” Kacey yelled back and Lacey glared.
“Obviously, you do or you wouldn’t be saying all this,” she pointed out. And this time, Kacey was glaring.
“I’m scared out of my mind, Lacey. I want to trust my gut and know that I made the right decision. But what if I was thinking with my heart and not my brain?”
“You did!” she yelled, her eyes wide. “With all your heart, and that’s okay. Because if it ends, at least you know you’ve tried and you’ll regret nothing.”
Lacey’s head whipped back to her, and Kacey was surprised she didn’t give herself whiplash. “What?!” she shrieked. “Are you insane?”
“No, listen,” she said, holding her hands out. “We are already worried he can’t handle it—”
“But Kacey, if he found out you hid it from him and then lost the baby, he’d lose it. That alone would have him looking for the bottle because you didn’t include him in something life-altering. You can’t do that,” she stressed, her head shaking and her eyes wide. “Seriously. You can’t. You have to tell him. I get not telling the family, but you have to tell Jordie.”
“But what if I lose it?”
She shrugged. “I guess it’s the true test of your relationship, huh? His sobriety and everything. Yeah, it’s a lot, and I agree that maybe you should have made sure you had an IUD in or, hell, used some condoms, but there is no changing that now. You’re in it to win it, and soon he will be too.”
Kacey’s tears came faster down her face as she slowly shook her head. “I don’t want to hurt him by not telling him, but I also don’t want him to have the anxiety I have.”
But Lacey shook her head. “You have to tell him, Kacey. Seriously.”
She bit the inside of her cheek and didn’t say anything else as she got dressed. She walked in silence to make her next appointment and still said nothing when Lacey talked her into getting her feet done. As the lady painted her toes and massaged her feet, Kacey sat there, hating that she couldn’t tell the future. She wanted to know what would happen. If she’d keep the baby and if they’d be happy. She wanted the reassurance, but life never gave it. It was a constantly changing traffic light, and you never knew what you were gonna get when you came up on it. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was all right, and sometimes it was downright bad.
Placing her hand on her stomach, she looked down as her eyes welled up with tears. She wanted to be excited, happy, but the thought of what losing this baby would mean was too great, and soon the tears were rolling down her cheeks again. So much was going on. Jordie was finally on the ice, enjoying it. His sobriety was going great and he was doing well. But his mother’s visit loomed over them and she wasn’t sure what would happen. That woman had the power to knock him back a hundred odd days, and he’d be right back where he was.
And so would she.
Loving a man who couldn’t be the man she wanted.
But this time she’d be stuck, because there was no way Jordie wouldn’t be there for his child and she knew she wouldn’t leave him. She’d stay, trying to fix him and raise their child, all while being so fucking unhappy that her life wouldn’t matter.
No. That wouldn’t happen.
Taking Kacey’s hand in hers, Lacey squeezed it, demanding her attention. As she met Kacey’s brown-eyed gaze, Lacey smiled. “Don’t cry, it’s gonna be great.”
“Maybe I should wait till after his mom comes?”
But she was already shaking her head. “No, you tell him as soon as he gets home. Don’t do it on the phone. He’s gonna wanna kiss and love on you.”
Bringing her lip between her teeth, she shrugged. “But all this at once? His mom is gonna be here in a week’s time.”
“So? He’s got this; you’ve said that yourself.”
She had.
And she had to believe that, or like the therapist, Karson, and everyone else said, she’d be the one to ruin them.
“Does he want this, Kacey?” she asked, and Kacey looked up. “I mean, obviously, since you guys weren’t using protection, he had to know this could happen.”
She nodded. “Yeah, it was mentioned a while back after the first time we hooked up again. But I brushed it off because I trusted the IUD that I don’t have in me.”
She smiled. “That’s kinda funny.”
“To who?” she asked and Lacey smiled.
“I guess just me,” she said offhandedly, but then she shrugged. “Do you want this?”
“You know I do.”
“Then what’s the problem? If it all comes crashing down and Jordie relapses, at least you’ll have the baby you wanted. And it will be with the man you love.”
“But can’t even have,” she said, and Lacey looked away. “I’d stay because I love him so much and he’d ruin me. I really didn’t fucking think this through.”
Her tears came faster as she slowly shook her head. “I rushed into this, jumped in bed with him, and just fucking loved him. I didn’t think through what would happen if he failed because I wanted to believe he wouldn’t. I wanted to think he’d beat this and be the man I want.”
“Then believe it!” Lacey yelled, getting the attention of most of the clients in the salon. “Stop doubting him.”
“I don’t doubt him!” Kacey yelled back and Lacey glared.
“Obviously, you do or you wouldn’t be saying all this,” she pointed out. And this time, Kacey was glaring.
“I’m scared out of my mind, Lacey. I want to trust my gut and know that I made the right decision. But what if I was thinking with my heart and not my brain?”
“You did!” she yelled, her eyes wide. “With all your heart, and that’s okay. Because if it ends, at least you know you’ve tried and you’ll regret nothing.”
