It was the first time he’d ever really been serious about anything other than his sobriety and Rock Solid. The construction company was so much a part of his brother as well, Trevor wasn’t sure if that counted.
He waited until after they’d finished eating dinner at his mom’s house to say, “I need to talk to you guys for a minute.”
Trevor tried to ignore the concerned looks in both their eyes as they all took a seat in the living room—Trevor and his mom on the beige couch, with Blake on the chair across from them.
He rubbed his hands together, trying not to be nervous but he couldn’t help that he was. What if he wasn’t ready? This could go really fucking wrong.
“I’m in love with Simon,” Trevor blurted out. There was probably an easier way for him to lead into it but there it was.
Blake didn’t move, just continued sitting there, elbows on knees, watching him. It was their mom who spoke. “Does he feel the same?” She sounded worried as hell. He got that. It wasn’t like Trevor had ever done anything the easy way, and Simon hadn’t made the best impression.
“Don’t know.” Trevor shrugged. He’d told Simon and Simon hadn’t said it back. “He asked me to move in with him.”
“You live there already,” Blake cut in.
“You know what I mean.”
“Oh, Trevor.” His mom leaned closer, and hugged him. “I’m happy for you. That’s the news any mom wants to hear.”
She didn’t have to say the “but” for Trevor to hear it.
“Are you sure you aren’t moving too quickly? It’s only been a few months. You have Rock Solid, and your sobriety needs to be the most important aspect of your life right now. Have you really thought this through?”
He got why she would ask. When had he ever really thought anything through? But this, he did. Maybe after everything he’d done, Trevor didn’t really deserve this piece of happiness, but he wanted it. “Yeah, yeah I’m sure. I’m doing everything I can to make the right decisions. I’m doing everything in my power to be a good man. I haven’t missed a meeting, and I haven’t slipped up—not once. I go to work. I do all the shit I didn’t do before. Don’t I deserve to be happy too?”
Her eyes pooled with tears and she smiled. Trevor let out a deep breath. He needed this. Needed their support because he was scared to death of fucking this up.
“Of course you do. You’re right.” She hugged him again, and they continued talking. Trevor told them he hadn’t said yes yet but he would. They spoke about the surgery, and since the job they were working on was small, it was okay for him to take a few days off. Blake replied when he should, and agreed when he needed to, but he was pissed. Trevor could always read his brother. Still, he waited until they got home to confront him.
Trevor held his arms out and then let them fall again. “Let me have it. I know you want to. Tell me everything I’m doing wrong, and how you would do it better. Oh, and don’t forget all the ways I’ll screw up in the future.” He was so tired of this shit. So fucking tired of fighting and defending himself.
Blake shrugged. “I got nothing, man. You just do whatever you gotta do, and I’ll be here waiting to help you put your shit back together when it falls apart.”
Anger took control of Trevor’s muscles, made his feet move, so he took a step forward and his arms lifted to push his brother. Blake stumbled backward but caught his footing easily. “Fuck. You. I never asked you for shit. You’re the one who came to me about Rock Solid. You’re the one who said we should get a place together. I’m not stupid. I know it’s because you think you need to babysit me, but don’t put that shit on me! I never asked you to do it.”
Blake got right in his face, hot breath against Trevor’s skin. “Did you ever think it’s because I missed my brother?” He pushed Trevor back, but Trevor didn’t advance on him again. He stood there, breathing heavily, his chest aching from the pain in Blake’s eyes. They reminded him of the hurt he’d seen in his own too many times. Of the hurt he’d put in his brother’s or his mother’s eyes more than he ever wanted to do. “You were my best friend. No matter what, I always had my big brother. We did everything together, and then I lost you because you chose drugs over family. You’re my twin. Maybe you were too fucked up to feel that loss, but I wasn’t, Trev. I fucking felt it.”
Blake shook his head, locked his hands together behind his neck, elbows out, and looked down. “It was different in the beginning. When you first got out of rehab, I couldn’t let myself believe you would stick with it because I didn’t want to be let down again. Just when I started to believe it, just when I got my brother back, you traded one addiction for another—drugs for Simon. You do that, man, make your life all about one thing.” he shrugged. “I guess I was just hoping for a little time with my brother. Not the guy we had for all those years you were using, but the real Trevor. I get it, though. You deserve to be happy. Move on with your life. Whatever you need. I’ll just keep living in your shadow.”
