Personal Demon
Page 102

Silence.
“You want me to choose, Sonny? Is that what this is about? You’re feeling threatened so I need to make a choice?”
“I never said—”
“Here, take this.”
 
“What the hell are you—?”
“Go on. Take it.”
“For God’s sake, Jaz. Stop being such a fucking drama queen. I—”
“Take the gun. Fire it. Because if you’re going to make me choose, you might as well put a bullet in my brain right now.”
“Goddamn it! You’re crazy, you know that? As screwed up as—”
Silence.
“As Mom?”
“I didn’t mean that, Jaz. You know I didn’t.”
“At least I come by it honestly.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay, bro. Maybe I am a little fucked up. Maybe a lot fucked up. But you know what’s really nuts, Sonny? I know that, and it doesn’t make any difference. I look at Hope back there and I think ‘Goddamn it, man, what are you doing?’ But it doesn’t change anything because I feel it’s right. It’s what I’m meant to do. Just like all this.” Pause. “Have I ever steered you wrong?”
“No, Jaz.”
“As crazy as my ideas are, have they ever been something we can’t manage?”
“No.”
“Then trust me.”
“I do.”
“I know you’re tired of this, bro. I know you want it over with. Me and my mad dreams. But we’re almost there. Remember when we were little, and Mom would say we had to move again, and you’d cry and cry. What did I promise you?”
“That someday we’d stop running.”
“And when you were older, she’d say we had to move and you’d try to reason with her, and you’d get so mad because she never listened. What did I promise you?”
“That you’d stop it.”
“The only way to stop the Cabal—really stop them—is to become them. We’re close, Sonny. So close. Just a couple more months, then, when everything’s in place, you can go back to being you. Free.”
“And what about you?”
“I’ll be fine. I’ll get used to being Lucas and I’ll have Hope.”
“What if she doesn’t…come around?”
“She will. This is a lot for her to absorb. You can’t blame her for being freaked out. But she loves me. I know that. She’ll come around.”
“Not like she has much choice now.”
Silence.
“That wasn’t how I wanted it.”
“I know, Jaz. But now she’ll have to see what it’s like from our side.”
When all went quiet, my thoughts folded back into themselves, and I was lost again.
 
I GROANED AND clutched my stomach. Jaz caught me by the shoulders, steadying me as I sat on the seat edge. Another seat, another car. Sonny had dropped us off in a parking garage, where a second vehicle waited, then he’d left to ditch the first a couple of blocks away.
“Just crawl in and lie down,” Jaz said.
“I—I—” I heaved, slapping my hand over my mouth. “Oh, God. I need air.”
He hesitated. It was safer with me in the car. “The air’s not much fresher out here. Worse even. All the carbon monoxide.”
I looked into his eyes. “Please.”
A pause. Then, “Yeah. Okay. But just for a minute.”
Mission accomplished.
He led me over to a pillar near the railing, far enough back so I wouldn’t be seen, but close enough to catch the breeze.
“Sonny’s going to come out right over there. Any minute. Then I’m getting you back in that car before he finds out.”
 
I nodded. He kept one arm around my waist, the other holding my arm, supporting me as I leaned against the pillar.
“I’m sorry, Hope. I really am. It was a helluva thing to do to you, but I had to. If I’d let you know what I planned, you would have been an accomplice in Paige’s death. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
And you think I’m not an accomplice now? I brought her to you.
He fingered the gouges on his cheek. “I deserved every one of them. And more. But once you get past this, you’ll see there wasn’t any other way. She’s gone to the other side now, and she’s okay. All those good deeds she did here? She’s in the best place they’ve got. And Lucas will be with her soon, and they’ll be happy. Do you think she’d really prefer it the other way? Kidnapped, terrified and alone, finally rescued only to discover that the man she loved has changed into someone she doesn’t recognize? She’s better off.”
There was no pleading in his voice. He honestly believed Paige was happier dead, and that it was only a matter of time before I “came around.”
I resisted the urge to push him away and stand on my own feet. I could. Almost as soon as I’d awoken, the effects of the drugs had worn off. I’d gotten him out here, alone, and now I had to…
To what?
Run away? Where? Kill him and drag him, like a trophy, back to the Cabal? Throw myself on their mercy?
To my shame, there was a fraction of my soul that didn’t want to do anything. That just wanted to throw up its hands and go along for the ride. Abdicate responsibility. Overthrow conscience. Join Jaz and believe in his mad dreams.
It was a tiny part, but it had to be acknowledged. That’s what Karl had tried to tell me last night. I couldn’t keep pretending that part didn’t exist. I had my demon, and it wasn’t evil any more than was his wolf. It just wasn’t human. It lacked the ability to comprehend the conscious lives of others. It hungered and it desired and it knew nothing else, strove for nothing else but the satisfaction of those hungers and desires.
The human in me would never pass a car accident and see a covered body without feeling a jab of grief for a life lost. The demon could see only what it could take from that death: chaos. Likewise with the wolf, who would see only a meal already brought down. Not evil. Just not human.
When the demon whispered in my ear, telling me it would be easier to give in to Jaz, accept the chaos feast he’d set at my feet in offering, I couldn’t be horrified by the impulse. I had to listen, refuse and move on.