She grimaced as she shifted around, and he was reminded they were on a cold, hard floor—except then she rubbed her belly as if it hurt.
“Are you okay?” he said. “You want to get out of here?”
“I feel like I have indigestion.”
“Why wouldn’t you.”
Jim got to his feet and offered a hand. As she took it and he pulled her up, she grunted, and couldn’t seem to straighten.
“Sissy?”
“My stomach …” She lifted the hem of his shirt, pulling it up—“Oh, God! What is that!”
He had no f**king clue, at first. But then, he knew: Across the flat, pale stretch of skin, there was a pattern in the flesh, a pattern that was glowing as if lit from within.
Devina had carved it there as part of the ritual.
“Get it off me …” Sissy started rubbing. “Get it off me!”
Jim captured her hands and bent down. That red illumination was all wrong, he thought. It was emanating from within her…
He carefully lowered the shirt back into place. “Let’s get out of here. And then we’ll see what we can do about it, okay?”
Sissy grabbed onto the shirt and held it in place, a look of stark terror distorting her beautiful features. “What if she’s inside me?”
Jim shook his head, even as the back of his neck tightened. “Not possible.”
And then he said the one thing that, later on, he would come to regret: “You’re mine.”
Chapter Twenty-nine
Cait spent the afternoon counting down the hours.
After leaving her date with G.B., she went home, sat at her desk … and checked the time about every twenty minutes or so. She did get some work done, however, although it was the difference between walking at the side of the road and being in a car going sixty-five.
Forward motion, but only in a relative sense.
She and Duke were meeting at six, and so, after some tense negotiations with her Guilt-o-meter, she decided to give herself an hour to get ready—which was outrageous, but seemed necessary. And then considering she needed fifteen minutes to drive into town, she was therefore allowed to get up out of her chair at four forty-five.
Don’t wear a bra.
Putting her pencil down, she had to close her eyes as her body responded—
Her phone went off next to her, ringing loud in her silent house. As she grabbed for it, her heart pounded. Please, please, let it not be Duke canceling…
Unknown phone number. “Hello?”
“… Cait?…”
As the male voice sank in, she sat up in confusion. “Thom?”
“Hi.” Her old college boyfriend cleared his throat as the greeting came out funny. “Sorry, hi.”
“Well, ah, hi. How are you?” In her head she did the math. The last time she’d spoken with him had been about six months ago—and he’d been very sure that he and the girlfriend were pregnant. Three plus six equals nine.
“I’m good, thanks. And you?”
They were both stilted, but then, come on. They’d nearly gotten engaged—up until he’d cheated on her. And now he and the woman were pregnant—actually, had no doubt just had a healthy, beautiful boy or a girl.
“Good, good, thank you.”
In the silence that followed, for some reason, Cait remembered exactly where she’d been sitting when he’d rung her phone for their previous call back in November. She’d been upstairs in her bedroom, ironing clothes, and she’d kept it together during the five- or six-minute conversation. Had also been honestly glad he was telling her in person before the news got out within their network of buddies.
After she’d hung up, though? She’d turned off the lights, gotten into bed, and cried for about six hours.
Next day she’d joined the nearest Bally Total Fitness.
“I just wanted you to know … that we had the baby. Early last night.”
As she reclosed her eyes, her first thought was that she was thrilled she was meeting Duke in about an hour and a half. To hear this news without having her date to look forward to probably would have resulted in another day under the covers.
Her second? Was that, as before, he didn’t come across as if he were gloating, or showing off his good fortune. No, Thom seemed almost apologetic, just as he had when he’d told her about the pregnancy—he was clearly trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation.
“I’m so happy for you.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the other woman’s name. That hadn’t changed even with Duke on the horizon. “I really, truly am.”
“I wanted you to know before, well, everyone else does.”
“What’s his or her name?”
“We’ve named him Thomas, after me.”
“That’s great. You must be so excited.”
“I am. I mean, this wasn’t planned, but … sometimes life is like that, you know?”
Tell me about it, Thom. “Yes, I know. When’s the wedding?”
Because surely he would marry the woman now.
“Not for a while. We have to get through the first couple months with him—well, Margot does. I’m working around the clock.”
“Wall Street will do that to you.”
“Sure does.” Pause. “Are you okay?”
Cait bristled at that. What, like she’d been sitting around pining after him forever?
Okay, maybe that had been true for a little while. “You know what? I really am. I’m in a good place, work’s fantastic, and my personal life is …” She didn’t finish that part with any details. Seemed too much as if she were trying to prove something. “… going well.”
The relief that came across the connection was palpable. “Oh, I’m so glad to hear that.”
And you know, it was funny; she believed that was true for him. In this moment, sitting with the phone squeezed to her ear and the awkwardness on both sides making her want to end things quickly, she realized … Thom was a good guy.
“Can I ask you something?” she blurted.
“Anything. I mean that, Cait.”
“When you met …” Okay, time to man up. For God’s sake, at this point, the pair of them had been together longer than she and Thom had. “… Margot, was it a love-at-first-sight kind of thing? Like, an overwhelming, no-going-back free fall?”
She was, of course, thinking of Duke. Even though that probably didn’t make a lot of sense. She barely knew the guy, after all.
Thom cleared his throat. “Are you sure you want me to answer that?”
“Yeah, I really am. Although maybe this is not the right time. You’re probably still at the hospital, right?”
“No, no, it’s okay. They’re both sleeping, and the parents have all gone home for showers.”
She could just picture him in some kind of white corridor, leaning a shoulder on the wall and crossing one loafer or wingtip so that it balanced on the toe.
Thom blew out a long breath. “I saw her in the library, across a distance … and I can’t explain it. I just stopped dead, right where I was. It wasn’t in my nature to have that kind of reaction, and still isn’t—and just so you and I are clear? I walked away. I didn’t talk to her, I didn’t ask anyone about her, I didn’t take a seat and stare at her for hours. I just turned right around and left.”
He was correct—that sort of struck-dumb hadn’t been typical of him. Thom had always been just like her: measured, careful, focused on studying rather than people.
In fact, their friends had always said they were the perfect couple, and when they’d broken up the spring of senior year, the split had been a major topic of conversation. Looking back now, she imagined it had been easier in some ways to be on her side of things, i.e., the victim, the one who had been deserted—although that certainly hadn’t been a party. At least their social circle had pitied her, though, rather than gotten all snarky in her direction.
“It must have been a surprise for you,” she said.
“It wasn’t what I wanted. Not at all.”
“When did it happen, you know, her and you?”
What a crazy time to be finally asking these questions. When he’d told her he’d found someone else, she hadn’t wanted any details—just a cardboard box to pack up the things he’d left in her dorm room.
“A year later.”
Cait recoiled. “You two dated for a year?”
“No. I saw her first a year, maybe a year and a half before I … you know. It was fall our junior year. Cait, I was going to marry you. I was committed to you. I wanted to be with you. The last thing I ever considered was that somebody else would get in the way. After I saw her, I stopped studying in the library. I left parties—do you remember that Super Bowl party at Rich’s? The one where he got arrested afterward? I said I was sick—but it was because she was there. I didn’t want to be anywhere around her.”
Cait eased back in her chair. “God…”
“You were always working, Cait, especially our senior year—and that is not to put anything on you. That was the way we were. It’s just … you were always so busy, and I was busy, and then one night … you went to visit your parents for Presidents’ Day weekend because they were finally home for a little while? I was sitting in our quad, Teresa was out, Greg was gone … and I don’t know what … exactly it was, but I got up and put my coat on, and I walked across campus at ten o’clock at night. I went to the library that night, and she was there. And that was … what happened. About two weeks after that was when I spoke with you. Margot and I had not been together by that time, but I knew where things were headed, I knew that … Christ, Cait, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”
“I believe that,” she said hoarsely. “I do.”
“And you know, the reason I called you before we announced, and why I’m calling you now? I’ve embarrassed you enough. I don’t want you to ever be on the receiving end of unexpected news again—at least not that has to do with me. Even though it was how many years ago, I’ve never gotten over that whole thing with us, Cait. It was a blessing to meet Margot, but a curse, too. She’s my other half, but I had to hurt … you.”
As tears welled, it wasn’t from grief. More from a sense that in reality, they had both hurt each other, in their own ways. And though she had never wished him ill per se, the idea that he hadn’t waltzed away into the arms of some hot new love free and clear made her feel like it was more equitable, somehow.
“I’m really glad you called,” she said. “I truly am.”
Thom exhaled long and slow. “I’ve wanted to explain myself for a long time. But not from a self-serving point of view, more because I honestly still care about you. And I always will.”
Cait smiled sadly, remembering how the two of them could spend hours studying side by side. They had been the perfect companions, and she’d been looking for stability back then. But was that true love?
Not like he’d found with Margot.
“You take care of yourself, Thom.”
“You, too, Cait.”
As she ended the call, she stared at her phone.
It was good to know he was as decent as she’d thought he was. He’d avoided his truth for a good year … and then it had just been his time, she supposed. And yes, the whole thing had been heartbreaking, the trauma of losing what she’d planned her life to be, that artificial structure she had created herself but called destiny, absolutely crushing. But she had always wondered whether or not he had been the man she’d assumed she knew.
He was.
The only thing that could have been worse? Learning that all along, through the course of their relationship, he had been nothing but a lie.
Plus, now that she had met Duke? She understood what Thom meant. Sometimes … you just crossed paths with someone irresistible, and depending on your circumstance? It could be devastating.
In her case? She was single, and that was a good thing. How would she have felt if she’d run into the likes of Duke … and been in a relationship?
On that note, Cait glanced at her clock. Four thirty-nine.
For most of her life, she would have forced herself to sit still for the remaining six minutes. Now? Screw that.
It was time to get ready.
Shutting down her workstation, she headed for the second floor, and it was as she threw on her shower and let all her clothes dump on the floor again that she realized … yes, in fact, she was probably going through exactly what had happened to Thom.
For years, she hadn’t been prepared to cut him any slack. And when he’d called to say they were pregnant? She had turned to her diet and the gym to crush all the emotions that had come up.
“Are you okay?” he said. “You want to get out of here?”
“I feel like I have indigestion.”
“Why wouldn’t you.”
Jim got to his feet and offered a hand. As she took it and he pulled her up, she grunted, and couldn’t seem to straighten.
“Sissy?”
“My stomach …” She lifted the hem of his shirt, pulling it up—“Oh, God! What is that!”
He had no f**king clue, at first. But then, he knew: Across the flat, pale stretch of skin, there was a pattern in the flesh, a pattern that was glowing as if lit from within.
Devina had carved it there as part of the ritual.
“Get it off me …” Sissy started rubbing. “Get it off me!”
Jim captured her hands and bent down. That red illumination was all wrong, he thought. It was emanating from within her…
He carefully lowered the shirt back into place. “Let’s get out of here. And then we’ll see what we can do about it, okay?”
Sissy grabbed onto the shirt and held it in place, a look of stark terror distorting her beautiful features. “What if she’s inside me?”
Jim shook his head, even as the back of his neck tightened. “Not possible.”
And then he said the one thing that, later on, he would come to regret: “You’re mine.”
Chapter Twenty-nine
Cait spent the afternoon counting down the hours.
After leaving her date with G.B., she went home, sat at her desk … and checked the time about every twenty minutes or so. She did get some work done, however, although it was the difference between walking at the side of the road and being in a car going sixty-five.
Forward motion, but only in a relative sense.
She and Duke were meeting at six, and so, after some tense negotiations with her Guilt-o-meter, she decided to give herself an hour to get ready—which was outrageous, but seemed necessary. And then considering she needed fifteen minutes to drive into town, she was therefore allowed to get up out of her chair at four forty-five.
Don’t wear a bra.
Putting her pencil down, she had to close her eyes as her body responded—
Her phone went off next to her, ringing loud in her silent house. As she grabbed for it, her heart pounded. Please, please, let it not be Duke canceling…
Unknown phone number. “Hello?”
“… Cait?…”
As the male voice sank in, she sat up in confusion. “Thom?”
“Hi.” Her old college boyfriend cleared his throat as the greeting came out funny. “Sorry, hi.”
“Well, ah, hi. How are you?” In her head she did the math. The last time she’d spoken with him had been about six months ago—and he’d been very sure that he and the girlfriend were pregnant. Three plus six equals nine.
“I’m good, thanks. And you?”
They were both stilted, but then, come on. They’d nearly gotten engaged—up until he’d cheated on her. And now he and the woman were pregnant—actually, had no doubt just had a healthy, beautiful boy or a girl.
“Good, good, thank you.”
In the silence that followed, for some reason, Cait remembered exactly where she’d been sitting when he’d rung her phone for their previous call back in November. She’d been upstairs in her bedroom, ironing clothes, and she’d kept it together during the five- or six-minute conversation. Had also been honestly glad he was telling her in person before the news got out within their network of buddies.
After she’d hung up, though? She’d turned off the lights, gotten into bed, and cried for about six hours.
Next day she’d joined the nearest Bally Total Fitness.
“I just wanted you to know … that we had the baby. Early last night.”
As she reclosed her eyes, her first thought was that she was thrilled she was meeting Duke in about an hour and a half. To hear this news without having her date to look forward to probably would have resulted in another day under the covers.
Her second? Was that, as before, he didn’t come across as if he were gloating, or showing off his good fortune. No, Thom seemed almost apologetic, just as he had when he’d told her about the pregnancy—he was clearly trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation.
“I’m so happy for you.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the other woman’s name. That hadn’t changed even with Duke on the horizon. “I really, truly am.”
“I wanted you to know before, well, everyone else does.”
“What’s his or her name?”
“We’ve named him Thomas, after me.”
“That’s great. You must be so excited.”
“I am. I mean, this wasn’t planned, but … sometimes life is like that, you know?”
Tell me about it, Thom. “Yes, I know. When’s the wedding?”
Because surely he would marry the woman now.
“Not for a while. We have to get through the first couple months with him—well, Margot does. I’m working around the clock.”
“Wall Street will do that to you.”
“Sure does.” Pause. “Are you okay?”
Cait bristled at that. What, like she’d been sitting around pining after him forever?
Okay, maybe that had been true for a little while. “You know what? I really am. I’m in a good place, work’s fantastic, and my personal life is …” She didn’t finish that part with any details. Seemed too much as if she were trying to prove something. “… going well.”
The relief that came across the connection was palpable. “Oh, I’m so glad to hear that.”
And you know, it was funny; she believed that was true for him. In this moment, sitting with the phone squeezed to her ear and the awkwardness on both sides making her want to end things quickly, she realized … Thom was a good guy.
“Can I ask you something?” she blurted.
“Anything. I mean that, Cait.”
“When you met …” Okay, time to man up. For God’s sake, at this point, the pair of them had been together longer than she and Thom had. “… Margot, was it a love-at-first-sight kind of thing? Like, an overwhelming, no-going-back free fall?”
She was, of course, thinking of Duke. Even though that probably didn’t make a lot of sense. She barely knew the guy, after all.
Thom cleared his throat. “Are you sure you want me to answer that?”
“Yeah, I really am. Although maybe this is not the right time. You’re probably still at the hospital, right?”
“No, no, it’s okay. They’re both sleeping, and the parents have all gone home for showers.”
She could just picture him in some kind of white corridor, leaning a shoulder on the wall and crossing one loafer or wingtip so that it balanced on the toe.
Thom blew out a long breath. “I saw her in the library, across a distance … and I can’t explain it. I just stopped dead, right where I was. It wasn’t in my nature to have that kind of reaction, and still isn’t—and just so you and I are clear? I walked away. I didn’t talk to her, I didn’t ask anyone about her, I didn’t take a seat and stare at her for hours. I just turned right around and left.”
He was correct—that sort of struck-dumb hadn’t been typical of him. Thom had always been just like her: measured, careful, focused on studying rather than people.
In fact, their friends had always said they were the perfect couple, and when they’d broken up the spring of senior year, the split had been a major topic of conversation. Looking back now, she imagined it had been easier in some ways to be on her side of things, i.e., the victim, the one who had been deserted—although that certainly hadn’t been a party. At least their social circle had pitied her, though, rather than gotten all snarky in her direction.
“It must have been a surprise for you,” she said.
“It wasn’t what I wanted. Not at all.”
“When did it happen, you know, her and you?”
What a crazy time to be finally asking these questions. When he’d told her he’d found someone else, she hadn’t wanted any details—just a cardboard box to pack up the things he’d left in her dorm room.
“A year later.”
Cait recoiled. “You two dated for a year?”
“No. I saw her first a year, maybe a year and a half before I … you know. It was fall our junior year. Cait, I was going to marry you. I was committed to you. I wanted to be with you. The last thing I ever considered was that somebody else would get in the way. After I saw her, I stopped studying in the library. I left parties—do you remember that Super Bowl party at Rich’s? The one where he got arrested afterward? I said I was sick—but it was because she was there. I didn’t want to be anywhere around her.”
Cait eased back in her chair. “God…”
“You were always working, Cait, especially our senior year—and that is not to put anything on you. That was the way we were. It’s just … you were always so busy, and I was busy, and then one night … you went to visit your parents for Presidents’ Day weekend because they were finally home for a little while? I was sitting in our quad, Teresa was out, Greg was gone … and I don’t know what … exactly it was, but I got up and put my coat on, and I walked across campus at ten o’clock at night. I went to the library that night, and she was there. And that was … what happened. About two weeks after that was when I spoke with you. Margot and I had not been together by that time, but I knew where things were headed, I knew that … Christ, Cait, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”
“I believe that,” she said hoarsely. “I do.”
“And you know, the reason I called you before we announced, and why I’m calling you now? I’ve embarrassed you enough. I don’t want you to ever be on the receiving end of unexpected news again—at least not that has to do with me. Even though it was how many years ago, I’ve never gotten over that whole thing with us, Cait. It was a blessing to meet Margot, but a curse, too. She’s my other half, but I had to hurt … you.”
As tears welled, it wasn’t from grief. More from a sense that in reality, they had both hurt each other, in their own ways. And though she had never wished him ill per se, the idea that he hadn’t waltzed away into the arms of some hot new love free and clear made her feel like it was more equitable, somehow.
“I’m really glad you called,” she said. “I truly am.”
Thom exhaled long and slow. “I’ve wanted to explain myself for a long time. But not from a self-serving point of view, more because I honestly still care about you. And I always will.”
Cait smiled sadly, remembering how the two of them could spend hours studying side by side. They had been the perfect companions, and she’d been looking for stability back then. But was that true love?
Not like he’d found with Margot.
“You take care of yourself, Thom.”
“You, too, Cait.”
As she ended the call, she stared at her phone.
It was good to know he was as decent as she’d thought he was. He’d avoided his truth for a good year … and then it had just been his time, she supposed. And yes, the whole thing had been heartbreaking, the trauma of losing what she’d planned her life to be, that artificial structure she had created herself but called destiny, absolutely crushing. But she had always wondered whether or not he had been the man she’d assumed she knew.
He was.
The only thing that could have been worse? Learning that all along, through the course of their relationship, he had been nothing but a lie.
Plus, now that she had met Duke? She understood what Thom meant. Sometimes … you just crossed paths with someone irresistible, and depending on your circumstance? It could be devastating.
In her case? She was single, and that was a good thing. How would she have felt if she’d run into the likes of Duke … and been in a relationship?
On that note, Cait glanced at her clock. Four thirty-nine.
For most of her life, she would have forced herself to sit still for the remaining six minutes. Now? Screw that.
It was time to get ready.
Shutting down her workstation, she headed for the second floor, and it was as she threw on her shower and let all her clothes dump on the floor again that she realized … yes, in fact, she was probably going through exactly what had happened to Thom.
For years, she hadn’t been prepared to cut him any slack. And when he’d called to say they were pregnant? She had turned to her diet and the gym to crush all the emotions that had come up.
