Getting up the next morning was a little rough. Wrapping my head around the fact that I was no longer operating as an autonomous person was weird. I didn’t know the first thing about being pregnant or having a kid, so I figured I better start Googling stuff, like yesterday. I also called and made a doctor’s appointment and tried to figure out what on earth I was going to tell my dad. What I didn’t do was call Rome. I couldn’t think of a conversation I wanted to have less than that one.
When I got to work the guys were already there and doing their prep for the day. We all usually went in an hour before noon to get the shop up and running. The guys typically finished last-minute drawings and I called and reminded appointments for the day. This morning everyone seemed pretty sedate and I was glad Rule and Nash both acted totally normal. Clearly Shaw had kept her word and not said anything to her boyfriend. I was staring at my phone like maybe it would magically have all the answers I needed when it suddenly dinged with a new message. It made me jump, and when I saw Rome’s name at the top of the message box, my stomach lurched hard enough that I had to run to the bathroom before I hurled orange juice all over my fancy computer and desktop.
I stayed in the bathroom longer than necessary. I had to splash cold water on my face and take a minute to catch my breath. I couldn’t avoid him forever, and I really did want to know what he had to say for himself after the last few weeks of radio silence. I fluffed my hair up, put on some bright red lipstick, and felt like I had some kind of armor in place to deal with whatever that message might say.
Only, true to form, Rome liked to make things a million times harder than they had to be. When I came out of the bathroom I stumbled to a halt because Rome was standing in the waiting room of the shop and both Rule and Nash were all up in his face. Rule looked furious and Nash looked nervous. Rome looked like crap, but he wasn’t saying a word as his brother screamed in his face and poked him in the chest with a tattooed finger.
“We told you to leave her alone. Could you listen? No! Like always you know better than everyone else, and now look! She’s been upset for the last two weeks, being meaner than normal, and now she’s so upset you made her sick.”
Rule poked Rome so hard that this time the older Archer took a step back. None of them noticed me just yet, and I wasn’t sure the best way to interrupt without making a bigger mess of things.
Nash shook his head and pulled Rule back a step. “I told you to leave it alone, dude.”
Rome cast those azure-blue eyes toward the floor and what little color was left in his face fled. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a month; his pallor was awful, the turn of his mouth harsh and concerning. All I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him everything would be all right.
“You don’t understand.”
“No, I don’t. You threatened to kick my ass all over the place if I was messing with Shaw. Well, you’re doing exactly that to Cora and it’s f**ked up.”
Rome sucked in a breath and released it. I thought for a second he was going to turn around and leave, but just then he looked up and his eyes locked on mine. He blinked, once and then once again, and I could have sworn I saw some kind of shadow lift and clear, letting the dazzling sapphire light shine through.
“Rule, I’m not messing with anyone. Like I said, you just don’t get it, but I don’t owe you an explanation. Cora, however, I owe way more than that.”
Rule swore again and Nash had to literally hold him in check. “You owe everyone an explanation, Rome. This shit is tired and needs to stop. You can’t just keep hurting everyone because you’re unhappy.”
Blue eyes clashed with blue eyes and I saw the fire light up in Rome. It was about to get real.
“You mean like you always did? Funny how you can be so sanctimonious now that you settled down with Shaw. Not too long ago she had to drag your hungover, booze-soaked, philandering carcass to Mom and Dad’s because you had hurt feelings. Get out of my face, Rule. I don’t owe you shit.”
Okay, there was going to be a full-on Archer brawl if I didn’t stop this now.
“Rome.” They finally turned their full attention to me. “What are you doing here?”
He looked unsure of how to answer, so I made my way to where the guys were standing and inserted myself in between them. I could feel the hostility blazing off of Rule and the remorse bleeding off of Rome. I didn’t want to drown or get sucked into any of it.
“Uh … I was hoping I could talk to you real fast before you started work.”
I sighed. “Well, I wanted to talk to you all last week and you ignored me.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too, because now I don’t know that I want to hear what you have to say. I’m not that hard to find, big guy.”
He sighed. “I know.”
We stared at each other for a long and silent moment until he finally dropped his eyes back to the floor. I felt Rule shift behind me and figured I better split the two of them up before I had to clean blood off the floor. I grabbed Rome by the arm and pulled him out the front door to the sidewalk in front of the shop. Rule shouted something ugly out the door after us, and I felt Rome tense.
“Stop it. One battle at a time.”
He threw his hands up in the air in front of him. “That’s the problem, Cora. I’m so tired of fighting.”
His eyes were burning so hot I felt like they were going to leave holes right through me.
“I’m fighting with my folks. I’m fighting with Rule. I’m fighting my vices. I’m fighting my fear of the future. I’m fighting my own goddamn head, and I’m just tired. I’m retired. I was supposed to be leaving all the fighting in the desert.”
I wanted to comfort him, to tell him I understood, but there were bigger stakes here than just me and him.
“So what are you going to do about it?”
That was the key. He could keep fighting, keep battling everything alone until he just wore himself into a husk of a man, into a shadow of the person he once was, or he could ask for help. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until he finally answered me.
“I got the name of a guy from Brite. He’s a retired shrink and a vet. He only takes guys on referral. I went to talk to him yesterday. He was a really nice guy.”
I let out the breath and felt my heart rate settle into something less chaotic.
“I spent the entire hour and a half we talked telling him about you. About how shitty I felt for bailing on you, how I thought something really awesome was starting between us, and how I blew it all to hell by being a pu**y.”
He looked at me and I felt my heart turn over in my chest. The pleading in his gaze, the clear, n*ked longing for me to understand just a little part of what he was dealing with, really touched me. All I really wanted from a partner was honesty, and it didn’t get more honest than this.
“I don’t ever want anyone to see me like that, Cora. It rips me apart to live that shit over and over again, and nothing, not even really great things, like you and me, makes it stop. It’s embarrassing to be that exposed to someone else. I’m so sorry I didn’t handle it the right way.”
“Rome.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but I didn’t get the chance to anyway because he grabbed me by my upper arms and pulled me up on my toes so that we were eye to eye.
“Please, Cora.” His voice was husky and so sad. “You are so much better for me than a bottle of vodka every night. I can’t be perfect for you, but I can be someone you rely on, someone you want to keep around even though it isn’t always going to be easy.”
I put my hands on his broad shoulders and barked out a laugh. I laughed so hard I had to rest my forehead against his throat to catch my breath. I could feel his confusion in the way he tensed up and set me back down. I pulled away from him and crossed my arms over my chest. He would never know how much those simple words meant to me.
“I’m pregnant.”
His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and his mouth sagged open in a way that would have been comical had the situation not been so serious.
“I took an over-the-counter test last night, and it was as positive as positive could get.”
“You … I … we …” He trailed off and looked like he might pass out. “For real?”
“For real.”
“Are you okay?” His gaze swept over me from head to toe like he was looking for some sign of change in me already.
“I’m fine. Look, I know this is a lot to take in. I don’t expect anything from you, but if you’re looking for a really good reason to pull it together, I think you have one now.”
“What do you mean you don’t expect anything from me?”
I sighed. “Look, Rome, we hung out for less than a month. We were never really friends, then we became lovers and now soon-to-be parents. That’s a lot for anybody to try and handle. I care about you and I really do think you’re an amazing guy, but I’m not going to risk this baby or my heart on someone that isn’t all in with me. I’ve been there and done that and seriously I wish I could give the T-shirt back.”
“Give me a chance, Half-Pint, I’m all in.”
I could see it there, dazzling and bright in the blue that was as sharp as a razor blade. He believed it, wanted it, I just didn’t know that I could trust him to follow through on it and not leave me hanging again.
“The drinking …”
He shook his head. “Done. I’m all over it. It doesn’t do me any good and Brite won’t let me hang at the bar if I’m loaded. He’s been in and out over the last few weeks and finally told me that if I didn’t get my act together, I was done. I was already feeling like I let you down. I couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing him on top of that, which is why I finally called his friend for help.” He made a face that resembled a grimace of pain. “There’s a good chance I’m gonna be struggling with the aftereffects of PTSD for a long time. I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and be all shiny, polished, and perfect, but I can get better. The difference is I didn’t really have the motivation to head in that direction until I lost it and couldn’t face you. I don’t want you to be part of my nightmares, Cora, but I’m selfish enough to ask you to want to be.”
He was saying all the right things, he was putting more of himself on the line for me than Jimmy ever had, and I was selfish enough to want to believe that what he was saying was real. I didn’t really want to let him go just yet, but I had to make sure he understood the rules moving forward.
“Nightmares are just bad dreams. If you want me to be part of your dreams, there isn’t a better place I could think to be. Rome, I’m more than willing to stick this out with you, but this baby is bigger than both of us. You can’t just walk away when you’re freaked out or because something from the past is standing between us. You have to let me in, you have to stick around so we can work through it together. I’m not flawless either, Captain No-Fun, but I kinda think together we might get close to something spectacular, if we want it bad enough.”
I squealed in surprise when he picked me up and crushed me to his chest. I didn’t think I was ever going to get tired of the solid way he felt pressed against me. He pressed a hard kiss to my mouth, and I put my hands on either side of his face to hold him there. I missed him, missed this, but I didn’t have any delusion that this was the last of the bumps in the road we were probably going to have to face if we managed to stay together. It took a special kind of man to stick around when the reality of fatherhood was looking him right in the eye. We didn’t know each other well enough to know if this was going to be it for us, but he affected me enough, moved me in ways I was continually surprised by, that I liked to think with some work he very well could be my new dream, that he could indeed fit what my new idea of perfect might be.
When I got to work the guys were already there and doing their prep for the day. We all usually went in an hour before noon to get the shop up and running. The guys typically finished last-minute drawings and I called and reminded appointments for the day. This morning everyone seemed pretty sedate and I was glad Rule and Nash both acted totally normal. Clearly Shaw had kept her word and not said anything to her boyfriend. I was staring at my phone like maybe it would magically have all the answers I needed when it suddenly dinged with a new message. It made me jump, and when I saw Rome’s name at the top of the message box, my stomach lurched hard enough that I had to run to the bathroom before I hurled orange juice all over my fancy computer and desktop.
I stayed in the bathroom longer than necessary. I had to splash cold water on my face and take a minute to catch my breath. I couldn’t avoid him forever, and I really did want to know what he had to say for himself after the last few weeks of radio silence. I fluffed my hair up, put on some bright red lipstick, and felt like I had some kind of armor in place to deal with whatever that message might say.
Only, true to form, Rome liked to make things a million times harder than they had to be. When I came out of the bathroom I stumbled to a halt because Rome was standing in the waiting room of the shop and both Rule and Nash were all up in his face. Rule looked furious and Nash looked nervous. Rome looked like crap, but he wasn’t saying a word as his brother screamed in his face and poked him in the chest with a tattooed finger.
“We told you to leave her alone. Could you listen? No! Like always you know better than everyone else, and now look! She’s been upset for the last two weeks, being meaner than normal, and now she’s so upset you made her sick.”
Rule poked Rome so hard that this time the older Archer took a step back. None of them noticed me just yet, and I wasn’t sure the best way to interrupt without making a bigger mess of things.
Nash shook his head and pulled Rule back a step. “I told you to leave it alone, dude.”
Rome cast those azure-blue eyes toward the floor and what little color was left in his face fled. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a month; his pallor was awful, the turn of his mouth harsh and concerning. All I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him everything would be all right.
“You don’t understand.”
“No, I don’t. You threatened to kick my ass all over the place if I was messing with Shaw. Well, you’re doing exactly that to Cora and it’s f**ked up.”
Rome sucked in a breath and released it. I thought for a second he was going to turn around and leave, but just then he looked up and his eyes locked on mine. He blinked, once and then once again, and I could have sworn I saw some kind of shadow lift and clear, letting the dazzling sapphire light shine through.
“Rule, I’m not messing with anyone. Like I said, you just don’t get it, but I don’t owe you an explanation. Cora, however, I owe way more than that.”
Rule swore again and Nash had to literally hold him in check. “You owe everyone an explanation, Rome. This shit is tired and needs to stop. You can’t just keep hurting everyone because you’re unhappy.”
Blue eyes clashed with blue eyes and I saw the fire light up in Rome. It was about to get real.
“You mean like you always did? Funny how you can be so sanctimonious now that you settled down with Shaw. Not too long ago she had to drag your hungover, booze-soaked, philandering carcass to Mom and Dad’s because you had hurt feelings. Get out of my face, Rule. I don’t owe you shit.”
Okay, there was going to be a full-on Archer brawl if I didn’t stop this now.
“Rome.” They finally turned their full attention to me. “What are you doing here?”
He looked unsure of how to answer, so I made my way to where the guys were standing and inserted myself in between them. I could feel the hostility blazing off of Rule and the remorse bleeding off of Rome. I didn’t want to drown or get sucked into any of it.
“Uh … I was hoping I could talk to you real fast before you started work.”
I sighed. “Well, I wanted to talk to you all last week and you ignored me.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too, because now I don’t know that I want to hear what you have to say. I’m not that hard to find, big guy.”
He sighed. “I know.”
We stared at each other for a long and silent moment until he finally dropped his eyes back to the floor. I felt Rule shift behind me and figured I better split the two of them up before I had to clean blood off the floor. I grabbed Rome by the arm and pulled him out the front door to the sidewalk in front of the shop. Rule shouted something ugly out the door after us, and I felt Rome tense.
“Stop it. One battle at a time.”
He threw his hands up in the air in front of him. “That’s the problem, Cora. I’m so tired of fighting.”
His eyes were burning so hot I felt like they were going to leave holes right through me.
“I’m fighting with my folks. I’m fighting with Rule. I’m fighting my vices. I’m fighting my fear of the future. I’m fighting my own goddamn head, and I’m just tired. I’m retired. I was supposed to be leaving all the fighting in the desert.”
I wanted to comfort him, to tell him I understood, but there were bigger stakes here than just me and him.
“So what are you going to do about it?”
That was the key. He could keep fighting, keep battling everything alone until he just wore himself into a husk of a man, into a shadow of the person he once was, or he could ask for help. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until he finally answered me.
“I got the name of a guy from Brite. He’s a retired shrink and a vet. He only takes guys on referral. I went to talk to him yesterday. He was a really nice guy.”
I let out the breath and felt my heart rate settle into something less chaotic.
“I spent the entire hour and a half we talked telling him about you. About how shitty I felt for bailing on you, how I thought something really awesome was starting between us, and how I blew it all to hell by being a pu**y.”
He looked at me and I felt my heart turn over in my chest. The pleading in his gaze, the clear, n*ked longing for me to understand just a little part of what he was dealing with, really touched me. All I really wanted from a partner was honesty, and it didn’t get more honest than this.
“I don’t ever want anyone to see me like that, Cora. It rips me apart to live that shit over and over again, and nothing, not even really great things, like you and me, makes it stop. It’s embarrassing to be that exposed to someone else. I’m so sorry I didn’t handle it the right way.”
“Rome.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but I didn’t get the chance to anyway because he grabbed me by my upper arms and pulled me up on my toes so that we were eye to eye.
“Please, Cora.” His voice was husky and so sad. “You are so much better for me than a bottle of vodka every night. I can’t be perfect for you, but I can be someone you rely on, someone you want to keep around even though it isn’t always going to be easy.”
I put my hands on his broad shoulders and barked out a laugh. I laughed so hard I had to rest my forehead against his throat to catch my breath. I could feel his confusion in the way he tensed up and set me back down. I pulled away from him and crossed my arms over my chest. He would never know how much those simple words meant to me.
“I’m pregnant.”
His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and his mouth sagged open in a way that would have been comical had the situation not been so serious.
“I took an over-the-counter test last night, and it was as positive as positive could get.”
“You … I … we …” He trailed off and looked like he might pass out. “For real?”
“For real.”
“Are you okay?” His gaze swept over me from head to toe like he was looking for some sign of change in me already.
“I’m fine. Look, I know this is a lot to take in. I don’t expect anything from you, but if you’re looking for a really good reason to pull it together, I think you have one now.”
“What do you mean you don’t expect anything from me?”
I sighed. “Look, Rome, we hung out for less than a month. We were never really friends, then we became lovers and now soon-to-be parents. That’s a lot for anybody to try and handle. I care about you and I really do think you’re an amazing guy, but I’m not going to risk this baby or my heart on someone that isn’t all in with me. I’ve been there and done that and seriously I wish I could give the T-shirt back.”
“Give me a chance, Half-Pint, I’m all in.”
I could see it there, dazzling and bright in the blue that was as sharp as a razor blade. He believed it, wanted it, I just didn’t know that I could trust him to follow through on it and not leave me hanging again.
“The drinking …”
He shook his head. “Done. I’m all over it. It doesn’t do me any good and Brite won’t let me hang at the bar if I’m loaded. He’s been in and out over the last few weeks and finally told me that if I didn’t get my act together, I was done. I was already feeling like I let you down. I couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing him on top of that, which is why I finally called his friend for help.” He made a face that resembled a grimace of pain. “There’s a good chance I’m gonna be struggling with the aftereffects of PTSD for a long time. I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and be all shiny, polished, and perfect, but I can get better. The difference is I didn’t really have the motivation to head in that direction until I lost it and couldn’t face you. I don’t want you to be part of my nightmares, Cora, but I’m selfish enough to ask you to want to be.”
He was saying all the right things, he was putting more of himself on the line for me than Jimmy ever had, and I was selfish enough to want to believe that what he was saying was real. I didn’t really want to let him go just yet, but I had to make sure he understood the rules moving forward.
“Nightmares are just bad dreams. If you want me to be part of your dreams, there isn’t a better place I could think to be. Rome, I’m more than willing to stick this out with you, but this baby is bigger than both of us. You can’t just walk away when you’re freaked out or because something from the past is standing between us. You have to let me in, you have to stick around so we can work through it together. I’m not flawless either, Captain No-Fun, but I kinda think together we might get close to something spectacular, if we want it bad enough.”
I squealed in surprise when he picked me up and crushed me to his chest. I didn’t think I was ever going to get tired of the solid way he felt pressed against me. He pressed a hard kiss to my mouth, and I put my hands on either side of his face to hold him there. I missed him, missed this, but I didn’t have any delusion that this was the last of the bumps in the road we were probably going to have to face if we managed to stay together. It took a special kind of man to stick around when the reality of fatherhood was looking him right in the eye. We didn’t know each other well enough to know if this was going to be it for us, but he affected me enough, moved me in ways I was continually surprised by, that I liked to think with some work he very well could be my new dream, that he could indeed fit what my new idea of perfect might be.
