“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” Gavin questioned.
“We’re not twelve. I’m just asking you if you want to be mine.”
His body started to respond to Gavin’s hand. Blood flooded is dick.
“Yeah…yeah, I think I do. Now, you owe me. Tit for tat, remember? How’d it go when you went home?”
Damn it. He’d hoped they could avoid that and Gavin would just take his ass. “We’re awfully fucking chatty. Are we supposed to spend this much time talking?”
“Do people come with rule books about what they are and aren’t supposed to do? We’re living, right? That’s what it is. Go with the flow. This was your idea, boss.”
Yeah, he guessed it was. “It’s nothing, really. I just…even when I wasn’t living the life I wanted, I always felt like I knew who I was. Now? I’m not so sure. That’s a hard pill to swallow at thirty years old. And should it even fucking matter? Who my parents are or what my heritage is? I know my personal history, and that’s all that should matter. My head just keeps fucking it all up by overthinking everything. I don’t fail, Gav. I never have. And not being able to get over this—that feels like a failure to me, and I’m having a hard time with it.”
Pride could fuck people up more than anything else, he thought.
“You’ve been dealt a blow. It makes sense.”
That didn’t mean he had to like it. It didn’t mean he was okay with how he felt. “I find myself second guessing everything. Earlier, you said you’re angry. I am, too. I’m pissed they lied and pissed it matters. I’m pissed that I’m not theirs.”
“You are in the ways that count.”
Mason shook his head. “Just words. All those are just words. What matters is how you feel. You get that. I know you do.”
There was a pause, and Mason knew Gavin realized he was right. They were both dealing with shit that stemmed from something inside them. Something personal, that made them feel or act a certain way. Something that made them human.
“Have you ever thought about finding her? Your birth mother? Might help.” Gavin rolled over and lay on top of him. Mason wrapped his arms around him. That’s what he wanted. Muscle on muscle. Chest on chest. Cock against cock.
“She’s in Durango. I know that. And she has a husband and she’s clean. Why do I need to see her?”
“Because you’re not dealing well?”
Just what he wanted to hear. “See, now you’re just trying to emasculate me.” Mason leaned down and kissed Gavin’s forehead.
“You know what I mean.”
Mason sighed. “I do.” And he knew why he didn’t want to find her, either. She hadn’t wanted him. Maybe it was the drugs at first, but once she got clean, she still hadn’t wanted him. Mason didn’t know why that mattered so much, but it did.
“Can we end the talk for now? Fuck me and put me to sleep.”
“Whatever you say, boss.”
Gavin did exactly what he said.
***
Mason boxed him in against the bar. “Hurry, get on your knees before someone comes in.”
Gavin rolled his eyes at Mason. “I have something more important than a blow job going on right now.”
“There are things that are more important than blow jobs?” Mason retorted.
Gavin mulled that over before he smiled. “You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. There’s nothing more important that getting head, but music is a close second. I found a band who wants to play two Fridays a month. They’re from Boulder but they’re looking to expand. They’re incredible. I told them you need to hear them first, but you’ll think they’re great. They have this really rich sound. If things go well—”
“Book them.”
He wanted that, badly. Patrons would like them. Gavin knew it.
“We can schedule them to play for you first. Make sure it’s what you’re looking for.”
“Just book them. You like them. I trust you. You have better taste in music than I do anyway. And I’m pissed at you, too. You said you’d teach me to play. Scared I’ll give you a run for your money?” Mason went to walk away but Gavin grabbed his arm.
In a lot of ways, this was something little, but Mason’s trust in him meant a lot. “I’ll teach you. And thanks. For all of this. Is this one of those times where I want to kiss you?”
Mason laughed. “Now you’re catching on. It is.” Gavin leaned in when the door made its familiar creak. That damn door. Mason had been saying he needed to fix it from the first day Gavin started work here.
