“So this was planned then?”
He shook his head. “Nope, complete surprise.”
“Is she excited?”
Looking down, he nodded, but he knew he was sort of lying. Kacey was happy, excited even, but the fear of miscarriage weighed heavy on her heart. She had told him more than once she didn’t want to fail him, and that gutted him. She gave him a chance when no one else would even think to, so it was easy to say that she couldn’t fail him. She just couldn’t.
“She’s scared of having another miscarriage,” he answered and Julie slowly nodded, her eyes on him. “She thinks she’s gonna fail me again—her words, not mine.”
“It’s hard when that kind of thing happens, especially since she was completely alone before.”
He nodded. “She won’t be ever again, though.”
“Good, but do you feel the same? Are you worried?”
He lifted his shoulder and leaned back in his chair, lacing his hands together behind his head. “I’m not thinking about it, honestly. All I care about is her being happy and healthy. I don’t think she’ll lose this one. I feel that we are in a good place, we are happy and ready for this.”
She smiled. “That’s good, I’m glad it’s not stressing you out. You don’t need the stress.”
He couldn’t agree more, but slowly he said, “Yeah.”
“Oh my, Jordie. That was a loaded yeah.”
He smiled, leaning on his thighs. In the short time he had been coming to Julie’s practice, he found that they just clicked. She was an older lady, sweet and really listened, but she also didn’t hold back when she felt he needed to know something. Clearing his throat, he looked up and said, “My mom is in town. I’m supposed to see her tonight for dinner.”
Her eyes widened for only a second before she slowly nodded. “You don’t talk about her much.”
“Because she’s a wack-job.”
“Yes, well, I guess you aren’t looking forward to this dinner?”
He shook his head. “No. I don’t want to go. She doesn’t care about me, probably doesn’t even love me.”
“Then why are you going?” she asked and he shook his head, biting his lip.
“For some pathetic reason, I want her to care, to love me.”
“Because she’s your mom.”
“Yeah, and I have no one— Well, no, I have Kacey and her family, but I really want that blood connection with someone, and I don’t have it.”
“I understand that,” she said slowly, the tip of her pen at her lip. “But, Jordie, she’s done nothing good for you, and I can see it in your body language, she really affects you. Can you share why you are so tensed up?”
Closing his eyes, he leaned on his hands as he pulled in a breath through his nose and let it out of his mouth. “Since I was a kid, she’s always put me on the back burner. The only person who mattered was her husband of the month. When I was molested, she didn’t believe me until the dude admitted it, and then she asked if I’d enticed him. The guy was superloaded, and she saw her meal ticket going out the door,” he added when her eyes widened. “She just has never done right by me. She doesn’t even know that I’ve been in rehab, or recovery. She hasn’t asked. She is demanding that I meet her new soon-to-be husband, but she doesn’t even want to meet Kacey. She just doesn’t care.”
She slowly nodded. “But you’re going?”
“I have to. I have to give her one last chance, and if she throws it in my face, then at least I tried.”
Letting out a long breath, she looked down, writing something before reaching over to hand it to him. “That is my number. If tonight after dinner you feel like you can’t handle something, call me if you need me. I’m gonna schedule you in for tomorrow too,” she said then, typing something on her phone, and his brows pulled together.
“Why?”
She looked up from her phone and said, “Because this is something that can trigger a relapse, and you’ve done so well, Jordie. We can’t let her do that.”
Looking down at the floor, he already knew this.
So why was he going?
As Jordie drove home, he repeatedly asked himself his previous question. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, and honestly, she didn’t even deserve a chance to be in his life. Sucking in a breath, he thought about his own child and how he was already so in love with it and he didn’t even know what it was. Why didn’t she feel the same? Why wasn’t he enough? It wasn’t fair, really. Her actions had affected him in so many ways, and he hadn’t ever analyzed how she made him feel.
For years, he’d begged for attention. And when the molestation happened, he was scared to even talk to another man for years. All the husbands that came through called him a mute, and maybe he was. But she never hugged him, kissed him, or told him she loved him. She ignored him and that rejection still stung. For years, he talked to no one, became a recluse, but then he met Robbie. Robbie got him out of his house, his family loved him, and Jordie was happy again. But then that was all taken away from him. Did his mother care?
Not even a little bit.
Then during his adult life, she wandered in and out of it. Only hitting him up for money when she was between husbands. And he would give it to her. He didn’t understand the hold she had on him, but it was downright sickening. He had to stand up to her, had to be a man because he was about to be a father. He had to set an example for his child and not allow anyone to walk all over him. Because Lord knows, Stacey walked, ran, and stomped all over Jordie, and he let her.
He shook his head. “Nope, complete surprise.”
“Is she excited?”
Looking down, he nodded, but he knew he was sort of lying. Kacey was happy, excited even, but the fear of miscarriage weighed heavy on her heart. She had told him more than once she didn’t want to fail him, and that gutted him. She gave him a chance when no one else would even think to, so it was easy to say that she couldn’t fail him. She just couldn’t.
“She’s scared of having another miscarriage,” he answered and Julie slowly nodded, her eyes on him. “She thinks she’s gonna fail me again—her words, not mine.”
“It’s hard when that kind of thing happens, especially since she was completely alone before.”
He nodded. “She won’t be ever again, though.”
“Good, but do you feel the same? Are you worried?”
He lifted his shoulder and leaned back in his chair, lacing his hands together behind his head. “I’m not thinking about it, honestly. All I care about is her being happy and healthy. I don’t think she’ll lose this one. I feel that we are in a good place, we are happy and ready for this.”
She smiled. “That’s good, I’m glad it’s not stressing you out. You don’t need the stress.”
He couldn’t agree more, but slowly he said, “Yeah.”
“Oh my, Jordie. That was a loaded yeah.”
He smiled, leaning on his thighs. In the short time he had been coming to Julie’s practice, he found that they just clicked. She was an older lady, sweet and really listened, but she also didn’t hold back when she felt he needed to know something. Clearing his throat, he looked up and said, “My mom is in town. I’m supposed to see her tonight for dinner.”
Her eyes widened for only a second before she slowly nodded. “You don’t talk about her much.”
“Because she’s a wack-job.”
“Yes, well, I guess you aren’t looking forward to this dinner?”
He shook his head. “No. I don’t want to go. She doesn’t care about me, probably doesn’t even love me.”
“Then why are you going?” she asked and he shook his head, biting his lip.
“For some pathetic reason, I want her to care, to love me.”
“Because she’s your mom.”
“Yeah, and I have no one— Well, no, I have Kacey and her family, but I really want that blood connection with someone, and I don’t have it.”
“I understand that,” she said slowly, the tip of her pen at her lip. “But, Jordie, she’s done nothing good for you, and I can see it in your body language, she really affects you. Can you share why you are so tensed up?”
Closing his eyes, he leaned on his hands as he pulled in a breath through his nose and let it out of his mouth. “Since I was a kid, she’s always put me on the back burner. The only person who mattered was her husband of the month. When I was molested, she didn’t believe me until the dude admitted it, and then she asked if I’d enticed him. The guy was superloaded, and she saw her meal ticket going out the door,” he added when her eyes widened. “She just has never done right by me. She doesn’t even know that I’ve been in rehab, or recovery. She hasn’t asked. She is demanding that I meet her new soon-to-be husband, but she doesn’t even want to meet Kacey. She just doesn’t care.”
She slowly nodded. “But you’re going?”
“I have to. I have to give her one last chance, and if she throws it in my face, then at least I tried.”
Letting out a long breath, she looked down, writing something before reaching over to hand it to him. “That is my number. If tonight after dinner you feel like you can’t handle something, call me if you need me. I’m gonna schedule you in for tomorrow too,” she said then, typing something on her phone, and his brows pulled together.
“Why?”
She looked up from her phone and said, “Because this is something that can trigger a relapse, and you’ve done so well, Jordie. We can’t let her do that.”
Looking down at the floor, he already knew this.
So why was he going?
As Jordie drove home, he repeatedly asked himself his previous question. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, and honestly, she didn’t even deserve a chance to be in his life. Sucking in a breath, he thought about his own child and how he was already so in love with it and he didn’t even know what it was. Why didn’t she feel the same? Why wasn’t he enough? It wasn’t fair, really. Her actions had affected him in so many ways, and he hadn’t ever analyzed how she made him feel.
For years, he’d begged for attention. And when the molestation happened, he was scared to even talk to another man for years. All the husbands that came through called him a mute, and maybe he was. But she never hugged him, kissed him, or told him she loved him. She ignored him and that rejection still stung. For years, he talked to no one, became a recluse, but then he met Robbie. Robbie got him out of his house, his family loved him, and Jordie was happy again. But then that was all taken away from him. Did his mother care?
Not even a little bit.
Then during his adult life, she wandered in and out of it. Only hitting him up for money when she was between husbands. And he would give it to her. He didn’t understand the hold she had on him, but it was downright sickening. He had to stand up to her, had to be a man because he was about to be a father. He had to set an example for his child and not allow anyone to walk all over him. Because Lord knows, Stacey walked, ran, and stomped all over Jordie, and he let her.
