“She had sex, Dad. Most girls in college do, and that is not an unforgivable sin that she needs to pay penance for the rest of her life.”
He was going to disagree and this was going to be an endless battle of words and wills, so I cut it short.
“Look, I don’t care what you think. I don’t care if you spend every single night trying to will me to my own special corner of hell. What I do care about is Poppy and making sure she is happy and safe moving forward. You are not to contact her. You are not to reach out to her. You are not to try and make her feel bad or vilify her for being involved in the death of a terrible man. I want you to leave her alone. Do you understand me?”
My mom made a noise in her throat and my dad grunted at me. “You don’t speak for your sister, Salem. There is still hope for Poppy to find her way back to the flock.”
I growled and took a step forward. “If she contacts you, all you are going to do is tell her you are happy she is okay and that you support the choices she is making. You do not want to push the issue with me, Dad. I’m not a kid anymore and I will fight you tooth and nail for her.”
“You can’t threaten me, Salem.”
“Oh, really? If you think you’re embarrassed by the way I was when I lived under your roof, just wait until I drag out all the dirt that’s under my nails from the things I did to survive when you ran me off. Did you know I was a stripper? How do you think you would like some of those videos and pictures uploaded to the Web with your name and the church attached?”
I lifted a challenging eyebrow and watched him weigh if I was serious or not.
“How about the years I spent as a burlesque dancer or the time I worked for a freak show on a boardwalk, or the time I hosted a drag show in a g*y bar? What about a sex tape? You have no idea the kind of skeletons I can drag out of the closet, and once something ends up on the Internet, it never dies. I can drag you and this entire parish into the mud. Don’t push the issue with me, Dad. I will do whatever I have to do to keep Poppy safe. Oh, and that kid next door that had no family and wasn’t good enough for us is actually all grown up, wildly successful, and willing to fight right by my side. Did I mention his sister is a lawyer? I’m sure he would love to tell the world all about how you pushed Poppy to date that quarterback and then turned on her when he got her pregnant and left her alone. What kind of man of God are you? The kind that gives his daughter’s location to an abuser and covers up the fact that he’s been protecting a wife beater. The farce you have going on will disappear in a puff of smoke. I won’t just pull the mask off, Dad, I’ll shatter it into a million pieces.”
I crossed my arms over my chest as we faced off. I could see he wanted to fight, wanted to believe that he was beloved enough, had people enthralled enough, that all my dirty deeds wouldn’t tarnish his glow, but my mom suddenly moved out from under his arm and looked up at him pleadingly.
“She’s right. This has to stop.” My dad opened his mouth to argue and she held up a hand to silence him. “Enough. We lost one daughter already and Salem is right: we nearly got another one killed. I won’t be part of this anymore. This isn’t a righteous life.” She pointed a finger at my dad’s stunned face and told him flatly, “If you think your reputation can survive what Salem is threatening, then know this. It absolutely won’t survive your wife leaving you on top of it. You are going to do as she says and that is all there is to it.”
My father looked dumbfounded and furious. My mom looked shaky and kind of sick. She turned back to me and gave me a sad smile.
“I thought Oliver was good for your sister. She was never the same when she came back from college. I didn’t realize he was hurting her until it was far too late, and I allowed your father to convince me that Oliver had changed and was remorseful for the way he treated your sister. He told me that Oliver was healing through prayer and counseling. I was wrong to blindly believe and trust. I have been very wrong for the last decade. You take care of your sister and give her whatever she needs. We won’t get in the way.” She looked over her shoulder at my father and firmed her mouth. “I’ll make sure of it.”
I wasn’t going to say thank you. She didn’t get gratitude for finally doing something she should have been doing my entire life. It was her job to stand between her children and this man. I nodded and turned to walk away from both of them for the last time.
“Salem.” I looked over my shoulder as my mom called my name. “I need you to know it broke my heart when you left all those years ago.”
It broke mine, too, but not because I was leaving her. It broke my heart because I had left Poppy and Rowdy with waves of sorrow in my wake.
“Then you should’ve done something so I didn’t have to go, Mom.”
I saw tears in her eyes and genuine regret but it was too little too late.
“I’m glad you found your way back to that boy. You were always so sweet together. He was wonderful with both of you girls.”
“He still is.” And I knew he always would be. Where he was is where I needed to be, not here on these church steps . . . only I had a stop to make on my way out of town first.
I didn’t bother with good-byes. I didn’t bother with a final look or a wave. I just left it as it was. The door was finally closed. I wasn’t being run out of town, I was leaving with a clear and important destination in mind. I wasn’t running from my past. I was heading purposefully toward my future, and it made me full and complete in a way all my bouncing around from place to place never had.
Before I got to where I was going, I pulled over to the side of a dusty road and jumped out of the rented SUV that was packed full with my sister’s personal effects so that I could gather a fistful of Texas bluebells in my hands. They matched the field of flowers on my back so perfectly that it made me smile and had my heart swelling. I gently laid them on the empty seat next to me and drove the rest of the way to the cemetery that was about thirty minutes outside of Loveless’s city limits.
It seemed like a really forgotten and lonely place. There was no bright green grass and rows of elegant headstones decorated with every kind of flower under the sun. Instead the ground was covered in brownish-green remnants of grass and the headstones looked sunbaked and worn. There were no other mourners milling about or paying respects, so all I had was a six-year-old’s memory of where to find the grave site I was looking for. It took longer to find her than it should have, and by the time I did, the bluebells looked a little sad. It was fitting. The whole atmosphere was somber and I was a little surprised that tears sprang to my eyes as soon as I saw the inscription on the plain headstone.
He was going to disagree and this was going to be an endless battle of words and wills, so I cut it short.
“Look, I don’t care what you think. I don’t care if you spend every single night trying to will me to my own special corner of hell. What I do care about is Poppy and making sure she is happy and safe moving forward. You are not to contact her. You are not to reach out to her. You are not to try and make her feel bad or vilify her for being involved in the death of a terrible man. I want you to leave her alone. Do you understand me?”
My mom made a noise in her throat and my dad grunted at me. “You don’t speak for your sister, Salem. There is still hope for Poppy to find her way back to the flock.”
I growled and took a step forward. “If she contacts you, all you are going to do is tell her you are happy she is okay and that you support the choices she is making. You do not want to push the issue with me, Dad. I’m not a kid anymore and I will fight you tooth and nail for her.”
“You can’t threaten me, Salem.”
“Oh, really? If you think you’re embarrassed by the way I was when I lived under your roof, just wait until I drag out all the dirt that’s under my nails from the things I did to survive when you ran me off. Did you know I was a stripper? How do you think you would like some of those videos and pictures uploaded to the Web with your name and the church attached?”
I lifted a challenging eyebrow and watched him weigh if I was serious or not.
“How about the years I spent as a burlesque dancer or the time I worked for a freak show on a boardwalk, or the time I hosted a drag show in a g*y bar? What about a sex tape? You have no idea the kind of skeletons I can drag out of the closet, and once something ends up on the Internet, it never dies. I can drag you and this entire parish into the mud. Don’t push the issue with me, Dad. I will do whatever I have to do to keep Poppy safe. Oh, and that kid next door that had no family and wasn’t good enough for us is actually all grown up, wildly successful, and willing to fight right by my side. Did I mention his sister is a lawyer? I’m sure he would love to tell the world all about how you pushed Poppy to date that quarterback and then turned on her when he got her pregnant and left her alone. What kind of man of God are you? The kind that gives his daughter’s location to an abuser and covers up the fact that he’s been protecting a wife beater. The farce you have going on will disappear in a puff of smoke. I won’t just pull the mask off, Dad, I’ll shatter it into a million pieces.”
I crossed my arms over my chest as we faced off. I could see he wanted to fight, wanted to believe that he was beloved enough, had people enthralled enough, that all my dirty deeds wouldn’t tarnish his glow, but my mom suddenly moved out from under his arm and looked up at him pleadingly.
“She’s right. This has to stop.” My dad opened his mouth to argue and she held up a hand to silence him. “Enough. We lost one daughter already and Salem is right: we nearly got another one killed. I won’t be part of this anymore. This isn’t a righteous life.” She pointed a finger at my dad’s stunned face and told him flatly, “If you think your reputation can survive what Salem is threatening, then know this. It absolutely won’t survive your wife leaving you on top of it. You are going to do as she says and that is all there is to it.”
My father looked dumbfounded and furious. My mom looked shaky and kind of sick. She turned back to me and gave me a sad smile.
“I thought Oliver was good for your sister. She was never the same when she came back from college. I didn’t realize he was hurting her until it was far too late, and I allowed your father to convince me that Oliver had changed and was remorseful for the way he treated your sister. He told me that Oliver was healing through prayer and counseling. I was wrong to blindly believe and trust. I have been very wrong for the last decade. You take care of your sister and give her whatever she needs. We won’t get in the way.” She looked over her shoulder at my father and firmed her mouth. “I’ll make sure of it.”
I wasn’t going to say thank you. She didn’t get gratitude for finally doing something she should have been doing my entire life. It was her job to stand between her children and this man. I nodded and turned to walk away from both of them for the last time.
“Salem.” I looked over my shoulder as my mom called my name. “I need you to know it broke my heart when you left all those years ago.”
It broke mine, too, but not because I was leaving her. It broke my heart because I had left Poppy and Rowdy with waves of sorrow in my wake.
“Then you should’ve done something so I didn’t have to go, Mom.”
I saw tears in her eyes and genuine regret but it was too little too late.
“I’m glad you found your way back to that boy. You were always so sweet together. He was wonderful with both of you girls.”
“He still is.” And I knew he always would be. Where he was is where I needed to be, not here on these church steps . . . only I had a stop to make on my way out of town first.
I didn’t bother with good-byes. I didn’t bother with a final look or a wave. I just left it as it was. The door was finally closed. I wasn’t being run out of town, I was leaving with a clear and important destination in mind. I wasn’t running from my past. I was heading purposefully toward my future, and it made me full and complete in a way all my bouncing around from place to place never had.
Before I got to where I was going, I pulled over to the side of a dusty road and jumped out of the rented SUV that was packed full with my sister’s personal effects so that I could gather a fistful of Texas bluebells in my hands. They matched the field of flowers on my back so perfectly that it made me smile and had my heart swelling. I gently laid them on the empty seat next to me and drove the rest of the way to the cemetery that was about thirty minutes outside of Loveless’s city limits.
It seemed like a really forgotten and lonely place. There was no bright green grass and rows of elegant headstones decorated with every kind of flower under the sun. Instead the ground was covered in brownish-green remnants of grass and the headstones looked sunbaked and worn. There were no other mourners milling about or paying respects, so all I had was a six-year-old’s memory of where to find the grave site I was looking for. It took longer to find her than it should have, and by the time I did, the bluebells looked a little sad. It was fitting. The whole atmosphere was somber and I was a little surprised that tears sprang to my eyes as soon as I saw the inscription on the plain headstone.
