I fought with the annoyance that consumed me. “I don’t want coffee, Mum. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it.”
She gave me a pointed look, and then admitted, “There’s nothing wrong with my car, Nash. I just wanted some time with you.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Shit,” I muttered, but I didn’t sit down. I had no intention of staying for the conversation I knew was coming.
She surprised the fuck out of me with her next words. “Gabriella called me the other day.”
“What the hell? What did she want?”
“She wants to come and see you. To talk about it. I don’t think she’s coping, and I told her you weren’t either.”
The blinding rage I’d managed to keep at bay the last couple of weeks roared to life. My ears pounded with it, and my vision blurred. “She isn’t fuckin’ coping? Fuck, if it wasn’t for her, none of this shit would have ever happened. I’m not seeing her; I won’t. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to her about me,” I thundered.
Mum remained calm, but her voice took on the firm tone she hardly ever used. “Nash, I’m worried about you. Your anger is getting worse, and I’m worried you’re going to end up back where you were when you went to jail.”
“I’m dealing with this, okay? And I’m not going back to jail.”
She kept going, but her voice softened. “I hope not, because I don’t want you to go through that again. I don’t want any of our family to go through that again. You don’t know what it’s like for us to watch you do this to yourself; what it was like for us to watch you go to prison.” Her voice cracked, and then she continued, her eyes begging me to hear her, “Do you know how hard it is for a parent to watch their child go through what you did? And then to watch their child spend the next ten years struggling with the weight of it?”
My heart pumped furiously in my chest. I tried to control my temper. Tried not to explode at my mother, but I couldn’t stop myself. The pain took over. “No, I wouldn’t know because I don’t have a fuckin’ child,” I spat at her.
Fuck!
My skin crawled with hurt, anger, pain. The need to rip it all off was overwhelming, but I didn’t know how to do that. I’d never worked it out. The only things that eased it were fighting and fucking. But even I knew that I’d come to a point where they weren’t working anymore.
She let me hurl my hurt at her. She didn’t flinch; rather, she welcomed it. “I know you don’t want to see Gabriella, and I understand that. But I truly think it would be good for you. It might start to give you some closure.”
I stood there, wearing my brokenness like an old, familiar coat, and I admitted one of my greatest fears to my mother. “I can’t see her, can’t be in the same room as her. If we got into this in person, I’m worried what I would do.” I took a deep breath before I delivered the rest in a rough, distressed voice. “I’m worried my anger would make me do something none of us could come back from.”
Mum’s hand flew to her throat as she gasped. “You’re worried you would kill her?”
I nodded, the despair I’d been living with for ten years rising to the surface. “Yes, a life for a life.”
She was worried; I knew she was. It almost made me wish I hadn’t told her, but a part of me felt relieved to get it out there. “Nash - ” she began.
I cut her off. “I’m not going to see her so there won’t be a problem. And now that you know why, I’m hoping you’ll stop trying to push me.”
She nodded, and was about to say something when my phone buzzed with a text message.
Scott: You and Kick free to meet with Blade today?
Me: When?
Scott: As soon as possible.
Me: Yeah, I’ll round Kick up.
I eyed Mum. “I’ve got club business to take care of. You gonna be okay?”
She reached out to hug me, and then murmured, “I’ll never stop worrying about you, baby. I just hope you can stop bottling this up. Maybe Velvet can help you.”
I gave her a tight smile, and tried to reassure her. “She’s helping.”
“Good.” She shooed me with her hands. “Go. Take care of your work. And talk to Velvet. Promise me that at least.”
I couldn’t make promises I wasn’t sure I could keep. “I’ll tell her you said hi.”
I left her to go in search of Kick. The weight I’d been carrying felt a little lighter, and I contemplated talking to Velvet tonight; contemplated telling her what I hadn’t told her last night. I’d finally be laying myself bare to her, and I wasn’t sure anymore if that scared the shit out of me or made me feel the kind of hope I hadn’t felt in a long time.
***
Nash
Blade met Kick and I at Scott’s house. Scott had called in Griff and J for this meeting as well, and the mood was sombre. We were fairly sure that Marcus was still spreading lies about Scott to other club members so there was a sense of urgency to this.
Blade listened silently while Kick shared with him what he’d already told Scott and I. I watched Blade; his face was a blank mask. He hid his emotions completely. I’d never met someone as unreadable as him. Griff came close, but perhaps because I’d gotten to know him, I could read him better than Blade.
When Kick finished talking, Blade asked, “Are you in with any cops up here? To ask if they know anything about this.”
She gave me a pointed look, and then admitted, “There’s nothing wrong with my car, Nash. I just wanted some time with you.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Shit,” I muttered, but I didn’t sit down. I had no intention of staying for the conversation I knew was coming.
She surprised the fuck out of me with her next words. “Gabriella called me the other day.”
“What the hell? What did she want?”
“She wants to come and see you. To talk about it. I don’t think she’s coping, and I told her you weren’t either.”
The blinding rage I’d managed to keep at bay the last couple of weeks roared to life. My ears pounded with it, and my vision blurred. “She isn’t fuckin’ coping? Fuck, if it wasn’t for her, none of this shit would have ever happened. I’m not seeing her; I won’t. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to her about me,” I thundered.
Mum remained calm, but her voice took on the firm tone she hardly ever used. “Nash, I’m worried about you. Your anger is getting worse, and I’m worried you’re going to end up back where you were when you went to jail.”
“I’m dealing with this, okay? And I’m not going back to jail.”
She kept going, but her voice softened. “I hope not, because I don’t want you to go through that again. I don’t want any of our family to go through that again. You don’t know what it’s like for us to watch you do this to yourself; what it was like for us to watch you go to prison.” Her voice cracked, and then she continued, her eyes begging me to hear her, “Do you know how hard it is for a parent to watch their child go through what you did? And then to watch their child spend the next ten years struggling with the weight of it?”
My heart pumped furiously in my chest. I tried to control my temper. Tried not to explode at my mother, but I couldn’t stop myself. The pain took over. “No, I wouldn’t know because I don’t have a fuckin’ child,” I spat at her.
Fuck!
My skin crawled with hurt, anger, pain. The need to rip it all off was overwhelming, but I didn’t know how to do that. I’d never worked it out. The only things that eased it were fighting and fucking. But even I knew that I’d come to a point where they weren’t working anymore.
She let me hurl my hurt at her. She didn’t flinch; rather, she welcomed it. “I know you don’t want to see Gabriella, and I understand that. But I truly think it would be good for you. It might start to give you some closure.”
I stood there, wearing my brokenness like an old, familiar coat, and I admitted one of my greatest fears to my mother. “I can’t see her, can’t be in the same room as her. If we got into this in person, I’m worried what I would do.” I took a deep breath before I delivered the rest in a rough, distressed voice. “I’m worried my anger would make me do something none of us could come back from.”
Mum’s hand flew to her throat as she gasped. “You’re worried you would kill her?”
I nodded, the despair I’d been living with for ten years rising to the surface. “Yes, a life for a life.”
She was worried; I knew she was. It almost made me wish I hadn’t told her, but a part of me felt relieved to get it out there. “Nash - ” she began.
I cut her off. “I’m not going to see her so there won’t be a problem. And now that you know why, I’m hoping you’ll stop trying to push me.”
She nodded, and was about to say something when my phone buzzed with a text message.
Scott: You and Kick free to meet with Blade today?
Me: When?
Scott: As soon as possible.
Me: Yeah, I’ll round Kick up.
I eyed Mum. “I’ve got club business to take care of. You gonna be okay?”
She reached out to hug me, and then murmured, “I’ll never stop worrying about you, baby. I just hope you can stop bottling this up. Maybe Velvet can help you.”
I gave her a tight smile, and tried to reassure her. “She’s helping.”
“Good.” She shooed me with her hands. “Go. Take care of your work. And talk to Velvet. Promise me that at least.”
I couldn’t make promises I wasn’t sure I could keep. “I’ll tell her you said hi.”
I left her to go in search of Kick. The weight I’d been carrying felt a little lighter, and I contemplated talking to Velvet tonight; contemplated telling her what I hadn’t told her last night. I’d finally be laying myself bare to her, and I wasn’t sure anymore if that scared the shit out of me or made me feel the kind of hope I hadn’t felt in a long time.
***
Nash
Blade met Kick and I at Scott’s house. Scott had called in Griff and J for this meeting as well, and the mood was sombre. We were fairly sure that Marcus was still spreading lies about Scott to other club members so there was a sense of urgency to this.
Blade listened silently while Kick shared with him what he’d already told Scott and I. I watched Blade; his face was a blank mask. He hid his emotions completely. I’d never met someone as unreadable as him. Griff came close, but perhaps because I’d gotten to know him, I could read him better than Blade.
When Kick finished talking, Blade asked, “Are you in with any cops up here? To ask if they know anything about this.”
