Revealed: The Missing Years
Page 88
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He tried to express how badly he wanted to get to her, how hard he tried. He also wanted her to know that he’d taken responsibility for the things that he’d done. He confessed and accepted his fate. Tony would never burden her with how difficult it was at Yankton. After all, she’d never told him about her time in prison. They’d both suffered. The difference was that Tony was the only one responsible. He wouldn’t continue to hurt her. He couldn’t.
Claire shook her head and pleaded her case. She didn’t say anything that he hadn’t already thought. As he listened, he realized that she was doing what he’d taught her to do, what at one time he’d required of her. She was pushing her memories and fears away to attend to him. He couldn’t allow that, not anymore. Claire needed to face their past and recognize that they couldn’t have a future—not together. It would never be healthy. He’d caused too much damage.
“I remember it all,” she refuted. “You’re the one who always said the past is the past, and to think about the present or the future.”
“I was wrong. You need to face it, and so do I. In all those discussions on the island, we never spoke about the things in Meredith’s book—”
Tears coated her cheeks, as Claire interrupted, “Because we were both there. During our discussions in paradise, you told me things I had no way of knowing. I know what happened between us. I also know it was a long time ago and it’s over. I don’t want to rehash it. I want the future.”
He feigned a smile. He wanted a future too—for her. “That’s what I want for you, too. I want you to have a future, free from all of our past. That’s why I built you a new, memory-free house, and Claire, that’s why Brent is ready to file for our divorce.”
She didn’t respond as her expression lost all understanding. He waited, wondering what she was thinking. Her eyes weren’t telling him what he needed to know. He longed for the fire behind the green. Finally, Tony asked, “Did you hear me? I won’t be the one to hurt you anymore, nor will Emily. You deserve fresh air and freedom. No one will ever be able to control you. Besides the money you still have invested overseas, I’m giving you the estate, a handsome settlement, and child support. With your wealth you can do anything you’ve ever dreamt of doing. You’ll be in control of your and Nichol’s future. I won’t fight you on anything.” Sheepishly, he added, “I do hope you’ll allow me to see our daughter, but I understand if you don’t.” The judge had said he was an endangerment to Nichol. Did Claire feel the same? Tony tried to move on, “I think we’ve thought of everything regarding this house, but if there’s something else you want or need, it’s yours. You can have anything you want.”
Her voice cracked. “You don’t want m-me?”
Nothing could be further from the truth. He wanted her. This made so much more sense when he was back at Yankton, in Jim’s office. Tony needed Claire to recognize that it wasn’t her—it was him. He lifted her hand and kissed the top. “Don’t ever think that. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“The reason the judge wouldn’t lift the restraining order and allow me to see you was because when the judge asked me if the accounts in Meredith’s book were correct, I told him yes. I admitted to everything. He ruled that I was a danger to you and Nichol.”
“That’s ridiculous. You never would have, nor will you ever, hurt Nichol. Obviously, we’re together now, so all that legal drama is over.” Her voice cracked as she asked, “Why are you throwing me away now?”
Tony stood and faced the trees as he fought the impending red. Claire wasn’t thinking straight, it was his conditioning speaking, not her true emotions. Inhaling deeply, he remembered Jim’s words. It would take time, but eventually, she’d understand. Tony reiterated, “I’m not throwing you away! I’m setting you free.”
The pain in her voice broke his heart. With each word, another piece crumbled. She was crying and telling him she was sorry. Sorry for being crazy. Sorry for not following his rules. Sorry for disappointing him. He couldn’t let her feel that way. It was like that word she used in the book. She was never the one at fault, it was all him. He was the one who was sorry.
Tony knelt before the love of his life and gently reached for her chin. “No, Claire. I’m the one who’s disappointed you, over and over.” With the pad of his thumb, he tenderly wiped away her tears. “While I was in prison, I learned you were finally getting better. I tried, but Emily still wouldn’t allow me to contact you. She wouldn’t allow hardly anyone to contact you. Courtney told me she only saw you through Meredith. She also said Emily wouldn’t even let you see Nichol.” The intensity of his eyes grew with each word, “I hated your sister! I was powerless to help you, and she was keeping you prisoner. I couldn’t even talk to you. Hell, I heard that even your time outside was monitored.”
Tony stood and once again paced the length of the balcony trying to rein in the red. Why did it need to surface around her? Tony knew why; he’d learned why. The red wasn’t just anger. It was emotion: emotion that threatened his better judgment and consumed his soul. Sometimes that emotion was anger, other times desire. Claire was the spark to his dry existence. In her presence the fire grew. There had been times he’d been unable to control the blaze, but now he’d learned to dampen the flames. Once he’d calmed, Tony continued, “While in prison, I agreed to counseling. I didn’t want to do it, but if doing it could help get me out of there early, I figured what the hell.” He sat back down. “I spoke to this shrink three times a week. It started with my answering his questions. Over time, it became easier to talk. When I told him how upset I was with Emily and what she was doing to you, he asked me why I was upset. I said it was because of what she was doing. He told me to think about it more and figure out why I was so upset. I had two days before I saw him again. Throughout those days, I couldn’t stop thinking about his question. It seemed obvious, until I realized…” His voice trailed away. Why was it so difficult to admit what Claire already knew, what she should know better than anyone else?
Claire shook her head and pleaded her case. She didn’t say anything that he hadn’t already thought. As he listened, he realized that she was doing what he’d taught her to do, what at one time he’d required of her. She was pushing her memories and fears away to attend to him. He couldn’t allow that, not anymore. Claire needed to face their past and recognize that they couldn’t have a future—not together. It would never be healthy. He’d caused too much damage.
“I remember it all,” she refuted. “You’re the one who always said the past is the past, and to think about the present or the future.”
“I was wrong. You need to face it, and so do I. In all those discussions on the island, we never spoke about the things in Meredith’s book—”
Tears coated her cheeks, as Claire interrupted, “Because we were both there. During our discussions in paradise, you told me things I had no way of knowing. I know what happened between us. I also know it was a long time ago and it’s over. I don’t want to rehash it. I want the future.”
He feigned a smile. He wanted a future too—for her. “That’s what I want for you, too. I want you to have a future, free from all of our past. That’s why I built you a new, memory-free house, and Claire, that’s why Brent is ready to file for our divorce.”
She didn’t respond as her expression lost all understanding. He waited, wondering what she was thinking. Her eyes weren’t telling him what he needed to know. He longed for the fire behind the green. Finally, Tony asked, “Did you hear me? I won’t be the one to hurt you anymore, nor will Emily. You deserve fresh air and freedom. No one will ever be able to control you. Besides the money you still have invested overseas, I’m giving you the estate, a handsome settlement, and child support. With your wealth you can do anything you’ve ever dreamt of doing. You’ll be in control of your and Nichol’s future. I won’t fight you on anything.” Sheepishly, he added, “I do hope you’ll allow me to see our daughter, but I understand if you don’t.” The judge had said he was an endangerment to Nichol. Did Claire feel the same? Tony tried to move on, “I think we’ve thought of everything regarding this house, but if there’s something else you want or need, it’s yours. You can have anything you want.”
Her voice cracked. “You don’t want m-me?”
Nothing could be further from the truth. He wanted her. This made so much more sense when he was back at Yankton, in Jim’s office. Tony needed Claire to recognize that it wasn’t her—it was him. He lifted her hand and kissed the top. “Don’t ever think that. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“The reason the judge wouldn’t lift the restraining order and allow me to see you was because when the judge asked me if the accounts in Meredith’s book were correct, I told him yes. I admitted to everything. He ruled that I was a danger to you and Nichol.”
“That’s ridiculous. You never would have, nor will you ever, hurt Nichol. Obviously, we’re together now, so all that legal drama is over.” Her voice cracked as she asked, “Why are you throwing me away now?”
Tony stood and faced the trees as he fought the impending red. Claire wasn’t thinking straight, it was his conditioning speaking, not her true emotions. Inhaling deeply, he remembered Jim’s words. It would take time, but eventually, she’d understand. Tony reiterated, “I’m not throwing you away! I’m setting you free.”
The pain in her voice broke his heart. With each word, another piece crumbled. She was crying and telling him she was sorry. Sorry for being crazy. Sorry for not following his rules. Sorry for disappointing him. He couldn’t let her feel that way. It was like that word she used in the book. She was never the one at fault, it was all him. He was the one who was sorry.
Tony knelt before the love of his life and gently reached for her chin. “No, Claire. I’m the one who’s disappointed you, over and over.” With the pad of his thumb, he tenderly wiped away her tears. “While I was in prison, I learned you were finally getting better. I tried, but Emily still wouldn’t allow me to contact you. She wouldn’t allow hardly anyone to contact you. Courtney told me she only saw you through Meredith. She also said Emily wouldn’t even let you see Nichol.” The intensity of his eyes grew with each word, “I hated your sister! I was powerless to help you, and she was keeping you prisoner. I couldn’t even talk to you. Hell, I heard that even your time outside was monitored.”
Tony stood and once again paced the length of the balcony trying to rein in the red. Why did it need to surface around her? Tony knew why; he’d learned why. The red wasn’t just anger. It was emotion: emotion that threatened his better judgment and consumed his soul. Sometimes that emotion was anger, other times desire. Claire was the spark to his dry existence. In her presence the fire grew. There had been times he’d been unable to control the blaze, but now he’d learned to dampen the flames. Once he’d calmed, Tony continued, “While in prison, I agreed to counseling. I didn’t want to do it, but if doing it could help get me out of there early, I figured what the hell.” He sat back down. “I spoke to this shrink three times a week. It started with my answering his questions. Over time, it became easier to talk. When I told him how upset I was with Emily and what she was doing to you, he asked me why I was upset. I said it was because of what she was doing. He told me to think about it more and figure out why I was so upset. I had two days before I saw him again. Throughout those days, I couldn’t stop thinking about his question. It seemed obvious, until I realized…” His voice trailed away. Why was it so difficult to admit what Claire already knew, what she should know better than anyone else?
