Your father was always so careful to keep you safe from that part of his life. He hasn’t been gone six months and I’ve failed him.” Cynthia rose to her feet and walked slowly to the door.
I pushed myself away from the table and cal ed after her. “Tel me I’m wrong, Mother. I need you to tel me this is a mistake.” My voice was closer to begging than the firm tone I’d meant to take.
Cynthia didn’t turn around; she wiped another tear and sighed.
I took a deep breath and braced myself. “Charles Dawson wants those files.”
“He knew where they were?” she shrieked, flipping around.
Anger surged through me. “You know who he is?”
“He worked for your father,” she said, touching her mouth nervously in thought.
I sat up higher in my chair, my muscles rigid. “Why is he harassing me, Mother? Why aren’t you upset about that?”
“Nina, Dear,” her tone turned soft, “I told you. Your father did everything in his power to keep you removed from his dealings. I understand you were frightened; but you were safe, I promise.”
“What does that mean? Why won’t anyone give me a straight answer?”
Cynthia tilted her head and raised her eyebrows, the way she did when I was little. “Wouldn’t you agree that after tonight, some things are better left unsaid?”
My immediate reaction was to scream at her and demand the truth, but she was right. I had lost my father again tonight, the reverence I’d once felt for him was replaced with debilitating disappointment. It was worse than losing him to death. Al perception I’d had of him had been ripped away.
He was no longer God in my eyes, he was just a man; a flawed, corrupt man.
I considered Cynthia’s suggestion and nodded.
She lifted my chin. “I’m so sorry, Love.”
“I’ve got to get out of here,” I blurted, turning away from her touch. Everything I knew was a lie. I left her alone to fetch my coat.
“Where are you going?” she cal ed after me.
“For a walk,” I said, bundling myself inside my hat and gloves.
“It’s freezing outside, Nina! Be reasonable! Please let Robert drive you!”
I yanked my purse over my shoulder and jerked open the door. “I’l walk to the bus stop and catch a ride to Brown. I’l cal you when I get there.” I avoided her inevitably pleading eyes as I marched outside, slamming the door behind me.
Winter exploded in my face. The air was too cold to breathe, burning my nose and throat with each gasp of air that I took in. The wind had picked up and the large snowflakes whipped around me. My hair thrashed against my face and I squinted as the icy wind blurred my vision.
I tried to sort al of the new information, but the freezing air along with my anger blocked any rational thought I could have. I reached the end of the drive and trudged into the street, walking as fast as my legs could carry me. My home had become a dark, wicked thing where corruption and scandal took place. I couldn’t bring myself to look back, even though I had no intentions of returning.
When the painful burn from the wind began to wane to a numbing sensation, I heard a vehicle slow down beside me. I continued to walk; I wasn’t in the mood to explain myself or argue with Robert. He was less capable of changing my mind than my mother.
“Nina?”
I knew that voice. It belonged to the one person I wanted to see. When I came to a stop, so did his SUV.
“I’m taking the bus, Jared,” I said, looking straight ahead.
“No, you’re not. I’ve come to take you home.”
I stood perfectly stil except for the occasional weaving when the wind attempted to knock me over.
“Nina, it’s freezing outside,” he said, impatient.
When I didn’t budge, Jared opened his door and walked over to me. He stared at me for a moment and then bent down, sweeping me into his arms. He carried me to the passenger side, pressing his warm lips to my forehead.
He placed me gently into the seat and paused. “What were you thinking?”
I couldn’t utter a single word. I felt broken; it was al too much for me to accept in such a short amount of time.
Once in his seat, he turned the heater to its highest setting and pul ed forward. Occasional y, Jared would reach over and brush my hair back from my face, or hold his warm hand affectionately to my cheek, but the only sounds were the heated air blowing through the vents and the road under the tires.
The Escalade came to a stop on the street behind Andrews. Jared walked with me to the door in silence, but when I put my hand on the knob, he touched my arm.
“Nina, I know it’s a lot to take in, but he loved you.”
My eyes focused and I shot a glare at him. “You knew my father?”
Jared’s eyes tensed in anguish. “I know everything that he did…he did out of love for you, Nina. You were his world.”
“You don’t know anything about him,” I said through my teeth. “You don’t know anything about me, and unless you give me some answers, you can leave. I am sick of being lied to!”
“I’ve never lied to you,” Jared said, angry and shocked that I had dismissed him so easily.
“Why are you so secretive? Why do you always know where I am? How did you save us this morning? How did you do al of that?”
“This morning you were fine with not knowing al the details.”
“That was before I found out my entire life was a lie.” Angry tears overflowed and rushed down my cheeks. “I just need one thing in my life—just one —that I know is real. I need someone to be honest with me!”
“Nina,” Jared whispered, reaching out for me. I pushed him away and he winced. “Don’t do that. I’ve had to stand by and watch you cry so many times…I can’t do it anymore.”
“What does that mean?” I asked him, keeping him at arm’s length. “What do you mean you’ve watched me cry? Please just tel me the truth!”
Jared hesitated and then sighed. “I can’t. Believe me when I say I wish to God that I could, but I can’t.” His eyes were heavy with a lifetime’s worth of frustration.
“I believe you,” I said, opening the door. “I don’t want to see you anymore. Please leave me alone.”
“Nina….” Jared said. I met his eyes one last time before shutting the door behind me. He knocked twice. “Nina,” he said in a low, desperate tone.
I pressed my head against the door and let out a weak, muffled cry. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t worthy enough for the truth. Anger took hold of me again, and I pushed away from the door, making my way to my room.
Beth sat at her desk, clicking the keyboard on her lap top when I swung the door open. She jumped and turned when the door knob hammered against the wal .
“Where were you? Ryan was waiting for you to come.” Her eyes bulged when she saw the expression on my face. “Nina?”
“I went to The Gate to get a bite to eat before heading to the hospital, but I ran into Mr. Dawson,” I said, slumping onto my bed.
“Mr. Dawson?” Her voice flew up an octave. “Why was he at The Gate?”
“He grabbed me, told me he wanted me to get the papers for him—“ “He grabbed you? Does Jared know?”
My eyes darted to hers with suspicion. “What makes you ask that?”
She hesitated, picking at her delicate fingers. “He always seems to have the best timing.”
“He didn’t show up this time.”
She leaned her head closer so that I would look at her. “Have you seen him today?”
“He just dropped me off,” I sighed.
“I don’t understand. He didn’t show up, but he brought you home?”
“Can we not talk about this anymore?”
“Oh. Sure. I’m sorry.” She dropped her arm from my shoulder and left me to sit on her own bed.
After a few moments, Beth sighed and fidgeted.
“What, Beth?”
“Nina…,” I waited for her to gain the courage for whatever it was she was struggling with. She took another breath, but it didn’t equip her with the bravery she was hoping for.
“What is it?”
“You love him,” she blurted out, quickly bracing for my reaction.
“I don’t love him. I don’t know anything about him.”
“How much is enough to know about someone before you can love them?”
I thought back to the way I felt when I was around him, the way his touch sent electricity through my body; the way his eyes melted me when he looked beyond my irises to something deeper, as if he could see my emotions dance around inside of me. I felt protected and whole in his presence that rivaled even the absolute security and love I felt being near my father. I shuddered when I considered how miserable my life would be if Jared did as I asked and left me alone.
“You love him,” Beth confirmed as she watched my expression. “He loves you, too, you know. It’s so obvious, almost as if he loved you before you met.” I shook my head in denial and Beth’s voice raised a tone higher. “Nina. Seriously? After everything that’s happened?”
“If he does, it’s not enough to trust me with the truth.” I winced at my own words. I didn’t realize how hurtful it would be to say them out loud.
“He’s stil not talking, huh?”
“I told him to leave me alone tonight.” Beth began to speak but I continued, “I didn’t mean it. Wel , I meant it, but it’s not what I want. Al he has to do is be honest with me, and he just...refuses.”
“Why do you have to understand it? Can’t you just be with him and forget about the rest?”
“Be with him how? I don’t even know where he lives. I don’t know his phone number, if he’s right or left-handed, or his birthday…I don’t know anything about him,” I said, disgusted with my predicament.
“I’ve seen you two together. It wil al work out,” she smiled.
I rol ed my eyes at her simple solution. Beth’s logic made my feelings more complicated than necessary, and I was glad when she seemed to give up. I was devastated about Jack, furious with Cynthia and found Jared guilty on principle. Other than that I didn’t want to think about it. Anger was easier to control than feeling betrayed.
Thursday morning I fol owed Beth to the table reserved for the coffee pots and various sugars and other creamers. Per her usual, Kim appeared behind us and complained about our additives. I gripped my travel mug with both hands, keeping in line with my friends.
Beth stopped in her tracks, initiating a pile-up. I slammed into Kim, and the coffee I held exploded from the slit in the lid, splattering in a vertical line from col ar to hem of my coat.
“Beth!” Kim and I both yelped in unison.
I looked down at my coat and used my mittens to brush off the dripping, mocha-colored liquid. Someone abruptly grabbed my arm and yanked me forward. I didn’t have time to see which of my girlfriends it was, because Jared’s incredible blue-grey eyes caught my attention the second I looked up.
I took quicker steps than I should have to be within conversation distance, but once I stood within a few feet of him, I couldn’t speak.
“Running late, aren’t you?” Jared said, seeming pleased at my reaction.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, baffled.
He laughed and looked down. I saw from my peripheral that Beth and Kim were just as awestruck as I was. I couldn’t imagine what had possessed him to show up here, and I was even more clueless at his carefree manner; as if our conversation from the night before had never taken place.
“Wil you have a seat?”
I sat down immediately, in an almost comical fashion. He usual y didn’t make an appearance unless he had something important he needed to say, or if there was trouble. The scenarios were flashing through my mind. I stared at him in silence, waiting for the answer.
He crossed his arms on the table and leaned toward me. “I know you said to leave you alone, but I did a lot of thinking last night and I had to see you. We need to talk.”
My mouth opened a bit in shock, and I shut it just as I looked up at Kim and Beth. Their mouths were in a similar state.
“We’l , er…meet you in class, Nigh,” Kim said, raising her eyebrows.
I grimaced as they abandoned me. My shoulders felt so tense they seemed to be hovering around my ears. I took a deep breath, and forced them down to their proper position.
Jared appeared nervous and he swal owed. “Did I cross a line?”
“I want answers, Jared.”
The corners of his mouth turned up as he slid a card over to my side of the table.
I pinched the thin paper between my fingers and examined it. It was a generical y ivory business card with his name and company name in chocolate brown writing. My heart kicked into high gear upon reading the next line, which contained his phone number.
“You’re giving me your number?”
“I am.” He waited for a moment with an expectant stare, and then I understood what it was that he wanted.
“Oh!” I said, scrambling to search my backpack for something to write on. I scribbled my name and number on a piece of paper and slid it to him, mimicking his smooth, single movement.
Jared grinned and poked the paper into his inside jacket pocket.
“What if that’s not my number?” I asked. “What if it’s the number to an anger management clinic for your sister?”
Jared shook his head, laughing once. “Then I’d give it to her. But I hope it’s yours. I need it to ask you to dinner properly.”
I could hear my heart pounding inside my chest, and when I thought he might be able to hear it, I felt my cheeks flush.
“I told you I needed answers, first,” I said, trying to seem calmer than I felt.
“I told you we were going to talk, didn’t I?” His eyes were bright with amusement, even seeming a lighter shade of blue. “I’m going to cal you this afternoon. Wil that be al right?”
I pushed myself away from the table and cal ed after her. “Tel me I’m wrong, Mother. I need you to tel me this is a mistake.” My voice was closer to begging than the firm tone I’d meant to take.
Cynthia didn’t turn around; she wiped another tear and sighed.
I took a deep breath and braced myself. “Charles Dawson wants those files.”
“He knew where they were?” she shrieked, flipping around.
Anger surged through me. “You know who he is?”
“He worked for your father,” she said, touching her mouth nervously in thought.
I sat up higher in my chair, my muscles rigid. “Why is he harassing me, Mother? Why aren’t you upset about that?”
“Nina, Dear,” her tone turned soft, “I told you. Your father did everything in his power to keep you removed from his dealings. I understand you were frightened; but you were safe, I promise.”
“What does that mean? Why won’t anyone give me a straight answer?”
Cynthia tilted her head and raised her eyebrows, the way she did when I was little. “Wouldn’t you agree that after tonight, some things are better left unsaid?”
My immediate reaction was to scream at her and demand the truth, but she was right. I had lost my father again tonight, the reverence I’d once felt for him was replaced with debilitating disappointment. It was worse than losing him to death. Al perception I’d had of him had been ripped away.
He was no longer God in my eyes, he was just a man; a flawed, corrupt man.
I considered Cynthia’s suggestion and nodded.
She lifted my chin. “I’m so sorry, Love.”
“I’ve got to get out of here,” I blurted, turning away from her touch. Everything I knew was a lie. I left her alone to fetch my coat.
“Where are you going?” she cal ed after me.
“For a walk,” I said, bundling myself inside my hat and gloves.
“It’s freezing outside, Nina! Be reasonable! Please let Robert drive you!”
I yanked my purse over my shoulder and jerked open the door. “I’l walk to the bus stop and catch a ride to Brown. I’l cal you when I get there.” I avoided her inevitably pleading eyes as I marched outside, slamming the door behind me.
Winter exploded in my face. The air was too cold to breathe, burning my nose and throat with each gasp of air that I took in. The wind had picked up and the large snowflakes whipped around me. My hair thrashed against my face and I squinted as the icy wind blurred my vision.
I tried to sort al of the new information, but the freezing air along with my anger blocked any rational thought I could have. I reached the end of the drive and trudged into the street, walking as fast as my legs could carry me. My home had become a dark, wicked thing where corruption and scandal took place. I couldn’t bring myself to look back, even though I had no intentions of returning.
When the painful burn from the wind began to wane to a numbing sensation, I heard a vehicle slow down beside me. I continued to walk; I wasn’t in the mood to explain myself or argue with Robert. He was less capable of changing my mind than my mother.
“Nina?”
I knew that voice. It belonged to the one person I wanted to see. When I came to a stop, so did his SUV.
“I’m taking the bus, Jared,” I said, looking straight ahead.
“No, you’re not. I’ve come to take you home.”
I stood perfectly stil except for the occasional weaving when the wind attempted to knock me over.
“Nina, it’s freezing outside,” he said, impatient.
When I didn’t budge, Jared opened his door and walked over to me. He stared at me for a moment and then bent down, sweeping me into his arms. He carried me to the passenger side, pressing his warm lips to my forehead.
He placed me gently into the seat and paused. “What were you thinking?”
I couldn’t utter a single word. I felt broken; it was al too much for me to accept in such a short amount of time.
Once in his seat, he turned the heater to its highest setting and pul ed forward. Occasional y, Jared would reach over and brush my hair back from my face, or hold his warm hand affectionately to my cheek, but the only sounds were the heated air blowing through the vents and the road under the tires.
The Escalade came to a stop on the street behind Andrews. Jared walked with me to the door in silence, but when I put my hand on the knob, he touched my arm.
“Nina, I know it’s a lot to take in, but he loved you.”
My eyes focused and I shot a glare at him. “You knew my father?”
Jared’s eyes tensed in anguish. “I know everything that he did…he did out of love for you, Nina. You were his world.”
“You don’t know anything about him,” I said through my teeth. “You don’t know anything about me, and unless you give me some answers, you can leave. I am sick of being lied to!”
“I’ve never lied to you,” Jared said, angry and shocked that I had dismissed him so easily.
“Why are you so secretive? Why do you always know where I am? How did you save us this morning? How did you do al of that?”
“This morning you were fine with not knowing al the details.”
“That was before I found out my entire life was a lie.” Angry tears overflowed and rushed down my cheeks. “I just need one thing in my life—just one —that I know is real. I need someone to be honest with me!”
“Nina,” Jared whispered, reaching out for me. I pushed him away and he winced. “Don’t do that. I’ve had to stand by and watch you cry so many times…I can’t do it anymore.”
“What does that mean?” I asked him, keeping him at arm’s length. “What do you mean you’ve watched me cry? Please just tel me the truth!”
Jared hesitated and then sighed. “I can’t. Believe me when I say I wish to God that I could, but I can’t.” His eyes were heavy with a lifetime’s worth of frustration.
“I believe you,” I said, opening the door. “I don’t want to see you anymore. Please leave me alone.”
“Nina….” Jared said. I met his eyes one last time before shutting the door behind me. He knocked twice. “Nina,” he said in a low, desperate tone.
I pressed my head against the door and let out a weak, muffled cry. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t worthy enough for the truth. Anger took hold of me again, and I pushed away from the door, making my way to my room.
Beth sat at her desk, clicking the keyboard on her lap top when I swung the door open. She jumped and turned when the door knob hammered against the wal .
“Where were you? Ryan was waiting for you to come.” Her eyes bulged when she saw the expression on my face. “Nina?”
“I went to The Gate to get a bite to eat before heading to the hospital, but I ran into Mr. Dawson,” I said, slumping onto my bed.
“Mr. Dawson?” Her voice flew up an octave. “Why was he at The Gate?”
“He grabbed me, told me he wanted me to get the papers for him—“ “He grabbed you? Does Jared know?”
My eyes darted to hers with suspicion. “What makes you ask that?”
She hesitated, picking at her delicate fingers. “He always seems to have the best timing.”
“He didn’t show up this time.”
She leaned her head closer so that I would look at her. “Have you seen him today?”
“He just dropped me off,” I sighed.
“I don’t understand. He didn’t show up, but he brought you home?”
“Can we not talk about this anymore?”
“Oh. Sure. I’m sorry.” She dropped her arm from my shoulder and left me to sit on her own bed.
After a few moments, Beth sighed and fidgeted.
“What, Beth?”
“Nina…,” I waited for her to gain the courage for whatever it was she was struggling with. She took another breath, but it didn’t equip her with the bravery she was hoping for.
“What is it?”
“You love him,” she blurted out, quickly bracing for my reaction.
“I don’t love him. I don’t know anything about him.”
“How much is enough to know about someone before you can love them?”
I thought back to the way I felt when I was around him, the way his touch sent electricity through my body; the way his eyes melted me when he looked beyond my irises to something deeper, as if he could see my emotions dance around inside of me. I felt protected and whole in his presence that rivaled even the absolute security and love I felt being near my father. I shuddered when I considered how miserable my life would be if Jared did as I asked and left me alone.
“You love him,” Beth confirmed as she watched my expression. “He loves you, too, you know. It’s so obvious, almost as if he loved you before you met.” I shook my head in denial and Beth’s voice raised a tone higher. “Nina. Seriously? After everything that’s happened?”
“If he does, it’s not enough to trust me with the truth.” I winced at my own words. I didn’t realize how hurtful it would be to say them out loud.
“He’s stil not talking, huh?”
“I told him to leave me alone tonight.” Beth began to speak but I continued, “I didn’t mean it. Wel , I meant it, but it’s not what I want. Al he has to do is be honest with me, and he just...refuses.”
“Why do you have to understand it? Can’t you just be with him and forget about the rest?”
“Be with him how? I don’t even know where he lives. I don’t know his phone number, if he’s right or left-handed, or his birthday…I don’t know anything about him,” I said, disgusted with my predicament.
“I’ve seen you two together. It wil al work out,” she smiled.
I rol ed my eyes at her simple solution. Beth’s logic made my feelings more complicated than necessary, and I was glad when she seemed to give up. I was devastated about Jack, furious with Cynthia and found Jared guilty on principle. Other than that I didn’t want to think about it. Anger was easier to control than feeling betrayed.
Thursday morning I fol owed Beth to the table reserved for the coffee pots and various sugars and other creamers. Per her usual, Kim appeared behind us and complained about our additives. I gripped my travel mug with both hands, keeping in line with my friends.
Beth stopped in her tracks, initiating a pile-up. I slammed into Kim, and the coffee I held exploded from the slit in the lid, splattering in a vertical line from col ar to hem of my coat.
“Beth!” Kim and I both yelped in unison.
I looked down at my coat and used my mittens to brush off the dripping, mocha-colored liquid. Someone abruptly grabbed my arm and yanked me forward. I didn’t have time to see which of my girlfriends it was, because Jared’s incredible blue-grey eyes caught my attention the second I looked up.
I took quicker steps than I should have to be within conversation distance, but once I stood within a few feet of him, I couldn’t speak.
“Running late, aren’t you?” Jared said, seeming pleased at my reaction.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, baffled.
He laughed and looked down. I saw from my peripheral that Beth and Kim were just as awestruck as I was. I couldn’t imagine what had possessed him to show up here, and I was even more clueless at his carefree manner; as if our conversation from the night before had never taken place.
“Wil you have a seat?”
I sat down immediately, in an almost comical fashion. He usual y didn’t make an appearance unless he had something important he needed to say, or if there was trouble. The scenarios were flashing through my mind. I stared at him in silence, waiting for the answer.
He crossed his arms on the table and leaned toward me. “I know you said to leave you alone, but I did a lot of thinking last night and I had to see you. We need to talk.”
My mouth opened a bit in shock, and I shut it just as I looked up at Kim and Beth. Their mouths were in a similar state.
“We’l , er…meet you in class, Nigh,” Kim said, raising her eyebrows.
I grimaced as they abandoned me. My shoulders felt so tense they seemed to be hovering around my ears. I took a deep breath, and forced them down to their proper position.
Jared appeared nervous and he swal owed. “Did I cross a line?”
“I want answers, Jared.”
The corners of his mouth turned up as he slid a card over to my side of the table.
I pinched the thin paper between my fingers and examined it. It was a generical y ivory business card with his name and company name in chocolate brown writing. My heart kicked into high gear upon reading the next line, which contained his phone number.
“You’re giving me your number?”
“I am.” He waited for a moment with an expectant stare, and then I understood what it was that he wanted.
“Oh!” I said, scrambling to search my backpack for something to write on. I scribbled my name and number on a piece of paper and slid it to him, mimicking his smooth, single movement.
Jared grinned and poked the paper into his inside jacket pocket.
“What if that’s not my number?” I asked. “What if it’s the number to an anger management clinic for your sister?”
Jared shook his head, laughing once. “Then I’d give it to her. But I hope it’s yours. I need it to ask you to dinner properly.”
I could hear my heart pounding inside my chest, and when I thought he might be able to hear it, I felt my cheeks flush.
“I told you I needed answers, first,” I said, trying to seem calmer than I felt.
“I told you we were going to talk, didn’t I?” His eyes were bright with amusement, even seeming a lighter shade of blue. “I’m going to cal you this afternoon. Wil that be al right?”
