“Why did you shut me out?” she asked, looking up at him. “Why didn’t you reach out for me? I would have been there for you.”
“Because at the time, I thought I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”
“Fine, but I would have been there as a friend.”
“I can’t be your friend, Kacey. I just can’t.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I feel too much for you, and it hurts to not have you be mine.”
“That’s stupid,” she snapped, her heart pounding in her chest. “So instead, you just shut me out? Break my heart in the process and drink yourself stupid?”
He nodded. “At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I mean, Kacey,” he paused, looking down and biting his lip. She watched him, this big, beautiful, burly man sitting across from her, and she could tell that he felt two feet tall. That it was taking everything out of him to sit there and admit all this to her. It was something she had never seen before because Jordie was a confident man. He was exuberant and full of life. Yeah, he drank—a lot—but it didn’t seem to have a hold on him. But when he’d snapped his leg in two, she could see that he was slowly submitting to the darkness. She should have said something, but the fear of his rejection had been too great.
“I mean, you know my past. You know what happened with one of my mom’s husbands. You know that I didn’t know my dad, that I watched my mom beg for love from all these men, and that she never loved me the way she should have. It’s not an excuse, I promise you that’s not what I’m saying, but love seemed very unattainable to me. I didn’t know how to love.”
“But you do now?” she asked skeptically, and she felt like a bitch. But this dude could honestly manipulate a cow into buying milk. He was smooth with his words. When he wanted something, he got it, and she refused to fall victim to his brand of heartache again. “You go to rehab and somehow decide you can love me?
Holding her gaze, he licked his lips and leaned onto the table, coming a little closer to her. “Wanna know what made me realize I had a problem and that I wanted to change?”
Feeling like he was giving her whiplash since that wasn’t what she’d expected him to say, she could only nod as his eyes bored into hers, the coconut scent from his beard intoxicating her.
“Mena Jane,” he said fondly, his mouth turning up a bit. “Karson called and told me, and then Lacey sent me a picture of Mena and you. I just sat there staring at the picture, and I may have teared up a little bit because I had never seen such beauty in my life. One girl who stole my heart, and the other who owned it.”
Her brows furrowed as she looked deep into his eyes. He smiled, his white teeth so bright against the dark hair on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I decided right then that I wanted to be the godfather and man that you two deserved. I wanted to come home healthy, and I wanted to change.”
She was speechless, her heart pounding in her chest as he held her gaze.
“I fucked up majorly with you, Kacey. I really did.”
She nodded as she looked away, tears filling her eyes.
“And I won’t make an excuse—it was me and my issues. But to answer your question, I found out who I was in rehab. I know him, I want to be him. And no, I don’t know how to love someone, but then sometimes I think maybe I do. Because when I look at Mena, I love her. So fucking much. I know I love your family, and I also know that I have thought of you every second of every day for the last nine months. I yearn for your touch, I wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, and if you’ll ever have me again. So while I may not fully know how to love someone, I don’t want to try with anyone but you.”
She looked up, a tear slowly sliding down her face as their eyes locked. Her mind tried to wrap itself around everything he was saying, and she still found herself trying to find little clues that he was trying to deceive her. But when he looked up, his eyes reiterated his honesty. That he was sorry. That he was telling the truth. He meant every word.
But that still couldn’t make her forget.
Wiping her hand across her face, she shook her head. “I would have been there for you. I would have held your hand. I would have loved you through it all, but you didn’t let me.”
He nodded. “I know. I’m sorry, Kacey. Really, I am.”
“So instead, I was left in the dark. And now you want me to just forget it all and trust you again? To allow you to love me and be the man I want? When before you didn’t want love and you pushed me away?”
He leaned back, sucking in a breath. “That would be great, but I know it won’t happen. I know I have to prove it to you. That I have changed.”
She shook her head. “No, I see that you’ve changed, Jordie, I do. And I see the remorse. I know you’re sorry, but I don’t know how to get over the fact that you didn’t want me or trust me to help you. Instead, you’ve fucked your way through the phone book and drunk yourself into a stupor.”
“Kacey—”
“No, let me finish,” she insisted and he snapped his mouth shut. “I am so proud of you for changing, for getting sober, and being honest,” she said, the tears falling quicker. “No one is as proud of you as I am, and no one loves you the way I do. I can promise you that. I’ve wanted this for you, I’ve begged for this for you. But Jordie, you didn’t want me to help you, and that hurts. You couldn’t even text me back and just let me know you were okay. You shut me out, and that pains me more now that I know the truth than it did thinking you were fucking around and I was just one of your many sluts.”
“Because at the time, I thought I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”
“Fine, but I would have been there as a friend.”
“I can’t be your friend, Kacey. I just can’t.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I feel too much for you, and it hurts to not have you be mine.”
“That’s stupid,” she snapped, her heart pounding in her chest. “So instead, you just shut me out? Break my heart in the process and drink yourself stupid?”
He nodded. “At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I mean, Kacey,” he paused, looking down and biting his lip. She watched him, this big, beautiful, burly man sitting across from her, and she could tell that he felt two feet tall. That it was taking everything out of him to sit there and admit all this to her. It was something she had never seen before because Jordie was a confident man. He was exuberant and full of life. Yeah, he drank—a lot—but it didn’t seem to have a hold on him. But when he’d snapped his leg in two, she could see that he was slowly submitting to the darkness. She should have said something, but the fear of his rejection had been too great.
“I mean, you know my past. You know what happened with one of my mom’s husbands. You know that I didn’t know my dad, that I watched my mom beg for love from all these men, and that she never loved me the way she should have. It’s not an excuse, I promise you that’s not what I’m saying, but love seemed very unattainable to me. I didn’t know how to love.”
“But you do now?” she asked skeptically, and she felt like a bitch. But this dude could honestly manipulate a cow into buying milk. He was smooth with his words. When he wanted something, he got it, and she refused to fall victim to his brand of heartache again. “You go to rehab and somehow decide you can love me?
Holding her gaze, he licked his lips and leaned onto the table, coming a little closer to her. “Wanna know what made me realize I had a problem and that I wanted to change?”
Feeling like he was giving her whiplash since that wasn’t what she’d expected him to say, she could only nod as his eyes bored into hers, the coconut scent from his beard intoxicating her.
“Mena Jane,” he said fondly, his mouth turning up a bit. “Karson called and told me, and then Lacey sent me a picture of Mena and you. I just sat there staring at the picture, and I may have teared up a little bit because I had never seen such beauty in my life. One girl who stole my heart, and the other who owned it.”
Her brows furrowed as she looked deep into his eyes. He smiled, his white teeth so bright against the dark hair on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I decided right then that I wanted to be the godfather and man that you two deserved. I wanted to come home healthy, and I wanted to change.”
She was speechless, her heart pounding in her chest as he held her gaze.
“I fucked up majorly with you, Kacey. I really did.”
She nodded as she looked away, tears filling her eyes.
“And I won’t make an excuse—it was me and my issues. But to answer your question, I found out who I was in rehab. I know him, I want to be him. And no, I don’t know how to love someone, but then sometimes I think maybe I do. Because when I look at Mena, I love her. So fucking much. I know I love your family, and I also know that I have thought of you every second of every day for the last nine months. I yearn for your touch, I wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, and if you’ll ever have me again. So while I may not fully know how to love someone, I don’t want to try with anyone but you.”
She looked up, a tear slowly sliding down her face as their eyes locked. Her mind tried to wrap itself around everything he was saying, and she still found herself trying to find little clues that he was trying to deceive her. But when he looked up, his eyes reiterated his honesty. That he was sorry. That he was telling the truth. He meant every word.
But that still couldn’t make her forget.
Wiping her hand across her face, she shook her head. “I would have been there for you. I would have held your hand. I would have loved you through it all, but you didn’t let me.”
He nodded. “I know. I’m sorry, Kacey. Really, I am.”
“So instead, I was left in the dark. And now you want me to just forget it all and trust you again? To allow you to love me and be the man I want? When before you didn’t want love and you pushed me away?”
He leaned back, sucking in a breath. “That would be great, but I know it won’t happen. I know I have to prove it to you. That I have changed.”
She shook her head. “No, I see that you’ve changed, Jordie, I do. And I see the remorse. I know you’re sorry, but I don’t know how to get over the fact that you didn’t want me or trust me to help you. Instead, you’ve fucked your way through the phone book and drunk yourself into a stupor.”
“Kacey—”
“No, let me finish,” she insisted and he snapped his mouth shut. “I am so proud of you for changing, for getting sober, and being honest,” she said, the tears falling quicker. “No one is as proud of you as I am, and no one loves you the way I do. I can promise you that. I’ve wanted this for you, I’ve begged for this for you. But Jordie, you didn’t want me to help you, and that hurts. You couldn’t even text me back and just let me know you were okay. You shut me out, and that pains me more now that I know the truth than it did thinking you were fucking around and I was just one of your many sluts.”
