Then they’d both come back to bed and he’d made sure she ended up cuddled next to his furnace of a body. Only now she didn’t know quite what to do. No one ever described what you did after sex. Especially when it’d been your first time.
“Did it hurt?”
She jerked a little at Raj’s deep voice, her skin heating. But because she could hear the worry in his tone, she gave him an answer. “A tiny bit,” she said honestly as she turned onto her side to face him. “Kind of like a deep twinge.” She continued to feel him between her legs, as if he’d left an imprint inside her. She wondered how long it would last and hoped it would be a while. She liked the intimate sensation, hugged the erotic knowledge that she’d been with the most gorgeous man she’d ever met. And that she’d been his first too.
“Was it…” She bit down on her lower lip and tried again. “Did you have a good time?”
“Fucking incredible,” was the blunt response. “Even though I went off like a rocket.”
Nayna’s cheeks burned hot at the frank talk, but she liked it. “Me too,” she said, after coughing to clear her throat. “I… I liked feeling you move inside me.”
Raj’s legs stirred under the sheet. “So,” he murmured, “when do you think you’ll be ready again?”
Nayna’s eyes widened, her hand going motionless on his chest—because of course she’d begun petting him. “Do you want to?”
“Nayna, I’m a guy who just experienced sex for the first time—and with the hottest woman on the planet. Yes, I want to.”
His stomach rumbled.
“How about we eat something first?” She curled her fingers into the crispness of his chest hairs. “I’ve got microwave pasta or we can go down to one of the restaurants for a proper meal.”
“I like pasta,” said the hunk in bed with her. “’I also like you mostly naked.”
* * *
She ended up wearing Raj’s T-shirt over her bra. Her panties were a lost cause, and she decided against pulling on a fresh pair when they’d certainly end up as damp. The decision made her feel naughty and sexy—she couldn’t wait for Raj to discover her small secret.
Shivering inwardly, she stepped to the kitchenette with his large male presence by her side. He surprised her with how comfortable he was with the preparations. Unlike her father, he didn’t simply sit down and expect her to get everything on the table. He actively helped—and it made her wonder what he’d be like as a husband.
Unsettled by the rogue thought, she said, “Will coming down to see me put you behind schedule?”
“If it was for an entire week, yes, but a few days I can catch up over a weekend day or two.” After taking a sip of water he added, “I told my parents I was coming to see you.”
Nayna winced. “Your folks are very traditional, Raj.” She was probably a fallen woman in their eyes now, branded a bright scarlet. “And they’ve undoubtedly told my parents.”
“I’m sure both are deluding themselves that we’re just talking,” Raj said with that slow smile that made her stomach go into free fall. “That’s what I said I was coming to you to do—talk.”
Nayna grinned. “Do you think they actually believe that for a second?”
A masculine shrug, accompanied by an even deeper smile. “It doesn’t matter. We’re getting married anyway, so everyone’s going to look the other way.”
A tightness in Nayna’s chest, her plastic fork falling to the table. “Raj, just because we were… together doesn’t mean I’ve decided I’m ready for marriage.”
No scowl, no anger, just an intensity of eye contact from a man she already knew could be bullheaded when it suited him. “You waited twenty-eight years to sleep with a man. Do you truly believe you’re a woman who can take this anything but dead seriously?”
The words shook her. Because they were on the mark.
The idea of being naked with anyone but Raj, it made her stomach roil.
She picked up the fork with care and took a bite, chewed, before answering. “I don’t know who and what I am.” The words poured out from where they’d been stored for fourteen long years. “All I’ve ever done is try not to be like my sister. Following the rules because she broke the rules. Fighting to make my parents happy because she made them so sad. Doing my best to be a good girl because she was a bad girl.”
Her breath turned fast and shallow under the weight of a crushing realization she’d been struggling against for far too long. “I’m a negative of a person, Raj. I sometimes wonder who I would’ve become if Madhuri hadn’t run off at nineteen.”
She squeezed the fork. “If she hadn’t, would I still be this Nayna? Would I be the woman who’s never left home even to go on a short trip to another country with her friends? Would I be the accountant who wears boring suits and dresses that aren’t too short?” Bandage dress excepted. “Would I be the Nayna everyone can rely on to do exactly as she should?”
Her voice had risen with each word, until she couldn’t stand the pressure anymore and rose, began to pace around the room. Plastic fork still in hand, she gesticulated up at the ceiling. “Who the hell am I?” she yelled out to the heavens. “No one knows!” Her gaze connected with Raj’s. “Do you see me?” Harsh words, but fear tangled around her. “Or do you see the woman you want to see?”
Raj’s face was impossible to read, his body held loosely—but she saw the rigidity of his biceps, heard the fierce control in his voice. “What are you going to do?” Soft words, emotion locked down tight.
Nayna wanted to throw the lightweight fork at him, crack that shell. “I hate living alone,” she blurted out, gesturing around the cabin. “It’ll make me painfully unhappy long term, but I’m going to move out.” She hadn’t understood until right this instant that she’d made the call.
“I’ve had the goddamn sword of Damocles hanging over my head my entire adult life! Break a rule and it’ll fall.” Her shoulders sagged, her next words a whisper. “So let it fall.” At least she’d know then. No more wariness, no more toeing the line to stave off rejection.
Surely Aji would still love her, she comforted herself.
A muscle throbbed in Raj’s jaw. “Is there room in this new life of yours for me? Or were you telling the truth the night we met and you only ever wanted me for my body?”
He was angry, she realized. Very, very angry. She should’ve felt afraid but she didn’t. He had himself ruthlessly in check. And though she wanted to jump on the offer and never let him go, she had no right to stomp on his dreams. “You want a wife, Raj.” His assumption that their intimacy could have only one end underlined that searing truth. “You want tradition and marriage and a life rooted in community.”
Her eyes burned. “I would make you so unhappy.” It sickened her to think of this beautiful bright thing between them going to rot in the face of divergent dreams; she couldn’t bear to see Raj look at her in resentment. “We should end this before it hurts any more.”
Raj looked at her, all clenched muscles and fury before he rose and went to his duffel. Back to her and breath harsh, he pulled out a fresh T-shirt and shrugged into it. He had his feet in his sneakers and was walking out the door before she knew quite what was going on.
“Did it hurt?”
She jerked a little at Raj’s deep voice, her skin heating. But because she could hear the worry in his tone, she gave him an answer. “A tiny bit,” she said honestly as she turned onto her side to face him. “Kind of like a deep twinge.” She continued to feel him between her legs, as if he’d left an imprint inside her. She wondered how long it would last and hoped it would be a while. She liked the intimate sensation, hugged the erotic knowledge that she’d been with the most gorgeous man she’d ever met. And that she’d been his first too.
“Was it…” She bit down on her lower lip and tried again. “Did you have a good time?”
“Fucking incredible,” was the blunt response. “Even though I went off like a rocket.”
Nayna’s cheeks burned hot at the frank talk, but she liked it. “Me too,” she said, after coughing to clear her throat. “I… I liked feeling you move inside me.”
Raj’s legs stirred under the sheet. “So,” he murmured, “when do you think you’ll be ready again?”
Nayna’s eyes widened, her hand going motionless on his chest—because of course she’d begun petting him. “Do you want to?”
“Nayna, I’m a guy who just experienced sex for the first time—and with the hottest woman on the planet. Yes, I want to.”
His stomach rumbled.
“How about we eat something first?” She curled her fingers into the crispness of his chest hairs. “I’ve got microwave pasta or we can go down to one of the restaurants for a proper meal.”
“I like pasta,” said the hunk in bed with her. “’I also like you mostly naked.”
* * *
She ended up wearing Raj’s T-shirt over her bra. Her panties were a lost cause, and she decided against pulling on a fresh pair when they’d certainly end up as damp. The decision made her feel naughty and sexy—she couldn’t wait for Raj to discover her small secret.
Shivering inwardly, she stepped to the kitchenette with his large male presence by her side. He surprised her with how comfortable he was with the preparations. Unlike her father, he didn’t simply sit down and expect her to get everything on the table. He actively helped—and it made her wonder what he’d be like as a husband.
Unsettled by the rogue thought, she said, “Will coming down to see me put you behind schedule?”
“If it was for an entire week, yes, but a few days I can catch up over a weekend day or two.” After taking a sip of water he added, “I told my parents I was coming to see you.”
Nayna winced. “Your folks are very traditional, Raj.” She was probably a fallen woman in their eyes now, branded a bright scarlet. “And they’ve undoubtedly told my parents.”
“I’m sure both are deluding themselves that we’re just talking,” Raj said with that slow smile that made her stomach go into free fall. “That’s what I said I was coming to you to do—talk.”
Nayna grinned. “Do you think they actually believe that for a second?”
A masculine shrug, accompanied by an even deeper smile. “It doesn’t matter. We’re getting married anyway, so everyone’s going to look the other way.”
A tightness in Nayna’s chest, her plastic fork falling to the table. “Raj, just because we were… together doesn’t mean I’ve decided I’m ready for marriage.”
No scowl, no anger, just an intensity of eye contact from a man she already knew could be bullheaded when it suited him. “You waited twenty-eight years to sleep with a man. Do you truly believe you’re a woman who can take this anything but dead seriously?”
The words shook her. Because they were on the mark.
The idea of being naked with anyone but Raj, it made her stomach roil.
She picked up the fork with care and took a bite, chewed, before answering. “I don’t know who and what I am.” The words poured out from where they’d been stored for fourteen long years. “All I’ve ever done is try not to be like my sister. Following the rules because she broke the rules. Fighting to make my parents happy because she made them so sad. Doing my best to be a good girl because she was a bad girl.”
Her breath turned fast and shallow under the weight of a crushing realization she’d been struggling against for far too long. “I’m a negative of a person, Raj. I sometimes wonder who I would’ve become if Madhuri hadn’t run off at nineteen.”
She squeezed the fork. “If she hadn’t, would I still be this Nayna? Would I be the woman who’s never left home even to go on a short trip to another country with her friends? Would I be the accountant who wears boring suits and dresses that aren’t too short?” Bandage dress excepted. “Would I be the Nayna everyone can rely on to do exactly as she should?”
Her voice had risen with each word, until she couldn’t stand the pressure anymore and rose, began to pace around the room. Plastic fork still in hand, she gesticulated up at the ceiling. “Who the hell am I?” she yelled out to the heavens. “No one knows!” Her gaze connected with Raj’s. “Do you see me?” Harsh words, but fear tangled around her. “Or do you see the woman you want to see?”
Raj’s face was impossible to read, his body held loosely—but she saw the rigidity of his biceps, heard the fierce control in his voice. “What are you going to do?” Soft words, emotion locked down tight.
Nayna wanted to throw the lightweight fork at him, crack that shell. “I hate living alone,” she blurted out, gesturing around the cabin. “It’ll make me painfully unhappy long term, but I’m going to move out.” She hadn’t understood until right this instant that she’d made the call.
“I’ve had the goddamn sword of Damocles hanging over my head my entire adult life! Break a rule and it’ll fall.” Her shoulders sagged, her next words a whisper. “So let it fall.” At least she’d know then. No more wariness, no more toeing the line to stave off rejection.
Surely Aji would still love her, she comforted herself.
A muscle throbbed in Raj’s jaw. “Is there room in this new life of yours for me? Or were you telling the truth the night we met and you only ever wanted me for my body?”
He was angry, she realized. Very, very angry. She should’ve felt afraid but she didn’t. He had himself ruthlessly in check. And though she wanted to jump on the offer and never let him go, she had no right to stomp on his dreams. “You want a wife, Raj.” His assumption that their intimacy could have only one end underlined that searing truth. “You want tradition and marriage and a life rooted in community.”
Her eyes burned. “I would make you so unhappy.” It sickened her to think of this beautiful bright thing between them going to rot in the face of divergent dreams; she couldn’t bear to see Raj look at her in resentment. “We should end this before it hurts any more.”
Raj looked at her, all clenched muscles and fury before he rose and went to his duffel. Back to her and breath harsh, he pulled out a fresh T-shirt and shrugged into it. He had his feet in his sneakers and was walking out the door before she knew quite what was going on.
