My breath’s comin fast. I cain’t, I says, I dunno, I – I jest know it is.
You’ll have to do better than that, he says. Have I lied to you? Have I forced you to do anything you didn’t want to do?
No, but I – I’m sorry, I says. This is . . . this was a mistake.
His hands tighten on me. No mistake, he says. We’re the same, you and me. We’re meant for each other, made for each other. I knew you’d come to me and so did you, from that very first moment. The price on your head was just a safety net.
Lemme go, Seth, I says.
Where are you going? he says. Who’s waiting for you?
Nowhere, I says, nobody. Lemme go.
You’ll be back, he says. You won’t get far. Of your own free will, you’ll come to me again. And again and again. I’m a fever in your blood now, Saba. As you are in mine. He lets go of me. Stands back.
I snatch Nero from the table an dive outta the tent.
An I run.
I scramble around the pool, an start clamberin back up the rocks beside Weepin Water. I gotta let Nero fly. I cain’t run nor climb if I’m holdin him. He breaks away with a joyous squawk an flies free. I’m trapped by my thoughts, poundin in my head over an over.
Above all others, you chose me. Our child, Saba. A baby. No, it won’t happen, it cain’t happen. Yes it can. It could. Ma had me an Lugh when she was my age. Ohmigawd, what was I thinkin of?
I warn’t thinkin. I stopped thinkin. I was so blinded by rage an hurt an hate fer Jack an Lugh warn’t there to stop me an—
You gave yourself to me. And I gave myself to you. Freely.
Freely . . . my gawd. What we did together in the closeness of his bed. The shameless way I was with him. Don’t think about it, pretend it never happened. There cain’t be a baby, there mustn’t be. Back to the rest of ’em as quick as I can. Git Emmi an git the hell outta this place. Lugh’s right. We never should of come.
You’re extraordinary. You’ve only just begun to discover what you’re capable of. Imagine what you could do for the earth. To bring back – even just a little of that wonder.
The sights, the sounds of that lost world. I won’t never fergit. What if he’s right? What if we could go back to that?
I’m hurryin so much that I slip. Fall a couple of times an scrape my knee. The dress, DeMalo’s green dress gits torn an dirty.
It fits well. I knew you’d come to me. He must of got it with me in mind. How long had he bin keepin it in that trunk? I yank at the tear, rip it even more.
I’m hot an sweaty by the time I reach the top. Nero’s nowhere in sight. Damn bird. I whistle fer him as I head in the direction of Bram an Cassie’s place.
A horse’s head pops up in the middle of a wild wheat field. It’s Bram’s horse, grazin peaceably. He whinnies an comes gallopin up. I swing myself onto his back an heel him homewards. As his hoofs tear up the ground, I try to block out DeMalo’s voice in my head.
I’m a fever in your blood now, Saba.
A fever in my blood. That’s almost what Jack said.
Yer in my blood, Saba.
Jack. He deceived me. Betrayed me. This is all his fault.
An Emmi. I ain’t hardly spared a thought fer poor Em an what she might be goin through. I’m the worst sister in the world, the most selfish.
I keep on whistlin fer Nero. He don’t show.
I cain’t stop to look. I cain’t go back. He could be anywhere. But I got this funny feelin. This kinda prickle that he’s somewhere jest outta sight. That if I jest turned my head quick enough, I’d see him.
I don’t. I don’t.
Dammit, Nero.
I reach Bram an Cassie’s jest past middle day. If I act like all of this . . . DeMalo . . . if I make like it never happened, then it never happened. All I gotta think about now is gittin Em back.
There still ain’t no sign of Nero. It’s quiet at the homestead, nobody about. As I pass the stables, I do a quick check on Hermes. He ain’t here. Where is everybody? As I come to the house, I hear raised voices. Cassie an Bram. I take a deep breath an open the door. At the click of the latch, their heads turn quick. They’re tight faced, tight lipped. Alone.
Bram pulls me inside an slams the door shut. Where the hell you bin? he says.
Where is everybody? I says. Where’s Lugh?
Cassie’s keen eyes flick over my face. The dress. The boots. What’s all this? she says. Where’s the clothes I give you?
Nero got attacked by another bird, I says, an I had to climb up this cliff to git at him. Yer stuff got ripped to shreds. I stole this the first chance I got.
As I speak, I know how lame it sounds. What a obvious lie. Cassie glances at Bram. Even ruined, she can tell it’s a finer dress than any settler would own.
You put everybody at risk goin off like that, says Bram. What if you got caught?
I wouldn’t of squealed on yuz, I says. I’m sorry. I was upset. I had to git away an think.
Did it never occur to you that yer friends, yer brother, might be worried sick about you? says Cassie. That they might of spent most of the night lookin fer you?
I said I’m sorry, I says.
Well, while you bin off lickin yer wounded feelins, she says, Bram’s bin workin out a plan to git yer sister back. Seein how you couldn’t be bothered.
My cheeks flag hot with shame. I stand there, shoulders hunched, while her spiky tongue lashes me.
All right, that’s enough, says Bram. Everybody’s waitin at the ammo dump. I was jest on my way there.
I’ll come with you, I says.
You sure as hell will, he says.
I hesitate. He nods at the door. Wait outside, he says. I do as he says, feelin low an shabby an stupid. I only jest met Cassie an Bram, but their good opinion matters to me. Specially Bram. Last night, he kept his head better’n anybody I know could of.
My head’s whirlin. I dunno what to do. Everythin’s gone so wrong. I pace back an forth. I can still smell DeMalo on me. My skin. The dress.
Bram comes outta the house behind me. We hurry along the road towards the woods. Cassie sure don’t like you, he says. She don’t trust you. She asked me not to go. Says we oughta leave you to sort out yer own mess.
But yer gonna help git Em back, I says. You made a plan . . . she said.
Slim says you’ll go fer yer sister with or without my help, he says, an if it goes wrong an you git caught, they’ll put it all together. Yer sister, you, an that’ll lead ’em right here to us. That won’t jest be our whole set up blown, but me an Cassie an Slim – maybe even Molly – killed. So I’m gonna make sure you do it right. That we’re in an out quick an clean, we git yer sister, then all of yuz leave New Eden an never come back. I want you gone, d’you hear me?
Yes, I says. My humiliation burns my face. He’s right. Every word.
Slim likes you, he says, gawd knows why, he must be goin soft in the head. He could be a wanted man after what you did on the way here. The Cosmic’s easy to spot, even from a distance, an we got no idea if them Tonton got away before the causeway blew up. We’ll hafta hide him in the woods till we know if he’s safe or not. If he ain’t, we’ll hafta smuggle him out somehow. We only jest got started on this an thanks to you, I could lose my main man. He don’t jest run weapons, he’s my eyes an my ears. I’d sooner wring yer neck than help you, but . . . aw, hell, I’m sick of talkin about it.
You’ll have to do better than that, he says. Have I lied to you? Have I forced you to do anything you didn’t want to do?
No, but I – I’m sorry, I says. This is . . . this was a mistake.
His hands tighten on me. No mistake, he says. We’re the same, you and me. We’re meant for each other, made for each other. I knew you’d come to me and so did you, from that very first moment. The price on your head was just a safety net.
Lemme go, Seth, I says.
Where are you going? he says. Who’s waiting for you?
Nowhere, I says, nobody. Lemme go.
You’ll be back, he says. You won’t get far. Of your own free will, you’ll come to me again. And again and again. I’m a fever in your blood now, Saba. As you are in mine. He lets go of me. Stands back.
I snatch Nero from the table an dive outta the tent.
An I run.
I scramble around the pool, an start clamberin back up the rocks beside Weepin Water. I gotta let Nero fly. I cain’t run nor climb if I’m holdin him. He breaks away with a joyous squawk an flies free. I’m trapped by my thoughts, poundin in my head over an over.
Above all others, you chose me. Our child, Saba. A baby. No, it won’t happen, it cain’t happen. Yes it can. It could. Ma had me an Lugh when she was my age. Ohmigawd, what was I thinkin of?
I warn’t thinkin. I stopped thinkin. I was so blinded by rage an hurt an hate fer Jack an Lugh warn’t there to stop me an—
You gave yourself to me. And I gave myself to you. Freely.
Freely . . . my gawd. What we did together in the closeness of his bed. The shameless way I was with him. Don’t think about it, pretend it never happened. There cain’t be a baby, there mustn’t be. Back to the rest of ’em as quick as I can. Git Emmi an git the hell outta this place. Lugh’s right. We never should of come.
You’re extraordinary. You’ve only just begun to discover what you’re capable of. Imagine what you could do for the earth. To bring back – even just a little of that wonder.
The sights, the sounds of that lost world. I won’t never fergit. What if he’s right? What if we could go back to that?
I’m hurryin so much that I slip. Fall a couple of times an scrape my knee. The dress, DeMalo’s green dress gits torn an dirty.
It fits well. I knew you’d come to me. He must of got it with me in mind. How long had he bin keepin it in that trunk? I yank at the tear, rip it even more.
I’m hot an sweaty by the time I reach the top. Nero’s nowhere in sight. Damn bird. I whistle fer him as I head in the direction of Bram an Cassie’s place.
A horse’s head pops up in the middle of a wild wheat field. It’s Bram’s horse, grazin peaceably. He whinnies an comes gallopin up. I swing myself onto his back an heel him homewards. As his hoofs tear up the ground, I try to block out DeMalo’s voice in my head.
I’m a fever in your blood now, Saba.
A fever in my blood. That’s almost what Jack said.
Yer in my blood, Saba.
Jack. He deceived me. Betrayed me. This is all his fault.
An Emmi. I ain’t hardly spared a thought fer poor Em an what she might be goin through. I’m the worst sister in the world, the most selfish.
I keep on whistlin fer Nero. He don’t show.
I cain’t stop to look. I cain’t go back. He could be anywhere. But I got this funny feelin. This kinda prickle that he’s somewhere jest outta sight. That if I jest turned my head quick enough, I’d see him.
I don’t. I don’t.
Dammit, Nero.
I reach Bram an Cassie’s jest past middle day. If I act like all of this . . . DeMalo . . . if I make like it never happened, then it never happened. All I gotta think about now is gittin Em back.
There still ain’t no sign of Nero. It’s quiet at the homestead, nobody about. As I pass the stables, I do a quick check on Hermes. He ain’t here. Where is everybody? As I come to the house, I hear raised voices. Cassie an Bram. I take a deep breath an open the door. At the click of the latch, their heads turn quick. They’re tight faced, tight lipped. Alone.
Bram pulls me inside an slams the door shut. Where the hell you bin? he says.
Where is everybody? I says. Where’s Lugh?
Cassie’s keen eyes flick over my face. The dress. The boots. What’s all this? she says. Where’s the clothes I give you?
Nero got attacked by another bird, I says, an I had to climb up this cliff to git at him. Yer stuff got ripped to shreds. I stole this the first chance I got.
As I speak, I know how lame it sounds. What a obvious lie. Cassie glances at Bram. Even ruined, she can tell it’s a finer dress than any settler would own.
You put everybody at risk goin off like that, says Bram. What if you got caught?
I wouldn’t of squealed on yuz, I says. I’m sorry. I was upset. I had to git away an think.
Did it never occur to you that yer friends, yer brother, might be worried sick about you? says Cassie. That they might of spent most of the night lookin fer you?
I said I’m sorry, I says.
Well, while you bin off lickin yer wounded feelins, she says, Bram’s bin workin out a plan to git yer sister back. Seein how you couldn’t be bothered.
My cheeks flag hot with shame. I stand there, shoulders hunched, while her spiky tongue lashes me.
All right, that’s enough, says Bram. Everybody’s waitin at the ammo dump. I was jest on my way there.
I’ll come with you, I says.
You sure as hell will, he says.
I hesitate. He nods at the door. Wait outside, he says. I do as he says, feelin low an shabby an stupid. I only jest met Cassie an Bram, but their good opinion matters to me. Specially Bram. Last night, he kept his head better’n anybody I know could of.
My head’s whirlin. I dunno what to do. Everythin’s gone so wrong. I pace back an forth. I can still smell DeMalo on me. My skin. The dress.
Bram comes outta the house behind me. We hurry along the road towards the woods. Cassie sure don’t like you, he says. She don’t trust you. She asked me not to go. Says we oughta leave you to sort out yer own mess.
But yer gonna help git Em back, I says. You made a plan . . . she said.
Slim says you’ll go fer yer sister with or without my help, he says, an if it goes wrong an you git caught, they’ll put it all together. Yer sister, you, an that’ll lead ’em right here to us. That won’t jest be our whole set up blown, but me an Cassie an Slim – maybe even Molly – killed. So I’m gonna make sure you do it right. That we’re in an out quick an clean, we git yer sister, then all of yuz leave New Eden an never come back. I want you gone, d’you hear me?
Yes, I says. My humiliation burns my face. He’s right. Every word.
Slim likes you, he says, gawd knows why, he must be goin soft in the head. He could be a wanted man after what you did on the way here. The Cosmic’s easy to spot, even from a distance, an we got no idea if them Tonton got away before the causeway blew up. We’ll hafta hide him in the woods till we know if he’s safe or not. If he ain’t, we’ll hafta smuggle him out somehow. We only jest got started on this an thanks to you, I could lose my main man. He don’t jest run weapons, he’s my eyes an my ears. I’d sooner wring yer neck than help you, but . . . aw, hell, I’m sick of talkin about it.
