When we nearly pass out on the bed, I keep blinking and staring at the ceiling.
Fuck. I can’t believe I said that. So easily it came this time. No more fears. No more insecurities. I am in love and I’m owning it like a badass!
“I love you,” I repeat, rolling to my elbow and kissing his jaw. “I’m in love with you, dick-douche-jerk-fucking-face, I LOVE YOU!” I cry, and start laughing when he rolls over to squish me and yells, “Finally, the woman makes sense!”
I sigh and hug him to me. “Kenna . . . what are we going to do?”
He’s holding me as I lie, luxuriating in bed, when he lifts my hand up to his mouth and he kisses the second most precious thing he’s ever given me in my life. His mother’s ring.
“We’re getting married.”
TWENTY-THREE
ENDS AND BEGINNINGS
Mackenna
Guess there’s something bittersweet about a beginning, because it almost always requires an end. My beginning right now requires I end my stint with Crack Bikini.
Six years, almost.
Enough to learn, live, sing my fucking heart out. Hell, enough to realize I don’t want to die a rockstar.
I want to die a family man . . . who used to sing.
I told Lionel I needed out way back. Told him I wanted to make music my own way. At my own pace. In my own time. I told him I want to have friends at the bar where I nightly perform, build some roots—somewhere.
No. Not somewhere.
I want to build some roots in Seattle with my girl.
She’s my beginning, the beginning I’ve craved for six years—one I never knew I could have until I saw her again. But saying goodbye to Crack Bikini isn’t without some pain.
The lyrics I’m recording aren’t without some pain.
Pandora’s tormented. She keeps asking if I’m sure I want to leave the band. She says, “You don’t have to leave it for me.”
“No, Pink, it’s for me,” I promise her.
The truth is it’s for me, for my father. But mostly, for us.
We’re at our headquarters. The place where the guys and I have recorded, nonstop, several songs. Pandora waits outside, chatting with Lionel, while I tape not the one song I promised Lionel but two.
Through the window, I see her. The smile on her face? Yeah, that shit’s rare and precious. It’s what gives me the strength to go on, get these tapes down, get it over with.
The guys will get two singles from me for the new album.
The rest will be instrumental; heavy on the guitars. The boys are excited about mashing those guitar-heavy orchestral songs with a variety of popular songs from different singers. It’ll probably be the perfect music for dancing at any fucking bar.
“You sure about this, man?” Lex asks when I come out to say goodbye. We do a hand salute we used to do when we were younger, and I slap his back.
“Yeah, as sure as you are of keeping that ugly dragon up your arm.”
“Kenna, dude, anytime you feel like stopping by to work on tracks, tour with us . . . ,” Jax begins.
“I’ll just stop by without warning, catch you two bastards unawares,” I kid, doing our handshakes too.
Lionel has seen this coming, I know, since my father was released from prison and I mentioned wanting to be closer to him. Have some time to spend with the only family I got.
“Anything I can do to change your mind?” Lionel asks.
I reach out for Pandora, who’s been standing a bit to the side, giving us some privacy. I grab her by the back of the neck and pull her close to me. “Won’t ever be ready to leave my vixen again.”
“Kenna, but your music . . .”
“My music will always be with me.” I tip her head up, her gaze somehow both dark and playful. “Am I finally going to hear that song you promised to write to me?”
She flushes beet red. “The first one doesn’t fit anymore.”
“Write me another one, then. Better yet, would you like to write one with me?”
TWENTY-FOUR
SPARKLING SHINY NEW LIFE
Pandora
The moment has been testing me to the point that I’m blinking and staring at my nails, my feet. Mackenna Jones leaving Crack Bikini . . .
All this time, I’ve been watching him inside the recording studio, pouring his heart out into the two singles he wants to leave behind. The prickles in the back of my eyes won’t cease. I tried texting with my friends, letting them know I’m coming back home and that . . .
. . . I’m moving in with Mackenna Jones.
Brooke and Melanie nearly burst my cell phone. While Mackenna recorded, the twins hovered by my side. I sensed they were both happy and sad, but mostly sad for themselves, happy for us.
“Always had a thing for you, that guy did,” Lex promises.
Jax jabs a thumb toward his brother. “What he said.”
My smile trembles a little. What can you say? Goodbyes are a bitch, and this is the first time in my life I ever get to have one. No goodbye to Mackenna when he left. None to my father. None to my daughter. This is my first goodbye, and it’s a doozy.
“So have I. And guys,” I add, my voice cracking as I finally admit, “consider me your number-one fan from now on.”
“Awww, she likes us, Jax!” Lex shucks before they both lunge at me. We’re hugging, and when they start playfully squeezing my butt, Mackenna promptly comes out to pull them off me.
“Back off, dweebs.”
That’s when Lex turns to him. “You sure about this, man . . . ?”
Fuck. I can’t believe I said that. So easily it came this time. No more fears. No more insecurities. I am in love and I’m owning it like a badass!
“I love you,” I repeat, rolling to my elbow and kissing his jaw. “I’m in love with you, dick-douche-jerk-fucking-face, I LOVE YOU!” I cry, and start laughing when he rolls over to squish me and yells, “Finally, the woman makes sense!”
I sigh and hug him to me. “Kenna . . . what are we going to do?”
He’s holding me as I lie, luxuriating in bed, when he lifts my hand up to his mouth and he kisses the second most precious thing he’s ever given me in my life. His mother’s ring.
“We’re getting married.”
TWENTY-THREE
ENDS AND BEGINNINGS
Mackenna
Guess there’s something bittersweet about a beginning, because it almost always requires an end. My beginning right now requires I end my stint with Crack Bikini.
Six years, almost.
Enough to learn, live, sing my fucking heart out. Hell, enough to realize I don’t want to die a rockstar.
I want to die a family man . . . who used to sing.
I told Lionel I needed out way back. Told him I wanted to make music my own way. At my own pace. In my own time. I told him I want to have friends at the bar where I nightly perform, build some roots—somewhere.
No. Not somewhere.
I want to build some roots in Seattle with my girl.
She’s my beginning, the beginning I’ve craved for six years—one I never knew I could have until I saw her again. But saying goodbye to Crack Bikini isn’t without some pain.
The lyrics I’m recording aren’t without some pain.
Pandora’s tormented. She keeps asking if I’m sure I want to leave the band. She says, “You don’t have to leave it for me.”
“No, Pink, it’s for me,” I promise her.
The truth is it’s for me, for my father. But mostly, for us.
We’re at our headquarters. The place where the guys and I have recorded, nonstop, several songs. Pandora waits outside, chatting with Lionel, while I tape not the one song I promised Lionel but two.
Through the window, I see her. The smile on her face? Yeah, that shit’s rare and precious. It’s what gives me the strength to go on, get these tapes down, get it over with.
The guys will get two singles from me for the new album.
The rest will be instrumental; heavy on the guitars. The boys are excited about mashing those guitar-heavy orchestral songs with a variety of popular songs from different singers. It’ll probably be the perfect music for dancing at any fucking bar.
“You sure about this, man?” Lex asks when I come out to say goodbye. We do a hand salute we used to do when we were younger, and I slap his back.
“Yeah, as sure as you are of keeping that ugly dragon up your arm.”
“Kenna, dude, anytime you feel like stopping by to work on tracks, tour with us . . . ,” Jax begins.
“I’ll just stop by without warning, catch you two bastards unawares,” I kid, doing our handshakes too.
Lionel has seen this coming, I know, since my father was released from prison and I mentioned wanting to be closer to him. Have some time to spend with the only family I got.
“Anything I can do to change your mind?” Lionel asks.
I reach out for Pandora, who’s been standing a bit to the side, giving us some privacy. I grab her by the back of the neck and pull her close to me. “Won’t ever be ready to leave my vixen again.”
“Kenna, but your music . . .”
“My music will always be with me.” I tip her head up, her gaze somehow both dark and playful. “Am I finally going to hear that song you promised to write to me?”
She flushes beet red. “The first one doesn’t fit anymore.”
“Write me another one, then. Better yet, would you like to write one with me?”
TWENTY-FOUR
SPARKLING SHINY NEW LIFE
Pandora
The moment has been testing me to the point that I’m blinking and staring at my nails, my feet. Mackenna Jones leaving Crack Bikini . . .
All this time, I’ve been watching him inside the recording studio, pouring his heart out into the two singles he wants to leave behind. The prickles in the back of my eyes won’t cease. I tried texting with my friends, letting them know I’m coming back home and that . . .
. . . I’m moving in with Mackenna Jones.
Brooke and Melanie nearly burst my cell phone. While Mackenna recorded, the twins hovered by my side. I sensed they were both happy and sad, but mostly sad for themselves, happy for us.
“Always had a thing for you, that guy did,” Lex promises.
Jax jabs a thumb toward his brother. “What he said.”
My smile trembles a little. What can you say? Goodbyes are a bitch, and this is the first time in my life I ever get to have one. No goodbye to Mackenna when he left. None to my father. None to my daughter. This is my first goodbye, and it’s a doozy.
“So have I. And guys,” I add, my voice cracking as I finally admit, “consider me your number-one fan from now on.”
“Awww, she likes us, Jax!” Lex shucks before they both lunge at me. We’re hugging, and when they start playfully squeezing my butt, Mackenna promptly comes out to pull them off me.
“Back off, dweebs.”
That’s when Lex turns to him. “You sure about this, man . . . ?”
