She looked at me out of those odd eyes, compassion in the blue one, censure and warning in the coffee-colored one.
“That’s too much for one person to try and carry around all the time, Rome. You can’t be responsible for everyone or feel guilty all the time for being one of lucky ones.”
“Like you?” I cut a sideways look at her. “You run around rescuing those guys, Shaw and Ayden, and now me. You want to save everyone just as much as I do.” I wasn’t going to touch the guilty part of that statement.
“Yeah, I do, only the difference is that when they suffer from their own choices, I don’t take the responsibility for it. When Rule was acting like an idiot and walked away from Shaw, that wasn’t my fault. When Ayden was pretending like she could live without Jet, that had nothing to do with me. I’m just there to love them through it and pick up the pieces after. You think that you directly impact the bad things and that’s just stupid.”
She kind of had a point, so I didn’t answer her and as such we spent the rest of the ride in silence. I turned on the radio and let old Pink Floyd fill the cab. When we got to the bar I pulled around back and she pointed to a ridiculous Mini Cooper that was painted a bright neon green. Of course that’s what she drove. I wouldn’t even fit in the thing. I pulled up next to it and killed the engine. I leaned across the seat and dug my stuff out of the glove box. I didn’t miss the way her breath caught when my arm brushed across her chest.
We stared at each other in mute silence for a full minute before she reached for the door handle. I couldn’t just let her leave without saying something about this morning, not that I had a clue what that should be.
“About this morning …” She held up a hand before I could start.
“Just don’t.” She shook her head. “It was what it was and let’s leave it at that. You’re ridiculously hot, but I don’t want to be alone forever and the kind of guy I’m looking for doesn’t come with all the questions and inner turmoil that seems to be eating you alive. I want someone steady, someone ready to settle down for the long haul, and ready to be all in with me. You aren’t even close to being in a place where you’re all in for yourself, let alone someone else. I get that you’ve been through a really hard time, have seen more than your fair share of awful things, but I need a guy living his life like tomorrow matters, not like it’s a curse. I’m sorry, Rome. My perfect guy has got to come already together and be good enough, no assembly required by me. I learned that lesson the hard way.”
I barked out a laugh and leaned back in the seat. She looked at me in confusion and I nodded at her.
“You’re right. I’m broken. Half the time I don’t know if the stuff going on in my head is real or the memory of a memory. I just didn’t think it was so obvious.” I wasn’t even going to touch on the “ridiculously hot” comment. She was right, I was in a million and one scattered pieces and there was probably more than one screw missing.
She shook her head and pushed open the door. “That’s not what I mean. You’re not happy and you’re not even trying to get there. Jeez, Rome, we have more military in this state than we do normal people. Go get help, go find someone to talk to. Let someone save you for once. I know your brother and the other people that love you would appreciate it.”
And then she was gone just like that, like she hadn’t turned my world on its axis. Like she hadn’t been the best sex I could remember ever having in my life. Like she hadn’t just dismantled all my parts and pieces and left them lying stripped and bare for the entire world to see. It made my head hurt even more.
The cell phone I had in my hand vibrated with a text, and I flinched when I noticed I had no less than ten missed calls. Everyone was checking up on me, making sure I hadn’t drunk myself to death, and my parents had called to see if I was coming for brunch. The answer to that was hell no, the reasons more complicated, but the text was from Shaw and I didn’t want to be an ass and ignore her.
Skipped family brunch. Want to get some food?
I could eat.
Rule is messing with the water heater. Bob Vila he is not. Just me and you?
I hadn’t been alone with Shaw since before she dropped the bombshell about not only her and Rule being a couple, but Remy being g*y. I loved her like a sister, loved how good she was for my brother, but I still had some issues with her lying to us for so long. However, I had promised Rule I would get it on lock, so that’s what I was going to do and a greasy-ass breakfast burrito sounded awesome right now.
Sure. The Denver Diner?
Gross. No, if you want diner food let’s go to Steuben’s.
Okay.
It’s uptown on 17th.
See you soon.
I had a cast-iron stomach and the Denver Diner would have been fine for me. Army food had come a long way over the years, but it still wasn’t great, though as long as it was hot, I could eat it. Uptown wasn’t terribly far from where the Victorian and the tattoo shop were anyway, so I had time to swing by and change before I met up with her. Nash was coming out as I was running in and he gave me a concerned look on his way to the Charger.
“You okay? You weren’t here this morning.”
“I had a rough night. It’s all good.”
He must have been in a hurry because he didn’t stop to give me the third degree. I doubted Cora wanted the guys to be privy to all the sordid details, so it was nice I didn’t have to chitchat with him in passing.
I rushed through a shower and decided not to bother running a razor over my face. I felt like hell, so I might as well look like it as well. I tossed on some jeans and a clean T-shirt. I slapped my sunglasses on over my seriously bloodshot eyes and drove up to the restaurant. Shaw’s snazzy Porsche SUV was already in the parking lot and I was surprised that I actually felt a little nervous about seeing her one-on-one.
Shaw was a sweet girl. She didn’t have a malicious or mean bone in her tiny body. She was all gigantic heart and unconditional love, which was how she managed to get my idiot brother to act right most of the time. There was just something about those innocent green eyes that made you want to be her hero, made you want to be the best “you” possible around her, which made all the resentment and irritation I felt toward her so hard to swallow. Her blond head was easy to pick out of the crowd and the fact that she was as uneasy with meeting as I was showed on her pretty face.
She gave me a wan smile as I slid into the booth across from her, and I saw the concern flash across her eyes when I took my sunglasses off and ordered coffee from the hovering waitress.
“You look awful.”
“I feel awful.”
She was fiddling with her silverware and I could tell she wanted to say something but was holding back.
“What, Shaw? Just say it.”
She bit her bottom lip and wrinkled her nose up at me. “Rule is worried about you.”
I snickered at her and nodded at the waitress when the coffee was set down in front of me. “Oh, how the tables have turned. I spent most of my life worrying about him.”
It was true. I don’t know where the all-consuming need to be my brother’s keeper had come from, but it was as much a part of me as my sense of duty and honor was.
She frowned at me. “Excessive drinking, acting out, not talking to Margot and Dale, and pushing away everyone that cares about you: it’s like you’re purposely trying to make coming home as hard as it can possibly be. We all love you, Rome. Yes, we were all used to loving you when it was easy and took no effort, but we can all learn to love you in a different way now that it’s harder if you give us a chance.”
I cleared my throat and waited for the hovering waitress to take our order before answering her.
“Look, I’m trying to settle into my life the way it is now. I’ve had a few hiccups here and there but I’ll figure it out. I’m sorry I was such a dick to you. It’s hard looking at you and not seeing Remy and his lies, it’s hard seeing you and Rule as a unit. I’m not used to being on the outside looking in at my own family.”
She hissed out a breath like I had smacked her. I saw the pain flash across that jade gaze and felt like a heel.
“It wasn’t my secret to tell. Remy lived his life the way he wanted on his terms. I didn’t agree with it, with the secrets and sneaking around, but it wasn’t my place to force the issue. He was happy, he was in love, and he didn’t need or want you and Rule to interfere, even if it would have been with good intentions. As for being with Rule …” She met my gaze head-on and unflinchingly. “I’ve loved him forever and you knew it. I earned him, Rome. I earned the right to be happy with him and to make him happy. I won’t apologize for it, ever. I’m sorry the change is hard for you to adjust to.”
The waitress chose that moment to put our plates down on the table. We stared at each other in a long silence for a moment before my pounding head and empty stomach couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m just trying to figure it out, little girl. Everyone let Rule muddle his way to something great, why can’t I have a little leeway until I get there?”
She finally gave me a grin that lit her entire face up. I really did love this girl and missed having her in my life.
“Leeway I can do. The total freeze-out, angry giant you’ve been lately, I’ve had enough of.”
“Captain No-Fun.” She laughed and looked at me questioningly. “Cora calls me ‘Captain No-Fun.’”
“She tends to call it like she sees it. I like that about her.”
I scratched the stubble on my chin and tried to keep my face impassive. “She seems to be full of surprises.”
She lifted her fork and pointed it at me. “How do you know? When have you ever hung out with her?”
Now, that wasn’t a question I wanted to touch with a ten-foot pole, so I decided to change the subject.
“Were the folks pissed you canceled Sunday Funday?”
She blinked at me in surprise. “A little. It’s not that uncommon. Rule and your mom still have a rough time of it and sometimes he’s just not in the mood to go. They both try and I guess that’s all you can ask for, but it’s hard. They miss you. They ask about you all the time. Everyone is so happy you made it home in one piece.”
This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have either, but it seemed less torturous than talking about my morning with Cora or how well I did or didn’t know the blond dynamo.
“I came back in one piece physically, not so sure the same thing can be said for my head.”
She frowned at me in concern as I pushed my now-empty plate away and picked up the coffee.
“What do you mean?”
I slumped back in the booth and twirled a finger around my temple like I was nuts. “My brain goes wonky. I see things that aren’t there, I can’t sleep so great, and I feel like people around me keep dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do with myself now that I’m not in the army, and it’s making me crazy. I don’t really recognize myself anymore.”
She made a little noise in her throat and reached across the table to put her much smaller hand over my own where I had involuntarily curled it into a fist on the tabletop. I could say over and over again I was mad at my mom and dad for lying to me, for making Rule’s life miserable, but the truth of the matter was I didn’t know that I could handle them looking at me like they didn’t know who I was anymore. I was so far gone from the son, the soldier they had seen last time I was home, I didn’t know what it would do to me to have them look at me like I was a stranger.
“Rome.” Shaw’s voice was soft and I couldn’t meet her gaze. If there was pity, sadness for me shining out of it, it would just kill me. I was so used to protecting her, to offering her advice and comfort, that the idea that she had to do it for me now slid under my skin like an icy splinter. “I’m looking right at you and see the guy that was always a wonderful brother, an amazing son, and the strongest, most self-aware guy I have ever known. You’re amazing and maybe you’re struggling right now, but seriously Rome, you’ve had to be strong for your entire life, haul around everyone else’s crap, it’s okay to put it down for a minute and let the rest of us carry the burden.”
“That’s too much for one person to try and carry around all the time, Rome. You can’t be responsible for everyone or feel guilty all the time for being one of lucky ones.”
“Like you?” I cut a sideways look at her. “You run around rescuing those guys, Shaw and Ayden, and now me. You want to save everyone just as much as I do.” I wasn’t going to touch the guilty part of that statement.
“Yeah, I do, only the difference is that when they suffer from their own choices, I don’t take the responsibility for it. When Rule was acting like an idiot and walked away from Shaw, that wasn’t my fault. When Ayden was pretending like she could live without Jet, that had nothing to do with me. I’m just there to love them through it and pick up the pieces after. You think that you directly impact the bad things and that’s just stupid.”
She kind of had a point, so I didn’t answer her and as such we spent the rest of the ride in silence. I turned on the radio and let old Pink Floyd fill the cab. When we got to the bar I pulled around back and she pointed to a ridiculous Mini Cooper that was painted a bright neon green. Of course that’s what she drove. I wouldn’t even fit in the thing. I pulled up next to it and killed the engine. I leaned across the seat and dug my stuff out of the glove box. I didn’t miss the way her breath caught when my arm brushed across her chest.
We stared at each other in mute silence for a full minute before she reached for the door handle. I couldn’t just let her leave without saying something about this morning, not that I had a clue what that should be.
“About this morning …” She held up a hand before I could start.
“Just don’t.” She shook her head. “It was what it was and let’s leave it at that. You’re ridiculously hot, but I don’t want to be alone forever and the kind of guy I’m looking for doesn’t come with all the questions and inner turmoil that seems to be eating you alive. I want someone steady, someone ready to settle down for the long haul, and ready to be all in with me. You aren’t even close to being in a place where you’re all in for yourself, let alone someone else. I get that you’ve been through a really hard time, have seen more than your fair share of awful things, but I need a guy living his life like tomorrow matters, not like it’s a curse. I’m sorry, Rome. My perfect guy has got to come already together and be good enough, no assembly required by me. I learned that lesson the hard way.”
I barked out a laugh and leaned back in the seat. She looked at me in confusion and I nodded at her.
“You’re right. I’m broken. Half the time I don’t know if the stuff going on in my head is real or the memory of a memory. I just didn’t think it was so obvious.” I wasn’t even going to touch on the “ridiculously hot” comment. She was right, I was in a million and one scattered pieces and there was probably more than one screw missing.
She shook her head and pushed open the door. “That’s not what I mean. You’re not happy and you’re not even trying to get there. Jeez, Rome, we have more military in this state than we do normal people. Go get help, go find someone to talk to. Let someone save you for once. I know your brother and the other people that love you would appreciate it.”
And then she was gone just like that, like she hadn’t turned my world on its axis. Like she hadn’t been the best sex I could remember ever having in my life. Like she hadn’t just dismantled all my parts and pieces and left them lying stripped and bare for the entire world to see. It made my head hurt even more.
The cell phone I had in my hand vibrated with a text, and I flinched when I noticed I had no less than ten missed calls. Everyone was checking up on me, making sure I hadn’t drunk myself to death, and my parents had called to see if I was coming for brunch. The answer to that was hell no, the reasons more complicated, but the text was from Shaw and I didn’t want to be an ass and ignore her.
Skipped family brunch. Want to get some food?
I could eat.
Rule is messing with the water heater. Bob Vila he is not. Just me and you?
I hadn’t been alone with Shaw since before she dropped the bombshell about not only her and Rule being a couple, but Remy being g*y. I loved her like a sister, loved how good she was for my brother, but I still had some issues with her lying to us for so long. However, I had promised Rule I would get it on lock, so that’s what I was going to do and a greasy-ass breakfast burrito sounded awesome right now.
Sure. The Denver Diner?
Gross. No, if you want diner food let’s go to Steuben’s.
Okay.
It’s uptown on 17th.
See you soon.
I had a cast-iron stomach and the Denver Diner would have been fine for me. Army food had come a long way over the years, but it still wasn’t great, though as long as it was hot, I could eat it. Uptown wasn’t terribly far from where the Victorian and the tattoo shop were anyway, so I had time to swing by and change before I met up with her. Nash was coming out as I was running in and he gave me a concerned look on his way to the Charger.
“You okay? You weren’t here this morning.”
“I had a rough night. It’s all good.”
He must have been in a hurry because he didn’t stop to give me the third degree. I doubted Cora wanted the guys to be privy to all the sordid details, so it was nice I didn’t have to chitchat with him in passing.
I rushed through a shower and decided not to bother running a razor over my face. I felt like hell, so I might as well look like it as well. I tossed on some jeans and a clean T-shirt. I slapped my sunglasses on over my seriously bloodshot eyes and drove up to the restaurant. Shaw’s snazzy Porsche SUV was already in the parking lot and I was surprised that I actually felt a little nervous about seeing her one-on-one.
Shaw was a sweet girl. She didn’t have a malicious or mean bone in her tiny body. She was all gigantic heart and unconditional love, which was how she managed to get my idiot brother to act right most of the time. There was just something about those innocent green eyes that made you want to be her hero, made you want to be the best “you” possible around her, which made all the resentment and irritation I felt toward her so hard to swallow. Her blond head was easy to pick out of the crowd and the fact that she was as uneasy with meeting as I was showed on her pretty face.
She gave me a wan smile as I slid into the booth across from her, and I saw the concern flash across her eyes when I took my sunglasses off and ordered coffee from the hovering waitress.
“You look awful.”
“I feel awful.”
She was fiddling with her silverware and I could tell she wanted to say something but was holding back.
“What, Shaw? Just say it.”
She bit her bottom lip and wrinkled her nose up at me. “Rule is worried about you.”
I snickered at her and nodded at the waitress when the coffee was set down in front of me. “Oh, how the tables have turned. I spent most of my life worrying about him.”
It was true. I don’t know where the all-consuming need to be my brother’s keeper had come from, but it was as much a part of me as my sense of duty and honor was.
She frowned at me. “Excessive drinking, acting out, not talking to Margot and Dale, and pushing away everyone that cares about you: it’s like you’re purposely trying to make coming home as hard as it can possibly be. We all love you, Rome. Yes, we were all used to loving you when it was easy and took no effort, but we can all learn to love you in a different way now that it’s harder if you give us a chance.”
I cleared my throat and waited for the hovering waitress to take our order before answering her.
“Look, I’m trying to settle into my life the way it is now. I’ve had a few hiccups here and there but I’ll figure it out. I’m sorry I was such a dick to you. It’s hard looking at you and not seeing Remy and his lies, it’s hard seeing you and Rule as a unit. I’m not used to being on the outside looking in at my own family.”
She hissed out a breath like I had smacked her. I saw the pain flash across that jade gaze and felt like a heel.
“It wasn’t my secret to tell. Remy lived his life the way he wanted on his terms. I didn’t agree with it, with the secrets and sneaking around, but it wasn’t my place to force the issue. He was happy, he was in love, and he didn’t need or want you and Rule to interfere, even if it would have been with good intentions. As for being with Rule …” She met my gaze head-on and unflinchingly. “I’ve loved him forever and you knew it. I earned him, Rome. I earned the right to be happy with him and to make him happy. I won’t apologize for it, ever. I’m sorry the change is hard for you to adjust to.”
The waitress chose that moment to put our plates down on the table. We stared at each other in a long silence for a moment before my pounding head and empty stomach couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m just trying to figure it out, little girl. Everyone let Rule muddle his way to something great, why can’t I have a little leeway until I get there?”
She finally gave me a grin that lit her entire face up. I really did love this girl and missed having her in my life.
“Leeway I can do. The total freeze-out, angry giant you’ve been lately, I’ve had enough of.”
“Captain No-Fun.” She laughed and looked at me questioningly. “Cora calls me ‘Captain No-Fun.’”
“She tends to call it like she sees it. I like that about her.”
I scratched the stubble on my chin and tried to keep my face impassive. “She seems to be full of surprises.”
She lifted her fork and pointed it at me. “How do you know? When have you ever hung out with her?”
Now, that wasn’t a question I wanted to touch with a ten-foot pole, so I decided to change the subject.
“Were the folks pissed you canceled Sunday Funday?”
She blinked at me in surprise. “A little. It’s not that uncommon. Rule and your mom still have a rough time of it and sometimes he’s just not in the mood to go. They both try and I guess that’s all you can ask for, but it’s hard. They miss you. They ask about you all the time. Everyone is so happy you made it home in one piece.”
This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have either, but it seemed less torturous than talking about my morning with Cora or how well I did or didn’t know the blond dynamo.
“I came back in one piece physically, not so sure the same thing can be said for my head.”
She frowned at me in concern as I pushed my now-empty plate away and picked up the coffee.
“What do you mean?”
I slumped back in the booth and twirled a finger around my temple like I was nuts. “My brain goes wonky. I see things that aren’t there, I can’t sleep so great, and I feel like people around me keep dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do with myself now that I’m not in the army, and it’s making me crazy. I don’t really recognize myself anymore.”
She made a little noise in her throat and reached across the table to put her much smaller hand over my own where I had involuntarily curled it into a fist on the tabletop. I could say over and over again I was mad at my mom and dad for lying to me, for making Rule’s life miserable, but the truth of the matter was I didn’t know that I could handle them looking at me like they didn’t know who I was anymore. I was so far gone from the son, the soldier they had seen last time I was home, I didn’t know what it would do to me to have them look at me like I was a stranger.
“Rome.” Shaw’s voice was soft and I couldn’t meet her gaze. If there was pity, sadness for me shining out of it, it would just kill me. I was so used to protecting her, to offering her advice and comfort, that the idea that she had to do it for me now slid under my skin like an icy splinter. “I’m looking right at you and see the guy that was always a wonderful brother, an amazing son, and the strongest, most self-aware guy I have ever known. You’re amazing and maybe you’re struggling right now, but seriously Rome, you’ve had to be strong for your entire life, haul around everyone else’s crap, it’s okay to put it down for a minute and let the rest of us carry the burden.”
