I felt a frown pull at my face as the sides of my mouth turned down. “I don’t really remember that.” I had vague recollections of my mom being sad after we were back in Lowry, but I always figured it had to do with my grandparents’ ignorance and the mean things people would say about me when they thought she couldn’t hear. Maybe there was a time before I remembered Jules being a part of my life when she had cried more than normal but I was too young to have any clear memory of it.
“That’s because it didn’t last long. I realized pretty quickly that I was an idiot. Fear can make a smart man do very hurtful things, but eventually the heart wins out because fear is fleeting and love lasts forever. It took me six months to win her back and another six plus an engagement ring before she would let me meet you. She said she could handle me breaking her heart again but there was no way in hell that she was going to let me mess with her little boy’s. She didn’t need to worry. It was love at first sight with you, son. I took one look at you and knew I would do everything in my power to be the best dad I could be for you. I knew that what my dad had taught me didn’t matter, that being a parent was something you could choose to be good at, and could make the effort to get better at every single day. He didn’t want to do the work, I did … and still do.”
It was my turn to clear my throat. “You were the best back then, and if Dalen is anything to go by you’re the best now. You didn’t have to keep showing up when things got hard. In fact, I don’t think anyone would have blamed you if you’d bailed.” Well, he probably would have blamed himself like I’d been doing the last ten years and that was a heavy burden to haul around.
He chuckled but there was no humor in it. “You don’t think I wanted to, Dash? I was a county cop in a small town with two kids that had just lost their mom. I lost the love of my life and didn’t have anyone to turn to. There were times I would be on patrol and think about driving and driving until Lowry and everything that was here was behind me. There are nights I don’t remember getting you kids to bed and there are entire days I can’t recall. I started doing stuff at work that had my bosses threatening to put me on a desk. I wasn’t living for me, and I was hardly showing up for you kids. Thank the Lord Elma was there because there’s a good chance I would have screwed everything up and lost you both.”
Again I couldn’t remember any of that. After Mom died I was in my own youthful fog of grief and misery. I’d also had my hands full with a little brother that needed constant care and supervision. Plus, I was a new teenager and dealing with puberty that hit like a Mack Truck. Sure, Jules had maybe been a little more distant, a little less affectionate than he typically was, but I figured that was how real men, how men like him, dealt with the loss of a loved one.
“It was Caroline who pointed out how much I had to lose. I brought Dalen in for a checkup and he was underweight, he needed his nails trimmed, and he had cradle cap. She yelled at me, told me that it was awful I’d lost my wife but my son was still here. I still had the opportunity to hold him in my arms, and if I didn’t get my head out of my ass I was going to lose that.” A soft grin touched his mouth as he spoke about his second wife. “It was a wake-up call I desperately needed because I had checked out, son. I was physically here, but mentally …” He blew out a breath and pointed to the stars. “I was long gone.”
He cut another look at me. “I didn’t want to fall for Caroline. I didn’t want to love anyone else. I had my boys and my work and I was happy with that. When she started to pursue me I resisted.” He gave me a look with a lifted eyebrow that told me without words he clearly remembered my resistance when he entered my life. “I remember when Caroline was pulled out of school when she was initially diagnosed. She was a few grades younger than me and I remembered thinking it was impossible for someone so young to be so sick. But like I said, love will always outlast fear.”
He didn’t talk about being afraid like it was something to be ashamed of. He didn’t talk about the fear like it was something that made him, or me, weak. He talked about it like it was a fact of life and we had to learn how to live with it, and the hurtful things it made us do, just like we had to live with the fact we couldn’t pick the person our hearts settled on.
“I loved her when I didn’t want to and I don’t regret a minute of it. What I do regret, son, is the same thing you now regret. I regret the time that I allowed fear to steal from me. I regret every second, every minute, every hour I let fear keep me from your mom all the way to when I was younger up until she let me back into her life. I regret every moment of time I lost with Caroline because I was terrified of something I had no control over. She would have been sick with or without us and I thank God every day that she got to spend the last years of her life with our family because we were the only thing she wanted and she gave us back everything we lost and then some.”
I felt a ball of emotion lodge in my throat. I had to blink my eyes because they stung. My hands curled around the arms of the chair so tightly the plastic groaned in protest.
“I hated when you left, son. I hated it for you and I hated it for us. You should have been here so I could watch you become the man you are today, Dash, but you let fear take that away from you, and you let fear keep that from the rest of us. It’s up to you if you’re going to let fear take even more from you.” He reached out a hand and put it on my shoulder. “Make good choices, son.” That seemed to be his favorite bit of advice now that I was back home.
“That’s because it didn’t last long. I realized pretty quickly that I was an idiot. Fear can make a smart man do very hurtful things, but eventually the heart wins out because fear is fleeting and love lasts forever. It took me six months to win her back and another six plus an engagement ring before she would let me meet you. She said she could handle me breaking her heart again but there was no way in hell that she was going to let me mess with her little boy’s. She didn’t need to worry. It was love at first sight with you, son. I took one look at you and knew I would do everything in my power to be the best dad I could be for you. I knew that what my dad had taught me didn’t matter, that being a parent was something you could choose to be good at, and could make the effort to get better at every single day. He didn’t want to do the work, I did … and still do.”
It was my turn to clear my throat. “You were the best back then, and if Dalen is anything to go by you’re the best now. You didn’t have to keep showing up when things got hard. In fact, I don’t think anyone would have blamed you if you’d bailed.” Well, he probably would have blamed himself like I’d been doing the last ten years and that was a heavy burden to haul around.
He chuckled but there was no humor in it. “You don’t think I wanted to, Dash? I was a county cop in a small town with two kids that had just lost their mom. I lost the love of my life and didn’t have anyone to turn to. There were times I would be on patrol and think about driving and driving until Lowry and everything that was here was behind me. There are nights I don’t remember getting you kids to bed and there are entire days I can’t recall. I started doing stuff at work that had my bosses threatening to put me on a desk. I wasn’t living for me, and I was hardly showing up for you kids. Thank the Lord Elma was there because there’s a good chance I would have screwed everything up and lost you both.”
Again I couldn’t remember any of that. After Mom died I was in my own youthful fog of grief and misery. I’d also had my hands full with a little brother that needed constant care and supervision. Plus, I was a new teenager and dealing with puberty that hit like a Mack Truck. Sure, Jules had maybe been a little more distant, a little less affectionate than he typically was, but I figured that was how real men, how men like him, dealt with the loss of a loved one.
“It was Caroline who pointed out how much I had to lose. I brought Dalen in for a checkup and he was underweight, he needed his nails trimmed, and he had cradle cap. She yelled at me, told me that it was awful I’d lost my wife but my son was still here. I still had the opportunity to hold him in my arms, and if I didn’t get my head out of my ass I was going to lose that.” A soft grin touched his mouth as he spoke about his second wife. “It was a wake-up call I desperately needed because I had checked out, son. I was physically here, but mentally …” He blew out a breath and pointed to the stars. “I was long gone.”
He cut another look at me. “I didn’t want to fall for Caroline. I didn’t want to love anyone else. I had my boys and my work and I was happy with that. When she started to pursue me I resisted.” He gave me a look with a lifted eyebrow that told me without words he clearly remembered my resistance when he entered my life. “I remember when Caroline was pulled out of school when she was initially diagnosed. She was a few grades younger than me and I remembered thinking it was impossible for someone so young to be so sick. But like I said, love will always outlast fear.”
He didn’t talk about being afraid like it was something to be ashamed of. He didn’t talk about the fear like it was something that made him, or me, weak. He talked about it like it was a fact of life and we had to learn how to live with it, and the hurtful things it made us do, just like we had to live with the fact we couldn’t pick the person our hearts settled on.
“I loved her when I didn’t want to and I don’t regret a minute of it. What I do regret, son, is the same thing you now regret. I regret the time that I allowed fear to steal from me. I regret every second, every minute, every hour I let fear keep me from your mom all the way to when I was younger up until she let me back into her life. I regret every moment of time I lost with Caroline because I was terrified of something I had no control over. She would have been sick with or without us and I thank God every day that she got to spend the last years of her life with our family because we were the only thing she wanted and she gave us back everything we lost and then some.”
I felt a ball of emotion lodge in my throat. I had to blink my eyes because they stung. My hands curled around the arms of the chair so tightly the plastic groaned in protest.
“I hated when you left, son. I hated it for you and I hated it for us. You should have been here so I could watch you become the man you are today, Dash, but you let fear take that away from you, and you let fear keep that from the rest of us. It’s up to you if you’re going to let fear take even more from you.” He reached out a hand and put it on my shoulder. “Make good choices, son.” That seemed to be his favorite bit of advice now that I was back home.
